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Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

Rupert D

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Oct 1, 2018
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37
Cheers mate. Yeah, you're right. I've been isolated for two years and it's taking its toll. There's a long crawl back but I hope to do it.

Yeah, still navigating my way around and figured that these two forum groups are best for me and I'd love to help others, too.
 

madness00

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Isolation is no good for me either. I need structure otherwise i fuck around.

And it's good to hear that you particularly want to help others.

My mood is so-so. Hard to gauge when i've been sitting in the library on my laptop all day long and had no social interactions. Went on a meth binge last night into this morning, last line at 8AM, still feel a bit nauseous. Even though the crank i get isn't the best, still, 2 grams in 16 hours is a bit much. Initially i was going to dose every three hours, but turns out i was chasing a high that would never come. I think i remember the rush from slamming it, and try to get that rush from snorting, fail, do another line, etc., but it's never enough.
 

zombiesarepeaceful

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Oct 2, 2006
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off the grid
I have MDD (major depressive disorder), ADHD and GAD plus panic disorder. Currently self medicating for most of it because drs suck and I can't afford to see a good one that will treat me effectively. Phenibut, alcohol, caffeine. They're lucky that I have no friends and can't get hard drugs in this area, or who is actually lucky in this case? I would take crack, coke or meth in a heartbeat. Or stimulant pills. The fucking dr won't accept that adult adhd is a real thing, that stims slow me down, and prescribe them so why fucking bother anymore when no one will bother to try and help.
 

madness00

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Caffeine is a good one. Have you ever tried caffeine pills? I feel like it's all the same caffeination without the jitters. And dude, if you take 600mg, i swear you feel like you're on meth but without the euphoria, which is kind of a big deal, but i mean, you'll be in the zone otherwise. You won't spend four hours masturbating either like you would on meth.
 

treezy z

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belly of the beast, MA
I don't feel any mania or psychosis at this point. I honestly think I was misdiagnosed with everything because I was a dissociative and hallucinogen abuser. Only psych meds are Wellbutrin and gabapentin, which I enjoy (not recreationally) and 50mg of seroquel because I would be up for days without it.
 

madness00

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I used to be on wellies, such a good drug.

I'd blow 1500mg in an hour while masturbating and think my heart was gunna explode.
 

treezy z

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I only take it as prescribed. You lucked out not having a seizure using it like that (lowers seizure threshold, I don't use benzos or alcohol because of this.)
 

madness00

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That's smart.

I think i was addicted to snorting them, because it was intermingled with sex.

A lot of things that give you a high, and are intermingled with sex, become addicting.

Just ask Ted Bundy.

And hey, if it's a good reason to not drink or use benzos then that's awesome.
 

treezy z

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That's smart.

I think i was addicted to snorting them, because it was intermingled with sex.

A lot of things that give you a high, and are intermingled with sex, become addicting.

Just ask Ted Bundy.

And hey, if it's a good reason to not drink or use benzos then that's awesome.

It's mostly because I lose control of my actions to a degree on those drugs. I'm lucky I didn't get arrested last time I did xanax.
 

madness00

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Not doing well today at all.

Not sure if BP related or because of my lack of drug situation. Or something else which i won't mention.

IDK how i feel. It's just bad. And i don't feel like living anymore. I'm not actively suicidal, but i don't want to live, either.
 

treezy z

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Madness I'm out of drugs too been walking miles a day bumping death metal so I don't spazz. I'm going back to work this week but may end up choosing sobriety. I'm decently paid and all the money I should save goes to drugs.
 

madness00

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Alright man, I'll try not to spazz lol.

Yeah I could use some death metal right now music's a good idea. Also walking helps me.

Hope you choose sobriety take care.
 

thisismylife

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Jul 18, 2018
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29
Anyone else here dealing with unrelenting and debilitating anxiety? I am so scared this is how the rest of my life is going to be. Not sure how old most of you are, but I'm 58, and I can't face my life if this is how the rest of it is going to be.

After being in an inpatient rehab from mid-August to mid-September of this year, where they tapered me off of 1.25 mg. Xanax a day in 2.5 weeks, I reacted so badly that I had to leave so I could see my own doctors (the rehab never consulted with them) and deal with the medical issues it created (severe GI issues - I now have colitis). So my psychiatrist put me back on .5mg. ER Xanax, one in the AM and one in the PM. But I've been having some breakthrough anxiety that I have permission to take additional Xanax PRN. On Friday, I had to take an additional .75mg (3 .25 mg. ODT about 45 in between to see what it would take to work) when I spent over two hours at the DMV waiting to take my written driver's test (we just moved to a new state). I did OK this weekend, no extra doses, although there was breakthrough anxiety... I dealt with it. But this morning I'm miserable and the thought of starting off my week like this is just unbearable. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm afraid of everything. I do see my new psychiatrist this afternoon for a second appt. Back in 2013 when I entered the hospital inpatient for ECT, I was taking .5 mg. ER Xanax three times a day, and four weeks later when I was discharged, I quickly weaned myself down (no one told me I had to, I just did it with no problems) .25mg. short-acting BID, and within a couple of weeks was off it completely. I credit it all to the ECT, which also made my depression disappear. To be clear, I did not do ECT for anxiety; I did it for the treatment-resistant depression, but in the end it made the anxiety go away, too.
 

madness00

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Wow, that's an inspiring story.

I too have tried ECT - but since they took me off my Lithium cold turkey in order to do the procedure, I got suicidality depressed. So to this day I am not sure if it helped or not, but i'm glad to hear such a success story. Yeah, depression is what is was made for, but helping with anxiety.. what a bonus. The two are closely related, though.

But I am a bit confuse.. do you still have anxiety or not? You say you're scared you'll be this way forever, but then say ECT made it go away?

Either way, thanks for sharing :)
 

thisismylife

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Yes, debilitating anxiety again. Lots of PTSD starting 18 months ago. H's best friend died, then four months later I found out H had had three affairs in the previous two years. After thoughtful deliberation (and my contacting an attorney to start divorce proceedings), we decided to repair the marriage, and he has done everything he's been asked to do (and then some) by me or our marriage counselor. Never once blamed me; took all the blame himself (as it should be). He went to an inpatient rehab to deal with childhood trauma; two months after he returned I had two brothers (somewhat estranged, but still, I had a long history with them as being my big brothers) die twelve days apart. Then H started getting wind that there was going to be a parallel move in his job at a company he'd been at for almost 30 years (he was told to create whatever he wanted to do, but we worried a year from then they might say it wasn't working out and let him go - he was an expensive, high-achieving employee) about the time a friend and colleague across the country started recruiting him for a job at a start up (he could have retired but loves his work and wants to work a few more years). As we were making this decision to uproot our lives of almost 30 years, I did some genetic testing (recommended by an oncologist due to a lot of cancer in my family) and found out I have a genetic mutation meaning I have a 50% chance of developing colorectal cancer in my lifetime. So one bomb kept getting dropped on top of another bomb and my nervous system couldn't deal with it all. And we ended up deciding to take the new job, so there was the stress all that entailed. So it's been an 18 months of trying my damnedest to deal with one crisis after another, and the anxiety returned. Every professional that knows me says it's completely understandable... that just one of those events alone is anxiety provoking. So yea, my anxiety is back full force, and the debilitation creates depression.
 

madness00

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It's good to be reassured that this is only situational, though. No one can go through something like that and say that weren't torn emotionally in one way or another.

How often do they have you doing ECT? Do you still go for checkups? Would now be a good time to revisit it?
 

thisismylife

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Jul 18, 2018
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I haven't done ECT since I finished those twelve sessions back in 2013. My M.O. is that I typically don't get depressed unless my anxiety is out of control, and I was able to manage, participate and engage in life until a year and a half ago.

Actually, four years (nine months after I completed ECT) ago I was diagnosed with gynecological cancer (a complete hysterectomy cured me, so I didn't need chemo or radiation), and 7.5 weeks after surgery, I developed sepsis from an internal surgical site and spent five nights in the hospital (sepsis has a 30% mortality rate and I knew this then); less than two weeks of getting out of the hospital, at 1AM, a burglar broke into our house while we were upstairs in our bedroom (H was asleep, I was still awake and heard him come in the back door); thankfully he only got H's wallet, watch and iPod, but even with all those horrible things going on in such a short period of time, I was able to manage my anxiety appropriately. This current round of traumas all started in February 2017. I think most people who do ECT only do it once in their lives; there are some people who, after having that first round, do maintenance ECT. That can look like going every 4-6 weeks for one session, indefinitely. But they know they need to do that because they initially respond to ECT, but then it wears off quickly. Mine did not wear off. An argument could be made that, if I chose to do it again, I could do a series of 6-12 sessions, then do some form of maintenance.
 

madness00

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Yeah it's worth thinking about.

On the other hand, once all this blows over, or at least you come to terms with it, so may the anxiety.
 
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