InfectedWithDrugs
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2015
- Messages
- 126
I am not sure if this is the right forum section to post, but if not, then mods - please move to the appropriate section, please.
I don't know what to really consider myself at the moment - a full-time drug addict or a mentally ill person with a history of drug abuse. As a teenager in school and young man college, I only took opiates as prescribed for moderate or severe pain (or codeine for sever cough) and while I did enjoy them, I never got into them and knew not to go that route. I had NO cravings or thoughts of using opiates. 2 years after I graduated from university, while working as a high-paid business analyst, I began having severe back pain problems and mood swings - I started with marijuana, which worked great, but I could not be high or be toking at work. That is why I was prescribed pain-killers indefinitely - I could take them at work and work. I used opiates properly first, but then noticed that they affected my mood and I began abusing them to get happy, which meant having a good buzz/high. At the same time I did not care much for this buzz/high - I just wanted to be happier and in better mood along with pain relief. I was diagnosed with depression, tried several kinds of anti-depressants and each one made mood swings so much worse for me, causing me to cease using these AD's. My opiate abuse resulted in me running out of prescriptions maybe 3-4 times throughout the year, about 10-15 days before refills were due. Of course I went through acute WD's in those cases, but they were never bad enough for me to vomit or experience pins & needles. I did get watery eyes, shakes, anxiety, sweat, hot-cold flashes, etc. In the end this did not end well - it contributed to losing my awesome job and moving-in with my parents, losing my pain doctor, and my family's trust, but it didn't really go as far as losing friends, losing family, losing freedom, etc. It also wasn't the main reason I lost my job. I also NEVER EVER purchased opiates off the street. I used and abused only what was prescribed.
I had and still have real moderate to severe pain, so I continued to use under parents supervision, but even that it was hard to control my intake. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar and medications (lamotrigine) ended up curbing my cravings BIG-time because I was finally feeling happy (more or less). These mood stabilizers also helped my pain and I almost quit them entirely until I had to get 2 surgeries on my back, one of which was spinal laminectomy and fusion due to disc herniation. From that point pain increased and I went back to opiates, which were only helping me greatly reduce pain when in high doses that made nod. Another problem was that common opiates worsened my mood, made me very irritable and made me SO angry if anyone bothered me while I was on them. I also almost destroyed my nose snorting hydromorphone and damaged skin on my legs by shaving upper layer off (until some blood came out) before putting fentanyl patches on it. Then tried Kratom, which made my moods even worse as it made me real hot and agitated, sweating, too energetic. Eventually, my parents could not take it any more and demanded I stop opiates or GTFO of the house. I had to stop because I had no job, could not work due to pain, and had nowhere else to go... I was Mr. Success throughout all of high school and college without any cravings or dependencies, which made me it SO embarrassing for me to end up in that situation, to be labeled "Drug Addict" with all its stigma. You'd think this happens only to some losers who never studied hard, worked hard, or did much of anything in their life OR to people who went through severe mental trauma. I never thought it would happen to ME!
That was also a big mistake because I literally had to be bed-ridden 70% of the day. I tried real hard with walking, exercise, other medicine, but ultimately I needed good pain relief if I were to get a full-time 8hr per day office position. I did not want to go on disability and waste all the potential and all the effort + work I put into education and those years of work experience + skill development. I begged my parents to give me one more chance with Butran (buprenorphine) patches and explained to them how buprenorphine is different from other opiates and how it can be used for both pain and addiction. Butran patches are medically prescribed only for pain though, but it doesn't matter - its the same exact chemical.
I have been on them for a few months now and its been like a miracle! I get great pain relief, my mood does not swing as long as I replace patches every 4 days, my irritability is gone, I have no desire to use other opiates, my relationship with family is 10x better. I still a bit of a sleepy semi-buzz from them, but not the same pleasant full-agonist high. I can get things done without any anger and irritability when someone bothers me. I CAN FINALLY WORK and not chase high or have issues with my family!!! I do not mind being fully dependent on it because as someone with other conditions, I will be dependent on medications for my entire life and coming off some of those medications (non-scheduled ones) is actually harder than coming off opiates.
I just don't know what to think of myself now... Am a drug addict or what? I guess I AM an addict, but if that is true then how is it that I developed addiction ONLY after I began suffering from pain and mood swings. It was only during that time when I was abusing opiates for a high, never before. When I was opiates them completely, I can't even say I felt cravings, but more like I wanted to treat the issues at hand, like pain, RLS, depression, etc. The actual "high" is not that pleasant for me because it numbs me from laughter, sadness, and other feelings I actually enjoy... Buprenorphine does that too, but to a much smaller degree.
I don't know what to really consider myself at the moment - a full-time drug addict or a mentally ill person with a history of drug abuse. As a teenager in school and young man college, I only took opiates as prescribed for moderate or severe pain (or codeine for sever cough) and while I did enjoy them, I never got into them and knew not to go that route. I had NO cravings or thoughts of using opiates. 2 years after I graduated from university, while working as a high-paid business analyst, I began having severe back pain problems and mood swings - I started with marijuana, which worked great, but I could not be high or be toking at work. That is why I was prescribed pain-killers indefinitely - I could take them at work and work. I used opiates properly first, but then noticed that they affected my mood and I began abusing them to get happy, which meant having a good buzz/high. At the same time I did not care much for this buzz/high - I just wanted to be happier and in better mood along with pain relief. I was diagnosed with depression, tried several kinds of anti-depressants and each one made mood swings so much worse for me, causing me to cease using these AD's. My opiate abuse resulted in me running out of prescriptions maybe 3-4 times throughout the year, about 10-15 days before refills were due. Of course I went through acute WD's in those cases, but they were never bad enough for me to vomit or experience pins & needles. I did get watery eyes, shakes, anxiety, sweat, hot-cold flashes, etc. In the end this did not end well - it contributed to losing my awesome job and moving-in with my parents, losing my pain doctor, and my family's trust, but it didn't really go as far as losing friends, losing family, losing freedom, etc. It also wasn't the main reason I lost my job. I also NEVER EVER purchased opiates off the street. I used and abused only what was prescribed.
I had and still have real moderate to severe pain, so I continued to use under parents supervision, but even that it was hard to control my intake. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar and medications (lamotrigine) ended up curbing my cravings BIG-time because I was finally feeling happy (more or less). These mood stabilizers also helped my pain and I almost quit them entirely until I had to get 2 surgeries on my back, one of which was spinal laminectomy and fusion due to disc herniation. From that point pain increased and I went back to opiates, which were only helping me greatly reduce pain when in high doses that made nod. Another problem was that common opiates worsened my mood, made me very irritable and made me SO angry if anyone bothered me while I was on them. I also almost destroyed my nose snorting hydromorphone and damaged skin on my legs by shaving upper layer off (until some blood came out) before putting fentanyl patches on it. Then tried Kratom, which made my moods even worse as it made me real hot and agitated, sweating, too energetic. Eventually, my parents could not take it any more and demanded I stop opiates or GTFO of the house. I had to stop because I had no job, could not work due to pain, and had nowhere else to go... I was Mr. Success throughout all of high school and college without any cravings or dependencies, which made me it SO embarrassing for me to end up in that situation, to be labeled "Drug Addict" with all its stigma. You'd think this happens only to some losers who never studied hard, worked hard, or did much of anything in their life OR to people who went through severe mental trauma. I never thought it would happen to ME!
That was also a big mistake because I literally had to be bed-ridden 70% of the day. I tried real hard with walking, exercise, other medicine, but ultimately I needed good pain relief if I were to get a full-time 8hr per day office position. I did not want to go on disability and waste all the potential and all the effort + work I put into education and those years of work experience + skill development. I begged my parents to give me one more chance with Butran (buprenorphine) patches and explained to them how buprenorphine is different from other opiates and how it can be used for both pain and addiction. Butran patches are medically prescribed only for pain though, but it doesn't matter - its the same exact chemical.
I have been on them for a few months now and its been like a miracle! I get great pain relief, my mood does not swing as long as I replace patches every 4 days, my irritability is gone, I have no desire to use other opiates, my relationship with family is 10x better. I still a bit of a sleepy semi-buzz from them, but not the same pleasant full-agonist high. I can get things done without any anger and irritability when someone bothers me. I CAN FINALLY WORK and not chase high or have issues with my family!!! I do not mind being fully dependent on it because as someone with other conditions, I will be dependent on medications for my entire life and coming off some of those medications (non-scheduled ones) is actually harder than coming off opiates.
I just don't know what to think of myself now... Am a drug addict or what? I guess I AM an addict, but if that is true then how is it that I developed addiction ONLY after I began suffering from pain and mood swings. It was only during that time when I was abusing opiates for a high, never before. When I was opiates them completely, I can't even say I felt cravings, but more like I wanted to treat the issues at hand, like pain, RLS, depression, etc. The actual "high" is not that pleasant for me because it numbs me from laughter, sadness, and other feelings I actually enjoy... Buprenorphine does that too, but to a much smaller degree.
I almost ended up on butrans, and when insurance wouldnt cover it I am on methadone, and its unbelievably potent for my pain! You ever try methadone?