Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[Rio Fantastic]

Day 20 today! @chinup your recommendation of a buddhist-inspired program has made me realize I must start meditating again, so I just did 5 minutes. I know it's nothing, but I have found that I can commit to 5 minutes a day and then after doing it daily for a week I'll have created that habit in my mind so I'll be able to increase the time I spend doing it once the hard part of forcing myself into the routine has been done. I'm thankful it's less cold today, but the cigarettes are fucking my throat up while I'm waiting for my new vape tank to arrive. However, I like that that is my problem at the moment, compared to when my problem was "I am 2 days clean and want to die". Having a serious drug habit in your recent past has a way of putting the daily trials of life into perspective!!

 

[Jabberwocky]

well done on 20 days!!! keep it up you're doing great. well done on making a start at getting into meditating again. i REALLY need to ge tinto a regular practise again but am totally failing lol.

and yeah appreciating those sorts of problems is nice in a way. ciggies do totally fck your throat up its amazing. i quit in january but then bought a pack when i was in a low place and half way through the first one i could feel it was bad for me. still smoked the entire pack though lol. thankfully not bought another and don't intend to.

ace, as soon as the buddhist recovery meeting is on their public calendar i'll send you the link. its a bit weird cos its all recovery, not just drugs, and there's stuff i didn't even know people sought recovery from, like being an adult child (which i probably am but would never consider joining a group to fix it!) but they do a short meditation at the start and end, which is nice. they also do a thing called a transference of merit at the end which i'm used to from other things at the buddhist centre, but are optional so if you don't wanna do it you don't have to.

hope your work went ok and you've had a good day. have you been doing daily SMART meetings?

my sister and her boyf have been up to visit which is nice, they are going tomorrow. my mum is starting to do my nut in again so i think i need to go back to mine but i started going a bit crazy when i was there on my own before so gonna put it off as much as possible.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

@chinup thanks!! What's going on with your Mum?? Is she just being herself or doing anything particular that's driving you wild??

I can't recommend enough just doing 5 minutes meditation a day. It's such a small time commitment that it's almost impossible to fail at but I think it really is just long enough to get some kind of benefit from it.

LOL @ the adult child thing. I feel the same!! Lets make our own group. "Adult children who don't plan on changing anonymous".

I haven't been doing daily SMART meetings since there are no local ones and they've cut the online ones back now lockdown has been lifted and I've been working a lot so I just haven't had my schedule align for it. Went to one on Sunday, but haven't done one since. Will definitely try to fit one in the next the couple of days though.

I've had a pretty great day today, except I think I pulled something in my back at the gym. I broke my back when I was 16, and the exact vertebrae I fractured back then started hurting when I was deadlifting, so I must be doing something wrong?? Gonna give that exercise a miss for a while or at least until I can get someone to check my form and tell me what I'm doing wrong. It's not super painful or anything but it hurts if I try and sit in certain positions now.

Have you been good chinup????

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Having a rough day today. I've been really happy these past couple of days, so it feels inevitable that I would have to sink down again at some stage. I'm reminding myself that this is my addiction and my thinking is irrational at the moment, which it is. I'm trying not engage with the thoughts of using and just framing them as what they really are - the byproducts of an irrational, disordered mind experiencing some stress and trying to throw up the quickest & easiest solution, but I know the reality is that drugs will only make everything much worse. This is nothing I can't handle!!

 

[Jabberwocky]

gotta be quick cos i have an appointment with my addiction therapist, sorry you're havin a rough day. its just part of life i'm afraid, though you will be having more extreme lows than usual for a while. well done for not engaging with using thoughts. you absolutely can get through this without using. and really you have to if you want to get clean long term. life is just utterly shitty sometimes and it fucking sucks, but even when its really sucky there's more hope of better days when you're clean.

i'm having a rough day too. so super tired. i've tried twice to have a nap and failed. my parents were out so i didn't have to pretend to be working. then at the end of the day found out i have a meeting with my boss and some other people tomorrow in which i'm expected to present some results lol. luckily i think i've got something to show them. also have a job interview over lunch tomorrow. have 5 hours of interviews over one day next week, for a job i really want, so am also trying to prepare for that buts its all so mentally draining that i seem to have mostly just stopped functioning.

my mum annoys me because she acts like if my day isn't packed with activities she knows about, then i'm free to help her with whatever it is she's doing. and she doesn't even ask, she says 'well you can do x' and its so fucking annoying cos framed like that i have no idea is she is just suggesting, if she's actually asking, or if she's basically telling me to do it and i will get in shit if i don't. i need a long period of doing nothing so bad!

she is also commenting on what i eat all the time. yesterday i went to get some toast and she was like 'are you actually hungry?' and tbh i wasn't really but its none of her fucking business. i'm not gaining weight and i do a lot more exercise than she ever has. then at dinner time, not before, she announced i needed to sort my own dinner. i was already starving cos i hadn't wanted her to judge me for getting another slice of fucking toast, so was gonna get takeaway, which she tutted about. then when i got back with hot food ready to eat, she stopped me in the hall cos the baby cat had peed on the mat and was telling me to sort it. i know its my responsibility but i don't want my dinner going cold when i'm already starving to be told to do something that actually is not an emergency.

so i'll probably go back to mine sooner than expected cos its doing my head in. anyway its clear from this post i still very much need a therapist so i'd better get to my appointment!!!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Holy shit @chinup sounds like your mum needs to be reminded you aren't a little girl anymore. You're an adult now and she can't order you around and try to control your diet!! That sounds irritating at best and toxic at worst so it sounds like you need to set some boundaries!! sounds like you're really busty. 5 hours of interviews, holy shit. Have you mentally checked out of your job since you're looking for a new one or are you still giving it 100%?? When I approach the last days of a job I know is coming to an end soon I end up hardly doing the bare minimum since I know I'm on the way out.

My head has decided to do that thing where it gets clean and then immediately hyper fixates on a girl and I convince myself she's the answer to all my problems (but maybe she is!!!! maybe she will cure me!!!!!) but it's a nice distraction at the minute. Haven't even asked her out yet but I'm just going ahead and planning our long happy futures together....normal stuff.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I'm feeling good today! I have work later and kind of wish I didn't since at the moment it just seems like such a waste of time. The furlough scheme goes on till October which essentially means that all the time I've been working has been financially pointless. The way it works is that unless we work enough hours to go over the threshold of furlough then we are just paid the amount we would have been furloughed and would be paid if we were still closed or off sick. There is no way that I or anyone else has managed to work enough hours this month to earn over our furlough amount, so I can't even tell myself that I'm making money being there!! Oh well though, I will try to make the most of it. It's an interesting opportunity to work out the socialising muscles that I let atrophy over the lockdown and I can approach it with equanimity and make the most of it. I really hope everyone else is doing well!

 

[Jabberwocky]

glad you had a good day yesterday though that totally sucks about your work!!! i mean it makes sense from their perspective, they need to be open so they can start making some money again, but you should get more for going to work than you would do sat at home. that would piss me off too. BUT,its good to have some structured time, honestly unfilled time is a major enemy in early recovery. plus that connection you get to human beings, however fleeting, as long as its not really pissy customers cos fuck them (i am SO glad I did years in customer service as its taught me to ALWAYS be nice to staff), will be doing ou good. i think in Russel Brands book he goes on about connection being the cure for addiction.

i've been too exhausted to think the past few days, better today but trying to prepare for this interview and its making me feel low about myself. i have been googling about common questions for that company's interviews and i don't know the answer to any of them, but the job i'm going for is incredibly specialised (and i know nothing about that either!!!!). its making me feel low about myself and not even sure i can put myself through that ringer for a likely rejection. i know they wouldn't invest so long in talking to me if i didn't have a good chance, but its all so intimidating.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Good luck chinup! Let us know how it goes! And yeah, you've obviously done something right to get your foot in the door and go as far as an interview so try not to doubt yourself!

I'm having a tough day today. I was feeling great for all of yesterday - honestly was on cloud 9. I thought work might dent my great mood but it didn't, I actually really really enjoyed being there for a change!! I don't know how the fuck I can go to bed so optimistic and hopeful and then wake up the next day when absolutely nothing has changed and suddenly find I've gone from 9 to 3 for absolutely no reason. I haven't let it sway my behaviour though - I've managed to keep cravings at bay by staying busy. Done some of my TEFL course and been to the gym and reminding myself that this will pass. Yesterday was amazing, but if the consequences of it are having to sink back down here then I'd rather just be level all the time then have to deal with days like this on a regular basis.

I am feeling good about my progress. I am a little scared of getting to around day 50 - I've relapsed twice around that point. I'm not even halfway there yet, but it's the next major "milestone" and I am concerned that I have gone double this far twice and yet had a horrible day and thrown it all away. I have really fought just to get where I am, and I don't want to fuck it all up in a few weeks, so I'm trying to take steps to minimize that risk.

Fuck. Can't wait till this low mood goes away.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Every day is new and different. Some days I feel terrible and the next day can be amazing, but I never seem to remember or carry over the optimism that things likely will soon get better.

I might called this "learned pessimism" because when things don't go well for long enough your brain learns what to expect and this is a natural process of observing and adapting to the environment, which is important for survival.

It's hard even for me to use my human brain to override my subconscious mind and the assumed or learned pessimism.

Here's to a better tomorrow!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Every day is new and different. Some days I feel terrible and the next day can be amazing, but I never seem to remember or carry over the optimism that things likely will soon get better.

I might called this "learned pessimism" because when things don't go well for long enough your brain learns what to expect and this is a natural process of observing and adapting to the environment, which is important for survival.

It's hard even for me to use my human brain to override my subconscious mind and the assumed or learned pessimism.

Here's to a better tomorrow!

Thanks CH! So far, it has been a better tomorrow. The depression seems to have lifted this morning (however, of course, the day is young!) and I have worked out before the shift I'll be going to in an hour to try and put the energy I had back into something positive to hopefully provide a "buffer" against future depression.

It seems that the good habits I'm developing like meditation & exercise make the good days great and the bad days bearable - i.e. they don't turn a bad day into a good one, but they stop me dwelling on it and let me get through it easier.

That's really interesting about learned pessimism. I think that is something I am going to try and consciously monitor when I am in a low mood - I don't want it to feed on itself by letting my brain entrench those thought patterns and strengthen the connections that are forming when I'm depressed, so I am going to renew my commitment to practicing thought disputation. I have let it fall by the wayside since when I'm depressed even if I rationally dispute the depressed thoughts, the emotion lingers, but you mentioning this concept has made me realize that even if it's not a magic solution, it can still have some utility!

I hope this good mood lasts till tomorrow. I'm working tomorrow with this girl that I'm planning on asking out, and as long as I feel like this then I can make myself do it. Trying to also brace myself in case she says no - I am sure if she rejects me that I'll be unhappy, naturally, but I just can't let it lead to a relapse. I'm hoping I can plan around it and have formed a contingency plan in case it does go that way, so I'll see how it goes.

Does anyone else get irritability in recovery?? It's been a good day but I found myself blowing up on the phone to a friend (to be fair, he was asking an awful lot of me for literally zero in return in an expectant way that rubbed me the wrong way), and though it wasn't totally unwarranted there is never any reason to react like that. I'm not normally an angry person, so these sudden eruptions of anger are novel to me, so I was wondering if I'm the only one??

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Does anyone else get irritability in recovery?? It's been a good day but I found myself blowing up on the phone to a friend (to be fair, he was asking an awful lot of me for literally zero in return in an expectant way that rubbed me the wrong way), and though it wasn't totally unwarranted there is never any reason to react like that. I'm not normally an angry person, so these sudden eruptions of anger are novel to me, so I was wondering if I'm the only one??

Irritability is a huge issue for me.

The pandemic doesn't help because anyone who walks close to me I get enraged. Anyone not wearing a face mask, I get enraged. The two combined I have to restrain myself from acting out.

I'm almost sure I will survive as I've been sick with covid before - but what if I get sick, spread it around and it ends up killing other people's loved ones/relatives? It's not alright and people need to follow the law/public health officials advice (it's not that hard to wear a mask and they'll tell us when we can go back to a maskless society...) etc

Sorry about my rant. It turns out a family member (thousands of miles away and though we talk we haven't gone over this subject/observed each other in real life in these situations) - apparently they do the same thing (get irate AND complain endlessly about the one person who can't wear a face mask properly in public).

One other thing - sometimes I get irritated when things are confusing or the people who set things up for me to do are more incompetent than me (this happens more than you would think!) - and I often choose to talk it out with someone, try to think and realize that the pandemic has thrown everyone into a loop and it's not just me - and it helps. So sometimes when I can't change how I feel but logically know that I am probably being emotional, I will say "I know this _____, but I feel this ______ because of X, Y, Z, hence it's not fair" etc. At times I realize things that upset me would upset ANYONE and so I can't feel personally outraged about my situation even if I can still feel upset about it. So sometimes I try to feel sympathy for other people in a similar situation and when I can I sympathize with others going through the same thing.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Irritability is a huge issue for me.

The pandemic doesn't help because anyone who walks close to me I get enraged. Anyone not wearing a face mask, I get enraged. The two combined I have to restrain myself from acting out.

I'm almost sure I will survive as I've been sick with covid before - but what if I get sick, spread it around and it ends up killing other people's loved ones/relatives? It's not alright and people need to follow the law/public health officials advice (it's not that hard to wear a mask and they'll tell us when we can go back to a maskless society...) etc

Sorry about my rant. It turns out a family member (thousands of miles away and though we talk we haven't gone over this subject/observed each other in real life in these situations) - apparently they do the same thing (get irate AND complain endlessly about the one person who can't wear a face mask properly in public).

One other thing - sometimes I get irritated when things are confusing or the people who set things up for me to do are more incompetent than me (this happens more than you would think!) - and I often choose to talk it out with someone, try to think and realize that the pandemic has thrown everyone into a loop and it's not just me - and it helps. So sometimes when I can't change how I feel but logically know that I am probably being emotional, I will say "I know this _____, but I feel this ______ because of X, Y, Z, hence it's not fair" etc. At times I realize things that upset me would upset ANYONE and so I can't feel personally outraged about my situation even if I can still feel upset about it. So sometimes I try to feel sympathy for other people in a similar situation and when I can I sympathize with others going through the same thing.

Oh my God!! I was literally JUST in a store to buy some peanut butter, wearing a mask as recommended, and this older guy - in his 50s - was ahead of me in the queue. First it irritated me anyway since he wasn't wearing a mask, and then he starts coughing!! He does it multiple times, turning away but not covering his mouth to cough openly. It really pissed me off. It's inconsiderate to be walking round without a mask anyway, but when you know you have a fucking cough!?!? The total lack of basic decency that some idiots have is mind-boggling. They must just live in a haze where they're the only people that matter, too stupid to realize that they aren't special or different to anyone else with that unique arrogance that the self-centered & stupid carry themselves with. I'm getting worked up just remembering it.

I'm getting a little better at catching the anger and stopping it before it flares up. It has helped that I am keeping a journal and every evening I write one thing that I did well today and one thing that I could have improved. By the fifth time I was writing "I should have controlled my temper better today" I was realizing that this is a pretty consistent issue I'm having, and that little bit of reflection has started coming in to my daily life and let me put a check on my anger before it comes out.

I am feeling alright today. It's a nice day out so I wish I wasn't at work - we're due for a mini-heatwave here in the UK apparently, and I would bet that this is the last really nice weather we're going to have for a long time. I hope it lasts until Friday when I get a week off. if I'm feeling good and having a good time with a co-worker later today during my shift I'm going to ask her out. I have no idea how she will respond. I'd like to think though that I won't be devastated if she says no. I'm past caring about that though - the way I'm feeling at the moment I won't be dissuaded by 100 rejections, I've been single for far too long and I feel like dating is way overdue for me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

urgh people coughing without a mask and not even covering their mouth is not on. it really is inconsiderate. i don't know how these people live with themselves. every time you go in an enclosed space without a mask you are putting untold lives at risk.

that journal idea is really good. i should try that. i tried to keep a diary in rehab and just after but eventually that tailed off. glad you're feeling alright anyway.

i'm worried that asking this girl out is setting yourself up for an excuse to relapse if she says no. leave it a week or two so you can think properly about your intentions, discuss it with other people in recovery. you're very emotionally vulnerable, and a relationship is a great way to distract yourself from the work you need to be doing on yourself.

i have gone from feeling optimistic to sad and empty (see recovery thread)

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Oh my God!! I was literally JUST in a store to buy some peanut butter, wearing a mask as recommended, and this older guy - in his 50s - was ahead of me in the queue. First it irritated me anyway since he wasn't wearing a mask, and then he starts coughing!! He does it multiple times, turning away but not covering his mouth to cough openly. It really pissed me off. It's inconsiderate to be walking round without a mask anyway, but when you know you have a fucking cough!?!? The total lack of basic decency that some idiots have is mind-boggling. They must just live in a haze where they're the only people that matter, too stupid to realize that they aren't special or different to anyone else with that unique arrogance that the self-centered & stupid carry themselves with. I'm getting worked up just remembering it.

I'm getting a little better at catching the anger and stopping it before it flares up. It has helped that I am keeping a journal and every evening I write one thing that I did well today and one thing that I could have improved. By the fifth time I was writing "I should have controlled my temper better today" I was realizing that this is a pretty consistent issue I'm having, and that little bit of reflection has started coming in to my daily life and let me put a check on my anger before it comes out.

I am feeling alright today. It's a nice day out so I wish I wasn't at work - we're due for a mini-heatwave here in the UK apparently, and I would bet that this is the last really nice weather we're going to have for a long time. I hope it lasts until Friday when I get a week off. if I'm feeling good and having a good time with a co-worker later today during my shift I'm going to ask her out. I have no idea how she will respond. I'd like to think though that I won't be devastated if she says no. I'm past caring about that though - the way I'm feeling at the moment I won't be dissuaded by 100 rejections, I've been single for far too long and I feel like dating is way overdue for me.

If someone was coughing without a mask I would walk away. Primarily because that would be a possible cause of death to just stand there (covid levels are so high here and it's never going to go away with US policies).

If I see a kid who is like, less than 12 years old, I don't mind if they're not wearing a mask; they're shorter, naturally hyperactive, etc. But even kids can wear masks - why can't adults? It's insane. It drives me crazy.

I honestly am glad you get upset about things like that - it's not just your health, it's whoever is in a 6 foot radius of him who could get sick! So inconsiderate! I'm so glad you wear a mask.

Best of luck with asking her out man!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

urgh people coughing without a mask and not even covering their mouth is not on. it really is inconsiderate. i don't know how these people live with themselves. every time you go in an enclosed space without a mask you are putting untold lives at risk.

that journal idea is really good. i should try that. i tried to keep a diary in rehab and just after but eventually that tailed off. glad you're feeling alright anyway.

i'm worried that asking this girl out is setting yourself up for an excuse to relapse if she says no. leave it a week or two so you can think properly about your intentions, discuss it with other people in recovery. you're very emotionally vulnerable, and a relationship is a great way to distract yourself from the work you need to be doing on yourself.

i have gone from feeling optimistic to sad and empty (see recovery thread)

It happens, chinup! Sometimes all we can do is grit our teeth and hold on until our emotions go back to normal. I hope you do know that though - you won't feel sad & empty forever. Just hold on. Ride the wave. This too shall pass.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Thanks @captainheroin for the encouragement. @chinup I actually didn't read your post till today. It was good advice, but I read it too late. I asked her out last night and she said yes!! I am pretty pleased about it. In a crazy coincidence, a guy from work also started coming on to me today - apparently my Facebook says I'm exclusively interested in men. I never realised! I think it's the remnant of when my friends fucked with my Facebook back when I was 19. I told him I'm straight but that he's hot and if I was gay i'd be down for it. Those two things together though have really made me feel good about myself today, so I'm just riding that wave at the moment.

sorry to bother you chinup but I was actually hoping for a little advice maybe - I asked her if she wanted to get coffee sometime, but now I'm concerned she may think I just want to be friends with her. What would you assume if you were her? And how do I make it clear what I really want?? Would you recommend even doing that at all?? Would love your input!!

Hope you guys are doing OK.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hahaha i am honoured to be asked! tbh i'm not the best person to ask, i have been with the same person on and off since i was 16. in the off periods, pretty much every guy i got involved with i fucked before any sort of relationship was on the cards. then just keep doing it til we sort of were in a relationship by default. it has its advantages cos you don't get emotionally invested in men that are crap in bed.

i would be straight up with her and just say, 'i've asked you for coffee cos i fancy you, though don't expect anything else from you if you don't want that' cos chances are she is wandering exactly the same thing so you coming out with it will be a relief. we brits are terrible at communication. its awful when you don't know if someone fancies you. even if you don't fancy them, i've had guys that i actually wanna be friends with start paying attention to me and you wanna know if its cos you might be mates or if they're trying to get in your pants.

i am glad for you that she said yes. just take it easy, don't rush things. also prob don't tell her you're in recovery for a bit, if its someone you don't know very well, its very sensitive information you don't want coming out at work.

that is hilarious about your facebook lol. i'd probably put i was into women to avoid creepy men hitting on me.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

hahaha i am honoured to be asked! tbh i'm not the best person to ask, i have been with the same person on and off since i was 16. in the off periods, pretty much every guy i got involved with i fucked before any sort of relationship was on the cards. then just keep doing it til we sort of were in a relationship by default. it has its advantages cos you don't get emotionally invested in men that are crap in bed.

i would be straight up with her and just say, 'i've asked you for coffee cos i fancy you, though don't expect anything else from you if you don't want that' cos chances are she is wandering exactly the same thing so you coming out with it will be a relief. we brits are terrible at communication. its awful when you don't know if someone fancies you. even if you don't fancy them, i've had guys that i actually wanna be friends with start paying attention to me and you wanna know if its cos you might be mates or if they're trying to get in your pants.

i am glad for you that she said yes. just take it easy, don't rush things. also prob don't tell her you're in recovery for a bit, if its someone you don't know very well, its very sensitive information you don't want coming out at work.

that is hilarious about your facebook lol. i'd probably put i was into women to avoid creepy men hitting on me.

my British sensibilities recoiled in horror at being so open and direct!!! However, after thinking it over I must say that it makes complete, 100% sense. Why are we so stifled!??! I swear my instinct is to be like "Tell her I fancy her!?!? Outrageous!! A gentleman should be courting a lady for at least a year before he dares proffer that he admires her visage!! The affrontery!!!" but your suggestion is just SO MUCH EASIER. Let's see if I have the balls to do it when I'm actually with her. I think I'll say it as long as things are going well. If we're talking & laughing and I'm getting a good vibe then I'll find a way to work it in. Thanks for the advice tho!! & yeah I relate to the unconventional relationship pasts. At work the other day we were talking about how it can be hard to find a relationship, and I said "Yeah, I have no idea how it works. In the past I'd just have to be like "I've got a flat....and some crack....?" and they laughed, thinking it was just a ridiculous joke (because hahah of course Rio doesn't do crack hahaha that would be crazy hahahah....ha) - I knew they'd take it as a joke, but of course it was actually true. I get a weird kick out of admitting shit like that and have people take it as an obvious joke when it's the truth. On training day back from lockdown we were talking about how we'd spent it, and when I was asked I said "Heroin", and again the reaction was like "hahaha you're so silly....but seriously, what did you get up to?".

This has been a "bad" day today, but I put bad in quotations because I'm really hoping going forward most of my bad days will be like this. Days where things just aren't going my way and I'm a little irritable, rather than days where it's like the floor has opened up beneath me and I'm desperately holding on trying not to sink down into an endless black abyss. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, and then I got a letter from the council to say my fucking prissy cunt of a downstairs neighbour has complained about my noise, not for the first time. I honestly don't know what the fuck I'm doing that's bothering him. Does he expect me not to walk around my flat? Do I make too much noise opening and closing my oven door at night? What the fuck? I immediately ran downstairs and pounded his door, but thankfully he wasn't in, so I had a moment to compose myself then put a letter through his door with my phone number on it asking him to please call me if he has complaints, since I can't stop bothering him if I don't know what he's hearing. I have to call the council now in a couple of days, so I'm going to present my side of the story so they're not just hearing it all from him.

Other than that and just the general slightly bad mood I'm in, today has been OK. Went to the gym, got some contact lenses, did some of my course etc. How are you guys? @yubacity haven't heard from you in a while???

 

[Jabberwocky]

hahahaha yeah i know, it goes against our cultural sensibilities, but makes life so much easier!!! just get it out the way both of you will probably be agonising. i hope it goes ok anyway.

i used to joke about doing dark and light too, got a massive kick out of people thinking the absurdity was hilarious. its nice to know that its not obivious. to be fair i probably still tried that joke when i was worse than i thought, i'd go to parties and shit and then find out people had been asking about what was wrong with me cos i was so out of it, or get to the pub and only be able to sit in the corner nodding out or grinning like a mad woman.

fuck me your neighbour sounds like a cunt. to be fair when you are using you are up all night and that is very disruptive to people around, even if you don't think you were making noise when you were out of it, you probably were. but they do exaggerate too. like my neighbours in norwich were getting very upset about the noise i was making coming and going in the night, which is fair enough. they did call the council making antisocial behaviour complaints. but when my parents came to cart me off to rehab they said i had had an all night party the night before. i had not!!! i had had one person there cooking up speedballs with way too much dark in so was unconscious most of the night. i guess they have to exaggerate to get sympathy and stuff but its fucking annoying.

i'm exhausted after all this job stuff. no work today, watching the boys on prime but on the last episode now.