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October Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v Cool Nights and Falling Leaves

PerfectDisguise said:
Thanks man I appreciate it. It's going to be a long road; not only getting sober but dealing with the legal troubles I'm currently in.
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Best of luck man. I hope you pull out of everything ok.

I am pretty miserable at the moment and it's hard to imagine a tomorrow where things get better.
 
Octsober again. This is actually also the month I joined bluelight in, and the month I was born it. Guess it's fitting if it were the month I quit in. I'm trying to get clean once again. I am now over 4 weeks clean. So technically I last used late September. Anyway, that's a new record for the last several years. I'm not even sure how long, but its been a long time since I've been off drugs for this length of time.

I last shot heroin Sunday morning 4 and a half weeks ago. I'd been using nearly every day for years up till then. Its been hard, but not as hard as I'd feared. Haven't had any illegal drug since, haven't even had alcohol. Just cigarettes and caffeine.

You can actually tell how much my addiction was fucking up my life by my posting history. You can see my posts get less frequent as I used more. Until 6 months ago when my addiction rendered me homeless with no regular internet access. And running around trying to make money for drugs was taking up my every waking moment. Literally almost every minute of every day was about heroin.

Then I decided I wanted to stop, and suddenly my posting frequency skyrockets.
 
It is 50/50 depression and health concerns. I am taking huge amounts of gabapentin and they are prescribed . I don't use any other substances although I was addicted to vicodin in the past.

I am losing my sight. That's a big concern as well as traumatic n depressing. It's been awful. . . Then I feel selfish about boo-hoo-ing when others have lives much harder than mine.

The depression is at critical mass; otherwise I never would have reached out to strangers for support . Doctors know nothing and they care less than zero. Mental health care is literally non existent where I live.

So that's the high (rather the low) points without typing a wall of text. My sight is very bad, so my posts may be short.
 
Runningfox said:
It is 50/50 depression and health concerns. I am taking huge amounts of gabapentin and they are prescribed . I don't use any other substances although I was addicted to vicodin in the past.

I am losing my sight. That's a big concern as well as traumatic n depressing. It's been awful. . . Then I feel selfish about boo-hoo-ing when others have lives much harder than mine.

The depression is at critical mass; otherwise I never would have reached out to strangers for support . Doctors know nothing and they care less than zero. Mental health care is literally non existent where I live.

So that's the high (rather the low) points without typing a wall of text. My sight is very bad, so my posts may be short.
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I think you are entitled to feel upset about losing your sight. I would be upset too. It's such an important sense, and we all take it for granted so much.

Don't feel selfish about feeling the way you do. You may not feel that way forever. Stay strong.
 
Today is a rough one, folks. It's my 2nd day without opioids or benzos, and my emotions are running high.

WARNING, THIS NEXT PART IS GRAPHIC: I recently learned that an old female friend of mine died in her bedroom along with her stillborn baby during a miscarriage. Apparently her mother found them both on the floor, but it was already too late. This image keeps playing itself out in my head and it's tearing me apart.

I didn't know her really well (she joined my workplace shortly before I left), but she was a good friend to me when I was going through a bad breakup and a lot of other personal issues. I actually sold her my bass guitar when I switched to playing 6-string. I hope that she got some enjoyment from it.

I miss you hon, and I'm so sorry about what happened to you.

I have thought about reaching out to her mom, but this happened several years ago (I just found out recently though) and I never even met the lady. It will take a lot of time and thought before I decide whether to do so. Just writing this makes me feel better though.

Thank you for reading,
Dreamflyer
 
^^^^ Dreamflyer ?
I am heart broken for you...and for those precious lost ones, whatever the cause. I just cannot imagine and as an empath I CAN imagine but don't want to. (You know).

Take comfort today in this: you were kind to her while she was Near. You are kind to her today, in thought as she is now Far . You can and I'm sure you DO, extend thought and grief to her infant child as well. Whatever they went thru, they did so Together. Take comfort there too. And that no more sufferings may assault them.

I've found that Love transcends death. It's felt throughout, both Near and Far. (*I'm gettin long winded here; I apologize ).
I'm just so sorry for this Loss.
 
DF
I am sorry for your loss. Earlier this summer I found myself in a similar situation. A friend I had met years before came back to town. We became closer and we vented to each other during difficult times. She helped me during a very difficult time in my life. In our talks she was unsure if she should move out west. I encouraged her to follow her dreams one night and she said that was exactly what she needed to hear and made arrangements to do so. I didnt hear from her for a while. Then one day she sent me a msg, she was in ruins as life had laid it on real heavy. We talked and I tried to reassure her that life ebs and flows and no matter what she was loved and always had friends and a home back here. Less than a week later I found out she had decided she couldnt take it anymore....Just typing about it now brings tears to my eyes. She was a truly beautiful person and is incredibly missed by all. I too considered reaching out to her folks but I had never met them and I knew (from my moms recent passing) that sometimes condolences were the last ******* thing I wanted to hear.

I cant offer much advice on what to do here. What comforted me was knowing that the pain she had endured was no more. She is now at peace.

Much love during these difficult times
 
JessFR said:
Octsober again. This is actually also the month I joined bluelight in, and the month I was born it. Guess it's fitting if it were the month I quit in. I'm trying to get clean once again. I am now over 4 weeks clean. So technically I last used late September. Anyway, that's a new record for the last several years. I'm not even sure how long, but its been a long time since I've been off drugs for this length of time.

I last shot heroin Sunday morning 4 and a half weeks ago. I'd been using nearly every day for years up till then. Its been hard, but not as hard as I'd feared. Haven't had any illegal drug since, haven't even had alcohol. Just cigarettes and caffeine.

You can actually tell how much my addiction was fucking up my life by my posting history. You can see my posts get less frequent as I used more. Until 6 months ago when my addiction rendered me homeless with no regular internet access. And running around trying to make money for drugs was taking up my every waking moment. Literally almost every minute of every day was about heroin.

Then I decided I wanted to stop, and suddenly my posting frequency skyrockets.
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*** hello Jess
I've followed a lot of your posts going back into 2016; you just happened to appear in threads I was researching . I wonder if you may be just about the age of one of my 3 daughters. Your honest n direct demeanor/ your Guts and toughness just put me in mind of my youngest daughter , particularly. She is only 18 but socially sophisticated and So damn quick witted .... you seem so much like her


Just thought I would say hello as I feel like I know some of you Regulars here in BL; I am runningfox (*this just a native American reference to my roots but it's misleading as I AM a female mother of 5 .... 44 yrs old from the USA. ) ...and to Encourage you personally as my God i see such Determination and Decency in you.
Keep moving toward your goals young lady . You are a Star !
 
Good to have you on board Runningfox! You too Jess :) and you three TOC! I really appreciate you keeping your journal so up to date. Good to have you back.

Btw Jess, 29 is an awwwwwwesome year to get sober :) my 20’s sucked so bad, I’m super excited for my 30’s.
 
tired of crap said:
DF
I am sorry for your loss. Earlier this summer I found myself in a similar situation. A friend I had met years before came back to town. We became closer and we vented to each other during difficult times. She helped me during a very difficult time in my life. In our talks she was unsure if she should move out west. I encouraged her to follow her dreams one night and she said that was exactly what she needed to hear and made arrangements to do so. I didnt hear from her for a while. Then one day she sent me a msg, she was in ruins as life had laid it on real heavy. We talked and I tried to reassure her that life ebs and flows and no matter what she was loved and always had friends and a home back here. Less than a week later I found out she had decided she couldnt take it anymore....Just typing about it now brings tears to my eyes. She was a truly beautiful person and is incredibly missed by all. I too considered reaching out to her folks but I had never met them and I knew (from my moms recent passing) that sometimes condolences were the last ******* thing I wanted to hear.

I cant offer much advice on what to do here. What comforted me was knowing that the pain she had endured was no more. She is now at peace.

Much love during these difficult times
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Runningfox said:
^^^^ Dreamflyer ?
I am heart broken for you...and for those precious lost ones, whatever the cause. I just cannot imagine and as an empath I CAN imagine but don't want to. (You know).

Take comfort today in this: you were kind to her while she was Near. You are kind to her today, in thought as she is now Far . You can and I'm sure you DO, extend thought and grief to her infant child as well. Whatever they went thru, they did so Together. Take comfort there too. And that no more sufferings may assault them.

I've found that Love transcends death. It's felt throughout, both Near and Far. (*I'm gettin long winded here; I apologize ).
I'm just so sorry for this Loss.
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Thank you so much for those very kind words. They really mean a lot to me.

TOC, I am very sorry to hear about your friend. She and her loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers.

I did some research and it looks as though my late friend's mom is in the late stages of Alzheimer's. I normally would never say this about such a horrific disease, but maybe it's not ENTIRELY bad considering the unimaginable scene that she was forced to witness.

I did find the girl's brother, who still lives in my home town. I send him a short message on Facebook, just offering my condolences and letting him know what a good friend she was to me when I was going through a very rough time. His last webpage activity was from over a year ago so I'm not sure if or when he will see it, but I feel a bit better just by making the gesture anyway.

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
DF -- good idea reaching out to the Brother. Even if he doesn't read the message, sending it should serve as a closure-aid, for yourself.

Lotta tragedies going on all over the world. It's hard to live in today's world. We all need each other more than ever.
 
Ready for my third pumpkin carving. It's a fun sober activity. I've almost completed my rehab program and feel like I've got a few more tools under my belt to deal with life. So many changes that feel like they are miles away and yet are right in front of my face; it gives me the butterflies, and at times it's down right terrifying, to know that I can do this.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Life is catching up to me. Lack of money/work is the primary issue.

That and some personal matters are causing me to be very suicidal.
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<3 much love during these troubling times Captain.
From my experience work/money issues usually compound personal matters, as Im sure youre aware.
Is there any way you can mitigate the work issue?

w01fg4ng said:
Ready for my third pumpkin carving. It's a fun sober activity. I've almost completed my rehab program and feel like I've got a few more tools under my belt to deal with life. So many changes that feel like they are miles away and yet are right in front of my face; it gives me the butterflies, and at times it's down right terrifying, to know that I can do this.
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I love pumpkin carving. My daughter will finish hers long before I finish the one she requests - I usually spend hours making the stencil, tracing and carefully cutting it out. Over the years Ive made some pretty cool designs IMO - elmo, butters (from south park) and last year I made stitch (from lilo and stitch).
 
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