Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

[LordOfThisWorld]

I feel a lot better today then I did yesterday, weird how your mind reacts.

 

[fyrehydrant]

I wish I could be rid of this forever, I don't think I can endure this rapid cycling much more...

 

[Bumblebear]

Feel like a empty pit of despair
I have like no friends anymore because tons of people were toxic or ended up being disgusting creeps and lost my job I didn't like due to late drs note and now my DOC and method I kinda ruined being extremely suicidal past few months again and I don't know why but I just can't bring myself to start on my meds cause I've been here so many times before and I know suffering is only temporary and apparently being medicated I always come back here
Shrugs hope others feel better

 

[n3ophy7e]

It seems to be legal and available in Australia. The Australian Institute of Sport recommends it to its athletes and there is even a clinical trial for its efficacy in preventing ongoing psychosis after an initial episode in young people.

That is really cool! I might get some and try it. At the very start of this year I had the beginning stage of cirrhosis due to my alcoholism and drug abuse, so any help the ol' liver can get is very welcomed! (my liver enzymes are now back in the normal ranges though, phew )

I feel a lot better today then I did yesterday, weird how your mind reacts.

Very good to hear Ozzy! I hope you continue to feel better

I wish I could be rid of this forever, I don't think I can endure this rapid cycling much more...

What's going on man? Talk to us Are you on any meds? Do you see a therapist?

Feel like a empty pit of despair
I have like no friends anymore because tons of people were toxic or ended up being disgusting creeps and lost my job I didn't like due to late drs note and now my DOC and method I kinda ruined being extremely suicidal past few months again and I don't know why but I just can't bring myself to start on my meds cause I've been here so many times before and I know suffering is only temporary and apparently being medicated I always come back here
Shrugs hope others feel better

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling right now @Bumblebear . I would recommend that you start taking your meds again and see how you feel once they've kicked in. Have the meds helped you before?

 

[fyrehydrant]

Yeah I'm on a ton of meds but I can't seem to be able to stabilize on something, I'm not sure what I want from my meds and treatment anymore....

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

Yeah I'm on a ton of meds but I can't seem to be able to stabilize on something, I'm not sure what I want from my meds and treatment anymore....

How fast do you cycle?

I've been thinking for a year now that I cycle so fast, every day, sometimes multiple times a day, but I've been misidentifying many things as what I now believe is ADHD, leading to massive chaos and mood swings especially under stress, but there's probably some bipolar under there too.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

That is really cool! I might get some and try it. At the very start of this year I had the beginning stage of cirrhosis due to my alcoholism and drug abuse, so any help the ol' liver can get is very welcomed! (my liver enzymes are now back in the normal ranges though, phew )


Very good to hear Ozzy! I hope you continue to feel better


What's going on man? Talk to us Are you on any meds? Do you see a therapist?


I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling right now @Bumblebear . I would recommend that you start taking your meds again and see how you feel once they've kicked in. Have the meds helped you before?

Thank you Neo, lots of love you way sister.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

As for myself, I feel lost, I've given up on actually having myself in hand, luckily I've got no real responsibilities for a couple weeks. Had a (hypo)manic episode last week, fucked some things up but nothing that can't be undone. Ever since the realization came that I most likely just have pretty severe ADHD, I've been looking stuff up about it and the possible bipolar comorbidity a lot. The ADHD... my whole life makes sense, and especially the past two years. I cannot recall much from my childhood but I was having much of the same "symptoms" for sure, and I have 100s of examples now that I just never realized weren't normal since my life is my only reference point.

Tonight I couldn't even eat a meal, it ended up taking me close to an hour, with all the pacing, and anxiety from the insane energy, absolutely mad, I went on a 3 hour walk afterwards. Previously I thought that was hypomania/some weird mixed episodes, but it's not. I hope there's no bipolar disorder under there messing with my mood, I am unsure, since I think pretty much all my hypomanic episodes were at least initiated by drugs but I mean I've taken quite a bit of drugs soo.... And I definitely experience some very depressive days sometimes, but never longer than a week. Difficult to distinguish all this from what is the bane of my life (ADHD). I hope to be able to convince my psychiatrist that this is what was messing with me most all that time, because everything makes so much sense because of it.

Makes sense too given how I react to certain drugs, but I'm kind of a fiend for anything amphetamine so I just forgot how low doses affected me, I also fell asleep an hour into Ritalin once, nicotine calms me down, caffeine is more difficult but hard hitting energy drinks can hit the spot and can be a sigh of relief, but not always.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

I feel a hell of a lot better after re-starting a small dose of Abilify and Seroquel. About half what I am prescribed. It seems to have killed the skin-crawling withdrawal effects I was feeling.

How do you feel about antipsychotics now that you're going off them?

In my mind they are not a long term solution and don't see how they ever can be + all their side effects. I'm sure there are some mood stabilizing effects after a while, but they're so insanely imposing on your headspace, difference is night and day. I've taken Abilify and Zyprexa both three times and I couldn't hate it more. Especially with my affinity for psychedelics, and "clear" thinking, I couldn't hate it more. I hope it never gets to a point where APs are my only option.

 

[Jabberwocky]

How do you feel about antipsychotics now that you're going off them?

In my mind they are not a long term solution and don't see how they ever can be + all their side effects. I'm sure there are some mood stabilizing effects after a while, but they're so insanely imposing on your headspace, difference is night and day. I've taken Abilify and Zyprexa both three times and I couldn't hate it more. Especially with my affinity for psychedelics, and "clear" thinking, I couldn't hate it more. I hope it never gets to a point where APs are my only option.

Yep. I feel exactly the same way. I think Abilify was crucial at one stage in one stage of my life and improved my quality of life 200 % for a couple of years.

But that life involved a buttoned down, moderate, risk avoidant, serious version of me which left a lot of my interesting and amusing traits locked in a box somewhere.

Now I want to see whether I can be interesting and amusing with no AP’s but not be so far out there that I scare, disgust or alienate most normal people. I still don’t want to be average or normal though I thought I did when I started the AP’s but I was working off a low base and was extremely dysfunctional then.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

I think Abilify was crucial at one stage in one stage of my life and improved my quality of life 200 % for a couple of years.

I see. But indeed not a long term solution. I think many psychiatrists just don't know very well what they're doing when it comes to these things, which I understand, and it's probably in everyone's interest if they appear to be knowing what they're doing.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I see. But indeed not a long term solution. I think many psychiatrists just don't know very well what they're doing when it comes to these things, which I understand, and it's probably in everyone's interest if they appear to be knowing what they're doing.

They certainly NEVER consider planning to take you off the drugs at some stage as part of the decision to prescribe them.

 

[fyrehydrant]

How fast do you cycle?

I've been thinking for a year now that I cycle so fast, every day, sometimes multiple times a day, but I've been misidentifying many things as what I now believe is ADHD, leading to massive chaos and mood swings especially under stress, but there's probably some bipolar under there too.

Been trying to convince my therapist that its ADHD yet somehow I fit the profile of Mixed Mania more than ADHD for some reason,
I used to cycle twice a week maybe, sometimes more, on the bad days its many times during the same day
Risperidone has stabilized my cycling but now I'm either "normal" or depressed, no more energy or a little bit of mania to help me get through things which I find absolutely bad.
Tomorrow I'll be starting Xeplion/Invega shots which are supposedly better than what I'm taking right now, but I'm afraid of it to say the least...

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

Been trying to convince my therapist that its ADHD yet somehow I fit the profile of Mixed Mania more than ADHD for some reason,
I used to cycle twice a week maybe, sometimes more, on the bad days its many times during the same day
Risperidone has stabilized my cycling but now I'm either "normal" or depressed, no more energy or a little bit of mania to help me get through things which I find absolutely bad.
Tomorrow I'll be starting Xeplion/Invega shots which are supposedly better than what I'm taking right now, but I'm afraid of it to say the least...

Mate, read that Invega thread on here first, I linked it in the other thread.

I too cycle many times a week and often during the same day. Are you sure that it's mixed mania? I literally thought this for a year as did my psychiatrist who is clearly clueless and prescribed me Abilify and later Zyprexa for sleep (which is crucial for me), but now I'm so convinced that it was mainly ADHD. Bipolar disorders are quite often comorbid with ADHD, there's a lot of reading on the internet, and you might find some helpful practical info on reddit or something where people describe their lives and symptoms, misdiagnoses happen often. I strongly believe that the ADHD symptoms are my main killer that often make it impossible to function from day to day, even when I don't have anything to do, work and school was a disaster. It's also possible that you have both. I don't want to give medical advice here, but I doubt that APs like Invega will be a long term solution and actually improve quality of life. You're welcome to hit me up via PM and talk symptoms and other shit because this is all very new to me and I'm learning on the go, but the more time goes by the clearer that view gets, there's a chance we're in similar shit.

 

[fyrehydrant]

Mate, read that Invega thread on here first, I linked it in the other thread.

I too cycle many times a week and often during the same day. Are you sure that it's mixed mania? I literally thought this for a year as did my psychiatrist who is clearly clueless and prescribed me Abilify and later Zyprexa for sleep (which is crucial for me), but now I'm so convinced that it was mainly ADHD. Bipolar disorders are quite often comorbid with ADHD, there's a lot of reading on the internet, and you might find some helpful practical info on reddit or something where people describe their lives and symptoms, misdiagnoses happen often. I strongly believe that the ADHD symptoms are my main killer that often make it impossible to function from day to day, even when I don't have anything to do, work and school was a disaster. It's also possible that you have both. I don't want to give medical advice here, but I doubt that APs like Invega will be a long term solution and actually improve quality of life. You're welcome to hit me up via PM and talk symptoms and other shit because this is all very new to me and I'm learning on the go, but the more time goes by the clearer that view gets, there's a chance we're in similar shit.

I am convinced that I've got comorbid Bipolar and ADHD, however it is extremely hard here to be diagnosed with ADHD, let alone comorbid one..
Believe it or not even children are getting misdiagnosis just because there is some kind of belief here that ADHD doesn't exist or some shit idk..

Even if I get diagnosed with ADHD my options are rather limited, the only two medications available are Atomoxetine (which has been withdrawn from the market this year) and Clonidine, both are not stimulants and there are no stimulants available here....

TLDR: I'm fucked

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

I am convinced that I've got comorbid Bipolar and ADHD, however it is extremely hard here to be diagnosed with ADHD, let alone comorbid one..
Believe it or not even children are getting misdiagnosis just because there is some kind of belief here that ADHD doesn't exist or some shit idk..

Even if I get diagnosed with ADHD my options are rather limited, the only two medications available are Atomoxetine (which has been withdrawn from the market this year) and Clonidine, both are not stimulants and there are no stimulants available here....

TLDR: I'm fucked

That's insane. The fact that your psych went to Invega so fast shows he is fucking clueless. Afaik Invega is only given to bipolar patients whose mania gets so bad that they are a danger to themselves and the people around them, possibly with psychotic features.
Without stimulant medication yeah..... it would've been hard either way to get prescribed any, since they can induce manic episodes. Research showed that patients need to be stable first before introducing ADHD meds. For mood stabilization you probably need a mood stabilizer, there are tons. Not at all an anti psychotic that as I said earlier probably never is a long term "solution" and should be used as a sort of last resort, in my limited opinion.

What I would do when you have a next appointment, prepare really well, write everything you want to say down, ordered in bullet points or something.
List the official ADHD symptoms (like impulsivity, hyperactivity, inability to concentrate etc...), show that you suffer from all of these, not just a little because everyone does sometimes, but chronically and very extreme. Then also try to show that these symptoms were already apparent as a kid. Make her well aware that you are not there for some script, but that you want the diagnosis as a first step for a more fruitful life. The rapid mixed mania mood swings are impossible to explain by even ultra rapid bipolar cycling, provide research where necessary, they are still cyclic in nature and it doesn't make sense with what you experience every day.
What helped me in realizing all this is that true mania and also mixed mania is quite different from the chronic ADHD symptoms. And they are made worse by never really being at a true baseline, but rather fluctuating between (hypo)mania and depression, not really reaching the extremes but dangling somewhere in between, like a little hypomanic, somewhat depressed etc.....
Next I would present her with papers on comorbid bipolar ADHD, show how prevalent it is. These papers will say that a mood stabilizer first, then a stimulant or atomexetine later. If they're withdrawn and illegal, then yeah...... But then you have at least have a proper diagnosis, and can go from there.

I think it's fucking criminal that your psych just convinces you to give you the strongest fucking AP off the bat by like saying it's a good thing, and it shows that they don't have a clue and don't give a fuck. I am absolutely disgusted, NOT a solution. Normally they'd go for Lithium, but Lithium is not done with ultra rapid cycling patients, because the cycling can get worse after you get off it. But this is so exceedingly rare, and the more obvious diagnosis is ADHD. This is exactly my situation, luckily I have some more options here. I'll be convincing my psych in similar ways.

You might be fucked yeah, but I'm sure a mood stabilizer could help quite a bit, and then you're left with unmedicated ADHD which is of course also hell. But we age and we learn. Stay strong and take care man. Hope the Invega shots help (?) and if not you can quickly get rid of it. Do check in sometime if you like.

This might be a little all over the place, but energy is raging through me, which is a given these days.

 

[fyrehydrant]

That's insane. The fact that your psych went to Invega so fast shows he is fucking clueless. Afaik Invega is only given to bipolar patients whose mania gets so bad that they are a danger to themselves and the people around them, possibly with psychotic features.
Without stimulant medication yeah..... it would've been hard either way to get prescribed any, since they can induce manic episodes. Research showed that patients need to be stable first before introducing ADHD meds. For mood stabilization you probably need a mood stabilizer, there are tons. Not at all an anti psychotic that as I said earlier probably never is a long term "solution" and should be used as a sort of last resort, in my limited opinion.

What I would do when you have a next appointment, prepare really well, write everything you want to say down, ordered in bullet points or something.
List the official ADHD symptoms (like impulsivity, hyperactivity, inability to concentrate etc...), show that you suffer from all of these, not just a little because everyone does sometimes, but chronically and very extreme. Then also try to show that these symptoms were already apparent as a kid. Make her well aware that you are not there for some script, but that you want the diagnosis as a first step for a more fruitful life. The rapid mixed mania mood swings are impossible to explain by even ultra rapid bipolar cycling, provide research where necessary, they are still cyclic in nature and it doesn't make sense with what you experience every day.
What helped me in realizing all this is that true mania and also mixed mania is quite different from the chronic ADHD symptoms. And they are made worse by never really being at a true baseline, but rather fluctuating between (hypo)mania and depression, not really reaching the extremes but dangling somewhere in between, like a little hypomanic, somewhat depressed etc.....
Next I would present her with papers on comorbid bipolar ADHD, show how prevalent it is. These papers will say that a mood stabilizer first, then a stimulant or atomexetine later. If they're withdrawn and illegal, then yeah...... But then you have at least have a proper diagnosis, and can go from there.

I think it's fucking criminal that your psych just convinces you to give you the strongest fucking AP off the bat by like saying it's a good thing, and it shows that they don't have a clue and don't give a fuck. I am absolutely disgusted, NOT a solution. Normally they'd go for Lithium, but Lithium is not done with ultra rapid cycling patients, because the cycling can get worse after you get off it. But this is so exceedingly rare, and the more obvious diagnosis is ADHD. This is exactly my situation, luckily I have some more options here. I'll be convincing my psych in similar ways.

You might be fucked yeah, but I'm sure a mood stabilizer could help quite a bit, and then you're left with unmedicated ADHD which is of course also hell. But we age and we learn. Stay strong and take care man. Hope the Invega shots help (?) and if not you can quickly get rid of it. Do check in sometime if you like.

This might be a little all over the place, but energy is raging through me, which is a given these days.

Thank you for your response I really do appreciate it.
Let me add some context here:
I have been diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar type 1 (mixed mania features) 2 years ago, I was started on Quetiapine, Lamotrigine, Amitryptiline and Nozinan as first line medication to effectively counter all the problems I was dealing with, add to that Venlafaxine for my severe depression and Tranxene (Clorazepate) to deal with my severe Anxiety (with some PTSD traits due to "extreme" abuse).

Over the 2 years period I got more or less stable in a sense, adjusting the dosage of medication little by little, add here reduce that, a process of titration, I dropped Nozinan and Amitryptiline and Tranxene but always have them and keep them for extreme (and rare) instances of panic attacks, insomnia and extreme stress accordingly.

About two months ago I complained about the results not being satisfactory as I was still dealing with the inability of concentration, attentiveness and very low levels of productivity, that's when the doctor switched me from Quetiapine to Risperidone, it has very well stabilized me, in fact it stabilized me too much that the only two moods I have is lifeless normal or depressed, no more (hypo)/mania, not much energy to work with.

In a sense, I got to thank it for stabilizing me, however I've lost too much "life" due to it that now the question I'm facing is that do I want to be stable or do I want to live....

She told me I'm comparing my stability to the baseline of hypomania where one is active and energetic, instead of comparing it to the "normal" state which slightly fluctuates between tiny little hypomania and too little anhedonia, which is true, however what needs to be considered is that I am not normal, I'm already in a disadvantage when compared to someone without this disorder (or any disorder), I need a slight edge to be fruitful.
She wasn't convinced...

Today I took my first shot of Invega, 150mg, next week I'll take the 100mg shot and then it will become the monthly shot...

I have no clue what to do, I NEED that slight edge but I don't know how to achieve it.
pls help ;-;

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

Thank you for your response I really do appreciate it.
Let me add some context here:
I have been diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar type 1 (mixed mania features) 2 years ago, I was started on Quetiapine, Lamotrigine, Amitryptiline and Nozinan as first line medication to effectively counter all the problems I was dealing with, add to that Venlafaxine for my severe depression and Tranxene (Clorazepate) to deal with my severe Anxiety (with some PTSD traits due to "extreme" abuse).

Over the 2 years period I got more or less stable in a sense, adjusting the dosage of medication little by little, add here reduce that, a process of titration, I dropped Nozinan and Amitryptiline and Tranxene but always have them and keep them for extreme (and rare) instances of panic attacks, insomnia and extreme stress accordingly.

About two months ago I complained about the results not being satisfactory as I was still dealing with the inability of concentration, attentiveness and very low levels of productivity, that's when the doctor switched me from Quetiapine to Risperidone, it has very well stabilized me, in fact it stabilized me too much that the only two moods I have is lifeless normal or depressed, no more (hypo)/mania, not much energy to work with.

In a sense, I got to thank it for stabilizing me, however I've lost too much "life" due to it that now the question I'm facing is that do I want to be stable or do I want to live....

She told me I'm comparing my stability to the baseline of hypomania where one is active and energetic, instead of comparing it to the "normal" state which slightly fluctuates between tiny little hypomania and too little anhedonia, which is true, however what needs to be considered is that I am not normal, I'm already in a disadvantage when compared to someone without this disorder (or any disorder), I need a slight edge to be fruitful.
She wasn't convinced...

Today I took my first shot of Invega, 150mg, next week I'll take the 100mg shot and then it will become the monthly shot...

I have no clue what to do, I NEED that slight edge but I don't know how to achieve it.
pls help ;-;

I see, that's a lot of meds holy shit. I cannot comment on any of the medications, as I've never taken them and I don't suffer from (non bipolar related) depression, anxiety attacks (only sometimes in rare occasions where everything is going so fast that I cannot handle it anymore, but I can still manage) and don't have PTSD. I'm also unmedicated for now, which makes for insane days but I manage somehow. I walk extreme distances daily and try to work out on top to cope with the energy, otherwise mindless browsing on my laptop helps too, 70 open tabs but I can get lost in that without starting to pace and having anxiety etc...

It is insane that you're on so much meds, still have strong ADHD symptoms, and when bringing it up they pull out the big gun (Invega) lol. Are you sure you have ADHD? When I came across that as a possibility, my whole life (childhood too) made sense, it was incredibly eye-opening.

I believe that psychiatrists mostly know their symptoms from text and cannot distinguish very well between true mixed episodes and tiny hypomania/depression combined with ADHD hyperactivity. They also don't make the consideration between being stable and living, surviving and being stable is their priority, so numbing everything with antipsychotics is the way to go........

I only have my experience to go off, I do cycle rapidly (per definition this is >4 episodes a year or something), but I was wrong in attributing all of my mood swings (anxiety, hyperactivity etc....) solely to my bipolar disorder. There is quite the difference between a true (hypo)manic episode and a little hypomania with ADHD hyperactivity on top, something psychs do not appear to distinguish between very well. On paper this is very reminiscent to mixed states.

If you are stable on what you have now (except the Invega then) then a stimulant might do wonders, but you can't get any so.....
Don't know man... I'd really prepare myself for the next appointment, all possible ADHD symptoms (from childhood on) written down, scientific papers on ADHD + bipolar etc etc.... But since stimulants are illegal where you live (a serious wtf), I don't know man. You can always go the illegal route to try, but that brings other issues with, maybe it doesn't help, can be quite addicting, can induce manic episodes and there could be legal ramifications.

Good luck with the Invega shots, if you feel the balance between life and stable isn't there, I wouldn't be afraid to refuse. It is YOUR life after all, you make the necessary considerations. Strength and peace brother

I apologize for being all over the place again btw

 

[n3ophy7e]

@Blueberry_87 sorry to hear that hun It sounds like PAWS. I can't recall from our conversations but do you see a counsellor at all?

the only two medications available are Atomoxetine (which has been withdrawn from the market this year) and Clonidine,

2 years ago, I was started on Quetiapine, Lamotrigine, Amitryptiline and Nozinan as first line medication to effectively counter all the problems I was dealing with, add to that Venlafaxine for my severe depression and Tranxene (Clorazepate) to deal with my severe Anxiety (with some PTSD traits due to "extreme" abuse).

Whoa whoa whoa, WHAT??? SIX psychiatric medications at once?? Some of which have pretty much the same effects and some of which were more commonly prescribed in the 60s and 70s, Which country are you in??

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I'm at a place in my life where the only person who can stop or start me is myself

that is not really a good thing

what are you doing? what. are. you. doing..... I think I just stole all the plants out the local farmers market... all god's critters?

pigs... two trap brainiac... asshole pigs... pot belly pigs... punch drunk pigs...

let's make a deal?

Just give me a consolation prize blue ribbon because I gave my effort for sure