Hi madness00, how are you mate?
first i'd like to apologise for this lengthy post, just feel i have to get this of my chest.
sadly i don't have a girl for almost two years now plus i've neglected all my friends and though they know i have issues they have their limits i guess.
there is a correlation between my drug use and the end of my last relationship which frankly was not healthy or good to begin with but i have the "beggars can't be choosers" mentality, probably because i lack confidence. she dumped me and i got involved with crack which up until then i didn't really liked that much, i was a opie kind of guy..
the situation at home is really hard - i live with my mom (she's 72 and i'm 37) at a bad neighborhood, the apartment is not ours so we have to pay outrageous rent. i love my mother but shes very hysterical and have over the top ocd. her behaviour got my brother and sisters to move away, running for their dear life - leaving me holding the bag. my coping mechanism with her craziness is using drugs. mom's unemployed is due to her being sick and old and i work half time after a decade of unemployment. had approx. a 5 years H habit that brought me to engage in all sorts of criminal activities (small time, nothing big though) and after a few run ins with the law decided to get a job and it took a while, to get clean which i failed miserably and after withdrawal induced mania that almost got me killed or maybe worse - rotting in prison i decided to get on subutex and try to find some stability.
i do like to travel but don't care much for hotels and restaurants, to be in the nature, let it heal my emotional wounds is what i want and in need of. also my old car need fixing but i cant mange to hold the money for that, i just smoke it up in no time.
i have no motivation whatsoever. i don't get out much except for work and for buying crack and it's like i'm stuck in a rut, in a vicious circle or whatever. don't have much hope but must admit that writing this stuff here on BL helps a lot.
you know madness00 i think you hit it right in the spot when you wrote - "that we are just one more person in the world, equally as important as anyone else." - see i cant get myself to feel this way. i always feel like i'm a waste of resources. i have a lot of respect for the homeless and prostitutes etc. and basically everyone but me. in my mind i don't deserve the chair i'm sitting on, the food in my belly and my running water hot and cold.
jeez i wrote all this shit and now feel the need to apologise again, that it's just a waste of your and others time. i genuinely feel that i'm not worth it. really. i don't want to be pitied but also not criticized, just heard i guess..
so i'll stop here..
all the best
jona