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Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

Buzz Lightbeer

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where I roam
Rhodiola Rosea is a powerful anti depressant for me, but the emptiness doesn't go away.
I'll be trying medication soon, but my next appointment with my psychiatrist is in 3 months.... My hypomanic ass convinced her that all was perfect and that I will manage sober. Lol.

I can't recall the last time I felt normal, on psychedelic peaks I can touch base with my true self but that's short lived and then I get hypomanic again.

I also stopped seeing my psychologist, therapy was slow and superficial, I don't need him affirming everything I'm saying, I need to be challenged damnit.
On etizolam again.... not my usual DOC, on the contrary, but time goes fast.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: SLR
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I’m not counting days really, but it feels good to have switched from bender to Day 1 of sobriety. I felt a bit anxious in bed when I woke up and just lay there for an hour unable to get up yet unable to go back to sleep. As always the anxiety passed quickly as soon as I forced myself to get up and confront the day. A modest dose of dexamphetamine (20mg), 2 double espressos and a fresh fruit smoothie and I feel really rather cheerful.

Someone I thought was fast becoming my nemesis last night turned out not to be so I may have been just about to tip over into some kind of paranoia. Which is just another reminded it was past time to quit. I’ve been able to read the newspapers so it feels I’m not too brain damaged. I’ll start proper work in an hour or two by reading the very dusty drafts of my first few thesis chapters and get a feel for how big the challenge to complete it is going to be. It’s really the one and only goal in my life at present. If I can’t make a substantive dent in it over the next month I think it will be time to withdraw and accept that yet again I’ve fucked something significant in my life with drugs. I’m too old at 50’ish to start too many more major career changing self-development projects. It’s make it or break it time.
 

ControlDaddy

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I’m not counting days really, but it feels good to have switched from bender to Day 1 of sobriety. I felt a bit anxious in bed when I woke up and just lay there for an hour unable to get up yet unable to go back to sleep. As always the anxiety passed quickly as soon as I forced myself to get up and confront the day. A modest dose of dexamphetamine (20mg), 2 double espressos and a fresh fruit smoothie and I feel really rather cheerful.

Someone I thought was fast becoming my nemesis last night turned out not to be so I may have been just about to tip over into some kind of paranoia. Which is just another reminded it was past time to quit. I’ve been able to read the newspapers so it feels I’m not too brain damaged. I’ll start proper work in an hour or two by reading the very dusty drafts of my first few thesis chapters and get a feel for how big the challenge to complete it is going to be. It’s really the one and only goal in my life at present. If I can’t make a substantive dent in it over the next month I think it will be time to withdraw and accept that yet again I’ve fucked something significant in my life with drugs. I’m too old at 50’ish to start too many more major career changing self-development projects. It’s make it or break it time.
Let me know if I can help. I’m good at academic writing, I used to head up the the writing tutors at my school. If you could use my eyes, I’m happy to help.

A certain mod can mind her own business this time. Atelier3 is a big boy and can tell me to go screw if he wants to.
 

Buzz Lightbeer

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Let me know if I can help. I’m good at academic writing, I used to head up the the writing tutors at my school. If you could use my eyes, I’m happy to help.

A certain mod can mind her own business this time. Atelier3 is a big boy and can tell me to go screw if he wants to.
Where were you last year when I had to write mine?? =D
 

Atelier3

Moderator: SLR
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Let me know if I can help. I’m good at academic writing, I used to head up the the writing tutors at my school. If you could use my eyes, I’m happy to help.

A certain mod can mind her own business this time. Atelier3 is a big boy and can tell me to go screw if he wants to.

Judging by your ‘need an editor’ thread I expect at the moment you could have my current 60,000 words edited by lunchtime. I appreciate the kind offer.
 

ControlDaddy

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Where were you last year when I had to write mine?? =D
A year ago, I thought I was nineteen, I couldn’t tell you my “real” name but would ask you if you knew what it might be, thought I had been given the wrong identity by some mistake, and that the patio off of my bedroom was a clam and crab shack where I worked part-time. You wouldn’t have wanted me, I don’t think!
 

Buzz Lightbeer

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where I roam
A year ago, I thought I was nineteen, I couldn’t tell you my “real” name but would ask you if you knew what it might be, thought I had been given the wrong identity by some mistake, and that the patio off of my bedroom was a clam and crab shack where I worked part-time. You wouldn’t have wanted me, I don’t think!
I see... sounds rough, glad you're good and kicking now at least ;)
The main problem with mine is that it somehow reeks of amphetamine, you can feel it in the air when reading, if one has a feel for that.
 

Freudzilla

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Feb 28, 2021
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I don’t want this to be the end of my story at all.. there’s shit I gotta get done..but will it even matter if i don’t get it done.. still I don’t want my story to end here.. I swear to all that is holy I will make it through this night.. and feed upon the beauty of another day.. 😩😩 I will rest my weary eyes and transform as the Phoenix does into a better form..
 
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Romm31

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Mar 25, 2021
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Hi all,

This thread should be a safe haven for those with MI, where we can chat with each other and talk about how we are feeling for the day.

I have Bipolar Disorder, and today i feel pretty stable. I've been sober for a week now because i have a probation piss test coming up, but will soon do some meth. The thing is, i stay up all night when on it, so it could quite possibly make me hypomanic.

But what's wrong with a little hypomania when your on Lithium, Lamictal and Vraylar? Can't be that bad of a crash. I mean, i've done meth before on these meds and i was fine.. I obviously don't recommend it but self medication is such a big part of my life, unfortunately.

Anyway, hopefully i can get to know some of you and we can talk about problems, successes, and just anything that's on your mind.

:D
Hello! I’m also Bipolar 1 and have used a lot of meth in the past and found it didn’t really interact with my meds (I take lamictal, abilify, and Viibryd). I do think however the meth blows away any stability you may have accomplished because of the meds. I’ve been shooting coke all night so I’m right there with you on the self medication tip. I really don’t know how to stop... I gots find a way though.
 

Atelier3

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Hello! I’m also Bipolar 1 and have used a lot of meth in the past and found it didn’t really interact with my meds (I take lamictal, abilify, and Viibryd). I do think however the meth blows away any stability you may have accomplished because of the meds. I’ve been shooting coke all night so I’m right there with you on the self medication tip. I really don’t know how to stop... I gots find a way though.
Hey. I’m also bipolar I and I found stopping shooting coke to be about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It took several attempts, a divorce, and going bankrupt before I really could stop. It was a rock bottom thing.

Everyone is different but what worked for me was anti-pschotics for a few months plus low dose Rx dexamphetamine. I trialled about 5 different antipsychotics before it started working.
 

on.my.way🌿

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First day of the trial is done. Im exhausted. Just tomorrow and maybe a few hours next week left. I think it is going well, but I still have no idea how much of it all he will get convicted for.
 

on.my.way🌿

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Hi blue friends <3
Court went well yesterday. Now a well deserved two days to charge the batteries before continuing next week.

On a different note..
Husband screamed and was incredibly rude after the first day of the trial, in the car on the way home. It was so not okay, the most stressful day of my life and he's mad bc I did not have the energy to cater to his fucking neediness.
This time he really crossed the line, he was furious? He's usually only that angry while intoxicated but he is sober since a month ago.. i guess its time for that divorce now finally
Im so glad im at my mothers house over the weekend phhew
 

AlphaMethylPhenyl

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Stimulants are quick fixes but can cause a nasty dependence and crash. It's really easy to misuse them.

I'm sorry that this is happening, on.my.way. Drug withdrawal can cause agitation pretty readily, almost regardless of the substance. But, on the other hand, it isn't fair for him to take it out on you. Drugs and alcohol ruin tons of relationships, sadly enough.

Perhaps asserting your value as an equal person might help. It may be best to keep him informed, generally, of your feelings, so that it doesn't come as big a surprise in the possible future, when you cut ties. That said, being on the receiving end of someone's wrath, especially if you're female and the aggressor is male, is not cool. This is abuse. It can be just as harmful as physical abuse.

It may be best to plan your moves with trusted, close friends and family. Your mom could be a good place to start, maybe?

Stay strong. You got this!
 

on.my.way🌿

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Thanks for the support. Yeah we have talked a lot about divorce. I wish it could have ended on a better note, but it's better that it ends than it ending in a good way.
He has not said anything since that evening, he only apologised for taking my pack of cigarrettes in a text message. Hopefully he moves out before i have to go to the apartment.
He has been psysically abusive as well so yeah.. it really is time to leave
 

Vastness

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Aight y'all. I'm good today and I hope some of y'all are too. I confess I didn't read much of the thread sonce my last post just coz I'm a bit all over the place and just wanted to post somewhere, indulging my inner narcissist, let out by the shitty purity but seemingly genuine racemic amphetamine I've been dosing all day on top of a few benzos. Came clean to my current therapist about my dishonesty regarding my drug use. Hopefully he can tell me something useful that I can actually do something with that isn't just something obvious I already know.

Sertraline - honestly - I know maybe it's partly my fault for not just letting it do it's thing without being my own doctor - but after close to 4 months near total sobriety getting on an SSRI has basically just pushed me back into cyclical polydrug abuse. It's surely not a coincidence. Only reason I'm on these fucking things really is a route to establishing some kind of legitimacy for my consistent failures to manage my life in certain ways. They are an interesting class and one I've always been curious about but - at the moment it feels like an endurance test as to how much additional anxiety I can pump into my brain before i can say OK great, tried that one, maybe we can just accept my mind isn't well suited to certain facets of reality right now and that's OK. Do I have the psychological stamina to try another after this? Fuck, I dunno. Maybe not.

Apologies for just narcissistically jumping in and ignoring everyone else's struggles but I wish you all happiness. May you all be well, and free from suffering. Whatever you're feeling now is OK. You deserve happiness, and whatever you've done to find it - is enough.
 

on.my.way🌿

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In the middle of court today I get a text message from my husband saying he's divorcing me. Like, thanks for that timing??? Uhh it's for the best though.
Court went well though. Exhausted ofc. Only wednesday left but I dont have to attend that day. Maybe ill write more later about it, now some lyrica bc I fucking deserve to relax after this
 

ControlDaddy

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Aight y'all. I'm good today and I hope some of y'all are too. I confess I didn't read much of the thread sonce my last post just coz I'm a bit all over the place and just wanted to post somewhere, indulging my inner narcissist, let out by the shitty purity but seemingly genuine racemic amphetamine I've been dosing all day on top of a few benzos. Came clean to my current therapist about my dishonesty regarding my drug use. Hopefully he can tell me something useful that I can actually do something with that isn't just something obvious I already know.

Sertraline - honestly - I know maybe it's partly my fault for not just letting it do it's thing without being my own doctor - but after close to 4 months near total sobriety getting on an SSRI has basically just pushed me back into cyclical polydrug abuse. It's surely not a coincidence. Only reason I'm on these fucking things really is a route to establishing some kind of legitimacy for my consistent failures to manage my life in certain ways. They are an interesting class and one I've always been curious about but - at the moment it feels like an endurance test as to how much additional anxiety I can pump into my brain before i can say OK great, tried that one, maybe we can just accept my mind isn't well suited to certain facets of reality right now and that's OK. Do I have the psychological stamina to try another after this? Fuck, I dunno. Maybe not.

Apologies for just narcissistically jumping in and ignoring everyone else's struggles but I wish you all happiness. May you all be well, and free from suffering. Whatever you're feeling now is OK. You deserve happiness, and whatever you've done to find it - is enough.
I hope you will give the sertraline a fair chance, especially if you can nix the rec drug use for awhile so you can really evaluate its effects. I am anything but a strong proponent of SSRIs, especially for myself, but if I have noticed one that its users tend to celebrate, and it is Zoloft (sertraline). My ex wife has some serious depression and seasonal affective disorder issues, that six weeks of Zoloft helped to totally clear up.
 
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