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Recovery My cliché recovery journal

yubacity

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Feb 13, 2018
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u.k
Totally agree mate, I've blocked them on social media and their numbers and told them I'm focusing on my work. How have you been? Hows the newborn?

My girlfriend is awesome. She's younger than me - 22 - and half Indian & half British. She's gorgeous - she was the type that "glowed up" & only got really attractive later in life, so she doesn't have the arrogance of a beautiful girl despite the fact she's stunning. She doesn't drink and has never taken drugs, and since addiction runs in her family she never wants to risk it. She is really healthy - she exercises all the time & her hobbies are outdoors-based like hiking, camping, climbing, running etc. She loves travelling and has been to loads of different countries and has plans to go to more. She's studying human geography (she is really smart) and is also freelance writing. She is funny and she seemed shy until I got to know her and found that she has this amazing personality that she was concealing. She's so sweet and yet she calls me on shit if I deserve it. She's inexperienced in relationships and has never had a serious one before, and I've told her about my past and she wasn't scared away since she's had non-drug related struggles of her own before. She is way less clingy than other girls I've been with - I'm not used to them not needing constant validation and just trusting me right off the bat. I'm really glad I found her because I've never clicked with anyone like I click with her and since she is a little naive about relationships I'm glad it's me who's with her and not an asshole who would take advantage.

I've honestly never felt this way about a girl before. I thought I'd felt strongly for previous girls I was in a relationship with, but I just fancied them really, and I see that because of how I feel with her. She is genuinely really good for me since she's so healthy & her lifestyle is so different to the one I'm leaving behind. I haven't told her this because I don't want to come on too strong and I know that she's told me she is trying to stop herself from becoming obsessed or going in too fast since she doesn't want to get hurt, but I am falling for her. She inspires me to be a better person because she deserves the best and I don't feel worthy of her, at all. I want to be the guy she deserves.

Didn't mean to ramble, but I could of wrote another 2000 words about her, I'm obsessed!
Any women that make you better is a keeper mate dont fuck it up for brown
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
You can ramble on all you want my brother this the best part of the relationship. I never had a thing for Indian girls but when you add some white into the mix they are hot. You seem happy my brother and you told her about the gear that good otherwise you get tangled in a web of shit and trip up.Your last paragraph seem to suggest you not taking it to fast . I am going to be a gentleman about this does that mean you have not both celebrated your love together. Taking it slow nbot bad my wife not let me have sex with her until we married so 7 years of getting home and knocking one out . If she the right one it worth waiting for or get a bit on the side for sexual release . Dont do the last part i only joking you only end up getting caught really happy for you mate

My little girl is so brilliant i can make her laugh by sticking m,y head in her belly she got beauitiful eyes and her mothers features my ears i think i miss her

Bruv do you have a thing for Indian girls I seem to remember you saying you had a relationship with one before. I would just like to know what a white person sees in them when God has given you the best women in the world lovely eyes fair skin pink you know what and a culture where they equal to men. I never liked Indian girls in a sexual way maybe it just my makeup. None of us brothers fucked with Indian girl they married them but still have occasional flings with American girls my brother banging a woman that works in our office I did not know he kept it a secret only when he caught me checking her out he told me im the only one with the balls to risk it all for my white angel.
I not trying to be nosey im just curious i cant ask a man with a indian girlfriend what he see in her but would like to know is it because it exotic or brown skin
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
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yes rio glad you're back but fucking hell don't ghost us like that if its all going well!!! even if you can't be arsed to post a full thing just pop in and say 'life all good, too busy to say more' so that we don't worry cos we do genuinely care about you in here.

so so glad you pulled yourself back, and its going well with your girl. its funny you say you've found women clingy cos i've found the same with men, i think overall people are insecure and it makes them clingy. i used to have a boyfriend when i was like 15 who complained and would sometimes actually cry if i didn't go everywhere with him, even when he was doing skating with his mates and i was expected to sit there doing nothing. what a douche.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
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Location
u.k
Rio bruv im sorry about my messages yesterday did not mean to get personal about your lady friend i was smashed and i am banning porn and escorts so have been horny last few days so all i think about is that not that im thinking of your bird never bruv im just thinking that way its all i thinking of even a bit of nice leg is getting me going .
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
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Messages
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Location
u.k
I only asked what you see in women from india because i too prefer women who not my ethnic group just curious about it
 

yubacity

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Messages
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Once again rio i must apologise about asking if you and you girlfriend had become one its just if a mate tell me he got a bird i would have to ask if he has you know had sex with her followed by some details of the ocassion
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Yuba - you can ask what you want man! Don't worry about it. I didn't pursue her BECAUSE she's indian, she just happened to be. She's a beautiful girl and pretty light-skinned anyway - she gets asked if she's latina a lot, and I can see why. Also that's awesome about your daughter, I'm really happy for you.

Things are not going well anyway. Thought I'd let you guys know. I relapsed. A month ago I had a job and a girlfriend. My now ex-girlfriend found out that I was using and lying about it and broke up with me, though she wants to see me next week as friends since I think she wants to help me through it. I've put her through so much shit in such a short space of time that I really don't deserve that, but she obviously cares about me. I also have to go into work on Wednesday to see if I'm getting fired or not since I went to work high and though they suspected I was intoxicated the official reason is because they caught me vaping in the break room, and there's a chance I can just be dismissed without notice for gross negligence.

If I hadn't relapsed, I'd still have a job & a girlfriend. That is crystal clear to me. I am trying to get clean again now - today is day 7, and though physically I feel OK, I'm in a pretty depressed headspace today. I'm trying to make the right decisions again though and get through it. Sorry for disappearing again.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
How are you @yubacity & @chinup?

By the way yuba if you're curious I can PM you a picture of me with my ex-girlfriend then you can finally put a face to my posts!

8 days today. I've been reflecting on how I always think I'm so much further from relapse than I actually am. I was six weeks in and feeling great, then my girlfriend told me that things were going too fast (she's never had a serious boyfriend before) and she needed to take a few days to think about what she wants to do. I immediately assumed she was going to break up with me, that it had all been too good to be true, that I didn't deserve a girl like her etc. An hour later I was smoking crack and heroin. And then, of course, once the genie is out of the bottle it's hard as fuck to stop it. She ended up telling me a couple days later she wanted to carry on since she really liked me and it just scared her so I'd fucked everything up over something that only existed in my mind - had I of just stayed clean, everything would have been OK.

Since that point I have been doing the plate spinning routine where I try to keep up my regular life while using periodically. I didn't go longer than 3 days without it until this stretch of 8 days and I tried to maintain by taking gabapentin & diazepam on the "off" days and heroin/crack when I had the money, and for a little while nobody was any the wiser. However, it came crashing down when I was contacted by an RC seller on Bluelight who offered to send me a free "sample pack". Of course I accepted, and a few days later I had a box with 3-MMC and 2 different RC benzos arrive at my door. I did all the 3-MMC which I enjoyed a LOT more than I thought I would, but then found at work I was starting to crash, so I popped the benzos. I severely underestimated the strength of Etizolam, and I was noticeably fucked up. That's why I may be losing my job tomorrow, and then after another couple days binging I started being really evasive and avoiding my girlfriend, and she realized there was a problem. When she found out I'd been using she was initially willing to help me through it, but then when she found out again a week later and after I'd been lying about it that was the final straw and she ended it.

So here I am now, kind of stunned out of my using by how quickly I managed to tank both my job and my relationship, trying to put the pieces back together again. I am centering sobriety as the most important part of my life again, so in a way it's kind of a blessing I don't have my job/girlfriend to distract me I suppose - I can focus 100% on getting well again and overcoming this addiction that keeps ruining my life time & time & time again.
 

chinup

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fuck Rio, i'm sorry it went so wrong so quickly. i am going to reiterate what i say every time something like this happens, which is to get yourself to rehab. it will give you the best chance.

and also ffs don't accept random packages from complete strangers who are blatantly out to exploit you and get you addicted to different substances. its almost exactly like your dealer giving you a free sample of uncut fire if you don't call for a few days. fucking exploitation and you have payed heavily. so next time remember the BLUA and report the fucker. also, you need to aim for total abstinence at least for early rcovery, which i am now extending to the first 5 years cos 2 years in letting myself drink and use benzos and weak opiates again is fucking me, like it went from easily controlled to difficult to get a day clean in about 2 months. i'm fucking scared.

if you have lost your gf and your job, you do need to find a structured way to fill your time. i really hope you haven't lost your job. can you not bullshit them that you'd started to feel really ill and strongly deny being under the influence of drugs if they ask. and fucking grovel about vaping in the break room. like who the fuck cares that's total bollocks. hopefully if you've been there a long while and are usually a good worker so it'll be ok. i'm just worried cos when i lost my job i got so much worse so fast, mostly cos i had all this free time that i could use to make serious money and thus smoke serious amounts of crack.

i've just had a fucking brutal failed tooth extraction. i'd needed it taken out for like 10 years and put it off cos i didn't have money. well, it fucking crumbled every time she tried to take it out and now i have to take antibiotics and go back to get the root out later.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
How are you @yubacity & @chinup?

By the way yuba if you're curious I can PM you a picture of me with my ex-girlfriend then you can finally put a face to my posts!

8 days today. I've been reflecting on how I always think I'm so much further from relapse than I actually am. I was six weeks in and feeling great, then my girlfriend told me that things were going too fast (she's never had a serious boyfriend before) and she needed to take a few days to think about what she wants to do. I immediately assumed she was going to break up with me, that it had all been too good to be true, that I didn't deserve a girl like her etc. An hour later I was smoking crack and heroin. And then, of course, once the genie is out of the bottle it's hard as fuck to stop it. She ended up telling me a couple days later she wanted to carry on since she really liked me and it just scared her so I'd fucked everything up over something that only existed in my mind - had I of just stayed clean, everything would have been OK.

Since that point I have been doing the plate spinning routine where I try to keep up my regular life while using periodically. I didn't go longer than 3 days without it until this stretch of 8 days and I tried to maintain by taking gabapentin & diazepam on the "off" days and heroin/crack when I had the money, and for a little while nobody was any the wiser. However, it came crashing down when I was contacted by an RC seller on Bluelight who offered to send me a free "sample pack". Of course I accepted, and a few days later I had a box with 3-MMC and 2 different RC benzos arrive at my door. I did all the 3-MMC which I enjoyed a LOT more than I thought I would, but then found at work I was starting to crash, so I popped the benzos. I severely underestimated the strength of Etizolam, and I was noticeably fucked up. That's why I may be losing my job tomorrow, and then after another couple days binging I started being really evasive and avoiding my girlfriend, and she realized there was a problem. When she found out I'd been using she was initially willing to help me through it, but then when she found out again a week later and after I'd been lying about it that was the final straw and she ended it.

So here I am now, kind of stunned out of my using by how quickly I managed to tank both my job and my relationship, trying to put the pieces back together again. I am centering sobriety as the most important part of my life again, so in a way, it's kind of a blessing I don't have my job/girlfriend to distract me I suppose - I can focus 100% on getting well again and overcoming this addiction that keeps ruining my life time & time & time again.
Rio bruv when I first read you had a bird when I came back I was really happy for you but at the same time thought you to early in recovery to have a new relationship because of all the shit that goes with a new relationship I think even chinup mentioned something about it.

Your an addict you thought your love may be breaking up with you, of course, the first thing we do is use and like you said the plate spinning starts. The first thing is to try and save your job where your money from. Make some bullshit up like chinup said grovel anything to keep the payday coming. Will you have wd coming off the gear or will they be minor your right that the most important thing in your life is your recovery the rest will come it did but you not far enough into recovery to have too much shit going on in your life. Use the gabapentin to get of the gear taper of that at least the wd out the way. After that just think work exercise and home fuck your mates of because without that you will keep being pulled back into the shit again.

What's done is done you can't change it thinking about it will only fuck your head up . Now you know if you get clean you can start living like normal people can please please please bruv don't be like me 44 and still spinning plates don't waste your whole youth to the gear it a regret that a punch in the gut every morning. I was lucky I was a functioning addict that would work even though my addictions and had an angel of a wife that put up with it . Let me know what your work did cant you say you took a sleeping tablet the night before that left you fucked you dont even like benzos.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
fuck Rio, i'm sorry it went so wrong so quickly. i am going to reiterate what i say every time something like this happens, which is to get yourself to rehab. it will give you the best chance.

and also ffs don't accept random packages from complete strangers who are blatantly out to exploit you and get you addicted to different substances. its almost exactly like your dealer giving you a free sample of uncut fire if you don't call for a few days. fucking exploitation and you have payed heavily. so next time remember the BLUA and report the fucker. also, you need to aim for total abstinence at least for early rcovery, which i am now extending to the first 5 years cos 2 years in letting myself drink and use benzos and weak opiates again is fucking me, like it went from easily controlled to difficult to get a day clean in about 2 months. i'm fucking scared.

if you have lost your gf and your job, you do need to find a structured way to fill your time. i really hope you haven't lost your job. can you not bullshit them that you'd started to feel really ill and strongly deny being under the influence of drugs if they ask. and fucking grovel about vaping in the break room. like who the fuck cares that's total bollocks. hopefully if you've been there a long while and are usually a good worker so it'll be ok. i'm just worried cos when i lost my job i got so much worse so fast, mostly cos i had all this free time that i could use to make serious money and thus smoke serious amounts of crack.

i've just had a fucking brutal failed tooth extraction. i'd needed it taken out for like 10 years and put it off cos i didn't have money. well, it fucking crumbled every time she tried to take it out and now i have to take antibiotics and go back to get the root out later.
Chinup mate i had same thing the extraction was not a problem they rub this numbing cream around it and dig the root out you wont feel a thing . Tell them you want anti biotics for after because it can get infected but they dont like doing that but the extraction nothing to worry about.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
fuck Rio, i'm sorry it went so wrong so quickly. i am going to reiterate what i say every time something like this happens, which is to get yourself to rehab. it will give you the best chance.

and also ffs don't accept random packages from complete strangers who are blatantly out to exploit you and get you addicted to different substances. its almost exactly like your dealer giving you a free sample of uncut fire if you don't call for a few days. fucking exploitation and you have payed heavily. so next time remember the BLUA and report the fucker. also, you need to aim for total abstinence at least for early rcovery, which i am now extending to the first 5 years cos 2 years in letting myself drink and use benzos and weak opiates again is fucking me, like it went from easily controlled to difficult to get a day clean in about 2 months. i'm fucking scared.

if you have lost your gf and your job, you do need to find a structured way to fill your time. i really hope you haven't lost your job. can you not bullshit them that you'd started to feel really ill and strongly deny being under the influence of drugs if they ask. and fucking grovel about vaping in the break room. like who the fuck cares that's total bollocks. hopefully if you've been there a long while and are usually a good worker so it'll be ok. i'm just worried cos when i lost my job i got so much worse so fast, mostly cos i had all this free time that i could use to make serious money and thus smoke serious amounts of crack.

i've just had a fucking brutal failed tooth extraction. i'd needed it taken out for like 10 years and put it off cos i didn't have money. well, it fucking crumbled every time she tried to take it out and now i have to take antibiotics and go back to get the root out later.

Just to clarify, I relapsed long before the RCs and I was offered them on Reddit, not Bluelight. I wouldn't have accepted them when I was clean. I felt reasonably confident about them since the guy had a proper RC website, so I figured if he sent it (which I doubted he would tbh) then they'd at least be what they said. I did the 3-MMC since I used to LOVE 4-MMC, especially the good quality stuff when it was legal, but compared to real mephedrone the 3-MMC was much milder. It was still really enjoyable though - I actually prefer most uppers to crack, I just can't access anything but coke which is out my price range and crack, so I end up defaulting to it. The 3-MMC gave a mood lift & energy boost, and then at the peak these amazing tingly rushes in my skull & down my spine, which I assume was the serotonergic effects. The only upper I've done for so long has been crack, so I'd forgotten how amazing drugs that act on serotonin can be. I won't lie, I've been tempted to order more, but I've resisted.

They also sent 2 other uppers - one called hexen and one called ALFA-PHIP. I flushed the latter since I couldn't find a single positive thing about it on the internet, and I tried a couple lines of the hexen and found it really disappointing. It just made me feel slightly uncomfortable, but my friend tried it and he loved it and said he got coke-like effects. The fucking etizolam & the flubromazolam are what fucked me. I popped an etizolam and the minute it kicked in my inhibitions were gone, and stupidly I'd bought all the benzos with me to work. Popped them all like M&Ms, then later on I was fucked. What the fuck was I thinking popping random RC benzos that I have no idea the strength of at the start of a shift?

Regarding my work, I'm pretty sure they won't mention being under the influence since they can't prove it, and it wasn't mentioned in the disciplinary summons. I will grovel about the vaping. I have been there 3 years but my performance has been inconsistent - long stretches where I'm a perfect employee when I'm clean, then I've relapsed and started being late, calling in sick, missing tasks etc. I hope they don't fire me - it would be really harsh to do it NOW when they could just keep me on furlough, but I am mentally prepared for that possibility.

So you did relapse in the end I gather? How are you now?
 

yubacity

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Messages
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u.k
--- this is against the rules i'm afraid yuba, i know you're just trying to help----
 
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yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
Just to clarify, I relapsed long before the RCs and I was offered them on Reddit, not Bluelight. I wouldn't have accepted them when I was clean. I felt reasonably confident about them since the guy had a proper RC website, so I figured if he sent it (which I doubted he would tbh) then they'd at least be what they said. I did the 3-MMC since I used to LOVE 4-MMC, especially the good quality stuff when it was legal, but compared to real mephedrone the 3-MMC was much milder. It was still really enjoyable though - I actually prefer most uppers to crack, I just can't access anything but coke which is out my price range and crack, so I end up defaulting to it. The 3-MMC gave a mood lift & energy boost, and then at the peak these amazing tingly rushes in my skull & down my spine, which I assume was the serotonergic effects. The only upper I've done for so long has been crack, so I'd forgotten how amazing drugs that act on serotonin can be. I won't lie, I've been tempted to order more, but I've resisted.

They also sent 2 other uppers - one called hexen and one called ALFA-PHIP. I flushed the latter since I couldn't find a single positive thing about it on the internet, and I tried a couple lines of the hexen and found it really disappointing. It just made me feel slightly uncomfortable, but my friend tried it and he loved it and said he got coke-like effects. The fucking etizolam & the flubromazolam are what fucked me. I popped an etizolam and the minute it kicked in my inhibitions were gone, and stupidly I'd bought all the benzos with me to work. Popped them all like M&Ms, then later on I was fucked. What the fuck was I thinking popping random RC benzos that I have no idea the strength of at the start of a shift?

Regarding my work, I'm pretty sure they won't mention being under the influence since they can't prove it, and it wasn't mentioned in the disciplinary summons. I will grovel about the vaping. I have been there 3 years but my performance has been inconsistent - long stretches where I'm a perfect employee when I'm clean, then I've relapsed and started being late, calling in sick, missing tasks etc. I hope they don't fire me - it would be really harsh to do it NOW when they could just keep me on furlough, but I am mentally prepared for that possibility.

So you did relapse in the end I gather? How are you now?
If they cant prove you did any drugs can they still give you the sack i don't know ill ask my cousin about employment law he does all that for us but our waiters at functions all on coke they work better. That the reason I'm not allowed on function days I end up getting fucked with them instead of supervising i need a supervisor for me
 

chinup

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Chinup mate i had same thing the extraction was not a problem they rub this numbing cream around it and dig the root out you wont feel a thing . Tell them you want anti biotics for after because it can get infected but they dont like doing that but the extraction nothing to worry about.

reread yuba!! i already had it, they couldn't get the root out cos the tooth just crumbled when she tried to get it out, i could feel it splintering in my mouth. it was fucking awful. so i need to get surgery to finish the job.

rio that all makes a lot more sense now. when you're using taking random substances in work doesn't seem like a bad idea, cos lets face it if you're using street drugs they are essentially random substances anyway, and you don't stop just cos you have work.

you're totally right that most uppers feel better than crack. i think the way crack gets you is that you can continue. even with normal coke you get to a point where it just stops feeling good and you know doing more will just keep you up feeling wired and odd for ages. i guess its similar with crack once you been up too long but you convince yourself the next pipe will be different. but i'd say mdma and mephedrone are way better, but cos you can't use them two days in a row and get the same effect, you don't get addicted.

i haven't used heroin or crack since that lapse, over a month ago now. but i have been drinking and using other stuff to potentiate..... and its steadily getting worse. i start my new job soon and i'm gonna try and draw a line in the sand and not allow myself to drink in the week. if i can't do one weekend night a week i need to go back to nothing.

can i also say, even if you patch it back up with your gf, please be careful. for both your sakes. i thought i could hack getting in a relationship with a heroin addict, obviously got addicted myself and we both just made each other worse.
 

yubacity

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Chinup im talking about the root extraction i had it done it not that bad i had same thing during coke day filling fell out so i started sticking paper soaked in ambesol in it eventually it cracked he tried to take it out the tooth crumbled so root extraction my worst part was they gave me no antibiotics and it got infected then 7 days till they see me again. The extraction was easy they take it out and stitch it up if you hate it maake out you afraid to ever see dentist again and they knock you out for it but you will have to go dental surgery now i get all my work done that way once had them knock me out i wake up and all 5 fillings done
 

chinup

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ahhhhh right i get ya, ok that's really good to know.

i'm ok getting fillings, only ever had 3 and all cos my gums receeded not bad care. they gave me diazepam to take before this and will give me before the next, sedation is more than i can afford, its part of how i let the tooth get so bad, i've known it needs taking out for like 15 years but could never afford it before.
 

yubacity

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also they gave me antibiotics today and i didn't ask, so hopefully they should be cool about it next time.
Ask for them mate your mouth dirty germ-filled place so easy to get an infection after root extraction. I hate fillings proper fear that why mine got so bad like you my teeth clean but getting knocked out so easy I go in get put to sleep if nurse good looking I try chatting her up while my wife there its the put to sleep medicine I never know what im saying
 

yubacity

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Chinup i dont mean your mouth dirty all mouths have germs i meant that not your mouth dirty
 
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