I have a few, 'enjoyable / comical' psychosis stories from the start of my habit. But believing funny shit, like the whole city I was in was all accepting of meth and was a cartoon once you've you've 'accepted' into it. Or my perception of this camper I was laying in was floating down a river and every bump felt like a pleasant tingly sensation. Yeah, some meth heads like to play fun with this, especially if you're gullible like I was. Here's some of the darkest shit that.. just unexplainable what it can do. My brain is still deciding if it'll be one of the "he was never the same again" meth users. even months sober before I relapsed yesterday (to focus on mundane no lifing Runescape, which supplies my drugs, and not what I'm about about say.) 2nd night rn.. knowing if I push too the 3rd.. Yeah. Meth really can fuck you over. I cant solve it.
I believed a bunch of people I know, from ex girlfriends too best friends.. even my parents, were trying too push me too kill myself. For months I 24 7 heard their voices laughing at the junkie I had become. I heard these people laughing and mocking about everything from me being raped too laughing at me while I'm literally praying and bawling that I hated meth. In an attempt to beg these voices that I'd quit if they'd 'allow' me to attempt cold turkey and getting a job, being normal. I quit cold turkey btw. The replies would be that the entire world hates me and wants me to die. I still can't go into public, again months sober, bc of how real this was for a year and a half. I just want to get a haircut... If I could, just a haircut.. I'd be happier than a hot rail. Swear to God.
Before that, I would heard my parents being tortured and raped by my brother and the dude I was 'dating' cause it was that or be homeless. Imagine.. hearing your mother say while crying "they threw rocks at me." The realistic emotion behind her words.. I was sexually assaulted, a few times which is why I made sure to use too always be awake and alert. Meth took me to a house where if you do your occasional 1/2 day crash, you could be standing in a grocery store and out of nowhere.. sperm ejects from your butt. Yeah. In no way is that to sound a joke in any way. Waking up too someone ya know uh.. You get it.
Don't forget, your a meth head. If you're tweaking, especially too people who luckily haven't experienced meth, no matter what you are bawling too your parents trying to avoid a full explanation of what's going on, you can't leave thus situation unless you go to rehab. Or can go any length of time without any 'out there' pleas for someone to believe you.
My situation, I was working at a car wash with a 'roomate' that was stealing my paychecks by switching out MY routing and whatever form for direct deposits, too his cash app. I call my boss like.. where's my money why haven't I been paid?! Until they ignored me. "If i was stealing your money, I'd do it right in front of you." I got so mad and wanted too make a statement as too how bothered I was always waiting for a paycheck to be able to leave that hell.. I took a razor blade to my wrist twice in front of this dude. He proceeded to bitch that he'd had to to buy gauze and an ace bandage. I honestly didn't think it'd open my arm as much as it did but. Yay meth.
If you have real trauma, or even strong enough fears, meth can fucking amplify in its own ugly evil way.
Another incident that won't leave my mind is this dude holding this mirror that had a guy with a magnifying glass, with the words "some or us look closer than others." He told me to hold it against the wall, and I remember thinking I seen my mom. There's no way to explain the state and condition the look on her face was.. Her eyes looked as if she had already begged for death. The first and only time I experienced anything that without words or explanation, said the ugliest, saddest..
Wanna know how I got out of that situation? The police officers who would commonly have to come out to my 'episodes' that refused to arrest even me, (they believed I genuinely had a mental condition.) There was one officer who had shown up too a welfare check my mother called in, seen me before ever meeting this person or absuing meth to the extent I did. He wouldn't ever arrest me. I tried so many times. I vandalized the where I worked (my 'boss' I knew would try to press charges.) I walked into this gas station place called Casey's, went behind the deli counter destroying everything screaming I wasn't going to stop and fuck everybody YadaYada, kicked in every door in an apartment building.. etc.
We were staying in a camper cause this person wasn't allowed around their mom who we stayed with over am incident where he hit her with a 2x4..
When he'd go anywhere, he'd put a padlock on the camper door so I couldn't leave. I was maybe 100lbs so after an incident where for the millionth time I'm reacting too non stop psychosis, hatred for this person, him egging it on.. he threw a fire extinguisher at me so i threw it back and was in one of my "I'm going to do whatever my brain wants cause ignoring it was just not possible" (usually when id try to get arrested or purposely break or trash anything around me. Freak out. I had a hatred for phones and electronics cause I had been told there's a website all about trying to grt me to kill myself, and believing the usual meth user camera paranoia with the extra suicide goal attached with it..) But he went to get cigarettes and I tried kicking the lock off the hinge, then managed too pop the windows out and climb out. I went to the police station, said "I cant do this anymore." And they bought me a bus ticket home.
With a cop calling my mom saying "yeah now would be a good time to take him from the situation he's in" or whatever, she sort of couldn't say no. This officer made the DMV give me a paper copy of an ID after they had already closed, by the way without any hassle on not having any required shit to get the ID. Paid for a taxi to take me to a bus station, bought the ticket and I was finally away. Not that the psychological effects or addiction was staying there..
I never once 'snitched' on this dude. I never, still now, haven't fully described or even deciphered what was real and what wasn't on some things experienced there.
Wanna know why and how people "never are the same again?"
It doesn't matter what is real and what was hillicinated or just in your mind.. You can't undo the reactions, guilt, confusion, shame... Reactions too 'hell' for lack of an adjective to describe what I'm trying to say. You lived it, real or not. Your body and your mind has had to deal with situations meth abuse can lead you into or make you believe.
I'll never truly know.. Nobody will admit if they sexually assaulted or mentally tortured someone.
As well as the ones I mentioned above, I believed I was kidnapped and guinely remember having to heal for a week in bed from it. I remember having meth injected all over my body because I threw a fit I couldn't hit and dude could easily and kept describing how he felt and I wanted that feeling. (IV meth BURNS if you miss a vein. You know that's what is burning your skin.)
Honestly, did I imagine that? Doesn't matter. I cant tell anybody, even in a safe therapy type setting to heal cause my brain will not, it cannot discuss in any way these situations. It's trained itself not too or I face consequences. Usually 3-7 day psych ward stays.
Stay the fuck away from meth. I 'loved' this drug. I accepted in my first few months of using that I wouldn't mind if it killed me. I'm high rn.. Justifying my use because I dream about this shit and relive things that spark my brain to seek comfort or 'feel good.' Guess what it wants, and at the same time is screaming no no no. Can't describe it.
To be blunt.. I get scared or exhausted from my sober brain trying to conceal this shit. Plus the damage from meth ontop of it.. Clinging too "I'm 18 months my brain can recover and go back to normal."
When I decide I no longer care about anything besides escaping dreaming or my head having constant intrusive thoughts that sabotage myself.
Again, having to act externally fine so I'm not subject for a psych ward or a 'consequence'. This is usually where thoughts of suicide become calming bc death = no mind no brain no this.
Im scared to die, I have a problem with risking going to hell. Plus, since my delusions were my friends egging me to do this, contimating or weighing suicide as an option or out can bring on some of the psychological shit if I can't go thru with it.
I give in, same time scared asf and disappointed and angry I know I'm going to use so for 1/2 days I can zone out on mundane shit. Usually making beats or playing runescape.
And that's where I am right now. 2nd night tonight, it's morning so I know I'll just stay up. But if tonight, I'm still up. Yeah, psychosis.
I feel like I'm fighting my hardest to avoid accepting ill 'never being the same again,' and hoping I can keep it internalized for my lifetime and I can act like the me who I was before this.
Like I said.. I know some of the delusions are just that. I know I did experienced some negative shit, but don't know, see what I mean...? If I wouldn't have ever decided to do meth, NONE of this would be my life.