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Recovery My cliché recovery journal

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
4,141
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Greatest city on Earth
Chinup i dont mean your mouth dirty all mouths have germs i meant that not your mouth dirty

don't worry i know what you meant and didn't take offense!! urgh feel like i've been beaten up in the mouth and am so hungry cos i'm not allowed solid food yet.

good luck today rio. i really hope that whatever the outcome, you can turn it into a positive for yourself. you are resourceful so i'm sure you can find one, but please if it goes badly don't use it as an excuse to score. your addiction will feed off shit like that but its just not worth it.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
Let us know how it went at work Rio best of luck they can't prove u was on anything just say you had a funny turn and felt ill .
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
Rio hows it going mate . You may feel at this point that things have gone to shit but it can and does get better mate . We all fuck up but that's life bruv but pick yourself up your ex will carry on you can't dwell on the loss you a young man don't waste your youth.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Hey guys, quick update.

Still don't know about my job. In the meeting they only mentioned the vaping, not the suspected intoxication which makes me think the shift manager only passed that bit to the general manager, thankfully. The meeting was about half an hour and he said a couple things that make me optimistic like at the end he said "I can see that you regret this and won't do it again", but I don't know for definite till I hear back. It would be harsh to fire me now just as furlough starts and a month from Christmas, but I'll see.

I am meeting my now ex girlfriend this week - she wants to stay friends, and for the first time ever with an ex I actually want that too. I lied to her a lot and borrowed money off her (I have told her now what it was really for) so I doubt she will ever want to be in a relationship again, but I just feel lucky she even wants to be in touch with me at all. When we first got together I warned her that if I relapsed I would fuck up her life - telling her basically all that ended up happening like I'd start lying, borrowing money, being evasive etc but obviously after that she developed faith in me which I abused. I firmly believe most other normal girls could run a mile and not want to talk to me at all, but she still cares about me so she wants to meet me and at my insistence we are going to talk about everything that happened. I want to communicate to her that this didn't mean I didn't care about her or that I was lying about my feelings for her or that she wasn't good enough - any suggestions for how to get that across? I think at the moment she thinks that I relapsed because she wasn't enough for me or that I just set out to use her, and that really isn't true.

Trying to put shit back together. What's terrifying me is I have vivid memories of last Christmas/New Years Eve when I had a few weeks sober, and since in 2020 I've only managed a couple stretches of sobriety lasting a month and 6 weeks, most of this year has been a blur. Last New Years Eve feels like a month ago. I was so full of hope & optimism, and it feels like groundhog day. Time goes at a normal pace when i'm sober, but just dissolves into nothing when I'm getting high. I'm 28 in January and have lost the last 8 years to heroin and I when I get clean I still feel like that 19-20 year old I was just before all this. I am thinking about rehab in 2021, as @chinup has been suggesting. I would be willing to go anywhere but the Christian places I've heard about that call themselves rehabs but are basically just fronts to get free labour - my friend went to one and just spent 3 months building a church without any kind of medication or therapy or even groups. As long as the rehab that would be willing to take me isn't like that, then I'd be willing to go.

This lapse has put into perspective how much I'm holding myself back. I get a couple months clean and I'm doing a TEFL course, getting fit, eating healthy, looking better, I get a girlfriend, my social life comes back and everything goes great. I relapse, and one by one all of those are dropped, and the only constant is the drugs. It's literally a choice between everything I value or drugs, and I need to start picking the right side. However, it's easy to say this now, the hard part comes when that craving hits and there's a huge voice screaming in my head that nothing else matters and to fuck everything and just get high, when my heart starts racing and I start sweating and nothing can take my mind off it. That's when it gets hard, and I find it difficult to plan for those moments.

How are you guys @chinup and @yubacity ? Hows your daughter yuba? I read that you had been dabbling in drugs and I just wanted to say please be careful. You don't want to end up back on H. It seems you can use some things like pregablin and be alright, but be really careful with the coke. We've all planned to only use coke and then had a comedown lead us right back to heroin - comedowns are a very powerful distortion of our rational minds, and I know for me unless I have enough benzos to knock me out then I am guaranteed to get H if there's any possible way as soon as a coke or (god forbid) a crack comedown hits.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Also @chinup I'm really glad you've stopped using heroin. I know you said you're drinking, but if you get into the mentality that you're doing this to phase out substances altogether and have a plan to get sober again then I think it would be a lot better than just doing it because and having it be a stepping stone back to heroin. Have you tried trying to limit your drinking or coming up with a plan for stopping? Personally when I drink there's like at least a 50% chance the alcohol itself will make me relapse, so you're obviously doing better with it than I would. Don't let it get so out of hand that you correctly realize that you might as well be doing heroin though!
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
Hey guys, quick update.

Still don't know about my job. In the meeting they only mentioned the vaping, not the suspected intoxication which makes me think the shift manager only passed that bit to the general manager, thankfully. The meeting was about half an hour and he said a couple things that make me optimistic like at the end he said "I can see that you regret this and won't do it again", but I don't know for definite till I hear back. It would be harsh to fire me now just as furlough starts and a month from Christmas, but I'll see.

I am meeting my now ex girlfriend this week - she wants to stay friends, and for the first time ever with an ex I actually want that too. I lied to her a lot and borrowed money off her (I have told her now what it was really for) so I doubt she will ever want to be in a relationship again, but I just feel lucky she even wants to be in touch with me at all. When we first got together I warned her that if I relapsed I would fuck up her life - telling her basically all that ended up happening like I'd start lying, borrowing money, being evasive etc but obviously after that she developed faith in me which I abused. I firmly believe most other normal girls could run a mile and not want to talk to me at all, but she still cares about me so she wants to meet me and at my insistence we are going to talk about everything that happened. I want to communicate to her that this didn't mean I didn't care about her or that I was lying about my feelings for her or that she wasn't good enough - any suggestions for how to get that across? I think at the moment she thinks that I relapsed because she wasn't enough for me or that I just set out to use her, and that really isn't true.

Trying to put shit back together. What's terrifying me is I have vivid memories of last Christmas/New Years Eve when I had a few weeks sober, and since in 2020 I've only managed a couple stretches of sobriety lasting a month and 6 weeks, most of this year has been a blur. Last New Years Eve feels like a month ago. I was so full of hope & optimism, and it feels like groundhog day. Time goes at a normal pace when i'm sober, but just dissolves into nothing when I'm getting high. I'm 28 in January and have lost the last 8 years to heroin and I when I get clean I still feel like that 19-20 year old I was just before all this. I am thinking about rehab in 2021, as @chinup has been suggesting. I would be willing to go anywhere but the Christian places I've heard about that call themselves rehabs but are basically just fronts to get free labour - my friend went to one and just spent 3 months building a church without any kind of medication or therapy or even groups. As long as the rehab that would be willing to take me isn't like that, then I'd be willing to go.

This lapse has put into perspective how much I'm holding myself back. I get a couple months clean and I'm doing a TEFL course, getting fit, eating healthy, looking better, I get a girlfriend, my social life comes back and everything goes great. I relapse, and one by one all of those are dropped, and the only constant is the drugs. It's literally a choice between everything I value or drugs, and I need to start picking the right side. However, it's easy to say this now, the hard part comes when that craving hits and there's a huge voice screaming in my head that nothing else matters and to fuck everything and just get high, when my heart starts racing and I start sweating and nothing can take my mind off it. That's when it gets hard, and I find it difficult to plan for those moments.

How are you guys @chinup and @yubacity ? Hows your daughter yuba? I read that you had been dabbling in drugs and I just wanted to say please be careful. You don't want to end up back on H. It seems you can use some things like pregablin and be alright, but be really careful with the coke. We've all planned to only use coke and then had a comedown lead us right back to heroin - comedowns are a very powerful distortion of our rational minds, and I know for me unless I have enough benzos to knock me out then I am guaranteed to get H if there's any possible way as soon as a coke or (god forbid) a crack comedown hits.
Good to hear from you Rio and it looks like touchwood you kept your job which is really good. Also, your ex-girlfriend wanting to be friends with you means she a good-hearted girl woman. I'm sure she has checked on the net what we addicts are like if I was you bruv be totally honest let her know why you relapsed. It's no use lying I find now with my addiction that being honest is so much easier than the web of lies the other person knows you lying then that just pisses them off for being taken for a mug. I cant advise you on how to remain friends with an ex because i would just want to have sex with them. If like it seems you really do like her for the person she is be prepared that it might only remain that a friendship if you go into in that mind frame then you won't be headfucked.

You are a very smart person Rio and a young man at only 28 I will advise you like I would my son. In a world where manual labor will be replaced by a machine be something if you academically minded then take that route. if you more towards the hands-on side then get a trade-in something that interests you, Don't look at the money side which very important but if you not 100 percent into it you got 50 years of work ahead of you before you retire. But don't just be like me kicked out of three schools and no high school diploma i was looking at a life of driving a lorry if i did not get lucky pure fucking luck .

That voice that screams at you will die down I know how fucking hard it is to resist but like I always say to you your legs do the walking to get the gear your brain is a spongy thing it cant walk anywhere to get the gear do some exercise sweat it out. Having your legs wrapped around a woman in your nice flat full fridge on a cold winters morning much better than sitting in a mates flat doing your shit that only brings temporary relief you can do it bruv. On my kid's bruv I believe you can have a good life and a girlfriend and a career I not just saying it. But brother please believe when I say that youth is very short you can waste years in an addiction standing still middle age not far away nothing has been destroyed if you sort yourself out in ten years you be settled into your career looking back at this blip in the road you had 8 years of heavy addiction don't be me with nearly 3 decades. It hurts so bad I spent the years when me and my wife should have been on holidays proper ones not only ones where i could get gear I want those years back to share with my wife I really really really want them back but the cunting thing is I won't get them back and I won't be able to rewind life is such.

My wife and baby girl are here she such a cutie her giggle melts my heart. Unfortunately, I addicted to pregabs but have shitloads so my wife helping me with a taper again but before she arrived I played a game of having a blast every few days but the worse thing I would come home and level me out have poppy pods I could feel myself getting minor wd but i am taking over 4 or 5 thousand mg of pregabalin a day so they not do shit after blast poppy pods it was . I admitted it to wife so she let me use the pregabs to help with opium wd they helped but I still felt like I had a bad cold and that fucking sweat that I fucking hate but the pregabs kept the anxiety away totally and that the worse thing really im on day 5 poppy pod free my legs feel like stone and I finally ate today during wd I don't eat but crave limes I cut them up salt pepper and some chat masala and take them it weird I get it every wd from H or pods it last 3 to 4 days no lie I must have had 30 to 40 limes during wd and then it stops. I did not cheat on wife while I was alone here which achievement I been such a cunt to her but she the only woman I will be putting my cock in from now on. Am i taking this relapse badly fuck no I blame crack I did not do pods for opium high I did it to help me sleep and because I had loads of pregabs I had a medicine that stops anxiety I was not scared of wd but it felt harder than it normally did with pregabalin . But my dear wife what keeps her here i must be such a disappointment for her this educated beautiful women stuck with me but it feel differant now i see how cheating a betrayal to her i feel guilty about it for the first time look bruv my timeframe for when you can do coke remember you asked me is probably never it all end to the product of the poppy plant. As hard as it is to look at it that way i think that the case. My brother you can do it I must change my girl's diaper only the 4th or 5th diaper I have ever changed in my life and I have 4 kids but I want to be hands-on this time around but it a messy deal which my wife will correct after I finish but a nice clean baby shampoo smelling baby will have me make her giggle. My wife self isolating because she fly in she being a good citizen so i will have to go to the Tesco extra to do shop with my pal normal life it not as exciting as life as a drug addict but feels good when i know i coming back to my wife and my babaloo which is my nickname for my baby girl . We all slip bruv but the longer spaced the slip the easier it is but im hoping this my last
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
Hey guys, quick update.

Still don't know about my job. In the meeting they only mentioned the vaping, not the suspected intoxication which makes me think the shift manager only passed that bit to the general manager, thankfully. The meeting was about half an hour and he said a couple things that make me optimistic like at the end he said "I can see that you regret this and won't do it again", but I don't know for definite till I hear back. It would be harsh to fire me now just as furlough starts and a month from Christmas, but I'll see.

I am meeting my now ex girlfriend this week - she wants to stay friends, and for the first time ever with an ex I actually want that too. I lied to her a lot and borrowed money off her (I have told her now what it was really for) so I doubt she will ever want to be in a relationship again, but I just feel lucky she even wants to be in touch with me at all. When we first got together I warned her that if I relapsed I would fuck up her life - telling her basically all that ended up happening like I'd start lying, borrowing money, being evasive etc but obviously after that she developed faith in me which I abused. I firmly believe most other normal girls could run a mile and not want to talk to me at all, but she still cares about me so she wants to meet me and at my insistence we are going to talk about everything that happened. I want to communicate to her that this didn't mean I didn't care about her or that I was lying about my feelings for her or that she wasn't good enough - any suggestions for how to get that across? I think at the moment she thinks that I relapsed because she wasn't enough for me or that I just set out to use her, and that really isn't true.

Trying to put shit back together. What's terrifying me is I have vivid memories of last Christmas/New Years Eve when I had a few weeks sober, and since in 2020 I've only managed a couple stretches of sobriety lasting a month and 6 weeks, most of this year has been a blur. Last New Years Eve feels like a month ago. I was so full of hope & optimism, and it feels like groundhog day. Time goes at a normal pace when i'm sober, but just dissolves into nothing when I'm getting high. I'm 28 in January and have lost the last 8 years to heroin and I when I get clean I still feel like that 19-20 year old I was just before all this. I am thinking about rehab in 2021, as @chinup has been suggesting. I would be willing to go anywhere but the Christian places I've heard about that call themselves rehabs but are basically just fronts to get free labour - my friend went to one and just spent 3 months building a church without any kind of medication or therapy or even groups. As long as the rehab that would be willing to take me isn't like that, then I'd be willing to go.

This lapse has put into perspective how much I'm holding myself back. I get a couple months clean and I'm doing a TEFL course, getting fit, eating healthy, looking better, I get a girlfriend, my social life comes back and everything goes great. I relapse, and one by one all of those are dropped, and the only constant is the drugs. It's literally a choice between everything I value or drugs, and I need to start picking the right side. However, it's easy to say this now, the hard part comes when that craving hits and there's a huge voice screaming in my head that nothing else matters and to fuck everything and just get high, when my heart starts racing and I start sweating and nothing can take my mind off it. That's when it gets hard, and I find it difficult to plan for those moments.

How are you guys @chinup and @yubacity ? Hows your daughter yuba? I read that you had been dabbling in drugs and I just wanted to say please be careful. You don't want to end up back on H. It seems you can use some things like pregablin and be alright, but be really careful with the coke. We've all planned to only use coke and then had a comedown lead us right back to heroin - comedowns are a very powerful distortion of our rational minds, and I know for me unless I have enough benzos to knock me out then I am guaranteed to get H if there's any possible way as soon as a coke or (god forbid) a crack comedown hits.
My brother it always leads back to heroin or pods to get clean we have to mean proper clean not dabble here dabble there for some all roads lead to god for us its heroin
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
Got to say this rio be sure you would be happy just being friends with your ex you two might start as a couple again but be prepared mentally to just be friends
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
4,141
Location
Greatest city on Earth
yo rio glad you're doing ok, all things considered.

i am on my second night of not drinking and also trying to cut down on the codeine habit i seem to have developed so in a foul fucking mood, and people are being idiots about covid in EADD which does not help. i will reply properly tomorrow.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Good to hear from you Rio and it looks like touchwood you kept your job which is really good. Also, your ex-girlfriend wanting to be friends with you means she a good-hearted girl woman. I'm sure she has checked on the net what we addicts are like if I was you bruv be totally honest let her know why you relapsed. It's no use lying I find now with my addiction that being honest is so much easier than the web of lies the other person knows you lying then that just pisses them off for being taken for a mug. I cant advise you on how to remain friends with an ex because i would just want to have sex with them. If like it seems you really do like her for the person she is be prepared that it might only remain that a friendship if you go into in that mind frame then you won't be headfucked.

You are a very smart person Rio and a young man at only 28 I will advise you like I would my son. In a world where manual labor will be replaced by a machine be something if you academically minded then take that route. if you more towards the hands-on side then get a trade-in something that interests you, Don't look at the money side which very important but if you not 100 percent into it you got 50 years of work ahead of you before you retire. But don't just be like me kicked out of three schools and no high school diploma i was looking at a life of driving a lorry if i did not get lucky pure fucking luck .

That voice that screams at you will die down I know how fucking hard it is to resist but like I always say to you your legs do the walking to get the gear your brain is a spongy thing it cant walk anywhere to get the gear do some exercise sweat it out. Having your legs wrapped around a woman in your nice flat full fridge on a cold winters morning much better than sitting in a mates flat doing your shit that only brings temporary relief you can do it bruv. On my kid's bruv I believe you can have a good life and a girlfriend and a career I not just saying it. But brother please believe when I say that youth is very short you can waste years in an addiction standing still middle age not far away nothing has been destroyed if you sort yourself out in ten years you be settled into your career looking back at this blip in the road you had 8 years of heavy addiction don't be me with nearly 3 decades. It hurts so bad I spent the years when me and my wife should have been on holidays proper ones not only ones where i could get gear I want those years back to share with my wife I really really really want them back but the cunting thing is I won't get them back and I won't be able to rewind life is such.

My wife and baby girl are here she such a cutie her giggle melts my heart. Unfortunately, I addicted to pregabs but have shitloads so my wife helping me with a taper again but before she arrived I played a game of having a blast every few days but the worse thing I would come home and level me out have poppy pods I could feel myself getting minor wd but i am taking over 4 or 5 thousand mg of pregabalin a day so they not do shit after blast poppy pods it was . I admitted it to wife so she let me use the pregabs to help with opium wd they helped but I still felt like I had a bad cold and that fucking sweat that I fucking hate but the pregabs kept the anxiety away totally and that the worse thing really im on day 5 poppy pod free my legs feel like stone and I finally ate today during wd I don't eat but crave limes I cut them up salt pepper and some chat masala and take them it weird I get it every wd from H or pods it last 3 to 4 days no lie I must have had 30 to 40 limes during wd and then it stops. I did not cheat on wife while I was alone here which achievement I been such a cunt to her but she the only woman I will be putting my cock in from now on. Am i taking this relapse badly fuck no I blame crack I did not do pods for opium high I did it to help me sleep and because I had loads of pregabs I had a medicine that stops anxiety I was not scared of wd but it felt harder than it normally did with pregabalin . But my dear wife what keeps her here i must be such a disappointment for her this educated beautiful women stuck with me but it feel differant now i see how cheating a betrayal to her i feel guilty about it for the first time look bruv my timeframe for when you can do coke remember you asked me is probably never it all end to the product of the poppy plant. As hard as it is to look at it that way i think that the case. My brother you can do it I must change my girl's diaper only the 4th or 5th diaper I have ever changed in my life and I have 4 kids but I want to be hands-on this time around but it a messy deal which my wife will correct after I finish but a nice clean baby shampoo smelling baby will have me make her giggle. My wife self isolating because she fly in she being a good citizen so i will have to go to the Tesco extra to do shop with my pal normal life it not as exciting as life as a drug addict but feels good when i know i coming back to my wife and my babaloo which is my nickname for my baby girl . We all slip bruv but the longer spaced the slip the easier it is but im hoping this my last

I took your advice and had a 2 and a half hour conversation with my ex yesterday. Explained everything to her and she gave her side - turns out that until I explained she thought that because I used it meant I didn't care about her & that EVERYTHING I'd said to her was a lie, but thankfully after I explained as best I could she is starting to see that me relapsing isn't any reflection on her or how I feel about her. Not gonna lie, of course I want to get back with her and sleep with her, but I used to be in the same position as you - I'd never had any interest at all in being friends with an ex, literally ever, but I've never got on with anyone as well as I get on with this girl, so even if it becomes clear we could never be anything but friends going forward I'd want to preserve that. She seems to feel the same way - I suspect she's still into me but just can't trust me, so I'm hoping with time & honesty maybe she will trust me again and we could give it another try, but I'm prepared for the fact that may not happen.

I'm dyspraxic which means my co-ordination is terrible, so I am DEFINITELY more academically minded than hands-on practical work. And mate you may have not finished a degree or whatever but look at you now!! I bet you're more successful than 90% of uni graduates, especially the ones who believed the lie that uni = a good career.

The years passing thing is fucking crazy bro. I remember like it was last week last New Years Eve, it's terrifying. Years gone in a blur with fuck all to show for it but scars up and down my arms, its fucking depressing.

Congrats on day 5 man! Have you considered in the future taking time off everything including pregabs? They seem to be becoming a problem for you mate.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
yo rio glad you're doing ok, all things considered.

i am on my second night of not drinking and also trying to cut down on the codeine habit i seem to have developed so in a foul fucking mood, and people are being idiots about covid in EADD which does not help. i will reply properly tomorrow.

Don't worry about the brief reply, I know the feeling. Good to hear from you and I'm really glad you managed to not drink for 2 nights!
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Got to say this rio be sure you would be happy just being friends with your ex you two might start as a couple again but be prepared mentally to just be friends

That's exactly it! I'm trying not to hope too much, and I'm sure that if she does just want to be friends I'll be fine with that. I'm not going in with an ulterior motive, as in it's not like I'm lying about wanting to be friends cos I want to get back with her.

The messed up part is she has told me that the times she enjoyed with me the most were the times I was sober, though of course at the time she didn't know that sometimes I was high with her and sometimes I wasn't. I always figured people liked being around me more when I was high, but obviously that's not true. She said when I was high I seemed distant, like I was there but not there, even tho I was never like fucked in front of her. In my mind when I was high I was being upbeat & fun to be around but it turns out she always preferred me when I was sober!! Crazy how we can see ourselves so differently to other people.

What really got to me is that despite being beautiful she's always been insecure, and me doing this has reinforced her belief there's something wrong with HER. I am trying so hard to convince her that this would have happened no matter who I was with and not to take this as proof that she is destined to be alone. I forced her to put a picture on Facebook of the two of us, and literally all my friends tell me how hot she is but she just doesn't see it. I think when she was younger she wasn't as attractive and was a late bloomer and so she still has that image of herself. I hate it because I managed to find a girl who was so genuinely kind, funny, smart and hot who I really clicked with, who overlooked my past (till it became the present) and I managed to fuck it up. I convinced myself I could have both - my life I'd built sober while using on the side. Never fucking works. The drugs take over and ruin everything, no matter how hard I try to keep it separate.

Ultimately she deserves better than a drug addict, so it might be for the best if we just stay friends. It would be really difficult if she got a new boyfriend, but till then I really think I could be friends with her and not have it drive me crazy. Part of me wishes she'd got angry at me and screamed at me or insulted me, since her just being hurt makes it so much harder. I have a lot of making up to do!
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
4,141
Location
Greatest city on Earth
oh god poor girl, i'm glad you got a chance to explain everything. its amazing how people who are naive about addiction can discombobulate themselves misinterpreting behaviour. its part of how its so difficult with my mum, she didn't grow up with addiction. both my dads parents were addicts and my boyfs mum was a horrendous alcoholic while he was growing up, so they are more understanding.

the feeling there's something wrong with her is super sad. i know that feeling and still have it as a stick to beat myself with.

i totally get the thing about you thinking you're better high, when really people prefer you sober. i think, self centred as we addicts are, when we are feeling good we assume eevryone else is. i honestly thought people wouldn't know or would think it was cool or something else that wasn't bad. my boyfriend says that i am the most fun to be around that i've ever been, apart from this little blip, i'm using less drugs than i have been the entire 18 years we've known each other and i don't think that's a coincidence.

anyway, remember to focus on yourself. i get you want to stay in touch with your ex and help her understand and feel better, but make sure you put your recovery first. and i still think you should try and get yourself into a rehab.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
I took your advice and had a 2 and a half hour conversation with my ex yesterday. Explained everything to her and she gave her side - turns out that until I explained she thought that because I used it meant I didn't care about her & that EVERYTHING I'd said to her was a lie, but thankfully after I explained as best I could she is starting to see that me relapsing isn't any reflection on her or how I feel about her. Not gonna lie, of course I want to get back with her and sleep with her, but I used to be in the same position as you - I'd never had any interest at all in being friends with an ex, literally ever, but I've never got on with anyone as well as I get on with this girl, so even if it becomes clear we could never be anything but friends going forward I'd want to preserve that. She seems to feel the same way - I suspect she's still into me but just can't trust me, so I'm hoping with time & honesty maybe she will trust me again and we could give it another try, but I'm prepared for the fact that may not happen.

I'm dyspraxic which means my co-ordination is terrible, so I am DEFINITELY more academically minded than hands-on practical work. And mate you may have not finished a degree or whatever but look at you now!! I bet you're more successful than 90% of uni graduates, especially the ones who believed the lie that uni = a good career.

The years passing thing is fucking crazy bro. I remember like it was last week last New Years Eve, it's terrifying. Years gone in a blur with fuck all to show for it but scars up and down my arms, its fucking depressing.

Congrats on day 5 man! Have you considered in the future taking time off everything including pregabs? They seem to be becoming a problem for you mate.
Bruv honesty the much easier option lay it on the table then you can move forward I know we used to telling lies because of our habit but if you really care about the girl show her that respect i know that rich coming from me but apart from cheating I tell my wife the truth on things quick edit . She contacted you so you still got a massive chance to get the relationship going again but bruv take it slow dont make any premature moves unless she makes them first you have to be sure . This could be the motivation you need to shape up be honest and stay clean . You have someone that cares about you and is out of the circle of drugs so no chance of her and you deciding to use. She like my wife in that way and that good but they find it hard to understand how we can be doing great flying along in recovery and bang back in the shit again explain your thoughts and how it happens. Brother i said this before but the best thing about a man is the person he loves they make you better people they can drive you nuts but the love of a women is better then any drug i thank god i found it early in life without it i be dead 100 per cent and a bonus is if they hot but even if my wife was ugly i would love her for her. When you said you would settle for being friends with her i knew you have to try your hardest to stay of the gear to not regret this chance because connections like that not everyday like you said you too not want to stay friends with your other ex girlfriends . I seriously think you got a chance to be swapping spit with her soon but be sober we may think we better everything when high but we miss little signals our brain normally picks up that say shut up little looks and she will be looking to see if you high around her and know you lying to her. Ill chat in a bit my better half wants us to take a walk to get me some exercise my legs are like stone ill answer your other questions later it taken me ages to write this because i been on such high doses of pregabs my memory shot to pieces and even simple words dont come to mind if i not care about you bruv i would not bother to spend so much time wrtiting this
 
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yubacity

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That's exactly it! I'm trying not to hope too much, and I'm sure that if she does just want to be friends I'll be fine with that. I'm not going in with an ulterior motive, as in it's not like I'm lying about wanting to be friends cos I want to get back with her.

The messed up part is she has told me that the times she enjoyed with me the most were the times I was sober, though of course at the time she didn't know that sometimes I was high with her and sometimes I wasn't. I always figured people liked being around me more when I was high, but obviously that's not true. She said when I was high I seemed distant, like I was there but not there, even tho I was never like fucked in front of her. In my mind when I was high I was being upbeat & fun to be around but it turns out she always preferred me when I was sober!! Crazy how we can see ourselves so differently to other people.

What really got to me is that despite being beautiful she's always been insecure, and me doing this has reinforced her belief there's something wrong with HER. I am trying so hard to convince her that this would have happened no matter who I was with and not to take this as proof that she is destined to be alone. I forced her to put a picture on Facebook of the two of us, and literally all my friends tell me how hot she is but she just doesn't see it. I think when she was younger she wasn't as attractive and was a late bloomer and so she still has that image of herself. I hate it because I managed to find a girl who was so genuinely kind, funny, smart and hot who I really clicked with, who overlooked my past (till it became the present) and I managed to fuck it up. I convinced myself I could have both - my life I'd built sober while using on the side. Never fucking works. The drugs take over and ruin everything, no matter how hard I try to keep it separate.

Ultimately she deserves better than a drug addict, so it might be for the best if we just stay friends. It would be really difficult if she got a new boyfriend, but till then I really think I could be friends with her and not have it drive me crazy. Part of me wishes she'd got angry at me and screamed at me or insulted me, since her just being hurt makes it so much harder. I have a lot of making up to do!
We think we being normal on gear and to so extent, we can fool people I did at work when driving lorry you just do enough to keep comfortable like you did with your girlfriend but when it a partner they kind of know we not completely on the level and let's be honest its heroin when you were clean you would have been more in tune. To be honest it must have been hard to fit your head through your door after getting compliments on how your girlfriend looks. Punjabi aunties used to cuss me out for marrying a white girl but my mom would tell me they would add she so beautiful. I still survey wives in a room and think mine the best looking . I dont think you fucked anything up and you must inside feel you can win her heart again all you have to do is be honest and do the most important part stay away from any I mean any drug we cant dip in and out i try and fail but you dont have to follow my lead your advice helped me that one time so you know how addiction works you delve deep into the science of it just follow your own words. Bruv if you keep coming on here be honest with your ex and keep it up for the remainder of the year ill give a couple of hundred quid to have a nice meal with her even if you just good friends i promise but you have to stay on here i know if you keep posting you still clean. Even if you just say hello let me know you good ill put it in your account in January before I go back. Even if you still friends you don't have to spend it on a meal buy her something.
 

Rio Fantastic

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oh god poor girl, i'm glad you got a chance to explain everything. its amazing how people who are naive about addiction can discombobulate themselves misinterpreting behaviour. its part of how its so difficult with my mum, she didn't grow up with addiction. both my dads parents were addicts and my boyfs mum was a horrendous alcoholic while he was growing up, so they are more understanding.

the feeling there's something wrong with her is super sad. i know that feeling and still have it as a stick to beat myself with.

i totally get the thing about you thinking you're better high, when really people prefer you sober. i think, self centred as we addicts are, when we are feeling good we assume eevryone else is. i honestly thought people wouldn't know or would think it was cool or something else that wasn't bad. my boyfriend says that i am the most fun to be around that i've ever been, apart from this little blip, i'm using less drugs than i have been the entire 18 years we've known each other and i don't think that's a coincidence.

anyway, remember to focus on yourself. i get you want to stay in touch with your ex and help her understand and feel better, but make sure you put your recovery first. and i still think you should try and get yourself into a rehab.

I think you're definitely right about the self-centered addict thinking everyone is vibing with us just because we're fucked up. That's great that you're dealing with this little slip that you've had and it sounds like you definitely haven't surrendered to it, so that's awesome. How have you been recently?

Rio bruv how you doing

Yuba thanks so much for your advice & kind words! And thanks for that offer man, I really appreciate it but honestly you don't have to do that, just supporting me in this thread is great mate, and I couldn't ask for anymore than that. I'm 3 days clean today - 3 days ago I had a one day slip when my asshole "friend" called me because he'd bought 3 bags of b but was fucking up smoking it on the foil since he's never done it alone before, so he asked if he could trade it for some of my subutex. Couldn't refuse, so I agreed to it. However, I regretted it straight away, and I saw my ex two days afterwards and just told her the truth. She was really happy that i'd told her, and over the course of the day we ended up getting off with eachother again. I really didn't expect this to happen so quick, but I'm thrilled that it has, and like you said I'm using that as part of my motivation to stay clean. I know it can't JUST be for her, but it definitely helps having a great girl in my corner.

She has said that for now she wants us to just be basically friends with benefits since she's concerned a full-on relationship might distract me from recovery. The girl is a fucking angel I swear - most other girls suggest that and I assume they're seeing other guys on the side, but I know that she hasn't got any other guy friends in her life and she really has just suggested this mostly so that I can focus on sobriety and partially I guess to protect herself from getting hurt again, but I have every confidence that if I stay on the right track and she sees I'm doing well then in the future we will be together again.

I have bounced back really quickly from this lapse, I think because it was just on day and because there was no white. I think coming off both of them is way harder for a couple days than just stopping H on its own.

How have you been yuba??? How's fatherhood treating you???
 

yubacity

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I think you're definitely right about the self-centered addict thinking everyone is vibing with us just because we're fucked up. That's great that you're dealing with this little slip that you've had and it sounds like you definitely haven't surrendered to it, so that's awesome. How have you been recently?



Yuba thanks so much for your advice & kind words! And thanks for that offer man, I really appreciate it but honestly you don't have to do that, just supporting me in this thread is great mate, and I couldn't ask for anymore than that. I'm 3 days clean today - 3 days ago I had a one day slip when my asshole "friend" called me because he'd bought 3 bags of b but was fucking up smoking it on the foil since he's never done it alone before, so he asked if he could trade it for some of my subutex. Couldn't refuse, so I agreed to it. However, I regretted it straight away, and I saw my ex two days afterwards and just told her the truth. She was really happy that i'd told her, and over the course of the day we ended up getting off with eachother again. I really didn't expect this to happen so quick, but I'm thrilled that it has, and like you said I'm using that as part of my motivation to stay clean. I know it can't JUST be for her, but it definitely helps having a great girl in my corner.

She has said that for now she wants us to just be basically friends with benefits since she's concerned a full-on relationship might distract me from recovery. The girl is a fucking angel I swear - most other girls suggest that and I assume they're seeing other guys on the side, but I know that she hasn't got any other guy friends in her life and she really has just suggested this mostly so that I can focus on sobriety and partially I guess to protect herself from getting hurt again, but I have every confidence that if I stay on the right track and she sees I'm doing well then in the future we will be together again.

I have bounced back really quickly from this lapse, I think because it was just on day and because there was no white. I think coming off both of them is way harder for a couple days than just stopping H on its own.

How have you been yuba??? How's fatherhood treating you???
Good going bruv 3 days listen rio first tell you pal who sizzles his gear to do it on his own when i first started i would sizzle more brown than smoke . Bruv friends with benefits does mean you can have sex not be tied down and with a smashing girl you can talk to that is the jackpot . My offer will stand i really owe you rio you pulled me out of the shit that time i really really want someone like you to not waste your life . It does my head in bruv when you disappear i know you on the brown dont stand still my brother .

I'm in the shit Rio I brought a shit load of pregabs and im in fucking deep no shit on my kids im doing nearly 7 grams of the shit and im back on the pods . I can handle the pod or heroin wd but the pregab wd got me scared . I started back on the pods to maybe help me get the pregab down to managable level then jump . My wife and best pal running the show for me now. My wife wants me to either sell my half of the business to my cousin or pay someone to look after my interest but she doesn't want me coming back to UK so often and without her . I started a thread on it here and someone recomened i go to hospital and let them get me of the gabs can i do that in UK but then it be on my file and i lose my HGV license i love my license i dont know . Tell your pals to go fuck move down south get away they will keep dragging u back in the shit
 

cowboycurtis

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I've read through a decent majority of this thread and all I can say is wow. The way you describe your thought processes especially regarding pre-/post-relapse mirror my own to such an extent it's amazing. I also turned 27 this year and I'm clawing my way out of a nearly decade-long heroin addiction as well. There's something about getting into your late 20's that really offers a perspective change. I've definitely grown up a lot in the last couple years. Still a fucking child, but you know how that goes. I feel like we're kind of different in our sober cycles too. For me it seems like I put together a decent amount of time here and there (up to 2 years), but if I relapse it typically turns into at least a few months if not a few years of a run. This last run for me was over 3 years of nearly daily using. I was clean for a month due to rehab back in September, but I relapsed pretty heavily in October for about a week. I was able to get another month under my belt before relapsing again last week. I got 2 grams when an opportunity came up and knowing how shitty I was gonna feel when it was gone, I proceeded to binge for a week (amazing how long it lasts at first with no tolerance). This is my second day of not using and I've been eating little pieces of suboxone. Feeling pretty hopeless, but I gotta make this thing work. I have one last opportunity before I end up back on the streets after many years of doing relatively well financially.
 

chinup

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Rio!! Stop hanging out with people who use. it only goes badly. cut them off. its fucking hard but its necessary. i'm glad you have pulled yourself up and contained it to one day. i am on day 3 of actually no opiates at all. have been a bit sick but not too bad, mostly sleep fucked up. its so fucking annoying. i'm really worried cos i have at absolute minimum 2 more dental surgeries in the near future and i either have to go through this again or do it with just paracetamol and ibuprofen. i honestly thought i'd been in recovery long enough for my opiate receptors to be back to roughly normal, but apparently not. i dunno if i fucked that up when i had my 2 blips on the dark. so fucking annoying!

i'm glad you've reached a good arrangement with your girl. just remember to concentrate on yourself. it is the best thing for both of you. are you doing any online meetings? they are annoying as fuck but i still get some benefit from them.

yuba that sounds horrible! i think your wife is right about you not spending so long in the UK on your own, it clearly doesn't do you any good. i don't see that as long as they have no reason to think you have been driving while using,it would affect your license. but i don't think you can just walk in and get a detox. there is a long waiting list for NHS facilities and they try and bring you down off things way too quick to get you out asap. if you can afford to go private then you won't have to wait, but it'll be dear.
 
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