Thanks for all the replies, here’s my update, but first of all, a bit of context and history:
I work oversea and live on a secure compound (what I describe as a five-star prison camp), I’m not allowed to leave except to go to work every day, I’ve been out here since January and the pandemic struck just as I was about to have some time off. So I’ve been stuck here for the past 9 months, we have a limited bar and restaurant but all the other facilities are closed and lots of people have left, so the place is pretty dead.
I have a bag of blue 10mg valium at home (UK) and I must have had them about 3-4yrs. I’ve took one or two now on occasion when I come across them, but thought nothing of it, but then I guess I’m not home long to really get on them. I also usually have some zop/ambien with me here and use them now and again if I’m having sleepless nights or my pattern gets messed up, I ran out of those in March, no big deal to me.
So I’ve been pretty bored, missing home and the family, fed up of TV, walking round camp, no social life and miss my cars (I love cars). So I bought more zops online and sent them to the house in UK, I also saw some other meds, Xanax, etc and thought I’d try them too. So I sent a bunch of benzos with the zops to try when I got home. Over here last month I found a source for a few zop which is handy as I don’t like bringing them in my suitcase, so I also asked about the other stuff and ended up with a few benzos to try out here.
So I started on the benzos and they’ve been good, I think the last month has definitely gone quicker than any other! But all I’ve really been doing is using Erowid as a source for experience reports, not really finding much out about them, after all I’ve had the valium for years at home and I’ve never been “hooked”. As for the zops, I just find them convenient and are used infrequently. Tbh the most I’ve used them is when dieting, because not eating at night is a quick way to lose weight, so going to bed hungry means I can’t sleep, so zop usually helps with that until I’m used to it, which is primarily why I was seeking them out this time. I’ve never had any issues stopping them and never craved them, which probably explains my nonchalance for benzos.
I had already started reading up a bit on benzos last week, but until dalpat077 gave me his post and described the dosage pattern, alarm bells started ringing. I’ve been thinking Wed and WE only for the last few weeks, but it hasn’t gone like that! So I read up on the link he sent. “I’ve got this” those 3 words were echoing in my head the minute I pressed send, with a nagging doubt “Have I?” I was already craving more and spent the next few hours craving to take some xanax, I eventually took ½ a zop around 1am and put myself out of my misery, but the psychological connection was quite clear and I was worried. Because if I hadn’t had it pointed out to me, I would have used that night, no doubt. I have never smoked, so I guess this is my first experience of what craving feels like.
So Tuesday I fired up excel and set about analyzing my recent intake, counted what I had left and worked out how many I had taken and when, it was quite clear I was heading down the wrong path. Also that I was starting to build tolerance and my dosages and frequency were increasing. It was at this point I realized these are definitely not for me. So Tuesday night I got home, then the depression hit, I couldn’t stay in the house and I felt down. I went to the restaurant and ordered a pizza even though I didn’t want it and sat in the bar with a coke, had a moan to the barman, but all he wanted to do was sell me a drink! No thanks! On the plus-side, I experienced no craving. So I get home, mope about, feel a bit better after talking with the wife (not about this she’ll kill me) then fell asleep unassisted. This is the 3rd time in my life I have experienced depression, once was fleeting for about an hour, the other was etizolam a few weeks back (I binned those quick), so this is not something I’m used to experiencing and it was very tangible.
Wednesday was fine, I started reading more and got into all the addiction/withdrawal stories which scared me a lot! so Wednesday night I was feeling uneasy and afraid and anxious, not the usual panic anxious that I get infrequently (pretty much what ended my clubbing days), but a more “what have I done” anxious, expecting myself to turn into a frantic madman at any moment and rip the cupboard door off its hinges and bash some xanny’s. I ended up tossing and turning all night again and ended up taking ½ a zop around 1am.
Thursday was fine again (I haven’t been looking forward to work like this for ages!), I started to look at wider issues, read more stories. At this point I realized I was going to be ok and that I wouldn’t take any again, but “never say never”. I figured the odd one now and again might be ok, as they are pretty pointless to take for any duration due to tolerance anyway. But, that night, I got home and read two stories, one was a successful business man with a poppy tea addiction that he had for 15 years and hid from his family (3 daughters like me), the other was a guy who took one etizolam and he was addicted. Well that’s one of the bloody benzos I’ve got at home, so that made me angry and I thought “sod this”, they’re going, decision made. So, I got my stash, crushed them into dust and suspended them in a cheap whisky I bought ages ago that tasted like crap. It felt good pulverizing them, but took bloody ages as I had 1000 5mg valium/paracetamol (yes, weird, see my other thread). Soon as I finished (arm was killing), I went and put the TV on and one of the cruise firms has posted big losses, that really pissed me off as I have shares in a recovery fund with them and now it’s down, so I’m bloody furious (I was going to move them last week), I make this weird connection in my head and blame the Xanax! I was also getting pissed off that my recent plans of taking them while I’m here isn’t going to work, so it’s back to the boring bloody camp again, lots of thoughts going off in my head, so I get my shorts on and start walking round camp because I’m seething. Ended up doing like 12000 steps, but I calmed down and managed to sort things through in my head, I also bumped into one of the girls who works in the camp shop and she cheered me up no end (no not a source! Lol) so felt much better after talking with her.
Got home and turned off BlueLight, went back to my other hobbies online, motoring forums, looking at my ebay searches, browsing cars etc and felt pretty much normal, no craving, no anger, just my usual self, in fact it felt good to be interested in those things again, it’s like I forgot I had other things in my life. Picked up my book that I haven’t touched in ages and started reading. When I tried to sleep I began thinking this forum update through in my head and what I would write, which again caused me some insomnia so I killed it again with ½ a zop. Maybe I’m tapering with these I don’t know! Infact the whole experience has got me questioning whether I’m addicted to those, so I don’t think I’ll be buying anymore once these run out. At the moment they appear to be helping, which is good.
This morning, I tipped the whisky/benzo mix into the ant's nest forming outside my house and thought “that’ll teach them”, I checked before I got on the bus to work and they were busy carrying out big lumps of benzo/apap so doesn’t appear to have affected them much.
So there we are, I’m done for benzos. Plan now is to dispose of my stash in the UK when I get back, I was thinking of telling the wife to bin them, but she’ll just start asking questions, so I’ll sort it when I get back, I don’t think she really knows what they are, but I know she doesn’t like them, but she does like the odd night out/blowout like I do. She’s also zopped before but doesn’t take them because we have 3 small children and she wants to be able to wake if needed too.
Think I’ll just stick to what I know. All the other stuff I’ve mentioned has a built it repugnance due to come-down, so there’s no chance of me going on any weekend warrior style clubbing binges like I did when I was younger. If I take them nowadays, I need a day to recover and don’t want to touch them after, so I’m not worried about them. But benzos, they’re different and can’t help but think I dodged a bullet there, so thanks BL. Special mention to dalpat077, I sent him a personal thankyou as I think his timely intervention really spelled out a few things and made me take stock of my situation. I was very ignorant of the dangers, likely due to my non-dependence on the valium I have at home, but out here, with time on my hands and nothing to do, I was getting hooked, that’s pretty clear (and frightening).
If I was to take some positives out the experience, well 1. is the experience itself, that was quite a month compared to all the rest this year! 2. I know what addiction is and how quickly it can happen 3. I’ve also had a pretty sharp lesson in mental health issues, this pandemic has a lot to answer for, I’m sure there are plenty of other people in similar situations like myself, but without the fortune of a hand on their shoulder. Maybe one day I can pay that back to someone else. As I’m sitting here writing this, thinking back to the very real mental craving of throwing a few Xanax down, it’s not something I’ve experienced before and that was just 1 day, plus the self-realization and feeling of depression, can only imagine what a couple of weeks WD would be like. At this moment in time, I feel a bit turned off towards the whole getting high thing, I don’t even feel glad/upset that I threw out my stash, I just don’t feel anything, total apathy. I think I’ll stay off here for a while and stop scaring myself with the user experiences, I just want to put this whole sorry episode behind me! So thanks again everyone. Cheers.
