Stimulants Meh :/

[slw0363]

This is just a venting post more than anything but I've been on meth now for about 8 years solid.
I knew I hated being addicted from it since almost the beginning but I've maybe only gotten like 3 months of sobriety once and that was the longest amount of time I've been sober since I started.
Like I really honestly fucking hate my addiction. I hate how it makes me pick my face for fucking hours I hate how at night I become a totally fucking different person "oh well we can get a little bit" I hate that I could literally spend YEARS clean and then out of nowhere I could be reminded of the addiction I once had and start using again.
I have a dog. He's my best friend. And it's not that he's mistreated because he's not, but what the fuck kind of shitty person am I where he doesn't know if his dad is gonna actually be there or not.
I think about a lot why I can't stop using.
Am I retarded?
Am I so smart I can hardly stand life on life's terms that I have to use?
You're gonna tell me to stop over thinking, I already know, but the problem is I don't even know what normal thinking is.
It turns out I have this voice in my head 24/7 and I learned from watching a Tik Tok video that normal people didn't have that and so now I come back to the question if I'm retarded? I don't even know how to find the answer to why I keep using but I wish I'd find it pretty fast like bc my body is starting to hurt in ways that I could only describe to you as what old people would describe their bodies on their last few years. Am I dying? Why do I try to keep hope when I don't even know how to stop using? All I literally have to do is nothing. What is so fucking hard about it. Can't I see the relationships it's ruined? Can't I see the jobs I've lost, the homes I've lost, the hours of sleep, friends, and last bits of sanity you've traded?

It's funny because my mom was always mad at me for using but she never knew I was on her side. I doubt she ever truly realized it.

I'm tired. It's 5:30 and I need to sleep at least a little. I already smoked and stroked for the night so now if I go to sleep I'll get exactly 3 hours of sleep before I go to work.

Or maybe I should stay up.

Nah I'd probably look a little twacked out if I didn't go to sleep.

I meant this message for the void but if you made it this far then thank you. I've never posted here but I am without a reason of a doubt feeling the most hopeless about my addiction than I've ever felt in my life.

I don't want this shit to kill me but so far it's doing a real good job of trying.

And I'm pretty sure 99% of the shit I be doing these days is iso right like I have no idea what I'm doing I just know I want it.

Idk. I have a lot more to add and idk if I'm doing this under the wrong thread or what and I'm sorry if I am but yeah... Thanks for listening, I guess.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Have you tried seeking professional help? A lot of people can just quit but a significant number of people need professional help - especially at the beginning.

 

[slw0363]

When you say voice in your head is this like an inner monolog you maintain yourself or do you actually perceive a voice talking to you like an auditory hallucination?

Hi sorry it took so long to reply I hope to be posting here more often... Anyways... The voice in my head I don't believe is a hallucination. And I say this feeling like I've had hallucinations before. I even remember back when I first started abusing meth I would hear what I thought were cops standing outside my door. I also remember hearing stuff like my best friends and mom sitting outside the door mocking me or judging me and at the time that was my first experience with hallucinations but it took some time (I'd say about a year or so) to realize what they were, but ever since then (until very recently, about 8 years later) I've been really good about determining what was brought on by the usage. Now these days I'd say my hallucinations are more like delusions and they're a lot more trickier to perceive and translate. Recently however I've straight up just fuckin lost it like I've never liked that I was an addict and I always got super pissed at people who didn't find problems with their addictions. Like when I get too stressed like I'll straight up see shit, hear shit... This doesn't happen often thankfully and thankfully I'm very slowly getting over my addiction finally so the times where I've been up too often are fewer and farther between but it's gotten to the point, with that being said, that even just one use can trigger me into an episode... And I'm not even using NEAR as much as I used to. It's crazy. It's like my body is just fuckin done.

 

[NicoOregon]

I call foul post.

 

[slw0363]

I call foul post.

I don't... I don't really know what this means I'm sorry. If it's not posted in the right place I can remove it plus who just wants to hear a bunch of bitching anyways haha

 

[deficiT]

I'm sorry you're struggling. You definitely aren't mentally challenged. Those voices very well might stuff when you put down the meth. I understand that is difficult, but maybe you'll need to go to detox and a rehab. Either way, we are here to support you, you are free to vent.

 

[ItzCritz]

This is just a venting post more than anything but I've been on meth now for about 8 years solid.
I knew I hated being addicted from it since almost the beginning but I've maybe only gotten like 3 months of sobriety once and that was the longest amount of time I've been sober since I started.
Like I really honestly fucking hate my addiction. I hate how it makes me pick my face for fucking hours I hate how at night I become a totally fucking different person "oh well we can get a little bit" I hate that I could literally spend YEARS clean and then out of nowhere I could be reminded of the addiction I once had and start using again.
I have a dog. He's my best friend. And it's not that he's mistreated because he's not, but what the fuck kind of shitty person am I where he doesn't know if his dad is gonna actually be there or not.
I think about a lot why I can't stop using.
Am I retarded?
Am I so smart I can hardly stand life on life's terms that I have to use?
You're gonna tell me to stop over thinking, I already know, but the problem is I don't even know what normal thinking is.
It turns out I have this voice in my head 24/7 and I learned from watching a Tik Tok video that normal people didn't have that and so now I come back to the question if I'm retarded? I don't even know how to find the answer to why I keep using but I wish I'd find it pretty fast like bc my body is starting to hurt in ways that I could only describe to you as what old people would describe their bodies on their last few years. Am I dying? Why do I try to keep hope when I don't even know how to stop using? All I literally have to do is nothing. What is so fucking hard about it. Can't I see the relationships it's ruined? Can't I see the jobs I've lost, the homes I've lost, the hours of sleep, friends, and last bits of sanity you've traded?

It's funny because my mom was always mad at me for using but she never knew I was on her side. I doubt she ever truly realized it.

I'm tired. It's 5:30 and I need to sleep at least a little. I already smoked and stroked for the night so now if I go to sleep I'll get exactly 3 hours of sleep before I go to work.

Or maybe I should stay up.

Nah I'd probably look a little twacked out if I didn't go to sleep.

I meant this message for the void but if you made it this far then thank you. I've never posted here but I am without a reason of a doubt feeling the most hopeless about my addiction than I've ever felt in my life.

I don't want this shit to kill me but so far it's doing a real good job of trying.

And I'm pretty sure 99% of the shit I be doing these days is iso right like I have no idea what I'm doing I just know I want it.

Idk. I have a lot more to add and idk if I'm doing this under the wrong thread or what and I'm sorry if I am but yeah... Thanks for listening, I guess.

Heroine and crack.. the void i write poetry about the void alot.


I know your pain brother it ttook rehab and family and love ... we can't all do it alone