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Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

JoEhJoEh

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2015
Messages
2,868
Location
Europe
Honestly? Terrible the last two days again. I'm sleeping such a lot - 14 - 16 h again per day. It was all already abit better and I'm waiting for my psychosomatic rehab now. But this can last..... Also i don't want to force me outside my flat, I just can't - there is no motivation whatsoever.

I think I know why it is so bad again - my neighbour is playing her fucking games with me again. So extreme, that I called the police yesterday, but she of course did not open the door so they can't see and hear how she really is. She's a fucking monster and she knows I am very bad these times. She says so many bad things to me, I don't know where to start. She seems to be a very sadistic monster and I'm sure she needs medication which I have told her already. She sees things that are not there, for example my apartment is burning - 2 times she called the firemen and the police because "there where big clouds of smoke" outside my flat, she let the police come because "JJ is torturing her cats with the hoover" and so on and so on...

Since she knows that I'm unemployed because of Corona and having a major depression it got worse. I'm at home all day and she knows it. There happened so much the last few weeks - I can't do anything. I"n my condition it is really hard to overhear her extremely loud voice since she directly lives next to me and I understand every single word "Oh, JJ is at home since a while, for sure she doesn't want to work and we have to pay her with our taxes! Look, she gained a lot of weight - this comes from being extremely lazy and laying around on our money! And so on.... I know this sounds like nothing to somebody who is mentally strong but I'm not these days, waiting for my rehab.

I also told the policemen that she threatens me she will report that I'm smoking one joint to sleep in the evenings. He was smiling and asked: "But just CBD, right?" Short break - all of them were smiling- and I said "Of course officer". He said: "You know what? Buy a bit of CBD-Grass and keep the bill in your purse because we can not make a difference between CBD or "real grass". If she really reports it and we have to have a look, just show this bill and you are allright. Don't worry, NOTHING will happen to you, here the law changed a bit, even if it's not CBD. You are allowed to smoke weed here. Or do you hide 10 kg anywhere in your apartment?" All were laughing and I said no, I know very well how much I am allowed to have at home.

He asked me then if I'm ok, if they can leave without worrying , if they can do something for me - and I said just "THANK YOU for being so nice and trying to help - I appreciate that a lot."

It was the nicest talk to policemen I ever had. Here in Vienna they are generally cooler than outside of the city. For me it was cool, I took a deep breath and knew she can not do anything against me because I have never done anything to her. She needs a Psychiatrist, that's all. So even today is a really bad day again I feel a bit more secure. Let's see what her next step will be. I have to force myself to ignore her and that's so so so hard for me because she knows how to make me raging.

Sorry for this long post but I had to write this down anywhere - now I'm doing better not to keep it to myself and I'm sure a few people here will understand my issues.

Thank you for being there, Bluelighters.

JJ
 

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
Staff member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
12,374
Location
New England
All people have their own shit to deal with. Sounds like the neighbor consistently wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, to say it lightly.

Ignoring her does sound like the right move. And dealing with rage is tough, i know this.

For me i just try to remember what i said in the first paragraph.

If things get out of hand, sounds like the po po got your back.
 

JoEhJoEh

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2015
Messages
2,868
Location
Europe
All people have their own shit to deal with. Sounds like the neighbor consistently wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, to say it lightly.

Ignoring her does sound like the right move. And dealing with rage is tough, i know this.

For me i just try to remember what i said in the first paragraph.

If things get out of hand, sounds like the po po got your back.
Yeah, I always say if people talk about me behind my back they are already in the right position to kiss my ass.

JJ
 

DeadManWalkin'

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
3,059
Location
Saudi Arabia
Had the usual morning fight with my husband. According to him im blaiming every thing I don't want to do on my PTSD.
Yesterday I showed him this video about ptsd and stress response/anxiety in rats where they explained conditioning. My ex used to have these like 5 hours sessions where I had to account for something I did like every detail, and I could not even just say what was true because he just would not believe me and would keep me there until I had answered everything "right". That happened loads of times.

Tried to explain to my husband that that's why I get all quiet and can't really answer him properly when we have a discussion/argument. For me every "serious" conversation is super stressful. But my husband don't seem to get that it's not just me wanting to get out of an uncomfortable situation. It's like literally hell for me. Especially now with the police hearings and having to think about all this shit again

Sorry blue friends rambling here again as asual
Sounds like you have bad problem, but I think relationships need to be micromanaged in the small level all the time with small corrections, so the problems don't get big.
There has been studies that if there isn't enough negative interactions in relationship, the relationship doesn't last. It was like 4 positive interactions for 1 bad ratio, which would make relationship work.
Some psychiatrist even have this saying of "4 fucks per 1 fight".
I think you should solve your problems with therapist or something.
Standing up with your shoulders straight, facing the problem and learning how to deal with it is mature.
It's extremely immature to avoid serious talk.
I have been in relationships where the girl would try to avoid the serious talk all the time and the thing is, the little things I wanted to talk about just grew inside me to big things and then I started snapping from little shit, because there was so much unsolved shit which I wanted to solve, but it was impossible because only one party wanted it.
And the girl had same kind of excuse as you "My family used to fight so I can't handle these situations."
You have to realize that your husband isn't your ex.
If your ex is affecting your relationship still, after all these years, it's really bad thing and you should get it solved.
Get out of your comfort zone and learn.
I'm not being mean here, but if my fiancee's ex was affecting my current relationship as badly as they do in your relationship, I couldn't handle it.
Try to get in his position and think about these things.
He isn't your ex.
What I have understood about him is that he's hardworking and great guy.
You are in home getting high all the time and he's the one bringing the food to the table.
He should get some points from that and I think he feels like he deserves you at least making an effort to solve your problems.
I get that mental issues can be overwhelming, but he isn't your therapist. He's your man.
You should get help, really.
Seems like you have these walls inside your head which make it impossible for you to do normal things and it's time to start tearing them down, specially now as your situation has gotten better in the ex-department.
I'm not being mean, but I'm not here to give empathy.
I'm here to give advice and if you want a healthy and functioning relationship, you should be able to talk with your man.
 

on.my.way🌿

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
383
Thanks @DeadManWalkin' I've thought about some of the things you've said previously to you saying it but I think I needed to hear it from another person. Your whole post was much needed right now and got me thinking.

I have been in relationships where the girl would try to avoid the serious talk all the time and the thing is, the little things I wanted to talk about just grew inside me to big things and then I started snapping from little shit, because there was so much unsolved shit which I wanted to solve, but it was impossible because only one party wanted it.
^ This helped explain a lot I believe that's exactly how my husband is feeling.

We are kind of at a breaking point now, im not even sure I want to continue the relationship, he does not seem to keen to either, but im gonna take the things you said into consideration and at least try to make our time together more pleasant, whether the relationship will end or not. I really needed a bit of scolding DMW thanks again : )
 

on.my.way🌿

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
383
Been schizoing that i have hiv. Or c hep. Gonna get myself tested soon enough.
Treatment for hep C has come a long way, it's treatable with just a few months of medication. I did it and did not even have side effects from the meds. Here in Sweden I still think you have to be sober to get treatment but soon they are going to make the treatment available even for active users as I understood.
 

DeadManWalkin'

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
3,059
Location
Saudi Arabia
^^ That's really interesting about the 4 fucks 1 fight.

I like that.
Did some googling and it's actually 5 to 1 ratio.
Don't try to google 4 fucks for 1 fight. I heard it in a video where some psychiatrist was explaining these things, but googling this shit will only lead to you getting cuck'd. I got lil cuck'd googling these things for you guys so I made the sacrifice, but my brain can handle it since I've been training resistance for years.
So, you should google "negative/positive interactions in relationship ratio" or something.
Thanks @DeadManWalkin' I've thought about some of the things you've said previously to you saying it but I think I needed to hear it from another person. Your whole post was much needed right now and got me thinking.


^ This helped explain a lot I believe that's exactly how my husband is feeling.

We are kind of at a breaking point now, im not even sure I want to continue the relationship, he does not seem to keen to either, but im gonna take the things you said into consideration and at least try to make our time together more pleasant, whether the relationship will end or not. I really needed a bit of scolding DMW thanks again : )
Well, I think you should make real effort to make things work out - since otherwise you've been just wasting your and his time.
Lets say you got a business. Your business starts going downhill but you've spent years running that business. Do you just let the business run to the ground? It would be the easy choice. Hard choice would make changes in the business structure to make the business work in a way it's supposed to, which is to get return on your investments.
You can think relationships pretty much the same way. However, I think most people get more attached to other people than businesses, so in your case there should be even a bigger reason to give it a REAL try. Not something like "Yeah, we'll work this out."
Last time we spoke you were telling me something along these lines "I will leave him so it's better for him because I have substance abuse problems and he wants to be clean."
And here is the magic thing - get the fuck out of your comfort zone. Try getting clean. You aren't even physically dependent on anything.
You can't change him, but you can change yourself. And if you're having problems all around, the problem is probably in you and not in the world.
Good thing here is that you can change it.
I like to be the reason I fail, since if something else was the reason, affecting it would be much harder/even impossible than just changing myself. It needs a real effort tho.
 

SAT4N_420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2020
Messages
133
Location
COVID-19 infested Hell
Well, I had a pretty shitty weekend. I made some reckless mistakes while hypomanic which resulted in me getting arrested on Friday night. Luckily I was able to get out on a personal bond so I don't have to pay anything as long as I don't miss court and follow some conditions...which unfortunately includes no alcohol or illegal substance use and not being able to refuse any breath, urine or sobriety field test...so basically I'm going to have to stick to substances that are legal or at the very least don't show up on drug tests...the first things that come to mind are kratom, phenibut and I think synthetic cannabinoids? I'm going to have to look into that some more.

If being in jail wasn't bad enough, after I got released I was basically homeless for all of Sunday because no one could pick me up and the cop who arrested me put both my phone and my wallet in my backpack which stayed in the town jail where I was initially taken to before being transferred to the county jail where I was released...

Anyway, I was finally able to get in contact with my parents who were able to pick me up and now this whole misadventure has come to an end, and I'm finally home. Luckily I remained hypomanic through the whole ordeal because if I had crashed into depression at any point during this situation I can't imagine how much worse it would have been.

Also, turns out that possession of any amount of acid is a felony? Seems pretty fucked up if you ask me....
 

ovenbakedskittles

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 11, 2014
Messages
308
I always feel like there are so many damn things in my head and I want to express them to people because I feel like a lot of it is really important information. I don’t mean to sound arrogant or nothing but I have always been really self conscious about everything I do and say and I feel like there’s good and bad things that came out of that.

I can see both sides of peoples arguments and see how they both make sense and how they both don’t at the same time like the yin and the yang on steroids and it can make it really hard to explain things properly sometimes and cause me to contradict myself at times.

I personally don’t believe in putting a label on myself and saying I have depression or split personality or something like that but I do have mental troubles and disturbances just like anyone else. But I believe my problems and experiences have given me a pretty interesting perspective.

I will probably just be replying to old threads now because I have a very intense form of what most people would call “social...anxiety”. And I isolate and spend a lot of time reading and on the internet and stuff. But that has given me more opportunity to learn about a multitude of different subjects and to hear what different people think and how it all
connects to the big picture.

I think it’s sad that people disregard the spiritual. People on this website seem to be pretty open minded but I feel like a majority of people in the general public are real skeptical of the spirit world and have a lot of insecurities and fears surrounding it. And as a result they don’t know how to properly treat people who are considered “schizophrenic” who have a clearer perception of that world than we do. It is understandable because we are born into the physical and as a result that is all we know and it’s hard to imagine something else being out there without it seeming like just a meaningless abstract thing in your mind.

But I feel like familiarizing yourself with these spiritual and emotional concepts and sensibilities will be the key to healing us as individuals and us as a society in a much faster and effective way than current methods.

To answer your question I feel both incredibly optimistic but at the same time very distressed.
 

MidniteMedicineMan13

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 8, 2019
Messages
308
Location
TEXAS
I feel hopeless, mentally drained, unappreciated, forgotten, unwanted, stressed, disappointed, unimportant, and like no matter how hard i try i just get a kick to the nuts from life and from the world.
 

LordOfThisWorld

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 3, 2020
Messages
161
I've been having low self esteem lately, every time I start a new job, I'm working at a place where basically, I'm the only one without a college degree, all I have is a lot of experience, that's why I got hired, I feel like the college graduates are pushing me around telling me what to do constantly, these are people probably straight out of school with just a piece of paper, especially this one Chinese lady who went to an expensive university, who I can barely understand what she says and have to ask her 3 times before I can decipher what shes's saying.

Making me feel worthless and depressed and yesterday she was whispering around me, not that she has to because I can't understand a lick what she says anyways, but I take it as she was probably talking about me, people don't understand when you start a new job, even if you 50 yrs experience in the field, you still have to be trained and learn the new operations at the new company, but they have a sheet of paper so that makes me less of a person not having one to them.
 
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