- Oct 20, 2013
Yeah had last bump this morning thinking I was fine for awhile. Then an important employee just told me they put in their 2 week notice. . . So going to get more since my workload just doubled. This sucks.Oh yes, how I remember those crazy days now, they seem so far, but so close at the same time, barely a month after.
It's hard, it's a lot of trial and error, and the only real way for me is to quit completely, I can't avoid the addiction, maybe I control it for a while, but at the end you do more than you planned, way more.
Few days after my last message of "I am happy I only bought half gram", I bought another half gram, and then another gram, and then another. Just because got news my wife's going to be working at home later and can't buy anymore in Feb without fear to get caught/asked about all those packages in the mailbox, so let's party a bit before that! It's a circle of stress/addiction/lies and finally the relief of doing some coke and not giving a shit (until you realize you are hiding behind a wall of lies, etc. so there's some interesting psychological reading here, about feeling guilty...) But to summarise, once you use long enough, and such amounts as half gram per day is just addiction.
So, what was I saying? ah, so I bought 2.5 grams of coke from 3 different sources, all of them arrived (that's another thrilling, the wait for the coke to arrive on these days of uncertain postal service), I did half gram the first day and then around 0.7 gram the following day (but most of it from a weak, cheaper coke). I used xanax to go to sleep both days
I took another look at the broken box and realized it can be closed in a second position that is not cracked yet, so that saved me yesterday (3 days in a row using) from doing more than 3 lines. I had a really long, long comedown with craving, I mean, until about 4 hours after closing the box I was angry and fucking anxious, and was this close to breaking it again. I think xanax plays here as well adding a bit to the comedown and cravings. And knowing there is coke in the house makes the brain trigger all the devils, I mean, if there wasn't any coke I am sure I won't feel so anxious, like my brain would know and shrug and that's it... fucking brain!
Plans: Today I feel fine, it's Friday and will have the coke available (well, available without breaking the box again) at 16:30 after work, so fuck this, I'll do some coke tonight, but maybe not, because a feel a bit like I am catching a cold not sure yet. And my wife is quite worried, after that fucking Christmas binge, she worries about my runny nose and thinks I am getting the corona (this helped me to decide to hide the coke in the box again). Maybe I'll skip until tomorrow