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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Need some advice

I've been up all night, and have been eating insane amounts of food. I never ate when I was drinking heavily because it hurt my stomach, and I guess I was getting thousand of calories just from the drinks instead. So, my digestive system is a bit confused. I'm feeling a bit better right now, and something weird happened. For the first time in many years I had a feeling in the deep recesses of my brain that felt so weird. I think I was looking forward to watching a movie I downloaded and eating some snacks. Maybe I was anticipating doing something fun. I guess the drinking really had such a strong grasp over my personality for such a huge number of years that I didn't want to blame it, but I'm starting to see now that it was enabling me to stay depressed. I'm going to go out for a walk, get some fresh air, and maybe buy some more food - I've eaten everything that was in my cupboards!

There's clearly a long way to go yet. My life is still a complete mess, the fallout from 20 years of daily drinking is not pretty. I am definitely feeling like I have made the first step in the right direction, a few thousand more and I might start to be able to enjoy the things that normal people enjoy. I still have no job, no money and no direction in my life. I have got some mild sleep tablets, I will have one and see if I can get 8-9 hours sleep and see how I feel after that. My craving for some booze is still almost uncontrollable.

I just need to find something that I can focus on, without drinking I am suddenly going to find that I have a huge amount of spare time.

Only about a week ago now that I was under the influence of 3-4 bottles of wine and ransacking my medicine cupboard for something to finish me off. And I remember how I felt - determined. Had something been there for me to take I would not be writing this.
 
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It?s kind of a win-win...go for a walk and get some groceries. You already know the value of endorphins that come from exercise of any kind as well as fueling your body with food rather than other stuff.
Your feeling of anticipation to watch a movie and have some snacks. The feeling of upcoming joy. There will be more of that and more often. Happiness over the smaller things in life, or even a general appreciation will follow. I am sure those feelings were numbed by alcohol for many years.
You are doing an amazing job! The urges still seem so strong. It must get overwhelming when you look long term and I still feel such a sense of impending doom in your own outlook. Is it too early to start thinking a little farther out? Something to focus on to fill your free
time? Are you thinking hobby or employment?

You were determined a week ago to perform a detrimental act, I am sure that determination can also be used to start thinking about your future goals.

Hope you are now getting some sleep AG. Keep on, keeping on!!
 
Hope you got some sleep.
Take comfort in all the posts on your thread. So many people understand and have or are living similar to yourself. Comfort in numbers per se?
Enjoy your Sunday, you have done a fine job this past week.
 
seek out the nearest AA meeting and share your story! im sure you've been through that already, but in some cities they also offer shelters for people who have lost their home due to addiction. you will meet people there who have been through hell and back and they will offer you not only advice, but also compassion, love and guidance.
life's always changing and so will your current situation. suicide is a drastic and permanent fix for a temporary problem. dont do it!
 
Damn good progress op! You're doing really good especially for going cold turkey. Surprised you didn't need detox, but if you can handle it then that's great. Just don't be afraid to get medical help if you need it.

rick24wag said:
Exercise literally got me out of bed and feeling better in a week. 30 min jog or walk will do wonders.
Click to expand...

And this... Getting a good diet back and exercise will definitely improve your mood and take up some time also.
 
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Diet is not great - this morning I had the most intense craving for chocolate cake and ginger beer, ended up going out and getting them. I'm eating more in a day than I used to in a week! Yes I did go 100% cold turkey, which thinking about it was extremely unwise, was extremely uncomfortable but I feel like it's 90% over now. But I was at a crisis point and didn't really have much choice.
 
I wouldn't worry too much about diet while getting through acute withdrawals. Eating cupcakes and pizza isn't going to cause any immediate problems unless you already have health complications like diabetes. Of course, you should probably get a health check up before assuming everything is good to go, as diseases like diabetes is really common among alcoholics.

Most people put on some weight after getting sober for the same reasons you're experiencing. It's a sign of your body returning to normal function.

Much more importantly is staying away from the drug and working on your recovery. If you just stop drinking and don't do anything else differently, you will get better to a point, but you will plateau out pretty quickly. A lot of people get to that point and say "well my life is still shit, I still feel like shit, so I might as well have some fun even if it kills me". Usually when I find myself with that type of thinking it is a sign that I'm not working hard enough. When I am accomplishing things, especially things I struggled to do or couldn't do when I was high, I usually don't crave drugs at all and in those moments feel gratitude for getting off them. I'm able to have perspective and see how much they were holding me back.

Of course, not always, sometimes I just feel like shit even when things are going well. And I think a lot of that is normal.
 
Mafioso said:
"well my life is still shit, I still feel like shit, so I might as well have some fun even if it kills me".
Click to expand...

That is exactly my problem. But I have never really experienced sobriety for any length of time as an adult. I feel like I've been in a wheelchair my whole life, and someone has taken my wheelchair away. I've been able to pass interviews, training courses, exams, hire and fire people at work and go about my business whilst under the influence. I was called out on it only once by a very intelligent guy, not because I was intoxicated, but was extremely hungover on several occasions.

I have always mentally blamed everyone and everything except myself for my situation. I think the only way I am going to recover is by scraping some money together and starting afresh somewhere new, applying for jobs and trying to do what normal people do. I suspect it will be 2-3 months before I can start thinking clearly again.

I've never experienced hunger like this before. Before I have even finished eating I am thinking about what to eat next.
 
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Just read this whole thread and wow, I wasn't expecting the best but I was pleasantly surprised, I bet you didn't know you where this strong, keep it up fella, So happy that's you've turned everything around
 
AutisticGraham said:
That is exactly my problem. But I have never really experienced sobriety for any length of time as an adult. I feel like I've been in a wheelchair my whole life, and someone has taken my wheelchair away. I've been able to pass interviews, training courses, exams, hire and fire people at work and go about my business whilst under the influence. I was called out on it only once by a very intelligent guy, not because I was intoxicated, but was extremely hungover on several occasions.

I have always mentally blamed everyone and everything except myself for my situation. I think the only way I am going to recover is by scraping some money together and starting afresh somewhere new, applying for jobs and trying to do what normal people do. I suspect it will be 2-3 months before I can start thinking clearly again.

I've never experienced hunger like this before. Before I have even finished eating I am thinking about what to eat next.
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Sounds like you never really needed a wheelchair to begin with though, and that by using one you made yourself into a cripple.

If you were capable of all of that while wheeling yourself unnecessarily around in a wheelchair, then it'd be impressive to see what you could accomplish once you get out of the wheelchair and rebuild the muscle on your atrophied legs.

Also, just because no one called you out doesn't mean no one noticed. Lots of people will notice things like that and ignore it either because they don't want the conflict or don't know how to address the situation. Usually when you call anyone on their drug habit it becomes a huge argument and the person becomes extremely defensive sometimes even aggressive.
 
AutisticGraham said:
I've never experienced hunger like this before. Before I have even finished eating I am thinking about what to eat next.
Click to expand...

That's good! Means that your body is craving real food and not full of empty calories (booze).

AutisticGraham said:
I haven't turned anything around, I have just forced myself to not drink for a few days.
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That's a huge step, why not make it a few more days? I think if you give yourself a little time to get through the withdrawal symptoms you'll start seeing how much healthier you feel among other things.
 
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I am really, really struggling now. The shop opens in an hour, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up! I associate almost every time of the day and activity with having a strong beer or glass of wine, doing the same things without booze is so alien and extremely uncomfortable. Heavy drinking is so heavily ingrained into me that this few days of abstinence feels like nothing other than a novelty - there's no way I can maintain it.
 
You have to do things differently if you want to change, and often that means a struggle. But it also often means trying a different approach. Trying to stay sober on sheer will power alone doesn't often work, if it ever does. Telling yourself you will fail will always be a self-fulfilling statement.

Thinking your struggle is unlike any others will leave you isolated, when in reality many people are going through the same thing. You might be surprised how similar your story is to others after attending a few AA meetings.
 
Man you have to get in touch with people. It's really hard to do this on your own. Meetings or a Dr would be a big help. Also if you can walk or jog exercise is a huge help when quitting anything. Don't exert yourself just did deep breathing, create a positive saying while you walk and only focus on the moment. Getting our side and getting your God flow going is so hard to start but I'm telling you it works. You have nothing to lose. Make a deal with yourself. Walk or jog for 45 minutes for 5 days straight before you buy any booze. If you feel better you'll know it's possible to feel better without it. You just need to know you can feel good by doing other things then drinking. I promise just staying inside alone with your thoughts all day will not help and you'll get booze. If you wasn't this you must do the hard thing and get out and seek like minded people who will help or to exercise. I found exercise to be addicting, it can replace a real addiction. You have to want it. Get mad and take control. I've been where you are on drugs that took months to get out of my system. I was living dead for a year with no emotion, just pain and sorrow but I got up and went outside and it was my fix. Don't look at your past failures as a prediction for future outcomes. The score is 0-0 you just need to score once to take the lead but only you can make the point. You are smart enough to know what you need to do and what hasn't worked and what will. People like is that have suffered end up enjoying life the most because we know what feeling nothing is like. Just feeling a little better is a huge step and the next one is easier. Take that first step.
 
AutisticGraham said:
I haven't turned anything around, I have just forced myself to not drink for a few days.
Click to expand...

Days ago you were suicidal, not willing to listen to anyone,
Now you've gone a couple of days of not drinking, In my opinion that's a huge fucking step forward, and its the hardest one too.
Get to some sort of programme, AA or whatever, Dr's are incredibly supportive in helping to kick alcohol addictions, very few people do it alone, I couldn't of.
Its difficult at first, I still miss having a glass of Wild Turkey with breakfast, I don't miss being a stinking drunk though, the way people looked at me, not knowing every time I opened my mouth the room smelt like a distillery.
The positives will far outweigh the negatives, just give it time
 
I would say that I am still suicidal. Life without a drink for someone who loves drinking so much is boring and pointless. It's funny how everyone assumes that all alcoholics want to get sober, I hate being sober and want to go back to being an alcoholic. Yes, I admit that being stared at for being plastered in a supermarket at 8am is bothersome, but I stopped caring about what others thought over a decade ago. Knowing that drinking so heavily would kill me in the next few years provided me relief and allowed me to validate some of my crazy behaviour.

Being sober is crap. Everything I do just bores me. Knowing that being sober and healthy could result in me living for 30 more years is terrifying - 3 decades of extreme boredom.
 
Can you elaborate some on the why and how you got sober? Were you forced?

Have you seen a psychiatrist? Meds may help.
 
I'm not sure why I got sober at all. Meds don't help, been down that route a couple of times.

I guess I knew that alcohol was slowly and surely destroying me, but I took solace in that because my life is just so shit that I didn't care. I have always been quite self-destructive, I would consider my alcohol abuse to be a form of self-harm. I suppose I know that not drinking any more is the "right" thing to do, and is the only way that I might be able to make something of the time I have left.

It doesn't help that I can easily buy alcohol 24 hours a day, at the newsagents, at the train station, airports, bowling alley, restaurants, and I can even get home delivery from an on-line off-license.
 
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quitting drinking alone might stop some of your problems, but it isn't a solution to your situation in and of itself. Really, it is often the more simple(not easy though) step of the recovery process.

Rebuilding a social networking and reinvesting yourself into your life is much more complex and takes a lot more time, although by comparison these things are generally easier than detoxing. It's never comfortable stepping out of your comfort zone but it can be very rewarding and freeing.

So long as you maintain your mopey attitude of "my life is worthless so I might as well drink to kill the pain", it will always be true. It doesn't have to be that way though. It is possible to break free from self-sabotaging thought processes.

Ultimately you have to find those things that spark life behind your eyes, and you have to pursue those things. Others might be able to help you along the way, especially with encouragement and inspiration, but no one can be passionate about life for you. If you don't find anything interesting, that is your fault not the fault of the rest of the world. It isn't the world that is boring and uninspired and hopeless. Things don't have to be this way forever.
 
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