Stimulants Meth aftershok and strange Coffee symptoms

[hungryman52]

I smoked, ate and shot meth and some heroin for quite some time, I have been sober for 2 years now, minus 2 small incidents which I hugely regreted directly after.
The first one it had been just over a year and I snorted two lines, I was up all night and then had to work the next day coming down and I hated every minute of it, there was of course the initial high I was awake talkative and happy enough, but then as I was walking home I was so angry and disapointed with myself and then I couldn't sleep and I had to go to work the next day with no sleep and coming down off what I know was some terrible quality meth as I had never had a comedown quite like it (dry mouth, sweaty palms, teeth grinding, a ponding headache, extreme anxiety and the want to vomit).
The second time was maybe 2 moths later and I smoked it (A huge part of my addiction had been the ritual of smoking, I still get jittery thinking about rolling the bowl and blowing out that huge cloud of smoke, OMG I feel the cravings!!!) once again I was awake and talkative, I drove home and got into bed with my girlfriend and told her what I had done, she wasnt particularly bothered and kinda wanted to fuck me as I can go for hours when I am high and she met me when I was still high. I was so angry and disapointed with myself again, that and I was coming down off what was evidently once again some of the worst shit I had ever had. (thats what I get for sharing in someone elses stash 2 different people, same location). I was unable to perform due to how angry I was with myself, to the disapointment of my girl who proceeded to massage me and other thing to try and calm me. Luckily I did not have to work the next day this time and this knowledge ironically helped me to sleep it off before daylight. once again I was horribly anxious dry and sweaty and I just wanted to die to be totally honest.... or shrink into a small hole and never come out again my self esteem was so low and I just wanted it to end. Both times I was heavily inder the influence of alcohol so I am sure that was part of why I felt so crapy the next day.
I have avoided meth since and I have had no will to do it, I still want to roll a bowl and blow out that glorious cloud, but I no longer crave the feeling meth brings me after the last two times. Although I don't really have an addictive personality... other than alcohol I seem to be able to start and stop anything, I quit smokeng maybe 4 months after I quit meth, I still smoke a cigarette every couple of weeks or so sometimes for a week sometimes not for a month, it really depends on who I am around or what I am doing. Heroin for me was pretty easy to drop as I only smoked it and I rarely ever smoked it as I don't really like downers... at all, no pills, no heroin, no weed, no xanax.
Anyway back to the point, now I am sober I drink like a fish.... so I guess im not sober.... although I am now down to a sixpack a night for the past three days. Since I stopped smoking meth I have noticed my ability to remember things is severely diminished, even simple things like what I was just talking about a few seconds ago, sometimes my girlfriend says I talk to myself and when she asks me what I was talking about I have 0 recollection of what the fuck I was doing, its like I just drift off sometimes. It is incredibly hard for me to focus on anything for more than half an hour, (my sex drive hasn't changed much, if at all though, which is good I guess) my vocabulary has diminished immensely and words I used to use regularly are as good as gone forever to me, by mid day I am completely brain dead unless I drink a fuck ton of coffee which brings me to the second and shorter half of this already longer than was expected post.
Coffee, coffee, coffee it brings me back to life, I can stay focused alert awake I am able to remember things it puts a spring in my step and keeps me alert like I used to be, infact it makes me feel like I am high on meth, but then I have a horrible comedown I get anxious sweaty palms, sick to the stomach, and I mean really anxious, like I just can't sit still and the longer I fight it the more anxious I get till I find myself practically tweaking out around the house, the first few times I actually thought someone had spiked my coffe with meth and still when I am coming down I get paranoid about somebody having spike my drink with meth, even when I buy coffee from starbucks. I know it is irrational, but I feel like I am coming down off meth so much that even now I am wondering if I keep getting unlucky with where I am getting my coffee. I am even grinding my teeth. and fiddling with a tennis ball every time I stop typing to think (i just realized it).
I need coffee in order to function like a normal human beeing but the comedown is killing me, its almost to the point where I may as well just be smoking meth, I even feel like I need to hide myself away when I am coming down cause I feel like people might think I am high on meth. I can't sleep and I have to drink myself to sleep. It feels like an endless cycle.
My question is, does anybody else suffer from this, is there a good replacement for caffeine? Am I doing something wrong? WTF can I do to get my life back? I just want my brain to be the way it was, to be able to recall facts right away and keep up with a conversation for more than a couple of minutes....

 

[hungryman52]

wow thats a long post, I am gnna leave it liike this for now but I will probably just remove the 2 paragraphs about the last two times I smoked so people can actually finnish this without falling asleep.

 

[Ray86]

Well I found it interesting enough to read the whole thing so props on the writing. I didn't even have to go back and re-read anything which is saying something because my attention span is that if a goldfish anymore.
I'm wondering if you're experiencing something similar to what I believe happened to me. Not with meth though, with an antidepressant. I know it sounds like it couldn't possibly be similar with the MAJOR difference in those drugs but hear me out. About 2 maybe 3 years ago, I was put in mirtazapine for depression. I noticed almost right away that it was causing me to wake up to a panic attack every morning without fail. At the time, it was the first antidepressant I was put on to even come close to helping my depression so I decided it was worth the trade off (I was wrong). I stayed on that shit drug up until a few months ago. Even though I stopped taking it and it should be out of my system, I still wake up with a panic attack every single morning. The only sense I've been able to make of it is that the drug trained my brain to automatically wake that way. As though my brain thinks it's just a natural part of waking up. Does it make sense to say, "my brain thinks"? Anyways, do you think it's possible that this reaction to the come down of any stimulant had become a sort of natural reflex? Might at least be worth entertaining the idea. And if it is, I would assume (and hope for my sake as well) that that would mean it will fade with time. Well good luck with this. I hope you get through this soon

 

[hungryman52]

Huh thats an interesting theory. it makes sense that long periods of repetition would cause your brain to be programmed to react to certain things in certain ways. If that is the case I wonder what the time period for recovery would be, I assume it would differ from person to person and drug to drug, but I wonder if maybe it could be permanent, or at least incredibly difficult to overcome. Like PTSD, something I suffer almost daily, I clung to the drug world almost to my death. I made alot of mistakes and went through some intense shit. I was even tortured and shown my grave literally. There are certain movies, like gang movies, movies about drugs, or dealing, or even mentioning drugs can give me intense flashbacks of all the stupid shit that happened, sometimes I lay awake at night with these immages flashing through my brain for hours. Hence why I drink myself to sleep.... I see no way of overcoming this issue other than simply avoiding anything that stimulates these flashbacks. In the case of feeling like I am coming down off meth I would have to avoid all stimulants... and you would have to avoid waking up or sleeping maybe we should switch places you smoke meth and I take Mirtazapine. Just kidding.
But the thought that this could be a form of PTSD is not good. As far as I understand overcoming PTSD takes some intensive therapy, something which I have no will or money for. Not to mention avoiding coffee for me is like avoiding beeing a functioning human beeing.
In your case avoiding waking up is like avoiding beeing alive. Your case does really sound like PTSD, I don't know about your brain beeing trained to wake up in this way, but maybe the fear of waking up to a panic attack is causing you to wake up with a panic attack. Thaat sounds like an incredibly difficult cycle to break. I wonder if maybe eating some weed consumables just before you go to bed would help your brain to stay calm, (Consumables can last for hours, long enough for you to wake up a little buzzed but still able to function the next day) I am not a fan of weed for recreation, (like I said I am more of an upper) but its medical properties are undeniable.
Now that I am thinking about it all (at 2am, waiting for my coffee high to die down and wondering why the hell I decided to try not drinking any alcohol tonight). I wonder if maybe understanding that this theory is infact the problem and then telling yourself over and over when you wake up, that you are panicking because you are afraid of panicking, almost like a mantra. Maybe if you try that every morning just repeat it to yourself in a way that makes sense to you. (I have only had 2 real panick attacks where my joints locked up and I was unable to see clearly or think clearly, or breathe, but I remember I was able to repeat why, why, why, why over again in my brain) I guess a panick attack is pretty much you going over something in your brain over and over and you break through once you break the cycle... or pass out.
So my point is I know it wont be easy, but maybe if while you are suffering from your panick attack yoou just repeat to yourself something like "I am only panicking because my brain thinks I should" or something that make sense to you and maybe you can train your brain to accept this as a truth and overcome your morning attacks... after some time....
I am still grinding my teeth, I don't know why I feel so high. It really feels like someone spiked my drink with meth, my heart is beating so fast and loud I can hear it and my mouth is dry no matter how much water I drink and my plams are sweaty and I can't stop fidgeting, maybe I just need to repeat to my body that I am not high on meth and it will chill the fuck out.
Well thank you for your reply, it gave me alot to think about.