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My plan to avoid excess of cocaine use

mzt

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 20, 2013
Messages
3
Oh yes, how I remember those crazy days now, they seem so far, but so close at the same time, barely a month after.

It's hard, it's a lot of trial and error, and the only real way for me is to quit completely, I can't avoid the addiction, maybe I control it for a while, but at the end you do more than you planned, way more.

Few days after my last message of "I am happy I only bought half gram", I bought another half gram, and then another gram, and then another. Just because got news my wife's going to be working at home later and can't buy anymore in Feb without fear to get caught/asked about all those packages in the mailbox, so let's party a bit before that! It's a circle of stress/addiction/lies and finally the relief of doing some coke and not giving a shit (until you realize you are hiding behind a wall of lies, etc. so there's some interesting psychological reading here, about feeling guilty...) But to summarise, once you use long enough, and such amounts as half gram per day is just addiction.

So, what was I saying? ah, so I bought 2.5 grams of coke from 3 different sources, all of them arrived (that's another thrilling, the wait for the coke to arrive on these days of uncertain postal service), I did half gram the first day and then around 0.7 gram the following day (but most of it from a weak, cheaper coke). I used xanax to go to sleep both days

I took another look at the broken box and realized it can be closed in a second position that is not cracked yet, so that saved me yesterday (3 days in a row using) from doing more than 3 lines. I had a really long, long comedown with craving, I mean, until about 4 hours after closing the box I was angry and fucking anxious, and was this close to breaking it again. I think xanax plays here as well adding a bit to the comedown and cravings. And knowing there is coke in the house makes the brain trigger all the devils, I mean, if there wasn't any coke I am sure I won't feel so anxious, like my brain would know and shrug and that's it... fucking brain!

Plans: Today I feel fine, it's Friday and will have the coke available (well, available without breaking the box again) at 16:30 after work, so fuck this, I'll do some coke tonight, but maybe not, because a feel a bit like I am catching a cold not sure yet. And my wife is quite worried, after that fucking Christmas binge, she worries about my runny nose and thinks I am getting the corona (this helped me to decide to hide the coke in the box again). Maybe I'll skip until tomorrow
Yeah had last bump this morning thinking I was fine for awhile. Then an important employee just told me they put in their 2 week notice. . . So going to get more since my workload just doubled. This sucks.
 

usual-suspect

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
218
Plans: Today I feel fine, it's Friday and will have the coke available (well, available without breaking the box again) at 16:30 after work, so fuck this, I'll do some coke tonight, but maybe not, because a feel a bit like I am catching a cold not sure yet. And my wife is quite worried, after that fucking Christmas binge, she worries about my runny nose and thinks I am getting the corona (this helped me to decide to hide the coke in the box again). Maybe I'll skip until tomorrow

... aaand it's gone.

Of course I started on Friday (why wait??) and about 60% of the coke I had, and had to take half mg xanax and then another half to sleep. Woke up feeling pretty shitty but went out to buy some groceries, and then started another session after a nice lunch, finished it all a while ago, and for some reason I don't understand it has been perfect today, enjoyed every big fat line I did, no anxiety, just a small comedown and some craving that was gone after a shower, no fucking xanax, and now I am absolutely fine and happy. Why? The only reason I can think of is that the coke is finished, and the coke I did today was the last of it.

I can't believe I feel so good. Hey Brain, let's make a deal, let's call it a day with coke. What else can we get from this than what we've got today? Nothing. Let's save us some further disappointing experiences. Well done, let's go home now, let's go and play some songs on that keyboard, let's enjoy life. Also, let's fucking save the wifey some worries, so far we have been lucky enough, right? Let's save everybody some very unpleasant conversations.

I don't want to say it too loud, but I have the feeling that today is the last day I do coke in a long time.
 

usual-suspect

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
218
Yeah had last bump this morning thinking I was fine for awhile. Then an important employee just told me they put in their 2 week notice. . . So going to get more since my workload just doubled. This sucks.

Take a break and feel proud of facing your problems without chemical help
 
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usual-suspect

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
218
i suggest clonazepam or diazepam rather than xanax, xanax + cocaine is a crazy combination and in general does not work as a tool to quit the drug, you need a long acting benzo, something more sedative
I use Alprazolam basically to stop the session and go to bed when things are out of hand and I just can't stop to stupidly doing more lines. It acts fast, and I never got any Euphoria from it, mostly makes me want to go to sleep. Said that, I usually have 0.5 mg and only 3 times had 1 mg, And never do it recreational, only as a way to fight the cocaine greed.

I have a 10 mg Diazepam pill, maybe I'll try it in my next session (whenever that happens)
 

usual-suspect

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
218
Oh well, just fuck me, I bought more dope today, same old story... More than that, because I know I won't be able to buy more in some time, I bought a few grams, because I am a forward thinking man, heyho. I am just like Jeff Bezos, I don't want to regret later. LOL


Dependant maybe not, because I can spend a few days without cocaine with no issues, but addicted, totally yes. I am addicted to this shit. Let's see how I play this when the postman arrives with my package
 

dalpat077

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 14, 2019
Messages
1,163
Sorry. Couldn't resist. Appeared on r/Cocaine! 🤣

Especially funny to me as it has an African flavor! 🤣



Hope you appreciate it i.e. it appeared the other day and I had to search my backside off for it again now to post it here! 🤣
 

jimdron

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 28, 2017
Messages
267
Location
Vienna, Austria-Hungary
On the bright side, I started to do some other stuff to drag my attention away from coke: 3/4 weekly workouts, some piano lessons, and also started to get ready for job interviews.
It is interesting how decision to do drugs motivates good behavior. Of course, it does. On the other hand, you (me)is doing drugs, so maybe not so good. Do not consider (or am hesitant about) this a positive outcome. For sure using drugs (coke) is bad in long-term, maybe (MAYBE) positive in short run.
 

jimdron

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 28, 2017
Messages
267
Location
Vienna, Austria-Hungary
So next weekend I will finish my last gram of coke. The RIGHT thing to do is to not buy more. Have no idea what will happen
I always buy more in such circumstances. Me stopping drugs (or at least coke) should be (I imagine) a hard no. Or more precisely, not that I am stronger than coke, but that it's harm is so much bigger than benefit. Imagine a healthy person - they would not do coke for sure.
 

usual-suspect

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
218
So far my plan has changed: finish what I have this weekend, then get a nice bit of coke to be wisely managed for the incoming months... use the box again, etc. I know it sounds like repeating the same mistake, but I try to face it with a more "active" approach, i.e. adding activities/spaces/whatever to my life and keep those away from coke.. I agree obviously a better thing to do is not doing any harsh/addictive stimulant, in general. And specially not doing it when you positively know it gets out of hand sooner or later. My idea is get more time soaked in other activities so the loss of time become more evident with coke, and at least I no more do such several day long binges that take away from me any will/energy to do any other stuff.

And whatever I do gets me anxiety, i.e. having the box is suffering until the box opens and you have your weekly reward. Buying a bit of coke every week makes me feel anxious and wait for the envelope to arrive, doubting if it will be on time or not, making me go to the market again and buying more because the first order doesn't arrive, and then the two orders arrive at the same time, etc. I think at least with the box thing I know exactly WHEN will be available, and it has to be at least once a week, which is something I can deal with until my addiction level recedes. For me it would be good if I am able to keep a one-day-a-week use for some time, I have no idea if I am fooling myself again, but the idea of zero coke makes me feel too angry yet.
 
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ageingpartyfiend

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 5, 2011
Messages
2,241
fooling yourself over and over again in plain sight and the full knowledge that you're doing it is lurking just behind your delusion

it's painful to read man, the drug is on your mind almost every moment in one way or another, every time you take it you're growing those imprisoning neural pathways

welcome to addiction, it won't 'recede' until you stop - period
 

usual-suspect

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
218
fooling yourself over and over again in plain sight and the full knowledge that you're doing it is lurking just behind your delusion

it's painful to read man, the drug is on your mind almost every moment in one way or another, every time you take it you're growing those imprisoning neural pathways

welcome to addiction, it won't 'recede' until you stop - period
No more questions your honour.

Either I am doing it, or counting the days until I do it again. And when I do it what mostly stops me from going all in is the fear of going so far tha I need to stop it again.

Edit: another stopper is my nose, I hate the runny nose, and I hate more the lost sense of taste. If I see the cocaine ruining my nose and the taste of a nice cheese and a fine red wine, THAT might be a motivation to stop.

It's a great psychological addiction, but with strong physical limits, not sure if that makes sense, but I can't see myself using coke again for 7- 10 days in a row without ending dumping it in the WC.
 
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jimdron

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 28, 2017
Messages
267
Location
Vienna, Austria-Hungary
I am not sure about this statement, so I am interested in responses. The idea of "healthy person would not enjoy coke" statement is that to enjoy coke one should have some kind of deprivation - lack of enjoyment (relaxation?) in "normal" life. Maybe this is my fantasy, but my idea of normal (non-drugged) life is that I am getting enough enjoyment from normal life and taking drugs if I am "normal" individual is too intense and not experienced as "desirable", but more as "strestfull".

Sorry, probably I am too much into *my* psychic "whatever". But here is the nut of this idea - for psychologically healthy person drugs are too intense and experienced as "stress" and not all "nice".
 

jimdron

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 28, 2017
Messages
267
Location
Vienna, Austria-Hungary
fooling yourself over and over again in plain sight and the full knowledge that you're doing it is lurking just behind your delusion

it's painful to read man, the drug is on your mind almost every moment in one way or another, every time you take it you're growing those imprisoning neural pathways

welcome to addiction, it won't 'recede' until you stop - period
Getting into addiction while documenting it here feels more "controlled" than not writing about it. Writing is thinking, it is good to think about what one does. Especially if it is addiction.

Though my working hypothesis is that addiction is over-rated and one should look elsewhere. I repeat that all the time, sorry :).
 

usual-suspect

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
218
Addictions are everywhere.

Cocaine addiction itself is not a joke,, but in my case the whole setup and the habits around are another addictive layer: selection in the dark web, buy, wait for the package, get it, sneak it, choose the moment, choose the food, the wine, the perfect plan, and those few lines I really enjoy until I become a repeating snorting machine trying to escape the comedown. The relapse of the Xanax or diazepam, and go to bed with a mixed feelings of joy, and also hating what you have done. Bye bye until next week, if I am lucky, or if unlucky repeat again the next day (now without planning the food, wine or anything, o ly plan is do coke. In that case the more days in a row the more I hate and hate myself for losing it, and the mire you want to do coke to evade all that frustrating contradictory feelings
 

jimdron

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 28, 2017
Messages
267
Location
Vienna, Austria-Hungary
Addictions are everywhere.

Cocaine addiction itself is not a joke,, but in my case the whole setup and the habits around are another addictive layer: selection in the dark web, buy, wait for the package, get it, sneak it, choose the moment, choose the food, the wine, the perfect plan, and those few lines I really enjoy until I become a repeating snorting machine trying to escape the comedown. The relapse of the Xanax or diazepam, and go to bed with a mixed feelings of joy, and also hating what you have done. Bye bye until next week, if I am lucky, or if unlucky repeat again the next day (now without planning the food, wine or anything, o ly plan is do coke. In that case the more days in a row the more I hate and hate myself for losing it, and the mire you want to do to avoid all that frustrating contradictory feelings
That is exactly what I am going through. Last week was repeating coke "without set-up of wine", this week is only doing it with "wine".

And I am liking coke so, so very much.

I am getting into therapy in a few weeks, waiting for open spot. That is my way out, at least that is my plan.
 

usual-suspect

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
218
That is exactly what I am going through. Last week was repeating coke "without set-up of wine", this week is only doing it with "wine".

And I am liking coke so, so very much.

I am getting into therapy in a few weeks, waiting for open spot. That is my way out, at least that is my plan.
Rightly done.

Getting used to do coke alone at home for the pleasure or it and just me and the coke and go back with the wife to that amazing conversation you will start to hate after 30 minutes (until you do another line) In my case I hope when the fucking covid is gone I can break a bit this circle, travel to see my family back in the motherland, get out, do things and hopefully the coke will be less present then.

I've been off coke one week now, but tomorrow is going to be the day... if I can stay on a once a week use I'll be happy short term. Long term only way is quitting.

Good night (almost 2 am here) and good luck to all the nice addicts out there
 
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