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Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

Im stressed all day, every day, nowadays. Falling asleep with heart beating, waking up exactly the same. Can't sleep but get nightmares if I take a sleeping pill.
The trial thing is stressing me out worse than ever. 1,5 or 3,5 weeks left. Can't fucking wait for this to be over.
Im barely at home anymore, it just get's me more stressed being around my husband. Ordered some pregab (FINALLY IT HAS BEEN MONTHS I FUCKING MISS IT), probably in the mail by thursday.
Downing beers to feel less miserable. Almost working. Only like 1 time a week though, but on my own so..
 
on.my.way🌿 said:
Im stressed all day, every day, nowadays. Falling asleep with heart beating, waking up exactly the same. Can't sleep but get nightmares if I take a sleeping pill.
The trial thing is stressing me out worse than ever. 1,5 or 3,5 weeks left. Can't fucking wait for this to be over.
Im barely at home anymore, it just get's me more stressed being around my husband. Ordered some pregab (FINALLY IT HAS BEEN MONTHS I FUCKING MISS IT), probably in the mail by thursday.
Downing beers to feel less miserable. Almost working. Only like 1 time a week though, but on my own so..
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Why do you need to order Pregablin
'
'?
 
Already stressed about going home again tomorrow. My husband get's these increasingly irratic rages, jealousy is through the roof, he called me 8 times in 5 mins yesterday bc I didn't answer right away. I can't take these stressers right now with the ptsd and trial incoming. Gonna call him soon to tell him im coming tomorrow morning instead of tonight, already nervous about how angry he will be about that. AHHHHH can't wait for the divorce
 
I feel manic af. But it’s times like this I don’t want anything cause this feelings enough
 
FuneralFather said:
I feel manic af. But it’s times like this I don’t want anything cause this feelings enough
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I thought something might be up once i visited the lounge to see your five threads. But it's all good, that's what BL is for - a safe space to express ourselves at our best and at our worst. Not saying you're at either end, just trying to cover all basis's.

But dude, we both know mania feels good or at the least "is enough" feelings for one time. But it can also spiral out of control very fast.

Not sure you've had a life crushing manic episode yet, but i have.

Basically i was fresh out of college and next in line for a promotion at the bank. We were teaching a team in India how to run reports for clients. I got pissed off that our jobs were seemingly about to be obsolete (though i would have been getting promoted the fuck out of there anyway 8)) so i left and never came back. Instead, i planned a trip to China, creeped around my apartment with a pellet gun and butcher knife taunting imaginary burglars, and thought all the gas signs on the street were signals for burglars. Like, which houses to hit, which windows to open, etc.

Anyway bro, be careful.
 
madness00 said:
I thought something might be up once i visited the lounge to see your five threads. But it's all good, that's what BL is for - a safe space to express ourselves at our best and at our worst. Not saying you're at either end, just trying to cover all basis's.

But dude, we both know mania feels good or at the least "is enough" feelings for one time. But it can also spiral out of control very fast.

Not sure you've had a life crushing manic episode yet, but i have.

Basically i was fresh out of college and next in line for a promotion at the bank. We were teaching a team in India how to run reports for clients. I got pissed off that our jobs were seemingly about to be obsolete (though i would have been getting promoted the fuck out of there anyway 8)) so i left and never came back. Instead, i planned a trip to China, creeped around my apartment with a pellet gun and butcher knife taunting imaginary burglars, and thought all the gas signs on the street were signals for burglars. Like, which houses to hit, which windows to open, etc.

Anyway bro, be careful.
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Ima message you. I’m not sure if delta 8 is influencing this or what. But I had a question
 
THe pregabalin came in the mail. I don' think it's real pregabalin though. Feeling high but I still have anxiety, more of a body high. Maybe I took to little idk
Still stressed about going home, im spending way more time at my mothers house than at his. And I really like it here since I cleaned my old room. It's so cozy now. My little brother is lovely to hang out with, same with my mom and stepdad, But tommorow I will go home to someone who checks my phone and stuff. Im always stressed about him finding out about this account here on bluelight, if he found that and read stuff I would probably get a beating, as irratic as he is nowadays. Having this BL acc is the only "forbidden" stuff I do but as I said it would be quite a mess if he found out about it.
Also nervous about him schecking my bankaccont and seeing that I bought bitcoin (to buy the preg). Not looking forward to that fight.

Im so sorry for spewing out all this shit but this is the only place I can do it. I just have to talk about it somehow if you know the feeling..
Love you guys <3
 
iTry91 said:
@on.my.way is there anyway you can stay at your mum's? Sorry if I'm being ignorant to your situation. Hope you are ok.
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Nah i've been here a little too much.. Have to go home for like almost week now so that sucks..
He's not violent usually it have only happened two times when we were drunk (concussion and a broken face ughh) but yeah still nervous about him being angry, since I hace ptsd and stressing over trials and stuff I CAN'T HANDLE him being angry and stuff right now. Im way to sensitive normally but now it's fucking ridiculous.. Sorry for complaining, as usual lol
 
I did not go home today. He foudn out about the lyrica which led to him finding out about my "secret" email, I said it was for my eating disorder forum account, (haven't been there in a year though im better now) but anyways, he wanted to get access to that acc, but I said no and that I deserve some kind of privacy. That didn't go down well and he got fucking furious on the phone.
Not even I want to read what I wrote there, I did NOT feel good at that time.
I hate this my blood preassure is through the roof ughhhh
 
^Not a lot of people would go far to admit that, though, if it helps.

Also, on.my.way, it's fine, that's what we're here for! If it helps you be able to do you better, bring on the complaints.

Honesty is a good policy.

I'm doing okay. Wish I was better. Been out of the hospital for a good eight years. Things could definitely be worse, I'm thinking. Looking back on things, I'm surprised to have made it this far.
 
Boredom is bad. But its life.

Feel kinda scared that Ive infected myself by using the same vein too much. Shit gotta see how I feel tomorrow... hopefully I even wake up.
 
I had a rough week. Sounds selfish to say that considering what made it rough was a particular patient dying. I think there’s been more death on this ward than my previous, in such a short time. Unfortunately I had built a rapport with this patient (like a lot of us did) so to see him deteriorate really hurt a lot.

I had some drama on Bumble but that’s over. I didn’t realise I was becoming uncomfortable but when I finally unmatched him I felt a lot of relief. Thought I was building a rapport with someone else too but it turns out they’re just like every other guy.... and manipulative to boot. I’m just disappointed more than anything.
 
^you sound like a catch, smart and caring the person on bumble is a learning experience I know i sound really narcissistic but don't give up 🙂 il probably be on bumble soon as me and my partner are going different ways
 
iTry91 said:
^you sound like a catch, smart and caring the person on bumble is a learning experience I know i sound really narcissistic but don't give up 🙂 il probably be on bumble soon as me and my partner are going different ways
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Sorry to hear that 🙁 Hope things work out for you.
 
I feel like I've left depression behind, temporarily anyway. My meds are working well enough and I'm not having too difficult a time staying somewhat positive, although it is difficult at times.
 
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