Sorry for the delay in replying, I was having a bit of a break.
How many grams would you say you went through?
From October until the middle of December I got through about 20g of the stuff, the majority of it being intravenously. Although about 10g of that was over a week. Plus I can see orders for about 30g of 3FPM over a few weeks, new orders being placed every few days.
I was a mess. A complete and total mess. I was hallucinating, terribly moody, got into trouble with the police, I collapsed outside at least twice after standing up from sitting down (my fitbit showing my pulse drop to 30bpm when reviewed after the event.) I'd shake all the time, a tremor, I was scared of the dark.
I was smashed out of my tiny little mind. I thought people were staring at me (mind you, I was such a mess I wouldn't put that entirely down to paranoia!) I remember going into my room one night and without any real reason I shouted at someone in English to warn them off - there wasn't anyone there and I didn't see anyone, there was just so much adrenaline in my addled brain that it had me constantly in fight mode.
I saw faces on car seats in fact anything which my mind could misinterpret as a person, or part of a person, became a person. I knew they weren't people, I knew I was hallucinating, but there came a tipping point ('towards the end') where I'd start to go over the edge and then couldn't really work out what was real and any distorted pattern would become something.
Even though my mother knew I was on something, she couldn't bring herself to say it. I knew I had a problem, I hated what I'd done but didn't know how to stop. I sat there in front of her and burst into tears, she'd seen the countless bruises on my arms before, she'd seen me sitting in front of her just shaking and sweating for no reason but then she saw me in tears, I was ashamed, tears and snot everywhere I somehow managed to exhale, with her crying too and saying 'tell me and I can help you' and all I could say was "You'd be so disappointed in me" over and over and then rolled a cigarette while crying and went outside and carried on crying for ages.
Given that I was (apart from going out of my mind on 4F-MPH and other drugs) otherwise healthy, a long distance and marathon runner I just didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I was just completely ruined. Now completely scared of the dark (when the hallucinations were worst, probably because random shapes are difficult to make out) I got escorted out of my own home by the police and, the worst night of my life proceeded.
I live in the countryside, there are lots of unlit roads for miles around. I had to walk around, and around, and around for miles during the night. I had just £20 on me. I refused to contact my friends as I was ashamed and screwed up. I had to live at night, for a whole night, in the dark, in the rain with just a T-shirt and jeans in the cold of December in England, with only horror and hallucinations for company. I even struck up conversations with my hallucinations at bus stops in hope of making the hallucinations I was conjuring up 'nice ones' and not 'bad ones'.
Over the following few weeks and months, after spending Christmas in a coma in hospital (after purposely overdosing on diclazepam (200mg maybe?) and ketamine (heaven knows how much) and synthetic cannabinoids purely because that's all I had around) I woke up in an unfamiliar hospital and phoned home.
That was in January. I'm (apart from one relapse early in April) now off the 4F-MPH, all the other drugs, my arms (and hands, I ended up injecting into my hands as I'd run out of veins in my arms) are now almost back to normal. But I no longer have a job, I am (was?) a skilled qualified IT Pro but after not turning up for six months I need to find something else but I'm hopeful of getting one next week. I've only got enough cash to survive for about another month or two.
2015 was a bit of a year of discovery, 2016 seems to be a bit of a challenge. The problem with being a 'recovering' or ex-drug addict but not actually having any criminal convictions for drug posession or whatever it means I can't access any of the 'back to work' employment programs. Meh.
