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Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

DeadManWalkin'

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Joined
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
3,527
Location
Saudi Arabia
I've been having low self esteem lately, every time I start a new job, I'm working at a place where basically, I'm the only one without a college degree, all I have is a lot of experience, that's why I got hired, I feel like the college graduates are pushing me around telling me what to do constantly, these are people probably straight out of school with just a piece of paper, especially this one Chinese lady who went to an expensive university, who I can barely understand what she says and have to ask her 3 times before I can decipher what shes's saying.

Making me feel worthless and depressed and yesterday she was whispering around me, not that she has to because I can't understand a lick what she says anyways, but I take it as she was probably talking about me, people don't understand when you start a new job, even if you 50 yrs experience in the field, you still have to be trained and learn the new operations at the new company, but they have a sheet of paper so that makes me less of a person not having one to them.
Maybe stop believing the retarded premise that education = intelligence? I got an education and I can tell you that people there are fucking retarded and 75% of students would be better off with real world skills or doing some job for a while, than reading theory on paper.
Unless you have the intelligence needed to make your own theories on paper, which do work, I really see no point in higher education.
And yeah, I got higher education.
 

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
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Aug 8, 2018
Messages
13,681
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New England
I always feel like there are so many damn things in my head and I want to express them to people because I feel like a lot of it is really important information. I don’t mean to sound arrogant or nothing but I have always been really self conscious about everything I do and say and I feel like there’s good and bad things that came out of that.

I can see both sides of peoples arguments and see how they both make sense and how they both don’t at the same time like the yin and the yang on steroids and it can make it really hard to explain things properly sometimes and cause me to contradict myself at times.

I personally don’t believe in putting a label on myself and saying I have depression or split personality or something like that but I do have mental troubles and disturbances just like anyone else. But I believe my problems and experiences have given me a pretty interesting perspective.

I will probably just be replying to old threads now because I have a very intense form of what most people would call “social...anxiety”. And I isolate and spend a lot of time reading and on the internet and stuff. But that has given me more opportunity to learn about a multitude of different subjects and to hear what different people think and how it all
connects to the big picture.

I think it’s sad that people disregard the spiritual. People on this website seem to be pretty open minded but I feel like a majority of people in the general public are real skeptical of the spirit world and have a lot of insecurities and fears surrounding it. And as a result they don’t know how to properly treat people who are considered “schizophrenic” who have a clearer perception of that world than we do. It is understandable because we are born into the physical and as a result that is all we know and it’s hard to imagine something else being out there without it seeming like just a meaningless abstract thing in your mind.

But I feel like familiarizing yourself with these spiritual and emotional concepts and sensibilities will be the key to healing us as individuals and us as a society in a much faster and effective way than current methods.

To answer your question I feel both incredibly optimistic but at the same time very distressed.

I hear you on seeing validity in both sides of an argument and feeling contradictory. For me it's because a lot if the times i frankly dont hold a strong opinion either way.

Im curious what you're optimistic about? Staying positive is so important - maybe your answer could help others here.
 

ovenbakedskittles

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 11, 2014
Messages
343
I hear you on seeing validity in both sides of an argument and feeling contradictory. For me it's because a lot if the times i frankly dont hold a strong opinion either way.

Im curious what you're optimistic about? Staying positive is so important - maybe your answer could help others here.
Exactly! I have always been a neutral/passive person so as a result I also do not hold strong opinions towards contradicting things. Although when it comes to the argument of spirituality and science I can become quite passionate.

But I am optimistic about the fact that I am becoming more and more aware of things everyday and trying to build my confidence and I know that soon I will be able to use my perspective to help people. And I’m also optimistic about society because no matter how bad things get we are all learning stuff everyday and becoming more aware of what’s going on in the world and I believe there will be a turning point that is headed towards being more compassionate and loving and understanding rather than conflict and tension.

And if society does fall and we fail I still believe in afterlife and I think we will go on to new adventures and exploration. A lot of people are scared of the potential for a void after death or the devil or hell but I personally don’t believe that’s the case in such a vast universe with so many complexities.
 

on.my.way🌿

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
397
Sad to hear you had such a shitty weekend @SAT4N_420 , hopefully this week has been better so far. Have you considered trying to be clean instead of taking things that don't show up on tests? It might be a nice chance at sobriety? Synthetic cannabinoids nowadays are fucking dangerous man, be careful what you order. And also, I don't know if people is still cutting shit with fent, but take that into consideration if you are to take something, so you don't fail your drug test!
For how long did you have to leave tests and stuff?
 

LordOfThisWorld

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 3, 2020
Messages
316
Maybe stop believing the retarded premise that education = intelligence? I got an education and I can tell you that people there are fucking retarded and 75% of students would be better off with real world skills or doing some job for a while, than reading theory on paper.
Unless you have the intelligence needed to make your own theories on paper, which do work, I really see no point in higher education.
And yeah, I got higher education.
Problem is everyone is kissing up to this chick, asking her opinions on things she started a week after I did, she seems to be singling me out too, I don't see her telling anyone else what to do except me, and the way things are in the workplace now, if I turn around and tell her to shut the fuck up, I'll be fired on the spot.

I wake up with a heaviness on my chest over this shit and am popping more anxiety pills because of it.

Thanks for your comment DeadManWalking.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
2,707
I've been having low self esteem lately, every time I start a new job, I'm working at a place where basically, I'm the only one without a college degree, all I have is a lot of experience, that's why I got hired, I feel like the college graduates are pushing me around telling me what to do constantly, these are people probably straight out of school with just a piece of paper, especially this one Chinese lady who went to an expensive university, who I can barely understand what she says and have to ask her 3 times before I can decipher what shes's saying.

Making me feel worthless and depressed and yesterday she was whispering around me, not that she has to because I can't understand a lick what she says anyways, but I take it as she was probably talking about me, people don't understand when you start a new job, even if you 50 yrs experience in the field, you still have to be trained and learn the new operations at the new company, but they have a sheet of paper so that makes me less of a person not having one to them.

Don’t ever assume people are talking about you. That is a recipe for anxiety and paranoia and it won’t help you at all.

You should be proud of your experience and adopt the (quietly humble) assumption that these degree qualified people are going to need and appreciate the practical knowledge that you have in time. As for people telling you shit you don’t understand - turn it around and assume that’s because they are not explaining themselves clearly. Put it back on them to make themselves clear. Don’t be afraid to put people on the spot if they are being vague or slippery.

Your situation made me think a bit of when I was a newbie army officer with no experience but a piece of paper. The only ones who knew shot about anything were the NCO’s who had no academic qualifications. They had to salute me but they knew that I knew my whole career depended on them doing their job properly and that I should just let them do it. Think of yourself like one of those NCOs and the college grads as basically harmless idiots who are probably as insecure as fuck since they know that they don’t really know shit.
 

LordOfThisWorld

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 3, 2020
Messages
316
Don’t ever assume people are talking about you. That is a recipe for anxiety and paranoia and it won’t help you at all.

You should be proud of your experience and adopt the (quietly humble) assumption that these degree qualified people are going to need and appreciate the practical knowledge that you have in time. As for people telling you shit you don’t understand - turn it around and assume that’s because they are not explaining themselves clearly. Put it back on them to make themselves clear. Don’t be afraid to put people on the spot if they are being vague or slippery.

Your situation made me think a bit of when I was a newbie army officer with no experience but a piece of paper. The only ones who knew shot about anything were the NCO’s who had no academic qualifications. They had to salute me but they knew that I knew my whole career depended on them doing their job properly and that I should just let them do it. Think of yourself like one of those NCOs and the college grads as basically harmless idiots who are probably as insecure as fuck since they know that they don’t really know shit.
Thank you for the advice.
 

on.my.way🌿

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
397
Im in the process to stop smoking cannabis, i've smoked for like 5-6 years and only stopped once before, for a few weeks last year.
Im so fucking angry though, especially in the night/mornings. And I haven't even quit yet. Still smoking maybe 0.20 g/day. Having loads of energy though, and im getting all these various feelings, good and bad, that I haven't felt in years. I feel silly being so addicted to it though, I mean I've managed to quit benso like 3 times, and lyrica also, so this should be a piece of cake but it's not maaaan it's fucking hard??
It's wierd how dependent you can be on something that does not even actually makes you happier, it just kinda dampen my feelings a bit. I've been so hooked that even though I've had all the drugs I can think of, if I did not have cannabis I still was not satisfied. Wierd. Ugh. This might be my last smoking day cause im probably running out of it tomorrow. Looking forward to the intesified dreams and all those happy feeling I haven't felt in a long time though.
 

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
Staff member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
13,681
Location
New England
Im in the process to stop smoking cannabis, i've smoked for like 5-6 years and only stopped once before, for a few weeks last year.
Im so fucking angry though, especially in the night/mornings. And I haven't even quit yet. Still smoking maybe 0.20 g/day. Having loads of energy though, and im getting all these various feelings, good and bad, that I haven't felt in years. I feel silly being so addicted to it though, I mean I've managed to quit benso like 3 times, and lyrica also, so this should be a piece of cake but it's not maaaan it's fucking hard??
It's wierd how dependent you can be on something that does not even actually makes you happier, it just kinda dampen my feelings a bit. I've been so hooked that even though I've had all the drugs I can think of, if I did not have cannabis I still was not satisfied. Wierd. Ugh. This might be my last smoking day cause im probably running out of it tomorrow. Looking forward to the intesified dreams and all those happy feeling I haven't felt in a long time though.

Interesting stuff.

I know what you mean about it not even making us happier. Dampening feelings can be wonderful im not going to lie but ultimately it makes everything more difficult because they haven't been dealt with.

I like a nice joint in the morning just to wake up.. lol.. but i try to stay sober for the rest of the day because real life beckons you know?
 

SAT4N_420

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Joined
Jan 18, 2020
Messages
136
Location
COVID-19 infested Hell
Sad to hear you had such a shitty weekend @SAT4N_420 , hopefully this week has been better so far. Have you considered trying to be clean instead of taking things that don't show up on tests? It might be a nice chance at sobriety? Synthetic cannabinoids nowadays are fucking dangerous man, be careful what you order. And also, I don't know if people is still cutting shit with fent, but take that into consideration if you are to take something, so you don't fail your drug test!
For how long did you have to leave tests and stuff?
The thing about sobriety is...well, I really hate it. I mean, so far I've been sober for a week and I'm still feeling alright, but eventually I'm going to start having cravings for consuming anything that will get me high...and yes I do realize how pathetic that sounds.

I don't really know much about synthetic cannabinoids since I've never had much interest in them because I've always been satisfied with weed, so I still need to do a lot of research on it before buying anything. You do make a good point about fentanyl though, it's definitely something to consider. I might be better off sticking to kratom and phenibut since I already know trusted vendors who sell it.

As for the drug testing, my understanding is that they can ask me to do it randomly at any time until the day that I go to court, but depending on what happens in court I might have to do drug tests for some time after court...assuming I don't end up in jail at least.

Im in the process to stop smoking cannabis, i've smoked for like 5-6 years and only stopped once before, for a few weeks last year.
Im so fucking angry though, especially in the night/mornings. And I haven't even quit yet. Still smoking maybe 0.20 g/day. Having loads of energy though, and im getting all these various feelings, good and bad, that I haven't felt in years. I feel silly being so addicted to it though, I mean I've managed to quit benso like 3 times, and lyrica also, so this should be a piece of cake but it's not maaaan it's fucking hard??
It's wierd how dependent you can be on something that does not even actually makes you happier, it just kinda dampen my feelings a bit. I've been so hooked that even though I've had all the drugs I can think of, if I did not have cannabis I still was not satisfied. Wierd. Ugh. This might be my last smoking day cause im probably running out of it tomorrow. Looking forward to the intesified dreams and all those happy feeling I haven't felt in a long time though.
You shouldn't feel silly for being addicted to weed, it's pretty normal to have a hard time quitting something you've been taking for years, and just because you've quit other things before doesn't make the process any easier for other things since they affect you differently.

Honestly, I think a lot of people are addicted to weed and just don't want to admit it because everyone is always saying that weed isn't addictive, while the truth is that just like anything that causes pleasure, it is addictive.

Anyway, I do wish you luck on quitting. I know it's not easy but if you try your best then I'm sure you'll be able to do it.
 

The Axe

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Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
659
I should have been posting here long ago. For about 25 years I have been on fluoxetine, then cymbalta for depression I've had since I was 15, I'm 54 now. This year once Covid started and I started working from home, my marital problems with my wife of 15 years came to a head. I ended up stepping back from work and having a major meltdown after my wife and psychiatrist removed my Cymbalta. Basically I was acting erratically, and started smoking pot which I haven't done in years. I also dropped a mega dose of acid during that time. I went through a pretty intense mania and ended up in the hospital for 5 days. I got prescribed olanzipine 20mg, which is an antipsychotic, but stopped taking it as soon as I was discharged because it turned me into a zombie. So now I'm off antidepressants, off olanzipine, and trying to recover and rest at home. Our kids our at home doing school online because of Covid. My wife and I are barely speaking, I ended up telling her a lot of things that I was upset about for years (she refuses to work, tried to move us into my parents house after they died against my brother and sister's wishes, tried to get me to build her mother a second unit at our house so she and her mother could not work and they could live together). So I'm at my wits end, and its only Monday. I'm still smoking a little pot but I think its time to stop it, I'm debating saving what I have, about 2 grams, or throwing it out. Im still smoking about 1-2 cigarettes a day and taking Nyquil tabs a few nights a week to sleep. Thanks for letting me get this out, hopefully I'll follow up.
 

ashwolf22101

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Joined
Dec 30, 2017
Messages
745
Location
Running with the wild horses in ketamine land
Talked to the disability office today about receiving accommodations for my classes. I hope my application gets approved. I'm sure it will, I'm just being paranoid. I should've done this a long time ago.

She asked "Do you take medications?" and I was like "Yeah". She asked me to list them and every time I listed one she tried to interrupt me as if she assumed I was done. I felt ashamed that I take a lot of medications for my mental health, but they help a lot.

Honestly I don't even take that many compared to other people with PTSD, GAD (social anxiety), Bipolar type II, and Asperger's. Clonazepam, Vraylar (thank God), Xanax as needed, and lamotrigine.

Tbh benzos used to be 'fun' to me but now they're just another medication that I use for legitimate anxiety. There not even recreational for me anymore. Maybe it's just tolerance, idk.
 
Last edited:

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
Staff member
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Aug 8, 2018
Messages
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New England
Honestly I don't even take that many compared to other people with PTSD, GAD (social anxiety), Bipolar type II, and Asperger's. Clonazepam, Vraylar (thank God), Xanax as needed, and lamotrigine.

How do you like vraylar?

I'm on it too. Seems fine. No complaints.

Curious why you say thank god though.

I'm pretty sure vraylar ruins the meth high.

Good luck with accommodations 🙏
 

schizopath

Moderator: Music
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Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
13,551
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Dimension XYZÖ
Man Im getting the "stayed awake and is now getting just barely hear-able hallucinations". Should get sleep at this point
 

schizopath

Moderator: Music
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Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
13,551
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Dimension XYZÖ
Heres some humor to people who suffer from the same disease that I do(being human)

Madness00: Schiz, you wanna go to party?
Schizopath: Not atm, I got parties at my home
Party at home: AMPHETAMINE PSYCHOSIS
 

schizopath

Moderator: Music
Staff member
Joined
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Dimension XYZÖ
Thats only right. Chilling is low key winning imo. Great choice bro.

Saw an new old friend thats 40 something. Seems to me that autistic people can be very passively manipulating at their worst. I fucking hate it.
 

The Axe

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
659
I decided to go back on the olanzipine at 10mg, and am attempting to be cordial and not judge my wife. Might as well medicate.
 
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