My Mornings are so Bad and Cannot Get Out of Bed HELP!

[MrsGamp]

MY BED IS HELL

Yet I am practically never out of it.

When I wake up (too early, always) I keep my eyes closed. Heroically closed.
I push the plugs of blu-tac further into my ears. It might be possible to dodge the bullet...but once you've see the time, and it's after 8 am, then you're fully awake, bolt awake, fucking well awake no matter what.

Hopelessly, and knowing it's hopeless, I pretend that it's still possible to enjoy the "little pleasures" of lazing in bed...finding that cooler bit of sheet, turn that pillow,over ...stick a foot out into the cold, just so you can have the "little pleasure" of feeling it warm up again ...but it's all over, that kind of little pleasure... the pleasure is just altogether too little.

Waking self says: we used to have more fun, didn't we? Or at least a little fun. And we used to have things to do, too...

Waking self gets going and reminds me, just in case I've forgotten overnight, that people I've loved are, if not actually dead, just not very interested anymore.

No "accomplishments" for ten years.

No job whatsoever for nearly two years.

My life doesn't have anything approaching the dignity and meaning of a cat's life, or a dog's ...

And then comes this "MY GOD!" thing, the bolts of horror, the "oh God it wasn't meant to be like this but it IS! IT IS LIKE THIS! IT IS! OH GOD! OH MY GOD!

Shock, panic, desolation every single fucking morning - no amount of repetition makes these feelings more tolerable or even more familiar.

And the horror of this bed business is that the worse I feel about being in bed, the harder it is to get the fuck out of bed.

I have to go out to get food and booze and some pills if I am lucky. But I always want to get back into my bedroom as fast as possible despite my quite conscious hatred towards my bed and bedroom.

This appalling determination I've got to stay put in my dismal bed, even though I hate it...

Anti-depressants do nothing. Dex does, but I've just run out.

Is this anything anyone else has, and what can I do? It is insane but I CANNOT HELP IT and soon it will be just too late to start life again, even if I want to....

The only thing that I regularly look forward to - the high point of each day - is knowing that I'll eventually be asleep again. I love the ten minutes or so of falling asleep at night...if only one could be sort of semi asleep like that for longer ...

 

[Branggen]

Very poetic, and relatable.

It seems to me like the worst part comes from the shame of knowing you ought to actually be doing SOMETHING.

I spent a lot of my childhood at home playing video games and have a hard time socializing and meeting new people and ended up somewhere similar, the last 5 years or so I was just doing heroin, coke and sitting at the computer probably 90% of the time. I think you are getting tired of it, I also have had the experience of two completely different thought patterns at night and during day, I think its just the added anxiety your body takes on to keep itself awake/safe if that makes any sense.

In the end, its all okay, I think we all know what we need to do to feel better, it just isn't easy to take those steps, especially the first. Its not all hell

 

[sewerslide.666mg]

like above post said kinda poetic, I can deff relate i have sleeping problems sometimes and my room has had some very dark times, I usually only forum my room for sleep and spin records, I get really depressed is I spend the day in there, I think a lot about my dead ex, I also hate waking up it's like if i don't have something to look forward to it hard, stay strong

 

[Shady's Fox]

Being stuck in a room isn't bad, being stuck in your head is. I think - we all think, that you need to be more creative. If not creative, try to calm down your thoughts because being alone means that you hear your thoughts more frequently -- and so learn to control'em. As far as routine goes, again there's nothing new out there so do your best to get the most outta life, life's a short highway. Don't let it crash onto you. If you have further questions regarding WD, we are here.

 

[MrsGamp]

Thanks

Being stuck in a room isn't bad, being stuck in your head is. I think - we all think, that you need to be more creative. If not creative, try to calm down your thoughts because being alone means that you hear your thoughts more frequently -- and so learn to control'em. As far as routine goes, again there's nothing new out there so do your best to get the most outta life, life's a short highway. Don't let it crash onto you. If you have further questions regarding WD, we are here.

You have a good point! Every now and then in the midst of morning panics, I have occasional moments. Usually I feel so awful, and look so awful too, cos I've been drinking so much since February.
Long story, but due to horror knee injury last August I was on pretty heavy pain meds til Feb. Now it's just aspirin, and I can't even walk at a normal pace, let alone run or "exercise". Swimming - which I used to do- would be great but because of COVID my old swimming place - a heated public pool not 100 metres away - is CLOSED.
Unemployment is a bitch. I could get up for any kind of crappy job, because you can then enjoy the post-work idyll and sleeping in when you can. Ain't no crappy jobs going for people with a gimp, though ...
I'd love to have the discipline to try writing again, but I just don't have any drive anymore.
I know this sounds so self-pitying but I've had to bounce back and be "resilient" so many times, and with so little to show for it, in a way.
To be honest if it wasn't for my 17 year old daughter I'd probably be making plans to kill myself. My daughter doesn't live with me but with her Dad. I hardly ever see her but we do texts and phone calls a lot. She thinks I'm this mysteriously cheerful "philosophical" person who'll live to be at least 100 ...how could I let her down?

Sorry bit drunk and maudlin.

 

[MrsGamp]

Very poetic, and relatable.

It seems to me like the worst part comes from the shame of knowing you ought to actually be doing SOMETHING.

I spent a lot of my childhood at home playing video games and have a hard time socializing and meeting new people and ended up somewhere similar, the last 5 years or so I was just doing heroin, coke and sitting at the computer probably 90% of the time. I think you are getting tired of it, I also have had the experience of two completely different thought patterns at night and during day, I think its just the added anxiety your body takes on to keep itself awake/safe if that makes any sense.

In the end, its all okay, I think we all know what we need to do to feel better, it just isn't easy to take those steps, especially the first. Its not all hell

Yes the SHAME of refusing to live or even try to live is murderous. You feel so gutless.
Also I can't help it, but I am quite religious in my own way- I feel sinful. The sin of sloth.
But it's so hard, I am so tired, and of course I'm boozing and my anti-depressant/anxiety meds are all over the place.

 

[Branggen]

Yes the SHAME of refusing to live or even try to live is murderous. You feel so gutless.
Also I can't help it, but I am quite religious in my own way- I feel sinful. The sin of sloth.
But it's so hard, I am so tired, and of course I'm boozing and my anti-depressant/anxiety meds are all over the place.

Yea im religious in my own way too, I think we need to conceptualize life in order to understand and live within it optimally. And drugs make me pretty unstable for the most part, im even trying to stop smoking pot now, at least stop smoking grams a day.

Are you able to go for walks?

 

[AEMTwithMs]

I understand what you are going through for the most part. I do work, in EMS, where it’s 24 hours on and 48 off and all I want to is be in my room. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in December and it seems like all the symptoms of MS hit me at once. Oh the pain, the having to fake it until you make it so no one knows how bad you really feel. All the fear, the stress, the absolute unknown of the future. I don’t know what I will do if I’m not able to work in EMS that’s all I’m trained in. If I wake up and can’t walk one morning I have nothing to fall back on. Disability pay is a joke and I can not take care of two kids on that. So I did some research and my states Workforce commission has a program that helps train people for new careers. Hopefully I qualify so they will help me go back to school for medical billing and coding since that is something that I can do from home if it ever came down to it. This might be something for you to look in to.

 

[sewerslide.666mg]

bummer idk if this would help or make it worse I know ski mountains take emts and a mountan bike park with a ski lift for bikes the patrol have to have emt background,

 

[AEMTwithMs]

It’s the fact that with MS my immune system attacks my nerves and can cause a lot of issues. Have you seen Selma Blair, the actress, lately? That could be me at any moment and I would have no warning. Also I’m in Texas we don’t have ski lift though I wish we did. That’s something I will have to put on a before I’m in a wheelchair bucket list.

 

[MrsGamp]

God bless you ...
I am lucky in comparison-all I've got is a gimp...
You've made me think.
Thanks.

 

[pah3116]

I gotta be honest, I have to wake up Monday through Friday at 4:30 a.m. and start getting ready for work so I sure as hell understand wishing you could get some more sleep and wanting to cry that I can't.

Of course I have no fucking choice in the matter because if I want to be able to buy the substances I cannot seem to enjoy life without I'm gonna need money, not to mention feed my son and pay bills and all that shit so I do the only real thing I can. I grit my teeth, jump in the shower, and take my butt to work because life's tough and I have no other choice in the matter.

 

[Joey]

I feel very much the same way a lot of days Ms. Gamp. I also have a hell of a time finding the will or motivation to do a whole lot of anything for quite awhile.. until I use some meth anyway and probably some alcohol often times. I do still manage to get up, get out and accomplish some things but I feel like my life in waning as well. Even the dope doesnt work so well anymore. Just feel so fucking tired sometimes..a lot

I dont have much to offer here as to any real advice, except just to try and force it wherever you can. It feels like shit trying to get anything done this way, but when it is it still feels better than having done nothing at all. Huffing and puffing from the small stuff, at least that much is done.

 

[BK38]

I've learned over time that I can only "act" my way out of that mode. Even if it's baby steps like going for a walk, calling an old friend etc. I mean, ofc you're miserable if you look at things objectively, not to get you down. Try to improve your condition every day. Have you looked at that work you can do from home? Something to work toward will help ime.

 

[MrsGamp]

I feel very much the same way a lot of days Ms. Gamp. I also have a hell of a time finding the will or motivation to do a whole lot of anything for quite awhile.. until I use some meth anyway and probably some alcohol often times. I do still manage to get up, get out and accomplish some things but I feel like my life in waning as well. Even the dope doesnt work so well anymore. Just feel so fucking tired sometimes..a lot

I dont have much to offer here as to any real advice, except just to try and force it wherever you can. It feels like shit trying to get anything done this way, but when it is it still feels better than having done nothing at all. Huffing and puffing from the small stuff, at least that much is done.

Thanks...the commiseration is appreciated! I too use stims (illegally acquired Dex) plus booze.

I have just set myself up for a totally shitty 72 hours or so by eating up all my Dex quite unnecessarily. I had enough left to last a couple of days, but I had a little wine to drink and then thought, fuck this,why not take them all at once and get high (as opposed to original plan of sticking to no more than 5 pills a day, which is the minimum required for me to conjure up the remnants of a "personality" and get up and marching like normal people do)

 

[MrsGamp]

p

I feel very much the same way a lot of days Ms. Gamp. I also have a hell of a time finding the will or motivation to do a whole lot of anything for quite awhile.. until I use some meth anyway and probably some alcohol often times. I do still manage to get up, get out and accomplish some things but I feel like my life in waning as well. Even the dope doesnt work so well anymore. Just feel so fucking tired sometimes..a lot

I dont have much to offer here as to any real advice, except just to try and force it wherever you can. It feels like shit trying to get anything done this way, but when it is it still feels better than having done nothing at all. Huffing and puffing from the small stuff, at least that much is done.

ps and I'm not even feeling high..

 

[Joey]

p

ps and I'm not even feeling high..

Me either, barely. Been using daily for months, it barely even touches me anymore, at least in any positive way. Side effects are rampant and Ive more than flattened the curve on any upside. Have some decent moments if I can find my head for it, but Im on a downward trajectory now.

 

[MrsGamp]

I've learned over time that I can only "act" my way out of that mode. Even if it's baby steps like going for a walk, calling an old friend etc. I mean, ofc you're miserable if you look at things objectively, not to get you down. Try to improve your condition every day. Have you looked at that work you can do from home? Something to work toward will help ime.

I need a good long sober period in order to get back to that place where "acting my way out of it" or "making it by faking it" is possible.
for of course it is the lot of human beings to feel lousy, and there's not a person alive who's got no experience of muddling through without chemical help...by which I mean everyone has been a child (even those who acquired addictions when very young)...even the most "hopeless" addicts have done it straight at one stage...
The thing about inebriation, whatever your DOC might be, is that you get unused to feeling "just normal" - you end up with 2 settings, feeling fucking marvellous, and feeling fucking dreadful. At least that is how it is for me....and the "dreadful", up to a point, seems worth enduring for the sake of the "marvellous".
besides, the "dreadful" bits of addiction are familiar, and you've chosen them, which makes them less spooky than the demands sobriety makes. In sober life, you accept that you're not calling all the shots and you are accustomed to coping with both banal obligations plus surprise difficulties....
but in addicted living, you always know how you are going to feel. And (in my case anyway)
you develop this entitled attitude about moods: you feel quite righteous about refusing to endure even a single day of boredom/unpleasantness, refusing to endure a single chore or obligation unless you are high...
it's really depressing. right now I feel both "spoiled" (as in "spoiled child) and sick and to-be-pitied...☹

 

[neversickanymore]

Get the fuck outa bed gamp and do something with yourself.. What the hell is desirable to an intelligent being like yourself at sitting in bed?

 

[MrsGamp]

Nothing about it is desirable...