• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

My secret

Hello. Day 9 and i feel like shit. I dont know what happened, i was doing ok. Then yesterday i wanted to use so badly, it was crazy. I even told myself-ok. If i still feel this way in an hour, im going to the pharmacy. Then an hour would go by and i would have to talk myself out of it and tell myself one more hour. It must be thr gaba-im almost out and just taking 1 a day. Or it was just a crappy day. But this morning im in so much pain im not sure this whole no medication thing was such a good idea. But i know it was a good idea- anyway, its 6am and ive been laying in bed for hours, so i figured i would see whats happening on BL this morning-still the only people that know im going through this. I hope you are all sleeping well
thanks for listening
 
^It's a rollercoaster sometimes. The great thing is that you are taking it day by day so you can see that. I loved your post about reaching out to the woman at work. I think we live in an epidemic of isolation and we feel it ourselves but rarely think about how everyone else might be feeling it too. She was probably so happy for that gesture from you and I'm glad it felt good to you, too.

I've been having killer insomnia lately--up at 4am. The other night (day?) I just got up and went outside and made a fire in the outdoor firepit. Now I am kind of hoping I could get into a habit of that it was so peaceful. Great way to start the day.;)
 
Hello
I missed posting yesterday for the first time since I quit the pills. Day 10 sucked. I just had some pretty good days and now it feels like they are over. My physical pain is bad, my emotional pain is bad, and I constantly think about using. I have t had a decent night sleep in days. Night before last I might have gotten 2 hours at best. I'm calling my doctor today to see about an actual gabapentin perscrition. How bad is that drug, is is addictive-as in are there bad withdrawals? Because for everything I can tell, it is.not a narcotic, the side effects aren't as bad as what I was taking, and for some reason they seemed to stabilize my mood, and help wi my pain. If anyone has any experience with it , I'd love to hear it. It's 5am and I've been lying in bed for a couple of hours. I finured I'd get up and post, as I head Into day 11
by the way-as I've been a total bitch lately , I told my husband I went off my meds cold turkey -he never knew I was abusing them, so I'm sure he doesn't think much about it-I think that he just thinks I'm crazy.
Im babbling , so ill sign off. Thanks for listening.
Ps-does anyone here watch hockey?
 
I think it is great that you were able to tell your husband even that. I would be extremely wary of using the gabapentin as many people have dependence problems with that. (See this thread)Right now you are suffering and feeling like you are going crazy but this is temporary--this is the re-set. Remember why you are going through this and hang tight. Have you tried all of the herbal sleep aids like valerian, camomile, lavender essential oils? Melatonin may help; it doesn't work for everyone but its worth a try. Hot baths before bed, totally dark room and no screen light for at least 20 minutes before going to bed are what I have seen recommended.

Try to have some conversations in your head where you allow your feelings and then allow your rational mind to speak. "This isn't easy. It hurts. It's horrible. I can't stand it." (Those are the real feelings.) "I can stand it because it won't go on forever. This is an unavoidable part of a process that I am committed to. Sticking with it now means I will never have to go through it again." (This is allowing your rational mind to support you rather than letting your addictive mind control your thoughts.)

I've been working on dealing with my own relationship to physical pain. Joint pain is a constant. Here is what I am trying: swimming, stretching (especially in the morning) and mindfulness (conscious breathing and separating out each physical sensation and trying to step outside of it and observe its characteristics). The swimming really helps but I can find a way to talk myself out of it almost every day (I don't have time, its too much of a hassle, blah, blah...) but what is really interesting is the mindfulness. I know they are starting to use this in pain clinics so that might be a way to be introduced to the methods.

Hang in there, girl! You are getting stronger with every single hour of resistance.<3
 
Hello. Thanks herbavor-i truly appreciate yourr support.
Day 11-today is much better so far, the last few days have been terrible.
 
Hi there friends
day 12-I have terrible bags under my eyes, but so far, today is a better day. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything at home, even though there are so many things I need to take care of. The best I can do is go to work and function there well. I have no idea why this is. I do have a dentist appointment today, hair and nails, and an appointment with my accountant. Those are all things I had been cancelling, every time those appointments came up. I'll probably feel better after those things get taken care of today. Anyway, I hope you are all having a good day
 
Hello friends
i guess this is looking a little bit like a journal. Im not sure that is what BL is for, but until someone tells me otherwise, i guess i will document my journey of recovery through this thread
so today is day 13, tomorrow i will have 2 weeks clean. I want to hit that mark, so i can tell you that unless someone holds me down and forces pills down my throat, i will not be using today.
I have an extrememly busy weekend-starting from about noon today until 10pm sunday night, my life is really not my own. While this could be a good thing in getting through what would probably be yet another boring, uneventful weekend, it could also be a stressor, as i am not used to being around a lot of people that i dont know well, for an extended period of time. Im sure to be uncomforable. I guess we will see. It will be important for me to go into my weekend with a positive attitude as well.
Anyway-i hope you all ( if anyone reads this anymore :) are having a good day
 
Imtryin said:
Hello friends
i guess this is looking a little bit like a journal. Im not sure that is what BL is for, but until someone tells me otherwise, i guess i will document my journey of recovery through this thread
so today is day 13, tomorrow i will have 2 weeks clean. I want to hit that mark, so i can tell you that unless someone holds me down and forces pills down my throat, i will not be using today.
I have an extrememly busy weekend-starting from about noon today until 10pm sunday night, my life is really not my own. While this could be a good thing in getting through what would probably be yet another boring, uneventful weekend, it could also be a stressor, as i am not used to being around a lot of people that i dont know well, for an extended period of time. Im sure to be uncomforable. I guess we will see. It will be important for me to go into my weekend with a positive attitude as well.
Anyway-i hope you all ( if anyone reads this anymore :) are having a good day
Click to expand...

Lots of people have used their threads this way--part journaling for themselves and part invitation to get support from others. Do what works for you--we are here for that!:)
 
Hello!!
2 weeks today!!
im so glad that all those days I felt like using, that I didnt. The "high" would be long gone by now and I would of have to start all over. I am not going to say that life is any better-as a matter of fact, it is very challenging for me on a daily basis. I have not gained back any energy, I am not eating or sleeping better. I still spend too much time doing nothing.
But it is my start. My system doesn't have a narcotic in it, and no matter how crappy I feel, how frustrated I get, or how much pain I am in-there is NO CHANCE that I am going to die by an overdose. There is NO CHANCE that I am continuing to kill my liver. And right now that has to be enough for me.
I hope you are all having a really good day
 
Two weeks - wow! You said you were going to do it and you did. Congrats. I envy your will power. You are so much stronger than you think. I hope your energy comes back soon, I know that's really important to you. Your family will be deeply appreciate your efforts one day even though they don't know what's going on. Your post and your success will likely inspire someone else one day to push through the bad all in the name of the good that's coming later on. I can't wait to follow this and see it through.
 
I fucking love this community. Truly remarkable. And I have the utmost respect for you OP - the worst part is nearly over, I'll get better from now on. Keep up the good work and have a nice day!
 
Hi there!!
thanks so much for your kind words, they mean more than you think
itts true that energy is important to me because I remember having so much of it -years ago before the drugs really took me down. The first few years my pill addiction didn't kill my energy-I used to go to work, have a great day, come home, cook dinner, and then ran a small business on the side . I don't think I ever watched tv, and I felt that sleep was a huge waste of time
it hard to believe that was who I was, as I am the total opposite today. Energy is the thing I miss the most. I reAlly hope that one day, I will get at least some of that back

anyway, here's to starting week3!!!

have a great day
 
Great job on two weeks! I am on day eight myself after over five years of very heavy opiate abuse. I was living a double life and got on maintenance when l was on the verge of losing it ALL. The struggle is real. Thank you for sharing your story and please know that you are an inspiration to many.
Ruby:)
 
Geez, do I ever commend you "I'm trying". You tried and you succeeded. PLEASE don't turn back. And hey, maybe "the dark side" forum was best for me even though my goal also is to quit. I'm so sick today and I just want to take all the rest of my tapering dose which to me was a ridiculous taper yet then I see you doing it cold turkey. The emotional is bad but the legit pain is just as bad. I just want to cry or curl up into a ball. Sorry this post is awful on a good thread. Did the gabapentin help you? I'm to take 1800 mgs per day and it's doing nothing for my wds. Before I ramble on and make an idiot of myself I again just want to say that I'm so so happy for you and hopefully one day I can be in this forum and not the dark one yet right now with no options to feel better forever I just don't know what to do. This is by far my worst day yet. I truly idolize you though and all else who's beat this vicious "disease". Lots of love to you<3
 
Hello friends
its been a rough 2 days. No energy still. My muscles are so sore, sometimes it just hurts to lay in bed-stAirs just about kill me. Im definitely depressed becasue i really want to use. But i didnt. Today is day 18. I really thought id be better by now. My addiction messes with me so much. I tell myself -" its been so long now, i bet even 10 pills will getvme high ". 18 days ago 30 pills justvkept me " not-sick". Its been so long since i felt that warm, happy feeling. Ive been obsessed with that. Dont know why-but its terribly uncomfortable. Honestly, if i thought i could use every 20 days or so, successfully, i would. But i know i cant. Im at least that smart. So i stumble through each day just waiting for it to end. I mean end as in sleep. My facourite thing to do, apparantly

I really dont want to bring anyone down. Im ok. The greatest thing i am doign right now is staying alive for my daughter. Pills will not rot out my liver and kill me. They will not send me into an opverdose. Nott if i dont take them. Right now i have all the power. And all the choices. The second i swallow a pill, i lose my power and my choice. So i remain clean. Fairly miserable and tired and grumpy. But clean and alive and with hope that in 18 more days , it wont be like this.

Thanks to everyone that issupporting me here-im doing the " not suggested" way of recovery ( on my own, with just you fine folks)
maye ill change that one day ( when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change:). But for now, my fears keep me quiet, in secret, but still, imtryin
 
I'm blown away. I said it before, you have so much will power and you will inspire others. Keep up the good fight. You should be so proud right now.
 
God damn u have a lot of willpower congrats! Believe me i know what ur going through although i don't have a kid to take care of on top of fighting addiction. I think u should tell ur family but its your choice. My mom went through the same thing with the pills I'll admit i was pretty pissed when i found out not because she was an addict but because she never told me especially with my problems with opiates (heroin). Secrets have a way of coming out but its your decision congratulations again stay strong!
 
I wrote back to you about me on my thread but that's irrelevant to what I have to say......I love you as a "friend" without even having to know your real "name" or even ALL about you. What I know is enough, you're a kindhearted, loving and caring woman who beat one of the hardest things there's is to beat and now will "conquer" all. Lots of love to you always and keep up the awesome, spectacular and ultra hard work<3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're an inspiration to me and will undoubtedly also be to many, many others<3
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top