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Need advice. I am dying. I don't know what to do.

TkkbyZ

TkkbyZ

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2018
Messages
15
Hi,

I am very scared. I used drugs in the past until I was 25. Then I got clean. I don't smoke weed. I live in a state where it's legal. I have done Ex, Acid, Molly, Micro Dots, Coke, Crackling, Weed, and some H. But I am uber clean.

I got sick 4 years ago. I started on lortab, norco. I have been on xanax for 30 years. I have been on Halcion (another benzo) for 15 years. I have been through chemo, radiation therapy and organ rejection treatment. I have surgery every 6 -8 months. I had a stroke last January that scared the hell out of me. Also, it gave me Cubital Tunnel Syndrome in my left and carpal tunnel in my right. I had surgery on my left, but have to wait 20 months for my right.

I was given 10 years to live 2 years ago. I can't tell my family. They would freak. I also can't tell them that I am on Roxy (oxy ir) and gabapentin. That's another 2 prescriptions to the 40 I am on. They are idiots when it comes to pain meds. They think they should be illegal.

I have Palliative Status. I have a Medical Proxy. It's my 1st cousin. She agreed to not say anything. She's a nurse practitioner. That's one of the reasons I picked her.

I have so many questions about so many things. I need help on the Psych side, family side, meds side , attitude side, religious side, really all of them and more. Please if you can assist in any way, I would surely appreciate it. I am on bed rest. I have been for ages. I appreciate everything. I love you all. I look forward to any help, advice, quips, Binge suggestions, whatever you may be able to assist with.

Thank you!

Love you!
Jay B
 
I'm 44 now. My birthday is soon, very soon. I am getting baptized again. (My idea.) I want my very strong family to know that their strength, faith and love means everything to me
 
TkkbyZ said:
I'm 44 now. My birthday is soon, very soon. I am getting baptized again. (My idea.) I want my very strong family to know that their strength, faith and love means everything to me
Click to expand...
My mind is blown. I literally just sent you a message regarding this very subject. Let me know if you can't read my pm to you and I can repost it here.
 
I have no idea what its like to be in your situation other than massive drug use/addiction. I am so sorry.

If your family is judging you for your drug use maybe you should tell them what is really going on. If I was in your shoes I would open up to my family, at the very least get some emotional support.

You haven't talked to a psychiatrist yet? Why not, if I may ask?

Have you tried any guided psychedelic experiences? I lost my fear of death after numerous DMT/ayahuasca experiences. I love LSD but it never gave me the same epiphanies. Not saying that will help you but it might be worth a try. Definitely shifted my perspective on existential questions.
 
I have been under Psychological care. My family are a family of means and status. They don't offer support. I am working on getting their religious backing. But it's tough. If I told who my family is and their net worth. You would see my predicaments. I have been under care of a Psychiatrist since I was 14 and a Neurologist since 16 for seizures that dissapeared after 6 years.

I have never done DMT.

I am looking to be able to keep my house in order. I need to make sure that I never run out of meds because I am under prescribed.
 
(Also this is more information from a post not attached to this string).
Hi,

I am disabled currently. I have been in chronic pain since 2011. I decided not to put that in my information as I wanted to get information on my condition this time around. See I have been in chronic pain since 2011. But this time around was a lot more serious. From 2011 through 2017. I was able to get a job in Consulting (Technology and Finance). I worked from home and was able to manage. It was tough. But 2017 got me.


It started with a CDIFF Infection.

Then, heart, Crohn's,colitis, anal fissures, anal polyps, colon polyps, cancer in colon.

Then Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Anklosing Spondylitis, Degenerative disc disorder leading to a Spondalarthapy. I had a stroke in January of 2019. I had major seizures for weeks. They couldn't put me in a coma, because I wouldn't have woken up.

I received Cubital Tunnel Syndrome in my left hand and Carpal tunnel syndrome in my right from the strokes. I had multiple. They call the small ones micro/mini seizures and strokes. I have to get infusions, chemo, radiation, organ rejection treatment, biologics and treatments. Also I am now on seizure meds.

I just want to let the community know that I suffered my whole life. I am a victim of child abuse from my mother for 10 years ages (2-12). Physically, Verbally, and in other ways by proxy. She beat my head in with a TV and told me to lie to the doctor and say I fell and the TV then fell on me. She is still married to my father and part of our family. My father now knows the extreme conditions his 3 children lived in when he was away working 3 jobs. He does hold it against her. She was abused as a child. She had to have her thyroid removed at the age of 27. It caused her to go mad.

We all have our flaws in family.

I have got my church to receive me on my birthday for a Baptism. I am Lutheran. My whole family and friends will be there. I will be in a wheelchair, or walking with a cane.

I was confirmed both Lutheran and Catholic. I had to as I have Catholic on my mom's and a small part of my dad's, but the bulk of my Dad's family is Lutheran. I decided to follow my father's faith. He's my hero. My pastor will be there. Thank you for the inspiring feedback.

I love you all so much for everything.
Also if you want to discuss treatments,get feedback from all kinds of users and doctors. Discuss your conditions with people who have the same afflictions. Discuss it with researchers, nurses, doctors from around the world. It's a great resource. It is very underused. You will really enjoy it.


Go here to healingwell.com. Best Site for Blue Light minus Drugs. If you need help with medical conditions, this site is awesome.
 
TkkbyZ said:
Hi,

I am very scared. I used drugs in the past until I was 25. Then I got clean. I don't smoke weed. I live in a state where it's legal. I have done Ex, Acid, Molly, Micro Dots, Coke, Crackling, Weed, and some H. But I am uber clean.

I got sick 4 years ago. I started on lortab, norco. I have been on xanax for 30 years. I have been on Halcion (another benzo) for 15 years. I have been through chemo, radiation therapy and organ rejection treatment. I have surgery every 6 -8 months. I had a stroke last January that scared the hell out of me. Also, it gave me Cubital Tunnel Syndrome in my left and carpal tunnel in my right. I had surgery on my left, but have to wait 20 months for my right.

I was given 10 years to live 2 years ago. I can't tell my family. They would freak. I also can't tell them that I am on Roxy (oxy ir) and gabapentin. That's another 2 prescriptions to the 40 I am on. They are idiots when it comes to pain meds. They think they should be illegal.

I have Palliative Status. I have a Medical Proxy. It's my 1st cousin. She agreed to not say anything. She's a nurse practitioner. That's one of the reasons I picked her.

I get 120 Xanax and 90 Halcion and 140 Oxy. Yet they never seem enough .


I have been thinking about Tor and the dark web. Can anyone help? Also, is just orally taking the Oxy the best? I can take 20 at once.

I have so many questions about so many things. I need help on the Psych side, family side, meds side , attitude side, religious side, really all of them and more. Please if you can assist in any way, I would surely appreciate it. I am on bed rest. I have been for ages. I appreciate everything. I love you all. I look forward to any help, advice, quips, Binge suggestions, whatever you may be able to assist with.

Thank you!

Love you!
Jay B
Click to expand...
(From a previous post that might provide more/better insight.)

Hi,

I am disabled currently. I have been in chronic pain since 2011. I decided not to put that in my information as I wanted to get information on my condition this time around. See I have been in chronic pain since 2011. But this time around was a lot more serious. From 2011 through 2017. I was able to get a job in Consulting (Technology and Finance). I worked from home and was able to manage. It was tough. But 2017 got me.


It started with a CDIFF Infection.

Then, heart, Crohn's,colitis, anal fissures, anal polyps, colon polyps, cancer in colon.

Then Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Anklosing Spondylitis, Degenerative disc disorder leading to a Spondalarthapy. I had a stroke in January of 2019. I had major seizures for weeks. They couldn't put me in a coma, because I wouldn't have woken up.

I received Cubital Tunnel Syndrome in my left hand and Carpal tunnel syndrome in my right from the strokes. I had multiple. They call the small ones micro/mini seizures and strokes. I have to get infusions, chemo, radiation, organ rejection treatment, biologics and treatments. Also I am now on seizure meds.

I just want to let the community know that I suffered my whole life. I am a victim of child abuse from my mother for 10 years ages (2-12). Physically, Verbally, and in other ways by proxy. She beat my head in with a TV and told me to lie to the doctor and say I fell and the TV then fell on me. She is still married to my father and part of our family. My father now knows the extreme conditions his 3 children lived in when he was away working 3 jobs. He does hold it against her. She was abused as a child. She had to have her thyroid removed at the age of 27. It caused her to go mad.

We all have our flaws in family.

I have got my church to receive me on my birthday for a Baptism. I am Lutheran. My whole family and friends will be there. I will be in a wheelchair, or walking with a cane.

I was confirmed both Lutheran and Catholic. I had to as I have Catholic on my mom's and a small part of my dad's, but the bulk of my Dad's family is Lutheran. I decided to follow my father's faith. He's my hero. My pastor will be there. Thank you for the inspiring feedback.

I love you all so much for everything.
Also if you want to discuss treatments,get feedback from all kinds of users and doctors. Discuss your conditions with people who have the same afflictions. Discuss it with researchers, nurses, doctors from around the world. It's a great resource. It is very underused. You will really enjoy it.


Go here to healingwell.com. Best Site for Blue Light minus Drugs. If you need help with medical conditions, this site is awesome.
 
@TkkbyZ

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of that man. I can't even imagine.

I'm honestly at a loss for words. I am familiar with a few of those conditions and they're bad enough alone, let alone together with all of that.

I'm going to sleep now, but PM me if you want.
 
Hey, brother/sister.
Quite a lot going on here... not sure where or if to start. Kinda at stumped as I do not deal with loss well at all and loath to even trod this path.
As much as loss is just as present as gain and as much as we have all experience in this I find it the most difficult to be accepting and unattached regarding loss. Maybe I cannot. I have tried and it always finds me in tears just to think about the imminent nature of death. Like... all I used to think of was how the concept of death was man-made and an illusion to break through like most others. Call me crazy but I still feel this way after all.
Personally I have been ready to be free from all this BS going on but cannot knowingly cause grief on those who may GAF so I stick around and play every second of life by ear. Free-styling? Sure. Got "brain damage" going on since way early life and I embrace it.
Where am I going with this?
Not sure but think it may be a question in there....
Uhhhh, is all this grief and/or anxiety symptoms of your own unwillingness to leave or the pain it may cause others?
Please bear with me as I really am just improvising in hopes that a true note may be hit among the thousands off-tune that are just static, ATM.
I wouldn't blame ya for telling me to fuck off... I would actually prefer that as it would afford an easy out. :)
Blind-man-walking
 
I can totally understand not telling your family. I have quite honestly ditched all of my blood relatives in favour of the people who do love me, do look after me and do care. Well, it sounds like your doctor is staging. I am in the UK so things are a little different. Anyone who is listed as palliative can more or less have anything in the candy box for £9.80/month (free if you are too sick to work) but I would certainly like to push your doctor against a wall and point out that you cannot X-ray pain. I might also add that in the UK, strong opioids are given to patients 'in unacceptable distress' i.e. pain doesn't come into it. IF you are so distressed then they should write. I mean - we have diamorphine (medical heroin).
I do not know if you can get to the UK but if you can, I will ensure you see a pain specialist. They are REALISTS. We won't leave you in pain or distress.

I am sure you do not want pity so I will simply offer practical stuff we can do. Getting the most out of the time is key and worrying about scripts is not good.

I do not pray much - but I will tonight. That you get the care you need and the friends who care.
 
TkkbyZ said:
Hi,

I am very scared. I used drugs in the past until I was 25. Then I got clean. I don't smoke weed. I live in a state where it's legal. I have done Ex, Acid, Molly, Micro Dots, Coke, Crackling, Weed, and some H. But I am uber clean.

I got sick 4 years ago. I started on lortab, norco. I have been on xanax for 30 years. I have been on Halcion (another benzo) for 15 years. I have been through chemo, radiation therapy and organ rejection treatment. I have surgery every 6 -8 months. I had a stroke last January that scared the hell out of me. Also, it gave me Cubital Tunnel Syndrome in my left and carpal tunnel in my right. I had surgery on my left, but have to wait 20 months for my right.

I was given 10 years to live 2 years ago. I can't tell my family. They would freak. I also can't tell them that I am on Roxy (oxy ir) and gabapentin. That's another 2 prescriptions to the 40 I am on. They are idiots when it comes to pain meds. They think they should be illegal.

I have Palliative Status. I have a Medical Proxy. It's my 1st cousin. She agreed to not say anything. She's a nurse practitioner. That's one of the reasons I picked her.

I have so many questions about so many things. I need help on the Psych side, family side, meds side , attitude side, religious side, really all of them and more. Please if you can assist in any way, I would surely appreciate it. I am on bed rest. I have been for ages. I appreciate everything. I love you all. I look forward to any help, advice, quips, Binge suggestions, whatever you may be able to assist with.

Thank you!

Love you!
Jay B
Click to expand...

I don't know if this will help you, but all of my life I have struggled with... I wouldn't say religion necessarily, but a higher power or the existence of one. And one thing I learned is that believing and knowing are two very different things. You don't need to know something in order to believe, in other words.
 
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