wow, thats quite a burden. swim has been using amphetamine for 29 years and has spent the last 12 "out of the (speed) closet" and sincerely wishing to quit and putting in serious efforts to live recovered. Serious efforts include med management and psychiatric counseling, 4 inpatient rehabs, out patient rehabs, 12- step participation (step work, working with a sponsor, volunteering time, many hundreds of meetings), geographic changes, isolation from community, immersion in community, giving up swim's career, and more. Looking from the outside in, swim thinks bringing that shit to the light will immediately reduce the severity of that grinding depression. Swim also thinks losing that stupid ass job would probably be one of the best possible things for you. Who wouldnt be depressed if they existed solely to earn big bucks in middle management, I mean re-he-he-he-ly, is that how you want to spend the sum of your one shot at life? SWIM's lived those lies and SWIM's tried to stop "cold turkey" rather than seek help that would leave a paper trail resulting in, in, in....well, Telling the GD truth. Do yourself a favor and lose the shame. You have a medically recognized illness with a predicatyble syndrome of common pyschosocial maladaptations to life. SWIM can only guess at the course of your life under your plan for beating addiction but it reminds me of a bet at the horse races. Sounds harsh, SWIM knowS, but its the truth and people like you and SWIM are experts at denying reality and wasting precious time. SWIM'd wish you a miracle if SWIM "believed" but SWIM does not. SWIM does believe in, seeking medical and spiritual help, finding the courage to tell the truth, examining self in a community of like minded individuals, in dropping bullshit facades requiring bull-shit jobs in bullshit consumer economies, in favor living a simple, routine life, free from drug dependence, out of the bed and directly in the lives of those who might still love you and might be willing to forgive all the hurts, just so long as you are sincerely trying to live better today. swim hopes that you are more sucessful than SWIM has been and you don't find yourself, despite so much hard work over 12 years, back on it, AGAIN. SWIM recommends that you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, job be damned. use that insurance to go to detox and 30 days of inpatient rehab. Swim promises, it'll be ok and you'll come out feeling like a million bucks and ready to finally get started on sobriety. The real deal isn"t behind those closed doors. They get you ready to achieve sobriety in the real world. sincerely wishing you to be sober and happy.
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