timetohunt
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 23, 2007
- Messages
- 334
For the moment lets forget about all of the typical reasons we eventually realize that we
must quit doing opiates. You know, the whole deal where your life is no longer manageable.
The destruction of family, relationships, money, jail, health. Most of those cover a great percentage
of why it gets time to kick.
Putting those aside, let's pretend nothing really bad has happened to us yet. So lets say indeed you
have been living pleasantly along side of opiates, in my case mainly oxymorphone.
Over the past 18 months of a 7 year dependency, things have changed, while the change was gradual, it could be considered drastic looking at where I am now.
While I don't want to make this post long by providing all of my background, I just want it to be known
that I was the type of opiate user to acquire the following: Lots of energy, ideal focus, confidence, reduced
anxiety and better mobility/pain relief. I was opposite of a nodder, never did that even at large doses (4x20mg opana nasal in one sitting for example). As is fairly common I met opiates for what I thought was legit pain
treatment. All of the other byproducts as noted above (some might say side effects), were exactly what I wanted. I especially reveled in the anxiety relief which allowed me to become more focused in anything I did (except sex, which went by the way side). The pandas became my nasal productivity pills.
Without explaining the entire timeline, here is where I am at now. I sleep way too much and get up for my dose only to wind up back in bed for another 6 hours often making for 13 hours of sleep. This never happened before, neither did daytime nodding, which I do a lot now. I find myself depressed and anxious even with solid doses. This is perhaps the most troubling, and if I don't take as much, my anxiety is off the charts, no sleep. The withdrawals are horrendous. Physically it has also changed. I have to manually help myself to expel the hardened feces that binds me up for my twice a week BM. I am prone to bouts of serotonin syndrome type illness with myoclonic twitches and sometimes puking for stretches lasting over 36 hours. The twitches have remained semi-permanent. This is where I am literally getting sick taking opiates. I get super sick if I don't too of course, and am only doing it to hope I can have a well day (which I do occasionally), and also to not withdrawal. This is what I call my Strung-Out Illness.
I have kicked a couple times recently. As usual, my hand goes back into the jar. I feel great on them for about 3 or 4 days, than it all goes back to what I have written above. Sick and useless. I know I am going to quit and I will succeed. In a way, the problems that I have described are actually helping me (forcing me really), to make the change. Has anyone had an experience similar to this? I know part of it is that my tolerance is not humanly manageable. I just have not heard of anyone that got sick from doing them as opposed to say just "staying well". So again, putting aside most of the typical reasons that people must stop, my major one is that they don't provide anything other than stopping WD, and make me very very not well when doing them. This is a big difference from just a couple years ago.
SIDE NOTE: If I get clean for like 2 months, and use once, I still feel super awful, almost WDing the next day. If I use for more than 3 days in a row, I'm totally hooked and even the length of the WD seems like something coming off years. When I quit, after the WDs, the illness stops. So I know its not another different health issue. My problem that gets me back into it is the anxiety and lethargy that accompany PAWS, and trick myself into thinking a day of relief wont hurt, but it does hurt, and badly. Now I just have to keep reminding myself those issues are way better than the strung-out illness. I will have to divorce this, no way to make it work any longer.
must quit doing opiates. You know, the whole deal where your life is no longer manageable.
The destruction of family, relationships, money, jail, health. Most of those cover a great percentage
of why it gets time to kick.
Putting those aside, let's pretend nothing really bad has happened to us yet. So lets say indeed you
have been living pleasantly along side of opiates, in my case mainly oxymorphone.
Over the past 18 months of a 7 year dependency, things have changed, while the change was gradual, it could be considered drastic looking at where I am now.
While I don't want to make this post long by providing all of my background, I just want it to be known
that I was the type of opiate user to acquire the following: Lots of energy, ideal focus, confidence, reduced
anxiety and better mobility/pain relief. I was opposite of a nodder, never did that even at large doses (4x20mg opana nasal in one sitting for example). As is fairly common I met opiates for what I thought was legit pain
treatment. All of the other byproducts as noted above (some might say side effects), were exactly what I wanted. I especially reveled in the anxiety relief which allowed me to become more focused in anything I did (except sex, which went by the way side). The pandas became my nasal productivity pills.
Without explaining the entire timeline, here is where I am at now. I sleep way too much and get up for my dose only to wind up back in bed for another 6 hours often making for 13 hours of sleep. This never happened before, neither did daytime nodding, which I do a lot now. I find myself depressed and anxious even with solid doses. This is perhaps the most troubling, and if I don't take as much, my anxiety is off the charts, no sleep. The withdrawals are horrendous. Physically it has also changed. I have to manually help myself to expel the hardened feces that binds me up for my twice a week BM. I am prone to bouts of serotonin syndrome type illness with myoclonic twitches and sometimes puking for stretches lasting over 36 hours. The twitches have remained semi-permanent. This is where I am literally getting sick taking opiates. I get super sick if I don't too of course, and am only doing it to hope I can have a well day (which I do occasionally), and also to not withdrawal. This is what I call my Strung-Out Illness.
I have kicked a couple times recently. As usual, my hand goes back into the jar. I feel great on them for about 3 or 4 days, than it all goes back to what I have written above. Sick and useless. I know I am going to quit and I will succeed. In a way, the problems that I have described are actually helping me (forcing me really), to make the change. Has anyone had an experience similar to this? I know part of it is that my tolerance is not humanly manageable. I just have not heard of anyone that got sick from doing them as opposed to say just "staying well". So again, putting aside most of the typical reasons that people must stop, my major one is that they don't provide anything other than stopping WD, and make me very very not well when doing them. This is a big difference from just a couple years ago.
SIDE NOTE: If I get clean for like 2 months, and use once, I still feel super awful, almost WDing the next day. If I use for more than 3 days in a row, I'm totally hooked and even the length of the WD seems like something coming off years. When I quit, after the WDs, the illness stops. So I know its not another different health issue. My problem that gets me back into it is the anxiety and lethargy that accompany PAWS, and trick myself into thinking a day of relief wont hurt, but it does hurt, and badly. Now I just have to keep reminding myself those issues are way better than the strung-out illness. I will have to divorce this, no way to make it work any longer.
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