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Recovery Need help kicking Heroin while I have it easy

kickitnow

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
75
I've been using heroin on and off for 8 years now. I've been physically addicted many times, varying in severity, but there have also recently been 3-4 month stints when I touched nothing harder than a beer. The most recent of these was feb-may of this year. I got married overseas. Sadly, from the minute I got home I've binged since then to the point where i was using 1/4 a gram daily. This costs $150 in local currency.(I know right).

Money has always been my trigger, created in the days of knee-deep desperate addiction. I need to put together 10k to get on with my life. (Immigration bill for my wife. So we can live with together. I miss her - another excuse I use to get on). The stress of this is why I use, and using is, obviously counter productive to this goal, compounding that stress. Vicious circle. I've blown every fortnightly paycheck on smack since may. The exception being the current one.

In terms of Withdrawal, I'm no stranger to it. I made it to 5 days before using to avoid insomnia so I could work. Used for a week. Then went through WD again. Lasted 7 days, the withdrawals were handled with valium,loperamide and grit. Used again, and here I am on the end of day 3, fighting cravings but with no physical withdrawal symptoms and about $800 in the bank.

I know that if I can kick my habit now, with the money I am so blessed to be earning (junkies make great salesmen)
I can reach my goal in no time. I just kind of lucked a gentle taper off the shit so there is never going to be a better time to quit than now. I genuinely love my wife, and dont want to being her into a world I'd already convinced myself I'd left behind.

I'm a smart guy, a loving husband that wants to do good and be good.

but I really want that needle in my arm.

please, help
 
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mrsnowygrainius

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 2, 2013
Messages
427
Location
jersey
you should try a suboxone or methadone maintenance program, ORT, for long term or short term. Studies show that ORT offers highly statistics of success rates than pure abstinence...

trust me. If you have any questions about suboxone lmk I've been on it for 4 years and it saves my life everyday.
 

cj

Moderator: H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Nov 18, 2008
Messages
9,536
Location
On a sinking boat
Methadone Is my suggestion. 8 years is a long time to be using even if there really where some breaks. The odds of you quitting for good with a simple detox are really really low. In fact your pattern of use is dangerous as your tolerance fluctuates making you more likely to accidentally OD.
 

kickitnow

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
75
Thank you both for replying, I didn't cop, but it's on the mind. Reading this really helped give me something else to thing about.

It's interesting you both recommend replacement therapy. The reason I haven't is exactly those month long stints when I'm overseas without anything. I don't need anything then, so I can push past the physical cycle. This relapse started with a deep craving about a month before I got back though. Will a substitute really kill the cravings? I don't really have a need to be opiated. Just this damned contradictory want for the shit.

I've always been scared of methadone as I have seen so many acquaintances in the past abuse the local system. I've read anecdotal evidence that it's even harder to give up than H. With Subs I have a mate who seems to have put his life together with them(He wisely distanced himself). But he wasn't missing a dose.

Cj you're not wrong about tolerance. My last use had me puking non-stop and going 2 days unpaid. I woke in up an in ER 2013. Why am I such a silly boy.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,600
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Do you do a lot of international or national travel for work kickitnow? How long is your average trip?

If it isn't over about a week I'd highly recommend methadone, but you have to really commit to it. The rules of the clinics are there for mostly good reason, and they can be very rigid and restrictive. That is why, if you travel a lot, especially if for long periods of time, regardless of whether national or international, buprenorphine/Suboxone might be a better choice for you.

You have a lot of more freedom on Suboxone, as you get your script for the entire month and that is pretty much that, whereas methadone you have to go to the clinic every day until you get take homes, and even then you can only get so many take homes. But IME methadone is more effective in terms of eliminating the cravings compared to buprenorphine.

It might also be worthwhile looking into kratom, though out of all these options methadone is the best because of the structure the clinic can provide (provided you find yourself a clinic that gives two shits about its patients).
 

kickitnow

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
75
Sorry for not replying Toothpaste dog. My assumption is I relapsed at that point and dug myself a deeper hole. In answer to your question, I travel overseas to visit my wife. I'll stay anywhere from 3 weeks to a few months. I have no problem quitting drugs when I'm physically relocated/with my wife. or both.

So, of course, I didn't quit 'while I had it easy'. By fuck, do I wish I could have. Since that post I think I kept using through september-october. At one point, in an effort to kick, I blew all my money on plane tickets and hotels. The first 18 days of november I was clean, (I popped a 8mg sub before getting on the plane, and detoxed in hotels.). Of course I didn't 'quit, while I had made it really plush and easy' either. I used when I got home.

The one thing I did learn from that wasted effort - weed sets me down the path. I smoked a tiny bit of weed the afternoon I got home and I was scheming and on my way to score within hours.

Since then Nov-18 I've been trying to quit. I'm at day 5 today, and this time it feels different. I went through hellish withdrawals, which began to abate by day 3. I went to a clinic, where I was planning to go on subs, but the Dr. suggested I try naltrexone tablets first, as I really didn't want to block my ability to travel. On her advice I took it that day. I was starting to scheme, but instead said "fuck you heroin" and downed a naltrexone. 20 mins later PWD kicks in and I'm in hell. Worst WDs I've ever felt and the knowledge that even getting on wouldn't cure it. I was going to get to an ER, luckily I managed to find a bunch of temazepam I'd had stashed for emergencies and it actually knocked me the fuck out. Day after that I crawled down to the docs and they gave me a bunch of valium. I got by on that.. hated knocking myself out after I was feeling proud of 3 days clean with only weed and lope.

Anyway, I'm feeling really strong today. Today feels different, like I've accomplished something big. I get the odd WD symptom was over me. I went for a fucking run this morning. Short lived, but fuck I felt great. On day 5! Not gonna take any valium until tonight, and only use it as a sleep aid. I do not want a benzo addiction.

I'm undecided wether to keep on with the naltrexone or not. I think the experience I had with it is a bit like a kid touching a hot stove. The thought of downing one of those pills again makes me gag. I know the experience I had with it was more a factor of poor timing - the manufacturer recommends at least 7 days after the last opiate, and I even pissed faintly positive for opis at the clinic.
I'm also worried about the interaction of naltrexone and lope. I've been leaning heavily on lope during my detox.

Anyway, I'm going to use this old post of mine to log my progress. If I had quit back then it would Have been painless and I'd have been at least $8000 richer. But I'm feeling strong now, I'm going to quit weed next, as I know it leads me down the path. I also want to remember the fight of the last few days without a haze. No weed, no benzos. I took a few punches but I fucking won this round. I'm going to at least keep a naltrexone on me at all times, a break in case of emergency, but I kinda want the victory to be on my own terms.

Wish me luck, I'll keep this updated. This time I'm going in fighting. No drugs 2017.
 

simco

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 20, 2014
Messages
2,257
Location
with the dead crow god
Fwiw, I had the same unpleasant introduction to naltrexone. Just awful pWDs. But then I managed to squeak out a few more clean days and tried again. Second time was easy peasy--no noticeable adverse reaction.

Since then, I've found naltrexone to be quite helpful. But you gotta approach it understanding what it does and doesn't do. In particular it lacks any demonstrable ability to reduce cravings. For me, it's benefit is just as a safety net to keep me
From fucking up.
 

kickitnow

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
75
Thanks for the reply guys! Day 7! Yesterday was my first day completely drug free, no weed, no benzos. Just an antihistamine for sleep (6 hours, broke in half. but still felt good)

Simco, your advice on Naltrexone has been great. I am going to give it another shot-- Just going to wait until I've had at least another day with no Lope. My GI tract is the only remaining symptom that's giving me grief, I'd hate to set back my WD again! Especially PWD. So sorry you had to go through PWD too. I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy.

For the cravings, I'm trying to work on my mental strength, so I've quit weed too and am scared to touch the benzos I have on hand. Giving consideration to giving them away. Having 50+ diazapam on hand feels risky. My inhibitions are wiped out with even a 5mg dose. (I once walked out of a cushy job and was fired for it because I took 1 valium before work for shits and giggles) loved my weed, smoked it for 20+ years but it just makes me an anxious mess especially in WD. A real shame as it helps with the GI distress, but I'm gonna need 100% of my mind body and soul to win this war.

But I'm winning. 1 week opiate free, 1 day drug free, and starting the new year becoming the man I want to be.
 
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kickitnow

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
75
Small update. So I started scheming about scoring and forced a naltrexone. So far no PWD from Lope, thank fuck.
It was an interesting experience. Part of me hating myself for taking the pill and spoiling the plan. but now time has passed, I'm happy to be still clean. Very happy I can now take naltrexone without getting violently ill.

Simco, you're right it doesn't do anything for craving. It's more of a logic circuit thing. Even if I used, I'd not get high, so no point dwelling on thinking about it.

I look forward to being able to beat cravings through mental strength, that's a skill I desperately want to acquire. Early days yet!
 

kickitnow

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
75
Thanks Sixxam!

Day 8, didn't get a wink of sleep last night. Damn it I thought I was out of the woods, this far in. I've been sleeping at least a little most nights. Insomnia is usually my worst symptom, as it fucks me up for work. I'm wondering if it's weed withdrawals kicking in now. But it's definitely got the flavour of restless squirming heroin WDs. Tonight I'll relent and use some diazepam.

Been riding a wave of positivity that's ended and now I feel blah af. The good news is I can take naltrexone. I don't feel like using anything, thankfully.
 

Sixxam

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2016
Messages
319
Man if kill to be that far a long. I'm probably gonna take two percs, for a brief break tonight. I'm only 44 hours in but it's too intense
 

kickitnow

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
75
Man if kill to be that far a long. I'm probably gonna take two percs, for a brief break tonight. I'm only 44 hours in but it's too intense
Brother it's hard, but the only way out is through. I've been a lot further along than this before, sadly.
Is it the insomnia doing you in as well? You're almost through the worst of it mate. Hang in there!

you know, a website that's helped me a lot is howtoquitheroin.com A lot of the advice seems corny af, but it actually works. The guy knows what he's talking about.
 

Sixxam

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2016
Messages
319
I haven't slept a wink. Granted ink only 48 hours in. Last cold detox was in may and I didn't get a wink of sleep for 12 days. Things got weird.
 

kickitnow

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
75
10 days in. First day back at work. I was feeling fine most of the day so pushed myself, by the end of the day felt like I was back in full WD. Ehhh 5 days to go. Had to drive past my deals house on the way to a job so gave a middle finger salute. I thought I was through this shit.
 

kickitnow

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
75
I'm almost embarrassed to bump my own thread having read the mammoth struggles of others on BL. but yeah I hit a huge goal in my recovery yesterday, and that was using the large amount of cash I saved from not using to pay my immigration agent a downpayment. Money has always been the biggest trigger for me. "Payday is when the fun-tickets arrive" I used to think. So for me to be able to put my finances away and use them in an adult fashion is a big step for me.

I was lying in the original post. I'd be using a 1/4 then going back in the afternoon and getting more "so I'd have some for the morning" then blowing through most of it in the evening, leaving a scrap for the morning and then going back for more. I'd be blowing $300 a day some days.

The price of the shit is so expensive where I live, but when the brain values a drug more than reason and well being you lose control. It's terrifying upon reflection how out of control I was.

Real proud of my victory here. I'm finally adulting and starting to do right by my beautiful wife (and myself.).
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,600
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Hell yeah KIN! That is a huge accomplishment.

And while perhaps, yes, others may have it worse than you did (particularly from where are sitting, in your eyes), there is really no comparing our own travels and travails when it comes to how we have suffered as individuals.

You have struggled in the same ways we all have 'round these parts. One of us! One of us! ;)
 

cj

Moderator: H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Nov 18, 2008
Messages
9,536
Location
On a sinking boat
Congrats! On the contrary seeing people come back with positive updates helps everyone in the community. It reaffirms that it is possible to recover and that people are doing it.
 
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