My wife left me for being a violent junkie. I wanna die.

[Pillsbury_Dope_Boy]

My wife is from South America, from the same town my mother is from. We have known each other since we were 15 and 16 (I'm 27 now). We were always very close. She wad literally a part of me. She would say the same thing if you asked her.

She never did any drugs, and she hated that I became an addict. We started dating seriously when I was 17, and I became a heroin addict at 19.

Last year, while we were living in South America and waiting for her US visa to process, she dumped me, but we would still talk once a week. When she finally got her US visa, we moved to the US together.

In the US, I immediately started using again and got fired from my job. I would also become violent. I never hit her, but I broke down doors with wrenches, pulled knives, cut myself, stabbed walls, etc. (when I was high and when I was in withdrawal).

After the last incident in which I cut myself and stabbed the wall with a kitchen knife, she had the cops called on me, packed her bags, and got on a plane back to her country.

That was almost 4 months ago, and since then she has only spoken to me once. At this point, she basically hates me (and so does her family) and blames me for basically ruining her life.

I have seen pictures of her since she left, and she looks sad and broken. I feel horrible when I see those pictures because I know I did that to her. I basically drove her out of a whole country.

After that happened, I moved back to South America to try and get her back. Since then, I tried to commit suicide, got high on pills and alcohol, etc. I drink and do pills every night just to be able to sleep, then I do more pills to stay asleep all day. If I lost her for good, I'm done. I'm out.

She hasn't blocked me or explicitly told me not to contact her anymore, so that is the only thing that gives me motivation to try and improve. That way if I ever get to see her again, I will be a more respectable person.

I know how pathetic it sounds to get like this over a girl, but it's not just "a girl." She is/was the closest person to me. I can't/won't just live on and accept her being gone (knowing it's my fault). I wish I was dead.

 

[neversickanymore]

Consider this.. like you stated "motivation to try and improve".. so how do you get to improved and where do you see yourself at that point

 

[awesome31311]

It's critical that you analyze yourself before caring about whether she still loves you or not. There will be other issues that will build up from your breakup otherwise. Also this is a repeat post

 

[hotfriesmmm]

Rough, I've also lost loved ones due to my addiction. Some relationships I was never able to repair. For example my relationship with my parents. They died seeing there son as a junkie. I have also lost long time girlfriends due to heroin addiction, alcohol, and benzodiazepine abuse. Are you currently sober now? What worked for me was doing a 9 month treatment program, and working the NA and AA steps. I'll back track for a second, I was in love with a beautiful Egyptian women, we were together for about 5 years. Long story short I basically tried to kill her by strangling her to death while in benzodiazepine and alcohol psychosis. The police got involved I was looking at 8-32 years in prison. Fortunately I was able to fork out the 150k for a team of attorneys, and was able to avoid prison time because of the extensive rehabilitation program I entered into. It is really fucked up the things we put our loved ones through when we are in active addiction. I know you're hurting, that's probably why you were even using heroin in the first place. In my opinion the best thing you can begin to do to begin the repair the damage. Is address your issues first. Get a handle on your addiction, and over time with consistent sobriety and positive patterns of behavior. Show your wife that you are a changed man. For now it might be a good idea to keep a distance from her. Give her the space she deserves and requires. I know this can be very hard and probably will eat you up on the inside. But if our addiction goes untreated we are determined to repeat our actions. Usually they get worse over time if we do not take action. This was my experience. My heart goes out to you, it really does. Best thing you can do is get help. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or you want to talk. I never thought I was going to be able to get sober, I was hopelessly addicted to Benzos and heroin for almost 15 years. IT IS possible to turn your life around and become free of addiction. From my experience if we continue to do the next right thing, life begins to fall back into place. ONE.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You can change and get better. Have you thought about working on yourself through this?

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Why don't you get yourself into rehab, get clean and PROVE how much you love her? I know love doesn't cure addition or we'd all be sober but this sounds like a rock bottom for you. I wish you the best and hang in there, things do get better; you just gotta make the effort first.

 

[Xorkoth]

The only way you can be better for her, and the only way she will ever believe you can be better for her, is to clean up and change your life. That has to happen first, not after you get back together. Even if you were able to convince her to come back to you, it would be foolish to believe things would suddenly change.

Go to rehab, a long in-patient one. Go through the whole process. Get healthy. THEN try to get her back. It's the only way you have a chance at it, IMO. Currently you're still doing the very things that chased her away. You have to fix yourself before you can fix a relationship. She obviously must love you, but love isn't enough when you're stuck in a bad situation, and her love can't fix you, either. Only you can. I think there's a reasonable chance of being able to eventually get back together with her but only if you really and truly clean your life up first.

I'm sorry you're going through this. ❤ But right now you need to pick yourself up and look after yourself.

 

[awesome31311]

Dude, don't be changing yourself just for her, do it for yourself! That is a more sure fire way to get life back on track!

 

[Pillsbury_Dope_Boy]

Rough, I've also lost loved ones due to my addiction. Some relationships I was never able to repair. For example my relationship with my parents. They died seeing there son as a junkie. I have also lost long time girlfriends due to heroin addiction, alcohol, and benzodiazepine abuse. Are you currently sober now? What worked for me was doing a 9 month treatment program, and working the NA and AA steps. I'll back track for a second, I was in love with a beautiful Egyptian women, we were together for about 5 years. Long story short I basically tried to kill her by strangling her to death while in benzodiazepine and alcohol psychosis. The police got involved I was looking at 8-32 years in prison. Fortunately I was able to fork out the 150k for a team of attorneys, and was able to avoid prison time because of the extensive rehabilitation program I entered into. It is really fucked up the things we put our loved ones through when we are in active addiction. I know you're hurting, that's probably why you were even using heroin in the first place. In my opinion the best thing you can begin to do to begin the repair the damage. Is address your issues first. Get a handle on your addiction, and over time with consistent sobriety and positive patterns of behavior. Show your wife that you are a changed man. For now it might be a good idea to keep a distance from her. Give her the space she deserves and requires. I know this can be very hard and probably will eat you up on the inside. But if our addiction goes untreated we are determined to repeat our actions. Usually they get worse over time if we do not take action. This was my experience. My heart goes out to you, it really does. Best thing you can do is get help. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or you want to talk. I never thought I was going to be able to get sober, I was hopelessly addicted to Benzos and heroin for almost 15 years. IT IS possible to turn your life around and become free of addiction. From my experience if we continue to do the next right thing, life begins to fall back into place. ONE.

Thanks for the response.

I am sober from heroin because I am living in a country where I don't have access to it. If I was still in America, I'm not so sure I'd be sober, seeing as I am still doing pills and alcohol. I was actually drunk and on benzos when I wrote my original post (I'm not now). To be honest, I probably would have OD'ed on purpose by now if I was still in America.

As far as treatment, I was sent to a looney bin here in South America after my suicide attempt. There was no therapy or help there, the doctors, nurses and staff all treated me like shit. We were not locked up, and were allowed to go outside and walk around, so after being there for over a month, I ran away. I thought I would have a warrant for my arrest, but they didn't give a fuck.

I am currently seeing a psychiatrist 3 times a week who is very good and knows about all of my issues with addiction and violence. However, going to my appointments is literally the only time I leave home. I literally spend the rest of my time in bed. I have a car, and I have been trying to get my papers to sign up and drive for Uber, but it is a lot of paperwork and errands. It's been months and I've gotten basically nothing done.

I have spoken to my wife once on the phone in the 4 months since she left. In that conversation, she said she was not planning to give me another chance because "it will all be the same" (or something to that effect). I just apologized, told her I understood, and promised to give her time and space.

I want to believe it will all work out if I just do my part and fix myself, but when I look at her pictures on Instagram and Whatsapp, she doesn't seem like the same person anymore. There is a deep sadness but also anger and determination in her face. It is very subtle but since I know her so well I notice it instantly. Seeing the pictures makes me want to cry, because I know I'm the one that did that to her.

Also, we were split up for 6 months last year due to my addiction (although we still talked several times a week) and then she gave me another chance and I fucked it up. I got her a US immigrant visa (which took 2 years) and then literally drove her out of the country with my drug use and vionence. If she stays out of the US and doesn't return, her green card will expire and she will lose her immigrant status, which she will blame on me.

Also, I found out she recently moved back in with her parents, probably because she was sad and depressed after what happened. She is very close with her parents and has a great relationship with them. They are good people, and for 8 years they treated me like I was part of their family. Now they think I'm crazy, violent, and dangerous (although they don't know about the drugs), and just want me away from their daughter. Last year, when my wife got back together with me and moved to the US, she did not tell her parents she was staying with me, and she would "shush" me whenever she was on the phone with them. And that was before I drove her out of the country. After she left, I proceeded to bother her parents to the point where they blocked my number, and I even sent a family member over to their house to ask about my wife (her father got very pissed off when this happened).

Even if she loves me and I manage to turn my life around, she is not the type of person to blatantly do things that her parents would disapprove of. And her father is not the type of man to tolerate guys who are violent towards his daughter. I never hit her or injured her in any way (and I never would), but her father doesn't know that.

Also, I'm 27 and I don't currently work or go to school, so that doesn't make me look too good either. She is 28 and would like to start a family of her own some day (i.e. be with a man who is capable of being a father).

It's as if I got drunk and ran over my own child with a pickup truck. I can't "just get over it" or "just move on and live for myself" or whatever other clichés people might say to me.

In the past, I always thought of myself as a good person who just made a lot of mistakes. However, I realize this is not true. Only a bad man treats his wife (and himself) the way I treated mine. I deserve everything that is coming to me, even if that means death or lifelong suffering. I would always tell my best friend that if I my wife didn't come back to me and I ever found out she was with another man, I would kill her. He would always tell me "Don't be an asshole. If that happens, just kill yourself. If anyone here deserves to die, it's you and not her." And he's not wrong.

Anyway, thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

 

[Mafioso]

It obviously doesn't seem like it right now, but this can become one of the most positive pivitol points in your life. The point that you realized that you have become a toxic person, and that the person you love most doesn't feel safe around you, for admittedly good reasons. Honestly, it is for the best of both of you to end, at least temporarily, until you can take care of the issues that make you unsafe to be around. With enough work and time, you may even find that you are extremely pleasant to be around, or at least similar to past times.

But you have to get control. Sometimes that means letting go of the control you think you have, and allowing the process of recovery to take place.

Things can definitely improve, even if you don't get clean. You can still better your life.

 

[Pillsbury_Dope_Boy]

It obviously doesn't seem like it right now, but this can become one of the most positive pivitol points in your life.

That sounds like some overly optimistic wishful thinking.

"I drunkenly burnt down my house and my whole family was inside. They all died, but at least I can learn from my mistakes and be better in the future."

I literally drove the person I love most OUT OF AN ENTIRE COUNTRY.

Honestly, the only reason I'm still alive is because:

1. I still have hope that I can get her back. If she really never wanted to hear from me again, I would like to think she would explicitly say something like "Please don't contact me anymore. If you do, I will report you for harassment."

2. I am too much of a pussy to kill myself, at least without access to H.

If and when I find out it's truly over for good, I am getting on the next plane back to the US, buying as much dope as I can afford, and doing it all in one shot. Knowing I have this option as a last resort is actually somewhat comforting.

Until then, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try and improve myself. I've got nothing to lose by trying. It's just hard when I just spent a month and a half in a looney bin, followed by a month and a half literally in bed.

 

[Mafioso]

That sounds like some overly optimistic wishful thinking.

To the hopeless, generally anything positive and hopeful sounds so. I am sorry you are struggling, but I assure you that things don't have to be exactly as you believe they will be. There are many possibilities, but often we narrow down our choices to "this or that" type of mentality.

"I drunkenly burnt down my house and my whole family was inside. They all died, but at least I can learn from my mistakes and be better in the future."

That is not what happened, you have a drug problem and anger issues. We aren't talking about resurrecting people from the dead, we are talking about the fact that people can change. It is a proven fact backed by science. Drugs change your brain. Stopping changes your brain. Things can change, your situation is not static unless you choose for it to be.

I'm still alive

That is reason enough to have hope for change, in your circumstance.

I still have hope that I can get her back. If she really never wanted to hear from me again, I would like to think she would explicitly say something like "Please don't contact me anymore. If you do, I will report you for harassment."

I don't think desperate pleading that you will change, especially without any follow up action, is going to really make a difference in the long run. I'd expect your plea would but something like "please take me back, I will change, I wont do those things that caused you to leave". If such a statement were true, then it'd be quite a pivotal moment in your life, would it not?

You have more than just 2 options, even if it doesn't seem like it. Your life may get even worse before it gets any better, for all anyone knows, but if you are putting in an honest effort to improve your life, generally, things start to improve.

 

[Xorkoth]

There is a good chance she does still hope you can change and would take you back if she sees that you have. She may very well have left you as a final desperate attempt to inspire you to change (and also to protect herself). I don't know if that's true, but it seems quite plausible. So you have to ask yourself, is it more important to keep telling yourself it's impossible for you to change, or is it more important to make an honest effort to try? Have you ever tried therapy? What have you tried? There must be some underlying reason why it's gotten so bad, and why you become violent. Have you ever explored that with the help of a professional?

The bottom line is, we create our perceived realities with our internal dialogue and thought process. I notice in your posting that you continually tell us that it's impossible for you to change. If that's what you tell yourself all the time, it'll be your reality. But you can change your thought process, through work, little by little. If you focus on the positives they will slowly become real to you. I was addicted to opiates for 10 years and eventually lost my wife, declared bankruptcy, and actively wished I would die, and fantasized about killing myself, and truly believed I could never get over it and I had ruined my life forever. But I'm better now, I changed my perspective and I changed my life. I had to identify what was hurting me in my life and deal with it, and I had to fill the void with things that made me feel good about myself. And I had to work every day to improve my life. But nothing has ever been more worth it.

 

[Pillsbury_Dope_Boy]

Yes, I am in therapy and I am exploring those things with the help of a professional.

I'm not doing opiates anymore because I don't have accesd to them in the country I'm living. I try not to get drunk and do benzos very often. It's just hard for me to find the motivation to do anything. I sleep all day and stay in bed all day when I'm awake. I don't leave my room except to go to my therapy appointments.

I doubt my wife left me as a "desperate attempt to get me to change." She has done that in the past, but always maintained some kind of contact with me when she was gone. During those times, I would promise her that I would change, I wouldn't do drugs or be violent, etc. etc. She would eventually believe me and take me back, only to be disappointed. That is why this time she won't even talk to me or hear me out. She has heard it all before. She know's it's all just empty words.

 

[Asclepius]

^ Seems like you are making the right decisions atm, you are going through a loss - and feelings, that you probably been avoiding for years, give yourself some kudos go easy with yourself - you can kick yourself up the ass, when you need but just be cognizant that you have been through an emotional ringer and that is exhausting!

Mafiosa made a good point, about 'the control' situation. Of course, you love your wife but this has more to do with letting go of a sense of control and focusing on getting back to yourself - the one person who you keep running away from ( in turn you will push everyone away because of self-loathing) . Seems like you have been trying to hold things together emotionally, with addiction for so long and eventually it spills over ( as you know). Maybe this is an opportunity ( despite the paradoxical nature of this) to get some support for yourself and get yo understand yourself - you cant keep on trying to hold a relationship when your own issues (good/bad and indifferent) are being repressed. You cant even tolerate yourself, let alone deal with another -despite any efforts; when you are at war with yourself and can't tolerate yourself, it is impossible to manage.
This is obviously a really difficult time but focusing solely on getting your wife back is your minds way of trying to avoid your issues; it is avoiding the elephant in the room and that is something you've probably neglected and has been neglected for years, now.
Maybe you need to get to understand this first, everything else will unfold as it is meant to and you will manage, if you focus on what you need to atm but obviously, to let the situation carry on would be foolish, without changing your perspective back on to you - sometimes this is the hardest thing to do, but it is worth it, if it means you aren't going to implode or explode with destruction.

I've been in a relationship like this and tbh, it takes time to heal - we didn't get back together but with time and patience we still are good friends and are very close.
No one can predict the future but focus on what is, now and keep working on your own life - you seem to be the one person who is treating yourself like shit and you need to change that. Wish you the best, man.

 

[Omfgitsher]

You are not too far gone. As long as you look to the future and try to make positive changes and get healthier, there's always a reason to hope. You've got to reckon with the fact that she's gone and that it was your fault, but then you have to lay down the guilt and move on. Don't expect yourself to be perfect, but try to make it so that you can start to be the person who she would want you to be.

 

[Derschieber]

Building a healthy marriage is extremely difficult and requires total commitment. The undertaking is massive and frankly, there is no room for drug abuse at all. It is not possible. It never happens, and will never happen. Not for you or anyone. Ever.
Unless I have misread, you sort of chased her out of the country, and now have followed her into another country?

You are chasing the wind. You know that, right? Move on, get well. Leave her in peace. You can do that, and you will not regret it.