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My secret

Imtryin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2015
Messages
160
Hello. I'm about to share my secret for the first time ever. After tomorrow, I have no idea what kind of shape I'll be in, will I be able to think clearly? Be able to type or focus? I have no idea because I'm about to go without pills for the first time in almost 10 years.

Im so ashamed and i never thought I'd tell anyone what I've been doing. But I stumbled onto this site, and it cant be a coincidence. I've been using prescription pills for what seems like a lifetime. Like most stories, mine started with a car accident, surgery and one prescription. You won't beleive what I use. Codiene. I use 700mg a day. Each and every day. I never ever miss a day. Imagine what my kidneys and liver look like. I'm probably lucky to be alive

I'm married for 22 years and my husband doesnt know. I am a functioning drug addict. I have a middle management job that I work at 50 hours a week. I rarely miss work, and I am responsible for 100 employees. I have No friends. The second that I get home from work I go to bed. Almost every waking moment that I am not at work I spend in my bed. It didn't always used to be that way-at 300mg a day I had a bit of a life-participated in my daughters life, had a few friends, had a life. But the last 3 years have been a total write off. I don't get high from the codeine anymore. I take it to not be sick. I get about 30 minutes of this "feeling"-in that 30 minutes I feel so good and I'm in a good mood, I'm nice to people, I'm my best "me". But it goes away so fast and then I'm back to the depressed me. I live for that 30 minutes every day, and it is the thing I look forward to. It will be the thing I miss the most

im dying and I can feel it. My life isn't worth living and I'm of no worth to anyone. My family would be better without me and I want the old me back. I'm sure my daughter doesn't even remember that person. My husband tolerates me, but that's becasue I make a lot of money, there Could be no other reason why he stays with me. I dont cook or clean, he does the laundry, gets our daughter to all the places she needs to be , ect,

I haven had any energy for so long, I don't remember what it feels like. I'm exhausted after 10 hours of sleep. I never feel like doing anything other than laying in my bed watching Netflix. If I didn't need my job, I would probably never leave my house. I'm pathetic

i can't go anywhere to get suboxone , or any other drug that could help me to withdraw, as I can not have this addiction go on any record. I would lose my job, and that's not an option for me.

i have no pills left. Tomorrow will be interesting. I know I'm going to be sick. I'm off tomorrow then going to take a sick day Monday. Maybe Tuesday as well. Then I'm off on Wednesday and hopefully I can get through Thursday, Friday and Saturday, because then I'm on vacation for a week-I'm not going anywhere

I have 4 Ativan and 20 gabapentin pills-although I have no idea if they will help me, am I allowed to ask you if they will help me withdraw? Sorry if I broke a rule

i haven't planned this out too well, I know. I bought some vitamins and a treadmill. You probably think I'm an idiot. I do. But I hope you will support me all the same. I can't believe I'm asking you to help me, to be my friend.

I will wake up normal, and my day will be normal, because I don't take my pills until 5pm-but I'm already nervous.

Ok, that's it, that's my secret. I am a drug addict. A codeine addict. And I'm sick and tired of this way of life.
Thanks for listening I hope that you are having a good day
 

ZippedIn08

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 20, 2012
Messages
8
You are definitely in the right spot! There are amazing people here, who will help you through this! I apologize I can't post much right now- gotta get my kid in the bath- but I will say a few things:

1. You are not an idiot! This happens to the best of us!
2. Ativan and Neurontin will help tons! Take the ativan to sleep, you'll want to! The neurontin will help during the day (nights too) with the anxiety and rls. Not sure what mg pills you have, but you can search this site for TONS of suggestions on the doses needed.

Read through this forum- you will find everything you need to get through this!
 
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P.o.T.u.S

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 22, 2014
Messages
389
Location
United States of Addiction
The gabapentin will help with withdrawal and u can use the ativan to help u sleep if u need it...it is goin to be uncomfortable stopping the pills but our mind has a way to make us feel a lot worse than it really is if u think/plan that it is going to be real bad..try and stay calm..u can get thru this.
 

neversickanymore

Moderator: DS
Staff member
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
23,571
Location
babysitting the argument in my head
Hey Imtryin and welcome to BL=D

Congratulations on making the decision to drop the opiates.

Please throw all the guilt and shame<3 out the window of a rocket ship. Its not warranted, does no good, and drives use.

Codeine has a really quick half life. This means that the length of time spent in withdrawal will be pretty short. This is a good thing, but it also means that you will become "sick" quick.

The half life of codeine is right around three hours. This means you should see the light at the end of the withdrawal tunnel within five days.

So in under a week you will start to feel much better.

Here are some medications you can explore to help you through this.

The medications I would explore the use of for detox would be:
>Clonidine< DOSED EVER FOUR HOURS..

one of either
>NEURONTIN< >HERE< >HERE< >here<
OR >Lyrica<
OR >phenibut<

>A BENZO BUT JUST AT NIGHT<
>a nsaid<
>melatonin<
tylenol
Senokot S is a stool softener and laxative. If you do not want the laxative you can go for strait stool softenerDioctyl sodium sulfosuccinate.

(Opi Withdrawal) what is the best comfort meds for opiate w/d?

Your Personal Opiate Withdrawal Arsenal


You got this. Your going to feel a little rough, but thats ok its only temporary and on the other side is freedom=D
 

Imtryin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2015
Messages
160
Hello. I hope you've had a good day. It's been over 24 hours since I've taken my pills. Mostly right now I'm just agitated. I took half a bottle of Imodium, and am going to try to sleep without Ativan, as I don't have many, I want to ration them.
Anyway, just thought I'd stop in. Thanks for listening
 

Imtryin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2015
Messages
160
Thanks for the welcome , I really appreciate it. I can't get a script for the clonidine, but I do have 18 gaba's-I think I take 2 of those a day? Or maybe 4, I can't remember. If you are right and this is just a 5 day adventure-I will be grateful. I'm Already missing that "30" minutes of "high" I get when I first ingest that massive burst of codeine. I'm just Hoping to wake up well enough to make it in to work. I can leave an hour after I get there is necessary-but I really need to show up-I probably didn't plan this out so well-but I'm not sure if o was ever goi g to have another moment of strength to throw those pills out. I'm sure to hate myself soon enough. :)
 

Imtryin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2015
Messages
160
Hello! Well, I guess I'm 2 days clean today. I actually went to work and did pretty well. I took 2 gaba's , 4 Imodium and some vitamins, but that was it. I have so much physical pain that Im not sure how I'm going to do this, but if im really honest with myself-it is probably much more manageable than I have told my doctor and myself. I just don't like pain, and taking 700mg of codeine a day pretty much kept me out of pain. I just got home, and I have no energy to do anything but lay on the couch. I really want to cook dinner for my family-be of some worth to them-
anyway, I was expecting this withdrawl to be much worse, but so far it's not too bad!!
i hope you are having a good day.
Thanks for listening.
 

Imtryin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2015
Messages
160
Hello. Ok im an idiot. I just posted a rambling stupid post and i thought i posted here, on my thread. But, no i posted it on the june recovery thread, how embarrassing. Anyway, i have 3 dAys clean today and today sucks. A lot. I called in sick to work. Im having a horrible day. Sorry
 

neversickanymore

Moderator: DS
Staff member
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
23,571
Location
babysitting the argument in my head
Hang in there your getting close!! Very nice work:D

Nothing left back there for you except to return to the misery you just left and then the same path you have already battled through!!

Couple of days and you will feel much better. A couple of months and you will feel great. In under a year you will feel amazing.

Keep pushing your doing amazing !!!
 

neversickanymore

Moderator: DS
Staff member
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
23,571
Location
babysitting the argument in my head
How are you doing imtrying>succeeding<?

You now getting really close.. Keep it up not much to go. Keep your thoughts positive and be gentle with yourself. Keep it simple and your thoughts in the present. With withdrawal many of us find we have a very elevated emotional response.

Here is the mindfulness thread.

If we let our thoughts slip into the past we can get hit hard with shame, guilt, anger, resentment, regret. If our thoughts jump into the future we can get slammed with anxiety, apprehension, fear, anxiety, self doubt, hopelessness. We need to keep it simple and in the moment.

Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share Something Positive from Your Day vs. It's All Around You
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 4 Infinite Chances in an Amazing World
Daily Personal Affirmations Log Vs IM THE SHIT & NOT a piece a.. not playing me. NOPE

Check in when you can :)
 

Imtryin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2015
Messages
160
Hello. Thank you nsa, for the link to the mindness thread-i have read quite a bit and i am currently watching a video clip that is about relaxing and meditation. My mind never stops, so i have no idea how to meditate!
well, i got through day 3....miserably, i might add.....i can hardly beleive how agitated i am. I have some back and leg pain, but itnis more manageable than i thought. The emotional part i was NOT expecting. I have snapped at too many people today. I had called in to work earlier, but i decided to go in anyway. Physically i could make it, but that was probably not such a great idea. Im glad im off tomorrow. If it is nice out, i am going to go for a walk. Wish me luck.
Thanks for listening
 

guidog

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 26, 2015
Messages
48
Location
Southeast
Hi,
Been reading your posts from your beginning. You write well and obviously you are very intelligent. Neversickanymore is doing a wonderful job supporting you. I took hydrcodone for over twenty years daily and stopped five months ago cold turkey. My family life got better instantly. My cravings are gone, but my demons in my head sometimes tempt me, but we must turn the other cheek every time and stay on track. We are proud of you for what you are doing. It takes time and patience. Patience is bitter, but the fruits are sweet. So hang in there. This forum helped me quit and I was grateful for readings so many good posts. I wish you well.
Sincerely,
g
 

Imtryin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2015
Messages
160
Thank you so much. I appreciate the support more than you know.
Do you attend meetings? If I may ask?
i find here on bl that some of the people on sober living just quit their drug of choice, and Some completely abstain from everything mood and kind altering.
I really like that there is no rule either way, I just wonder what seems to work best for the majority
anyway, thanks again for your support. I'm starting. Out on day 4 today!!
 

love88

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 12, 2014
Messages
125
Location
Nj
Thank you so much. I appreciate the support more than you know.
Do you attend meetings? If I may ask?
i find here on bl that some of the people on sober living just quit their drug of choice, and Some completely abstain from everything mood and kind altering.
I really like that there is no rule either way, I just wonder what seems to work best for the majority
anyway, thanks again for your support. I'm starting. Out on day 4 today!!
Hey imtrying

Jus wanted to say ur doin a GReAT job! U are almost there! I too am a Pain mang patient and am prescribed 120mg of Oxycodone a day. I too quit and am currently dealing with relapses here and there
I started Goin to NA meetings and found that it helped me ALOT. I read ur post, and even tho I'm not married or have a child, I did the same thing... I would jus go to work, then home, then bed. All I looked forward to was taking those pills. I tried quoting before but only bc I was out of money or something. I started Goin to Na one day when I was sooo sick of my life and wondering if there was another way.... I dunno it helped me a lot. The support was amazing and it was awesome to talk to ppl that were in similar situations and emotions....
Teaches u to start to rebuild and take back ur life. Now I'm not perfect, but I have to say that I made more progress in the 3 months in NA then I ever had in 6 to 7 years!!

I wish u the best of luck. Ps take more gaba if u need too. Also If ur stomach is still bad after taking the Imodium, u can take more since ur opiate tolerate. Jus whatever u do u wanna take less n less each day... Not more and more specially after u make it 4 or 5 days

Don't be too hard on urself... Get through wd then worry about cooking dinner and the laundry next week ....
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,922
Location
in a dream
Thank you so much. I appreciate the support more than you know.
Do you attend meetings? If I may ask?
i find here on bl that some of the people on sober living just quit their drug of choice, and Some completely abstain from everything mood and kind altering.
I really like that there is no rule either way, I just wonder what seems to work best for the majority
anyway, thanks again for your support. I'm starting. Out on day 4 today!!
I think whatever works for you is all that matters. It sounds like you have a very deep depression going on underneath that codeine use. You have really taken the first giant step (I know it's a cliche but it is truly is a huge step) in tackling the drug problem that is holding that depression down tight but what do you have lined up for yourself for breaking free of it altogether? Your family probably loves and values you a lot more than you can see right now because you are looking through the lens of how you see yourself--and that is a pretty negative view. Can you look into counseling? Even more than that I would check into some classes or seminars that are intended to help you heal and grow past whatever is feeding this addiction.

In terms of complete sobriety, I don't think anyone can say what works best--only what works best for that person alone. I think you can even take it farther and say that what may work for you at one point in your life may not at another. This can cut both ways. Maybe you get off the codeine and you still drink socially or smoke a little pot and you have your life in balance and things are working out just fine. But then maybe you are going through a hard time and suddenly you find that your use is habitual or even compulsive so you have to be very self-aware and honest with yourself. Then I think it becomes clear. I have so much respect for people that have admitted to themselves that they cannot safely use any substances. I also have tremendous respect for the people that have struggled with addiction but find that after a certain period of time they can use something in moderation. It's a matter of truly being willing to face your own reality at any given time.

That being said, I think you can get a lot of wisdom from abstinence based programs even if you do not plan on being abstinent (or not forever). Conversely, you can also get a lot from less dogmatic programs even if you know yourself well enough to know that abstinence is not what you need. In recovery I think every form of support is helpful.

You are doing great. Keep up your reading and podcasts etc in mindfulness and other techniques to quiet your mind and learn to live with your emotions and change your thoughts about them. That is good for everyone, addiction or no addiction--we are all in this together.<3
 

Someone Who Is Me

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 29, 2014
Messages
141
Location
United States
Toooo drunk to read all of the details of this entire thread, but I'm rooting for you, Imtryin! :) There are much, much worswe secrets you could have. and you do not sound pathetic or like an idiot at all, and I'm guessing that your daughter would not agree with your claim that she is better off without you. Stay strong!! You've got this.
 

simco

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 20, 2014
Messages
2,257
Location
with the dead crow god
hey, OP... I'm super impressed with your progress. You've totally got this!

fwiw, I've been thinking a lot about the issue of total abstinence vs quitting my DOC (heroin). as others have said, i think this issue is completely unique to each individual. here are a few things points that i think are worth thinking of in this context.

1. most addicts don't do well with grey areas. or maybe we do too well with them... we use ambiguity and half-measures to justify anything we really want, including drugs. in that sense, a blanket ban on *all* drugs makes sense. there's no room for confusion or equivocating when abstinence is the goal.

2. i've been keeping a journal during my recovery. (actually it's a spreadsheet b/c i'm a nerd.) i'm going on three months of active attempts to quit. but those months have been interrupted by one relapse after another. i keep track of what drugs i've taken each day (obviously i'm not trying for complete abstinence; i smoke tons of weed and occasionally do stims if they come my way; i guess i've had a couple beers here and there). for me, there is no observable positive correlation between dabbling in other drugs and relapsing. if anything, there may be a slight negative correlation: i've tried for complete abstinence a few times, and each time i've tried that, my mood and strength just fall into the toilet. i mention all this only to say that i think you (and all of us) can answer this question only in the first person.

anyhow, i mostly wanted to chime in with good wishes and good vibes )) ) ) ) ) ) <- those are vibes ;)

keep it up.
-Sim
 

P.o.T.u.S

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 22, 2014
Messages
389
Location
United States of Addiction
Your doing great!!%) after about a week the worse will be over u should start getting better everyday after day 5..when i quit opiates (numerous times) lol i get real emotional too,plus im a very emotional and sensitive person to begin with..you have to be patient with yourself and others at this time.dont hold it against yourself if u maybe get to worked up over things because it will take a bit of time to get your groove back in dealing with emotions since the codiene numb them for so long

My DOC is any kind of opiate..when im opiate free i still use other mind altering substances beacuse i can use them and they dont wreck my life..if i start using opiates its only a matter of time before i will go all out and be messed up 24hrs a day which inevitably will lead me to being broke..i cannot support myself or family while using opiates..i dont think i could stop all drugs and stay sane to be honest.il use coke and MDMA once in a blue moon but mostly just use lyrica a few days a week and smoke a bowl once a day..

ive never been to NA but i went to some "smart recovery" meetings and i liked those because its more rational and i can understand it better than NA..also it has alot to do with self empowerment and i believe addicts need to take back the power that they have given to their DOC to be fully recovered
 

Dresden

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
3,226
I would definitely NOT go to meetings if being found out at work to be a drug addict / alcoholic would mean the instant termination of a great job like the one you have now sounds. Meetings are not as anonymous as is advertised.
 
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