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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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imabicycle

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 4, 2014
Messages
88
it really sucks that coder and me still see relatively no improvement after like seven months. Still full blown panic mode. I don't get this I never had anxiety before this and I dont see why im not getting better. I feel like im different from the rest of everyone around here because everyone is on an upward slope however slight. I am not. I need some comforting guys I've been so strong for so long and I don't get why its not helping me. if it was just dp and depression I think I could fix this but I don't get what to do with the anxiety. I've followed everyone's advice and all. It's not like I've given in I've been fighting. I'm so scared this'll last
 

ro4eva

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 8, 2004
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3,886
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'Mutts' can unite tribes :-)
it really sucks that coder and me still see relatively no improvement after like seven months. Still full blown panic mode. I don't get this I never had anxiety before this and I dont see why im not getting better. I feel like im different from the rest of everyone around here because everyone is on an upward slope however slight. I am not. I need some comforting guys I've been so strong for so long and I don't get why its not helping me. if it was just dp and depression I think I could fix this but I don't get what to do with the anxiety. I've followed everyone's advice and all. It's not like I've given in I've been fighting. I'm so scared this'll last
I sincerely apologize if I asked you already, as I have a horrible short term memory, however, have you seen a psychiatrist about the anxiety? (S)he could prescribe you something. I'm 99% sure that with the right dosage of the right medication, your anxiety would be significantly relieved, if not gone completely.

I suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks due mainly to some rather traumatic difficulties while growing up. This serious issue was exponentially increased in severity once I got sick with the so-called LTC for ~19 months.

No matter what I tried to do, I could not lower my anxiety levels, and I tried just about everything, including:

- lots and lots of cardio-based exercise
- avoiding stressful situations and stress triggers (there were many)
- cognitive behavioral therapy
- meditation and mindfullness
- counselling/psychology/guidance
- breathing exercises
- staying away from alcoholic beverages, tobacco/nicotine products, anything which contains caffeine
- zero uses of any other Rx and clandestinely manufactured drugs, whether it was therapeutic or recreational in nature
- avoiding foods/drinks high in saturated fats, processed and/or starchy carbohydrates, MSG and other preservatives, artificial sweeteners, gluten, etc.
- not avoiding foods/drinks high in protein, fiber, healthy fats, vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, etc.
- keeping away from bad influences, which in my case came from many different things
- maintaining a balanced sleep-wake cycle or circadian rhythm (or at least trying to)
- experimentation with certain herbs/supplements such as chamomile, passionflower, hops, barley, valerian, and melatonin (Edit - also tried magnesium)
- trying to remain optimistic and to not obsess over my health issues as it just makes it worse IMO

Long story short, I eventually gave up and saw my family physician, who referred me to a psychiatrist and Rx'd me a 30 day supply of Xanax (Alprazolam) 0.5mg TID.

I went and got the prescription filled, but was too scared to take any at first because I was concerned that it would further damage whatever damage I did by recklessly eating a nasty ecstasy pill without testing it.

About a week later, I eventually gave in due to sheer frustration. I was at work at the time and was very close to having a panic attack and losing it at the same time due to workplace stress.

Approximately 45 minutes after taking one of the pills, I felt so relaxed, and I'll never forget that day because it was the first time I was anxiety-free in several years. And that night I ended up sleeping like a baby.

I should note that about 3 years after I started using the Xanax, my doctor tried to switch me over to Klonopin (Clonazepam) because he was concerned about the therapeutic effect of the Xanax wearing off. Well, perhaps it's just me, but Clonazepam is extremely weak. Even though it was an equivalent dosage, I went into benzo withdrawal 3 days after switching, so he quickly switched me back, and within an hour of switching back I was fine. Weird huh?

I dunno - I find Klonopin (Clonazepam) to be very, very weak. I had to use 2mg to temporarily stave off benzo withdrawal symptoms from 0.5mg of Xanax (Alprazolam).

That's my story anyways. That's what worked for me. The catch is that my body is dependent on the shit, but I feel the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Eventually, I do wanna get off, but it will have to wait until I do some more CBT/meditation/mindfullness sessions, which will help me to control my anxiety/panic without having to resort to a drug.
 
Last edited:

ScaredFirstTimer

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2013
Messages
317
it really sucks that coder and me still see relatively no improvement after like seven months. Still full blown panic mode. I don't get this I never had anxiety before this and I dont see why im not getting better. I feel like im different from the rest of everyone around here because everyone is on an upward slope however slight. I am not. I need some comforting guys I've been so strong for so long and I don't get why its not helping me. if it was just dp and depression I think I could fix this but I don't get what to do with the anxiety. I've followed everyone's advice and all. It's not like I've given in I've been fighting. I'm so scared this'll last
Okay.

This was the case with another comedown sufferer and friend basically as I've spoken much with him. He had full blown anxiety and depression for months and months without any real improvement, until he started meditating for real.

This will work if you are ready to try. Read Eckhart Tolle's "The power of now".
 

imabicycle

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 4, 2014
Messages
88
What was his bluelight name or wasnt he from here sct? and well ro ur right ofc though i would go the ssri route, never benzos. Ro4eva, I feel like having no emotional trauma other than this and not being a scared person in general (before this) I should be to get back to normal without staying on permanent medication or suffering really bad withdrawals. I have only started talking to a psychiatrist (like last week) so i wanne give that a try first she says anxiety can usually be fixed without medication certainly if you havent always had it. So we'll see how it goes. Cheers.
 

ro4eva

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 8, 2004
Messages
3,886
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'Mutts' can unite tribes :-)
Ro4eva, I feel like having no emotional trauma other than this and not being a scared person in general (before this) I should be to get back to normal without staying on permanent medication or suffering really bad withdrawals. I have only started talking to a psychiatrist (like last week) so i wanne give that a try first she says anxiety can usually be fixed without medication certainly if you havent always had it. So we'll see how it goes. Cheers.
I recall you telling me about that now - about the fact that you don't recall ever experiencing anything traumatic (emotionally) other than the LTC.

Could it be possible that you did experience something in the past that was so traumatic that your mind blocked that part of your memory? It's probably not this, but I'm just trying to throw out some ideas why you may be feeling the way you are, which sucks I know.

Have you ever considered trying hypnosis? I'm no guru regarding it, but perhaps it may help provide some answers.

If anything, know this: As a last resort, there is medication available. It has side effects and other risks, which means that you'll probably have to consider if the benefits outweigh the risks - that is, if you decide to go this route at all.

Good luck with everything, cheers :)
 

futura2012

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 28, 2012
Messages
1,371
Location
United Kingdom
it really sucks that coder and me still see relatively no improvement after like seven months. Still full blown panic mode. I don't get this I never had anxiety before this and I dont see why im not getting better. I feel like im different from the rest of everyone around here because everyone is on an upward slope however slight. I am not. I need some comforting guys I've been so strong for so long and I don't get why its not helping me. if it was just dp and depression I think I could fix this but I don't get what to do with the anxiety. I've followed everyone's advice and all. It's not like I've given in I've been fighting. I'm so scared this'll last
Don't worry my friend you are not alone with these symptoms. It all seems like the end of the world then one magical day that dreaded anxiety will lift and once it lifts the recovery comes fast. You will know when its that time trust me.

Took me two years but once that time hits life is beautiful again. Trust me I know how horrific it is.

The true secret in all this is

Dont:

(1) Make Comparisons
(2) Think you are permanently fucked because you arent
(3) Try and work out the neurology / chemistry / biology of what is going on as its way to complex for ANYONE to know

Do

(1) Accept where you are knowing only time is in the way of your recovery
(2) Stop trauling the internet for "answers" the answer is simple - DRUG INDUCED ANXIETY
(3) Try and live life as normally as before. Its ironic but all the pain is in your mind. Any anxiety / DPDR / depression book will tell you that the downward spiral will be quicker broken by living life to the full. IGNORE the sickness. Once you properly ignore it then is gone. You may thing wtf is this guy saying but I HONESTLY know this is the truth as I have been there and lived all this pain myself. i have effectively worn the T Shirt.

Please be careful LTC sufferers and PLEASE DONT MAKE ANY LIFE AND DEATH DECISIONS as they are purely based on now not the future.

We have lost one member from this BS who made a life and death decision and the awful thing about this decision is NOW as I speak he would be okay again. learn from this dont make this statistic become you!!

The future is bright.. you just need time.

Love and sympathy to anyone suffering this awful experience.
 

thejibberman

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2014
Messages
199
Been 100% for the last week, even not noticing my eye floaters anymore. Once LTC sufferers start calming down, spaces between panic will slowly get longer, to the point where it's never!
 

PJ2

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 9, 2014
Messages
152
For those longer term sufferers, everyone is different. I was getting better at 6 months and then decided to get rid of the remaining symptoms by taking Paxil and occasionally Xanax. It's worked for me partly because I needed to be on Paxil anyway because I was having depression problems pre-LTC. As for the Xanax, I think I am now down to about 4 Xanax a month whereas before I was taking it multiple times a week. I used to also never leave the house without one in my pocket (just in case). I rarely even think about taking one now.

So, I guess my point is that medication can and should be an option. It's not like you have to stay married to it for life. I don't see any need to needlessly suffer.
 

pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
548
Don't worry my friend you are not alone with these symptoms. It all seems like the end of the world then one magical day that dreaded anxiety will lift and once it lifts the recovery comes fast. You will know when its that time trust me.

Took me two years but once that time hits life is beautiful again. Trust me I know how horrific it is.

The true secret in all this is

Dont:

(1) Make Comparisons
(2) Think you are permanently fucked because you arent
(3) Try and work out the neurology / chemistry / biology of what is going on as its way to complex for ANYONE to know

Do

(1) Accept where you are knowing only time is in the way of your recovery
(2) Stop trauling the internet for "answers" the answer is simple - DRUG INDUCED ANXIETY
(3) Try and live life as normally as before. Its ironic but all the pain is in your mind. Any anxiety / DPDR / depression book will tell you that the downward spiral will be quicker broken by living life to the full. IGNORE the sickness. Once you properly ignore it then is gone. You may thing wtf is this guy saying but I HONESTLY know this is the truth as I have been there and lived all this pain myself. i have effectively worn the T Shirt.

Please be careful LTC sufferers and PLEASE DONT MAKE ANY LIFE AND DEATH DECISIONS as they are purely based on now not the future.

We have lost one member from this BS who made a life and death decision and the awful thing about this decision is NOW as I speak he would be okay again. learn from this dont make this statistic become you!!

The future is bright.. you just need time.

Love and sympathy to anyone suffering this awful experience.
i agree with this. but its damn hard to just ignore it. Ive been trying that. I feel like the more I fight it, the harder it hits. I try not to fight it. the DP just wont let already. Im so tired of feeling that emotional disconnected feeling. Thats the hardest thing to ignore, enlighten me how to just ignore that lack of spark feeling. I hate faking my excitement. I feel like my life misses that motivated feeling. Dotn get me wrong ,Im still having a great time with my self, its just that it feels like something is missing.

Going to a show tonight, gonna just do my best to just enjoy it as much as I can.

Its like I have a deamon in my head that constantly tells me "you cant enjoy this", "this isnt fun", "you dont have excitement" I cant fucking escape it. Its like going to a club with a tack in your show. Sure you can pretent to have a good time, but on the inside your fucking annoyed the whole time and if that little tack was gone, you just focus on having fun and not pushing through something. I swear, I think I was possesed sometimes. I do something fun, and that voice in my head tells me "you not gonna have fun" even before I do it. Thats my issue. Ive been trying to work around that hard core. that little voice in my head that shoots everything down.
 

pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
548
ya know what, I kinda wanna take back half of my above post. Listening to music right now (and anyone who follows my post knows its been an issue for me) The spark is there. Yet that emotional spark Ive been chasing is sooo fucking dim that thats what I focus on. THOUGH, Its far brighter than a year ago, but still really dim. I have to recognize it getting brighter. yet, that deamon in my head likes to point out how dim it is constantly. Its like my brain is wired to only seek out negative. This is what I need to reverse. There is alot of good in my life and even how I feel, yet my brain (ego) likes to seek out the negative and shove it in my face and distracts me from all the good that Ive gotten lately. Just gotta keep reminding my self of the above. Its hard, really hard. But One day, I know i will stop thinking this way.
 

imabicycle

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 4, 2014
Messages
88
No i have no other stressors. I even had delayed onset of month which deep down worries me. But you are all so sweet ill stop whining and fight some more.
 

me2point0

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 23, 2014
Messages
216
YOU WERE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME. WE WERE AT THE SAME POINT IN THE LTC!!!! ahah im joking. I'm relieved you feel 100%. I was on the verge of feeling like you, but then I started having twitches wich skyrocked my anxiety. Anxiety is all. Twitching arent going away. I'm coming back I swear
 

PJ2

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 9, 2014
Messages
152
Been 100% for the last week, even not noticing my eye floaters anymore. Once LTC sufferers start calming down, spaces between panic will slowly get longer, to the point where it's never!
There could be some logic problems here and I've seen this fairly often in these threads. "Once LTC sufferers start calming down" - maybe, just maybe, it's impossible to just start calming down and the reason you, I, or others are able to do so finally is because we've reached a level of healing that allows it to occur. In fact, I'm certain this is the case. Anything and everything used to cause me stress and anxiety initially. I mean, I spent large chunks of time staying inside and staying in bed even. Not much to stress over. And, I still didn't function too well.

Not trying to single you out for any reason. I just thought this point needed to be made! Thanks.
 

severely etarded

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 5, 2009
Messages
7,713
Location
18 Wheeler loaded with drugs northbound
I don't think MDMA did this to people in the '90s, when I was taking it.
Yep. Back in the 90's people didn't freak themselves out reading horror stories on a drug forum. Almost everyone who complained of a long-term comedown recommends to stop obsessively searching for answers to a problem that little more than a healthy lifestyle and patience can fix.
 

PJ2

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 9, 2014
Messages
152
I don't think MDMA did this to people in the '90s, when I was taking it.
And, how would you know this? Perhaps there was no forum for people to find and gather to discuss things. I don't think it's common, but it certainly is not uncommon as you can see in here.
 

pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
548
All honestly. I smoked so much bud last night. I felt great. And today I'm doing great. I noticed a lot of it's in my head when I get high. I try to control my self when I get high previously. Yesterday I just focused on letting it go and felt fine. Don't even feel shifty today. Interesting I think. Not that I'm recommending pot. I guess my mind is mending back and I'm forming a resilience. Woot
 
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