Desperate No self control, recklessness

[telepathetic]

Or so you think.
Just how old are you, anyway?

28

 

[user name1]

I've only binged on it like 30 or 50 times, never longer than a week, in general I am reckless with whatever is available while I'm in that state, Crack is the worst financially, meth is worst mental health wise, and heroin the most dangerous.

Been stone cold sober 13 days!

that's great! keep it up bro and if you slip please don't be harsh on yourself - it happens to the best of us..

 

[deficiT]

I'm also 28. Yippee!?!? But man I can definitely identify with this, I've been down alot of similar self destructive paths and I always thought I was miserable sober, but I'm slowly starting to realize that I have the capability to be any type of person I'd like when I'm sober. Idk it's taken a lot of falling off the wagon, but I finally feel positive about being sober and have very little intention to get high again. In fact, my most truly miserable moments have ALL come when I was fucked up or withdrawing/coming down. It took me a little while to realize that.

Sorry if you already went into this, I didn't read the whole thread, but why is it that you CANT take psych meds?

 

[telepathetic]

I'm also 28. Yippee!?!? But man I can definitely identify with this, I've been down alot of similar self destructive paths and I always thought I was miserable sober, but I'm slowly starting to realize that I have the capability to be any type of person I'd like when I'm sober. Idk it's taken a lot of falling off the wagon, but I finally feel positive about being sober and have very little intention to get high again. In fact, my most truly miserable moments have ALL come when I was fucked up or withdrawing/coming down. It took me a little while to realize that.

Sorry if you already went into this, I didn't read the whole thread, but why is it that you CANT take psych meds?

When i tried a few different antipsychotics, I became a shell of who I was, lost all desire to grow and connect, my ability to communicate and articulate myself, my cognitive abilities and was a shell of who I was. I sunk into a deep depression, and couldn't get out of bed for months, and then even worse coming off. Like 8 months later I'm finally starting to get back to who I was/am now.

It's becoming blaringly clear i am bipolar, and I I willing to try another class, something like depakote and lamictal or even lithium, and it's something I am considering.

 

[n3ophy7e]

When i tried a few different antipsychotics, I became a shell of who I was, lost all desire to grow and connect, my ability to communicate and articulate myself, my cognitive abilities and was a shell of who I was. I sunk into a deep depression, and couldn't get out of bed for months, and then even worse coming off. Like 8 months later I'm finally starting to get back to who I was/am now.

I am sure you are aware, but this is reeeeeally common with APs. Sorry to hear you had such a shitty experience though. I would not wish it upon anyone

It's becoming blaringly clear i am bipolar, and I I willing to try another class, something like depakote and lamictal or even lithium, and it's something I am considering.

It's encouraging to hear that you're considering trying other meds. I trialled 8 different antidepressants before I found the right one for me, and whilst that is not exactly the same as your situation, it illustrates that it can take numerous attempts to find the right med/combination of meds that works best for you. Don't give up

 

[telepathetic]

I am sure you are aware, but this is reeeeeally common with APs. Sorry to hear you had such a shitty experience though. I would not wish it upon anyone


It's encouraging to hear that you're considering trying other meds. I trialled 8 different antidepressants before I found the right one for me, and whilst that is not exactly the same as your situation, it illustrates that it can take numerous attempts to find the right med/combination of meds that works best for you. Don't give up

After today's binge with nearly 500mg d-ampjetamone just the fact that I even did that means I'm bipolar but the choices I made were horrible and I'm literally out 2300$. I need meds now. Lucky I didn't OD

 

[deficiT]

When i tried a few different antipsychotics, I became a shell of who I was, lost all desire to grow and connect, my ability to communicate and articulate myself, my cognitive abilities and was a shell of who I was. I sunk into a deep depression, and couldn't get out of bed for months, and then even worse coming off. Like 8 months later I'm finally starting to get back to who I was/am now.

It's becoming blaringly clear i am bipolar, and I I willing to try another class, something like depakote and lamictal or even lithium, and it's something I am considering.

Yeah man, I've heard of a lot of people having great success with lamictal, I personally got the rash so I couldn't use it.

I have ran into that problem with antipsychotics. I've gotten back on them recently, although on a much lower dose. Personally that's been effective for avoiding all the emotional numbness, though I understand that won't work for everyone.

 

[telepathetic]

Yeah man, I've heard of a lot of people having great success with lamictal, I personally got the rash so I couldn't use it.

I have ran into that problem with antipsychotics. I've gotten back on them recently, although on a much lower dose. Personally that's been effective for avoiding all the emotional numbness, though I understand that won't work for everyone.

I more need something to stop me from going into manic states

 

[f1mula0ne]

As for the relapse, I only call it that because I had sworn off crack forever. I haven't been sober before that though. I'm a miserable son of a bitch sober, like I can't talk, I'm quiet, introverted and suffering from severe physical emotional and mental anxiety and depression. Everyday takes so much effort to even get out of bed, interacting with ppl is impossible unless I'm high

This is exactly how I feel, I'm not exactly an addict, just a miserable prick when I'm sober. I sleep for 12-14 hours and struggle to get out of bed. And if I do manage, I just snap at people or dig myself into a hole mentally and pursue it. Considering taking modafinil first thing in the morning, I know it's a dirty drug but it could keep me from relapsing again. Argh. The housing people have decided I need drug and alcohol counselling, I've got very little chance of getting my own place (which I need for my own sanity) and seriously I've stopped making music (my hobby when I was high and home alone), I just can't find that middle ground. Has anything helped you cope?

Edit: I'm on 15mg olanzapine, 50mg chlorpromazine and 1g sodium valproate...My mania has been so bad lately and everyone around me can see me breaking which just makes me go deeper into my shell if that makes sense? I feel a rare sense of liberation from crack (not that I have that much, I had 50mg last night), just reaching out to my friends is hard because time waits for no one, and I'm just sitting back watching my life decay. Seeing a psychiatrist in 2 weeks time but I really hope I get to that point. My new housemate is manic as hell and I swear he likes to fuck with me, my neighbours are arseholes and I'm just fucking wounded. Mentally and trying to live life without having seen a psychiatrist all year. Partly my fault but seriously I've been reaching out to every avenue only to have it backfire on me. My best friend just gives me the stink eye when I tell him that I've used etc, he's got his shit together to some extent, meanwhile I'm in the slow lane not having committed to any courses or course of action, watched like a hawk (I have a CCTV camera literally pointed at my abode), and now sharing with a frantic music-obsessed "paedophile hunter" who just rubs me wrong whenever I see him. What gives.

 

[deficiT]

This is exactly how I feel, I'm not exactly an addict, just a miserable prick when I'm sober. I sleep for 12-14 hours and struggle to get out of bed. And if I do manage, I just snap at people or dig myself into a hole mentally and pursue it. Considering taking modafinil first thing in the morning, I know it's a dirty drug but it could keep me from relapsing again. Argh. The housing people have decided I need drug and alcohol counselling, I've got very little chance of getting my own place (which I need for my own sanity) and seriously I've stopped making music (my hobby when I was high and home alone), I just can't find that middle ground. Has anything helped you cope?

Edit: I'm on 15mg olanzapine, 50mg chlorpromazine and 1g sodium valproate...My mania has been so bad lately and everyone around me can see me breaking which just makes me go deeper into my shell if that makes sense? I feel a rare sense of liberation from crack (not that I have that much, I had 50mg last night), just reaching out to my friends is hard because time waits for no one, and I'm just sitting back watching my life decay. Seeing a psychiatrist in 2 weeks time but I really hope I get to that point. My new housemate is manic as hell and I swear he likes to fuck with me, my neighbours are arseholes and I'm just fucking wounded. Mentally and trying to live life without having seen a psychiatrist all year. Partly my fault but seriously I've been reaching out to every avenue only to have it backfire on me. My best friend just gives me the stink eye when I tell him that I've used etc, he's got his shit together to some extent, meanwhile I'm in the slow lane not having committed to any courses or course of action, watched like a hawk (I have a CCTV camera literally pointed at my abode), and now sharing with a frantic music-obsessed "paedophile hunter" who just rubs me wrong whenever I see him. What gives.

Damn man. This is a tough situation but you can fight your way out of it. Allow your self to feel what you need to feel, and hope that through this experience it will drive to do bigger and better things in the long run. It sucks ass, but everything is a learning experience.

And I'm sorry about your crazy roomie. I got into a similar situation earlier this year and it didn't end well at all. I'm hoping you are able to get your own place before too long. I'm really hoping I can do the same sometime soon.

 

[Harmredux]

Have you ever considered that you may have a brain or other tumor that's messing with your neurotransmitters?
I recently read about several women with ovarian tumors that caused such severe symptoms all 3 had families that resorted to exorcism... For real!
You could have a small tumor on any one of a dozen places that would throw your risk/reward chemistry out of whack.
Get a Good neurosurgeon to do comprehensive blood work and imaging looking for this.
You don't lack self control, you lack fear which is totally different.
Impulsive behavior this severe likely has underlying causes and imagine if a simple operation could explain and justify your actions?
Your family would also be able to understand if this was the case.

Try researching the area of the brain that deals with impulse control and see if there's something unusual going on.
Hoping there's a quick fix for you.

 

[telepathetic]

Have you ever considered that you may have a brain or other tumor that's messing with your neurotransmitters?
I recently read about several women with ovarian tumors that caused such severe symptoms all 3 had families that resorted to exorcism... For real!
You could have a small tumor on any one of a dozen places that would throw your risk/reward chemistry out of whack.
Get a Good neurosurgeon to do comprehensive blood work and imaging looking for this.
You don't lack self control, you lack fear which is totally different.
Impulsive behavior this severe likely has underlying causes and imagine if a simple operation could explain and justify your actions?
Your family would also be able to understand if this was the case.

Try researching the area of the brain that deals with impulse control and see if there's something unusual going on.
Hoping there's a quick fix for you.

I have - I think this would have shown on a head MRI I had done within the last 3 years though (not looking for tumors but injury after an accident), unless it like developed right after that MRI, it wouldn't really fit the time span. afaik cancer would have shown up on the number of CBC's i get done reguarly (for someone so reckless, i am also kind of a hypochondriac)

it seemed to begin right around the age of 25, but also coincided with when i first started abusing heavy stimulants and tried meth, never did it regularly but did cyclically abuse it in high doses, its been a long time since i have done that shit and I am still not right, drugs effect me different, etc.

(i'm 28 now)

it does fit the time period for the development of bipolar, really wondering whether to get on lithium.

however I also have comorbid addiction and trauma and am sort of planning to go take ibogaine soon to help. not sure if that is a good idea or not.

i haven't taken psychedelics in years

a quick fix would be awesome, but i am not sure it is out there (other than, maybe lithium).

the spending thousnads of dollars, risky sex, etc, seems to be hallmark bipolar. if that is the case, its going to get worse with age

 

[telepathetic]

This is exactly how I feel, I'm not exactly an addict, just a miserable prick when I'm sober. I sleep for 12-14 hours and struggle to get out of bed. And if I do manage, I just snap at people or dig myself into a hole mentally and pursue it. Considering taking modafinil first thing in the morning, I know it's a dirty drug but it could keep me from relapsing again. Argh. The housing people have decided I need drug and alcohol counselling, I've got very little chance of getting my own place (which I need for my own sanity) and seriously I've stopped making music (my hobby when I was high and home alone), I just can't find that middle ground. Has anything helped you cope?

Edit: I'm on 15mg olanzapine, 50mg chlorpromazine and 1g sodium valproate...My mania has been so bad lately and everyone around me can see me breaking which just makes me go deeper into my shell if that makes sense? I feel a rare sense of liberation from crack (not that I have that much, I had 50mg last night), just reaching out to my friends is hard because time waits for no one, and I'm just sitting back watching my life decay. Seeing a psychiatrist in 2 weeks time but I really hope I get to that point. My new housemate is manic as hell and I swear he likes to fuck with me, my neighbours are arseholes and I'm just fucking wounded. Mentally and trying to live life without having seen a psychiatrist all year. Partly my fault but seriously I've been reaching out to every avenue only to have it backfire on me. My best friend just gives me the stink eye when I tell him that I've used etc, he's got his shit together to some extent, meanwhile I'm in the slow lane not having committed to any courses or course of action, watched like a hawk (I have a CCTV camera literally pointed at my abode), and now sharing with a frantic music-obsessed "paedophile hunter" who just rubs me wrong whenever I see him. What gives.

since i wrote that post, i am feeling different. i am not feeling like i cant get out of bed anymore, but i think im like, still manic after a recent extreme manic episode (not to the point of psychosis or anything, but spent a lot of money and, well, lets just say I am not taking PEP, and also i almost died like 5 days ago shooting up cocaine [i dont usually shoot anything] and spent 3 days in the hospital).

i really think my brain is having trouble regulating dopamine. sometimes too high, sometimes too low. never, or very rarely just right.

 

[telepathetic]

Do you actually want to die??
Or do you want relief from this cycle that you're stuck in? Do you just want relief from feeling this way?
Because that is very very different.

this was tested recently. when I almost died, I went to sleep fine. got some kind of crazy blood infection. woke up deaf in both ears, numb in all extremities - unable to walk or hold myself up without collapsing - phone was dead, i live alone. had to fall down the stairs, crawl across the street, bang on neighbors door at like 4 am screaming that i was deaf and needed an ambulence. if i didnt want to live, well..

 

[papercuts]

this was tested recently. when I almost died, I went to sleep fine. got some kind of crazy blood infection. woke up deaf in both ears, numb in all extremities - unable to walk or hold myself up without collapsing - phone was dead, i live alone. had to fall down the stairs, crawl across the street, bang on neighbors door at like 4 am screaming that i was deaf and needed an ambulence. if i didnt want to live, well..

Glad you made it
I hear you saying a lot of familiar things there. I dunno, I look back over my life and all the stupid risky shit that could have killed me was all during or just after years of taking a lot of drugs. I got clean for many many years and I wasn't even impulsive any more because of crippling anxiety. Then longer ago than I've admitted so far, I began to relapse, now I have bupe holding me together, dose doubled from today. So has that stabilised me? No, fuck no. I'm now both crippled by anxiety and also doing impulsive shit whenever I try to gently relieve it.
If you find the answer, come back and tell us!

 

[telepathetic]

Glad you made it
I hear you saying a lot of familiar things there. I dunno, I look back over my life and all the stupid risky shit that could have killed me was all during or just after years of taking a lot of drugs. I got clean for many many years and I wasn't even impulsive any more because of crippling anxiety. Then longer ago than I've admitted so far, I began to relapse, now I have bupe holding me together, dose doubled from today. So has that stabilised me? No, fuck no. I'm now both crippled by anxiety and also doing impulsive shit whenever I try to gently relieve it.
If you find the answer, come back and tell us!

i've heard good things about lithium in research and from a few different people who had similar issues and take it

ECT as well

yeah i am glad too, but i dont know if im in the clear yet, with the organ pain and random nerves offline..

 

[papercuts]

i've heard good things about lithium in research and from a few different people who had similar issues and take it

ECT as well

yeah i am glad too, but i dont know if im in the clear yet, with the organ pain and random nerves offline..

Three days in hospital later they must think you'll be ok, it's scary though when you realise you could have been dead. Be kind to yourself, all kindness is healing.

 

[Harmredux]

Guess what? THE BEST KIND OF LITHIUM IS OTC!
Lithium orotate is the most bioavailable form, and you can get it at ant Vitamin Shoppe.

Also, in the USA, you can get St. John's and wort OTC, and which is prescription only in most countries
.

Obviously I am not qualified to give medical advice but research them and make an educated decision.
Warning on the St. Michael John's, it will make you sunburn easy and interacts with everything under the sun, but it's one of the best understood and most powerful mood lifters.

You can't just give up on looking for physical reasons why you are like this, research the best qualified neurosurgeon in your area and talk about it. You are aware of your behavior, that's seems unusual.

At least the neuro can advise what areas in the brain and endocrine system can produce this.
Endocrinologist would be my next visit, they can do much more detailed tests.
Just be honest and fearless the about what's bugging you, heck it seems like you have the fear thing covered!
If all else fails, go to LA and become the greatest stuntman of all time. At least when you work in the business they probably work with fearless hombres like you all the time! In fact, I doubt any stunt person has normal brain anatomy/physiology.

Good luck stuntman Skitz!

 

[telepathetic]

Three days in hospital later they must think you'll be ok, it's scary though when you realise you could have been dead. Be kind to yourself, all kindness is healing.

yeah i think it might be from injecting coagulated blood that wasn't really filtered, i never told the doctors, a bit worried

 

[n3ophy7e]

@schizoinfective I've been away for a week and missed what happened. Are you okay?? Was it someone else's blood in the needle or your own??

Also, in the USA, you can get St. John's and wort OTC, and which is prescription only in most countries
.

Obviously I am not qualified to give medical advice but research them and make an educated decision.
Warning on the St. Michael John's, it will make you sunburn easy and interacts with everything under the sun, but it's one of the best understood and most powerful mood lifters.

Yes, BUT you need to be careful recommending St John's Wort because it is contraindicated with a lot of medications, and a lot of people don't know that.