This should be dark enough, though short as it's late and I'm tired and drunk.
So, I'm about to be middle aged, 39, and it scares the fuck out of me and I hate it, and that's only part of it.
Many people I think, though not everyone, will have a "vision of hope" in their teen years and 20s, maybe it goes up through their 30s, (and this timeline could differ of course) but it will be likely, if it is not REALLY based in reality (as mine isn't/wasn't) to fade out as you get older.
If that vision was enabling you to really work harder and try harder (as mine was...and I don't think I need to say what it was yet cause it doesn't matter as everyone's is different...)....well, if your's was getting you to work towards a future you believed would make you happy and peaceful, and then suddenly you stop believing in it...THAT"S FUCKING HARSH.
I mean, what is life without hope??
Everyone has something different that gives them hope, but all that matters is there is something to make you think if you work hard (the WORK is ESSENTIAL as in the end really the work ITSELF is what gives you salvation...NOT the end...).....that if you do....something better might be there for you.
Well....basically, my old vision of hope died for the most part, and now I'm binging harder on drugs then ever before because when the hope dies only momentary salvation from your favorite drugs feels good, but this shit is hitting me HARD with the negative effects of my favorite drugs, right now mostly dexadrine, but also alcohol, only Kratom for the past week which is my favorite but I threw it out......benzos/Klonopin that I take for anxiety but NEED to cut down on before my brain dies....maybe switch to Gabapentin???.............I am not working over the summer so I shut myself off in a dark air-conditioned room and sleep all day with ear plugs in cut off from reality.
I might wake up in the middle of the day and fucking take melatonin to fall back to sleep to sleep till the evening when I chug coffee.
Life is pure escapism via drugs, internet and TV.
And also, I found out I have very high cholesterol which....while not an IMMEDIATE threat at my age....will be in 10--15 years if I don't deal with it.....but I haven't been....and in fact...most likely with the amounts of stimulants and booze I have been drinking I could MAYBE be at risk of stroke/heart attack now....though PROBABLY not...most likely I've got about 7-8 years serving as a MILD "buffer" between immediate cardiac--event.
Shit is serious, I'm alone...and when fucked up like now, not really caring as much as I should if I died if it was very sudden, though really if I thought about I'd flip out, especially considering my family's reaction.
Overall....I mean....I've been fucked up many times...maybe not QUITE this fucked but close....and lost a shitload of weight (to gain it back as I often do)....stopped the drugs for months (mostly....) to get a "relatively" clean bill of health to start up again once I knew I was "ok"....
And basically....I guess I don't have enough left in my life to make me happy aside from drugs.
Many friends moved away and are hard to reach and I have no social life anymore....and I keep hoping I can convince myself of a vision to believe in for a hopeful future to help me get my shit together.
I know i'll somehow "clean up"...but how long will it last?
Cause it never does without a vision of hope.
Well, is that dark enough for this forum?
I thought this could go in mental health but figured it's better here.
That's all for now.
So, I'm about to be middle aged, 39, and it scares the fuck out of me and I hate it, and that's only part of it.
Many people I think, though not everyone, will have a "vision of hope" in their teen years and 20s, maybe it goes up through their 30s, (and this timeline could differ of course) but it will be likely, if it is not REALLY based in reality (as mine isn't/wasn't) to fade out as you get older.
If that vision was enabling you to really work harder and try harder (as mine was...and I don't think I need to say what it was yet cause it doesn't matter as everyone's is different...)....well, if your's was getting you to work towards a future you believed would make you happy and peaceful, and then suddenly you stop believing in it...THAT"S FUCKING HARSH.
I mean, what is life without hope??
Everyone has something different that gives them hope, but all that matters is there is something to make you think if you work hard (the WORK is ESSENTIAL as in the end really the work ITSELF is what gives you salvation...NOT the end...).....that if you do....something better might be there for you.
Well....basically, my old vision of hope died for the most part, and now I'm binging harder on drugs then ever before because when the hope dies only momentary salvation from your favorite drugs feels good, but this shit is hitting me HARD with the negative effects of my favorite drugs, right now mostly dexadrine, but also alcohol, only Kratom for the past week which is my favorite but I threw it out......benzos/Klonopin that I take for anxiety but NEED to cut down on before my brain dies....maybe switch to Gabapentin???.............I am not working over the summer so I shut myself off in a dark air-conditioned room and sleep all day with ear plugs in cut off from reality.
I might wake up in the middle of the day and fucking take melatonin to fall back to sleep to sleep till the evening when I chug coffee.
Life is pure escapism via drugs, internet and TV.
And also, I found out I have very high cholesterol which....while not an IMMEDIATE threat at my age....will be in 10--15 years if I don't deal with it.....but I haven't been....and in fact...most likely with the amounts of stimulants and booze I have been drinking I could MAYBE be at risk of stroke/heart attack now....though PROBABLY not...most likely I've got about 7-8 years serving as a MILD "buffer" between immediate cardiac--event.
Shit is serious, I'm alone...and when fucked up like now, not really caring as much as I should if I died if it was very sudden, though really if I thought about I'd flip out, especially considering my family's reaction.
Overall....I mean....I've been fucked up many times...maybe not QUITE this fucked but close....and lost a shitload of weight (to gain it back as I often do)....stopped the drugs for months (mostly....) to get a "relatively" clean bill of health to start up again once I knew I was "ok"....
And basically....I guess I don't have enough left in my life to make me happy aside from drugs.
Many friends moved away and are hard to reach and I have no social life anymore....and I keep hoping I can convince myself of a vision to believe in for a hopeful future to help me get my shit together.
I know i'll somehow "clean up"...but how long will it last?
Cause it never does without a vision of hope.
Well, is that dark enough for this forum?
I thought this could go in mental health but figured it's better here.
That's all for now.