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No Contact with Ex Thread

Sirena Oscura

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 22, 2020
Messages
184
Location
Heaven Upside Down
So in light of a few members including myself (and @js420 etc) going through a tough time with significant others past and present, this thread is to vent about how difficult it is to make the decision to evoke the "no contact" rule, provide each other sympathy, a shoulder to cry on, and needed encouragement to keep it up when our willpower is waning or how it feels to be on the receiving end. Feel free to share your experience with the "no contact" rule, how it worked and turned out for you or how it felt being the one that didn't want to be contacted but ex wouldn't respect your boundaries/need for space and how it made you feel/how it affected the relationship.

Do you think no contact + space is necessary to get over an ex?
How did your ex handle it? Mine just ghosted, blocked me on everything and when I attempted to contact him would get annoyed and tell me not to. Is there a more diplomatic approach to it?
Is friendship possible about relationship breakdown and no contact for certain period of time?
Does no contact help or hinder?
Do people who evoke the no contact rule have any idea how hurtful it is/can be? Perhaps they themselves are hurting but feel they have to do it for the good of themselves and the relationship.

I think not respecting my spouse's desire for space and no contact for a period of time (regardless how he handled it by ghosting) without specifying a period of time (has now been 1 year) is hurting my chances with him in future even as a friend. He may not even want to be friends, but I would. I am thinking of going no contact officially perhaps to appease him/his desire for no contact and space in order to help the future relationship. I'm worried he won't ever contact me again though....
 
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js420

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
43
Good thread NEM.

After a break up 2 months ago my ex started talking to on of my old mates she'd only met once very briefly 4 years ago.

long story short shes now developed feelings for him and says she still had under lying feelings for me, just didnt want to tell me to add drama to the situation.

we were together 6 years and have 2 kids together. its been a rough week, and the past few days shes said how "i wish i never messaged him to begin with"

We both know that I need to give her space, we need a break to see if she actually does have true feelings for me. I guess this is the hardest thing for me as weve always been best friends(through the ups and downs) and the other night we hugged and had a deep convosation about how weve always been each others rock.

Its very hard to not message her, not in regards to asking how she feels about me, but i just want to hear her voice, just get a message from her about anything..i know shes very confused right now but i cant be around that. she needs to make up her own mind and relise what she wants.

Hope your OK NEM and anyone else going through similar times.

Bluelight is therapy, straight up 💕
 

Pretty_Diamonds

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 13, 2007
Messages
3,375
Location
USA
No contact is necessary IMO to completely move on. Once you start talking -- you starting needing and wanting that person. When I break up -- I break off all contact so we can both move on and heal. It's too painful to keep re-opening old wounds.
 

G_Chem

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
2,480
Well been together mostly on (some off) for about 13yrs now, but this passed year seems to be the ultimate test that I think we may unfortunately fail :(

That said, we did have about a 2yr period where we broke up and then slowly got back together starting with just casual fucking.

I tried NC twice, making it a month the first time and 2’ish months the second. I broke both times, weak I guess, but I was also in a really bad place then with no job no future no money, it was bad.

Nowadays I feel like I could get in a car and drive never looking back, I feel I’ve put everything I’ve got into this relationship and if it can’t work at this point I feel I did everything I could. Then again who knows where my head would be a week out..

That’s the thing, when you’ve spent this long together, been through hell n back together, it’s really hard to “throw it all away” and eventually I soften up enough to give it YET another go..

-GC
 

Sirena Oscura

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 22, 2020
Messages
184
Location
Heaven Upside Down
It’s good you’re so open and aware/have insight into the situation/your behaviour. I would definitely encourage you to stick through it for better days, unless... there are more arguments than smiles and laughter, or you’re feeling more unloved or aware you may be making them feel unloved such as by withdrawing, etc. As long as you have more good times than bad or can see a solution- and want to- you just have to ask yourself is the relationship serving you; is it worth it or is it causing more hardship for either of you.... (my two cents, feel free to ignore)
 

Atelier3

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
1,651
Typically I have strict no-contact and disconnect all social media connections from break-up day and keep it in force until I no longer care if they might be fucking someone else. Then I try and become friends with them again if they don’t hate me too much. Usually the friendship comes a few years after breakup. Some of my best friends now are women I originally barred from contacting me after breakup.
 

Atelier3

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
1,651
Do you give closure (wait until both of you are finished and accept it’s over) or just bail and ghost, @Atelier3?
Good question. It’s only after the last argument and all the recriminations and we’ve hashed everything out and decided it’s just not gonna work. I don’t think much of ghosting - kind of bad mannered and impolite.
 

Sirena Oscura

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Joined
Jul 22, 2020
Messages
184
Location
Heaven Upside Down
I can understand that. One of my ex’s didn’t cut off contact completely but reduced it by 99.9% but probably because 1. He’s a good guy and 2. He knew I struggle with abandonment and stuff. It was sad but way less hurtful than not getting proper closure and just cutting off....
 

Atelier3

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
1,651
I can understand that. One of my ex’s didn’t cut off contact completely but reduced it by 99.9% but probably because 1. He’s a good guy and 2. He knew I struggle with abandonment and stuff. It was sad but way less hurtful than not getting proper closure and just cutting off....
Closure is a funny thing. I’ve had good relationships where closure was there for both of us on the day we separated and not so good, or maybe just complicated, relationships where closure has taken decades. I used to have a bad habit of looking up ex girlfriends where things seem unresolved and getting back together with them years or decades later. The second time around usually only lasts about 5 minutes but it does often resolve all the issues. I’ve now learned to let sleeping dogs lie.
 
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