Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

[deficiT]

I'm starting to do better. I left the job that was stressing me and taking up all my time. I basically threw my whole life and marriage away in a manic fit to be with someone I only knew for a very short period of time, and, of course they ended up letting me down and I was more broken than I think I've felt in a very long time. Luckily I am blessed to have an extremely gracious and patient partner that hasn't quite forgiven me, but we're working on it.

This was only a week or two ago, but things are starting to come around and I think I'm starting to stabilize. I still have so many financial stressors I'm trying not to think about, but I've been pushing them from my mind. It's just not worth the mental energy.

Overall, I feel, a little nervous but hopeful for the future, as long as I can stick to the path. Love to all the BLers out there round the globe

 

[RainbowElf]

Everyday I worry about going to work and get and get anxious, I always feel like people think I'm not learning fast enough, or that I'm stupid, this really effects me on how I perform on the job.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Well, now I don't really feel miserable, just feel completely numb, empty and apathetic, not sure if that still counts as depression? I ocassionaly fall into this type of mental state and I'm never sure if feeling nothing is better than feeling miserable. Well, at the very least it's easier to think straight and objectively.


It's great to hear that the hearing went good for you. I haven't really gone back far enough in the thread to have a solid understanding of what exactly is going on so forgive me for that, but it definitely seems like it's a big source of stress so I do hope that you can put it behind you soon.

I'm guessing you probably don't need someone to tell you this but be really careful with combining gaba drugs. I speak from experience when I say that things can easily go pretty bad with that combo.

Also, I don't know how long you've been in this relationship, but if it's been for a long time then maybe a divorce would be better sooner rather than later. If you've been with him for a long time then he's had plenty of time to try to understand what PTSD is and how it affects you. Of course, you know more about your relationship than I ever could so in the end you're more qualified to say how much more time you should give him, but personally I just think that understanding and accepting each other's health conditions is vital in a relationship and if someone isn't willing to put in the effort to do that then they might not deserve to be in a relationship in the first place.

Are you still feeling that numb feeling or have it gotten a bit better?

Thanks for the kind words! And thanks for the concerne of mixing gaba drugs but im quite used to combining and have priorly ruined my tolerance a bit so it's okay!

We have been together 2 years now. I think I should have broken up long ago. He has quit and then relapsed a few times now bc of me continuing smoking weed while he was sober. I know it's not my responsibility what he does but I know how much it affects him in a bad way when he relapses. So I think it's for the best of us both that we split up. He actually bringed it up yesterday, I haven't had the guts. So we talked a bit about splitting up. We are going to try this for a little while longer, but he also seems to think it's for the best to split up. So thats a relief. It's just hard when you have become so used to be with another person.

 

[Sirena Oscura]

I miss my husband. Ex husband? Guy who was my husband.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

You can delete your posts.

Im doing pretty well, got some money and drugs. Propably gonna visit my friends today and stuff.

 

[Flynnal]

I don't want to die but living like I have for the past few days has almost made it not worth my while.

I will be seeing a GP and getting an urgent referral to a psych. Things have been getting too hard for me and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die.

A hole with a warm blanket on it. Oh how I long for the days when I had access to tons of benzos and barbs.

Those oxycodone tablets are so so tempting but I have to ignore the devil. But then what do I do? Suffering in silence is the "in" thing, right?

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

It is the in thing to do.

But you took a step and posted here.

And i hope you continue to do so.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Have been feeling worse and worse lately. Every day seemed to get worse. Finally the mushroom season is here though, so I have started microdosing psilocybe semilanceata. Im following Paul Stamets microdosing schedule with four days on and three off. I noticed a difference the first day. Seems to help with the PTSD a lot. Today was rough nontheless though. Somehow time passes much quicker for me while microdosing so im reeeaally thankful for that when I have a bad day.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

That sounds really cool.

What's it feel like OMW?

If you don't mind i ask.

 

[Sirena Oscura]

I’ve done microdosing. First batch was okay and could feel something the first day. But the next batch just wasn’t any good. That’s the problem with shrooms. Can’t count on consistency.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

That sounds really cool.

What's it feel like OMW?

If you don't mind i ask.

Increased focus, thinking more, but with much less anxiety involved, time goes by faster, better concentration. Im not smoking as much weed on the days I microdose, and thats nice.

I am feeling better now. I bumped into an old friend the other day and we ended up smoking together with some of his friends which was fun even though I get kinda anxious while smoking with people I don't know. One of his friends ended up selling me some weed so now I don't have to deal with sobriety for now which is great.

It does sound like breaking up would be for the best, and I definitely understand what you mean by it being hard to seperate from someone you're used to being with.

And sorry to hear you haven't been feeling so great recently. I don't really know much about microdosing shrooms, but I do hope it helps you feel significantly better soon!

Okay that sounds nice! Im the same when it comes to smoking with people I don't know, or people in general lol.

It helps quite a bit actually. Even on the days im not taking it I still feel a bit better.

 

[Kara Kava]

Good actually. I am quite fatigued but there's coffee.
I haven't felt overly angry the past few days.
I called my dentist office last Friday and when I got off the phone I realized i snapped at the reception for no good reason, just the pain and frustration
I saw her Monday and appolgized and since then I try to take a few minutes before reacting.
2 months cigarette and methadone free today so I feel fantastic

 

[Sirena Oscura]

EHR MAH GERD!!!

My psychiatrist finally agreed to put me on Wellbutrin!!!My previous psychiatrist said no because “it’s addictive”. New psychiatrist wanted me on Brintilex but it had no positive effect and had sexual side effects So I told him honestly I’m tempted to go to my GP and get it and he finally agreed!!! Fuck yes from tomorrow!!!! Woooot!!!! Hope this works out....

 

[Mrs.Nunya75]

L

Okay, so i've heard early use of weed can progress mental illness, and yes i'm guilty of self medicating with it. I feel like it calms down my mania and gives me perspective when depressed.

OT: Today i feel fine. Went on a meth binge recently and stayed up for 3 days so hopefully i don't get manic but like i said, i feel fine now after sleep.

that quote! That’s close to something I was saying earlier today!!!

 

[Mrs.Nunya75]

Hi madness00, how are you mate?

first i'd like to apologise for this lengthy post, just feel i have to get this of my chest.

sadly i don't have a girl for almost two years now plus i've neglected all my friends and though they know i have issues they have their limits i guess.

there is a correlation between my drug use and the end of my last relationship which frankly was not healthy or good to begin with but i have the "beggars can't be choosers" mentality, probably because i lack confidence. she dumped me and i got involved with crack which up until then i didn't really liked that much, i was a opie kind of guy..

the situation at home is really hard - i live with my mom (she's 72 and i'm 37) at a bad neighborhood, the apartment is not ours so we have to pay outrageous rent. i love my mother but shes very hysterical and have over the top ocd. her behaviour got my brother and sisters to move away, running for their dear life - leaving me holding the bag. my coping mechanism with her craziness is using drugs. mom's unemployed is due to her being sick and old and i work half time after a decade of unemployment. had approx. a 5 years H habit that brought me to engage in all sorts of criminal activities (small time, nothing big though) and after a few run ins with the law decided to get a job and it took a while, to get clean which i failed miserably and after withdrawal induced mania that almost got me killed or maybe worse - rotting in prison i decided to get on subutex and try to find some stability.

i do like to travel but don't care much for hotels and restaurants, to be in the nature, let it heal my emotional wounds is what i want and in need of. also my old car need fixing but i cant mange to hold the money for that, i just smoke it up in no time.

i have no motivation whatsoever. i don't get out much except for work and for buying crack and it's like i'm stuck in a rut, in a vicious circle or whatever. don't have much hope but must admit that writing this stuff here on BL helps a lot.

you know madness00 i think you hit it right in the spot when you wrote - "that we are just one more person in the world, equally as important as anyone else." - see i cant get myself to feel this way. i always feel like i'm a waste of resources. i have a lot of respect for the homeless and prostitutes etc. and basically everyone but me. in my mind i don't deserve the chair i'm sitting on, the food in my belly and my running water hot and cold.

jeez i wrote all this shit and now feel the need to apologise again, that it's just a waste of your and others time. i genuinely feel that i'm not worth it. really. i don't want to be pitied but also not criticized, just heard i guess..

so i'll stop here..

all the best
jona

You hit the nail on the head! I feel that way. I’m told I’m worthless so it just reinforces it to my fucked head.
However, you are worth it! And more! I can see it in others but not with myself!

 

[Mrs.Nunya75]

Hi all,

This thread should be a safe haven for those with MI, where we can chat with each other and talk about how we are feeling for the day.

I have Bipolar Disorder, and today i feel pretty stable. I've been sober for a week now because i have a probation piss test coming up, but will soon do some meth. The thing is, i stay up all night when on it, so it could quite possibly make me hypomanic.

But what's wrong with a little hypomania when your on Lithium, Lamictal and Vraylar? Can't be that bad of a crash. I mean, i've done meth before on these meds and i was fine.. I obviously don't recommend it but self medication is such a big part of my life, unfortunately.

Anyway, hopefully i can get to know some of you and we can talk about problems, successes, and just anything that's on your mind.

:D

Hi all,

This thread should be a safe haven for those with MI, where we can chat with each other and talk about how we are feeling for the day.

I have Bipolar Disorder, and today i feel pretty stable. I've been sober for a week now because i have a probation piss test coming up, but will soon do some meth. The thing is, i stay up all night when on it, so it could quite possibly make me hypomanic.

But what's wrong with a little hypomania when your on Lithium, Lamictal and Vraylar? Can't be that bad of a crash. I mean, i've done meth before on these meds and i was fine.. I obviously don't recommend it but self medication is such a big part of my life, unfortunately.

Anyway, hopefully i can get to know some of you and we can talk about problems, successes, and just anything that's on your mind.

:D

madness00,
What a terrific thread idea. I’m so glad I’ve found it this evening. I am glad there is a place I can vent and not feel “crazy”. Thank you!

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Welcome to the thread @Mrs.Nunya75 ! How are you feeling today?

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

madness00,
What a terrific thread idea. I’m so glad I’ve found it this evening. I am glad there is a place I can vent and not feel “crazy”. Thank you!

Thanks

Thankfully this thread moves on it's own recently because i don't feel like ive been a great help recently.

Hopefully you can benefit from it though, and like OMW im curious how you've been. I remember your username!

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Today i feel nice and toasty, though the washing machine broke and i have nothing left to wear to work.

So i smoked a joint and said i'll deal with it later.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Real talk though:

These days got me feeling like im operating at 50%. Can't even hold down a conversation IRL. Everything social takes effort. I'm either completely in tune with my surroundings or off by a long shot - recently been off by a long shot. My high school friends would be in awe.. I was the life of the party in HS. Ever since drugs got a grip on me, bipolar got diagnosed, and personality traits pegged on me by forensic psychologists took me by the balls. Along side becoming homeless and etc for several years even though my family is living happily in there couple of houses out side of the state.

I used to have everything and now im surrounded by negativity. It's turning me into a monster. I need good associations, a job that lines up with my skills and stable housing.

I feel pent up rage.

I'm about to slip.

Dun dun dunnnn...

But seriously im about to crack. There's more underneath.