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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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trancetasy

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2006
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planet earth
years ago i was popping 2 mdma gel caps per day for a few weeks, i usually have a decent breakfast in the morning. around 10am i dropped my first one, proceed to play online gaming until 1 pm i drop my 2nd one and continue gaming. around 6 pm i eat a little bit of banana and bread. off to sleep at 10pm with no problem.

on weekends i usually double my dose, i think it was the 3rd weekend of binge i realize there was something wrong with my body. i stopped taking mdma gel caps and started using 5htp and melatin. the first few nights i had the sensation of floating and spinning on my bed plus brain zapping non-stop, it lasted all night until 4~5 am when i finally fall asleep. i remember waking up 8~9am still dizzy and dazed from lack of sleep. i wanted more sleep but i want to get my regular sleep back.

after 2~3 weeks of upside down sleep schedule, my body finally reset the sleep schedule plus i was able to eat properly.
 

Badroll7

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 21, 2013
Messages
99
Location
FL
I'm new to this site and can say that it has definitely helped and kept me sane through this horrible experience. On Halloween I rolled mdma only .2 and nearly overheated. I went to a club and just freaked out. I was shaking and felt like I was gonna pass out. Luckily i drank water and my friends kept me calm. After a few min i was fine and went back in the club. I have only rolled 4 times in my life. I didn't test it and now I know that was foolish but out of the 8 or so people that took it in the group I was the only one who had such a negative reaction it. I only did .2 there were chicks snorting .6 and drinking alcohol and smoking that we went with. I took it in powder form and put it in water. Wtf, just my luck. A few days later came head pressure and extreme depression. I smoked weed and urged to the er after because of the brain waves I felt and depression. I was moody, fear of death, crying randomly. It was a week of non stop fear. I just began to appreciate my family much more and wanted to be with them or my gf. I live alone so this only made things harder.

It has now been three weeks In and I can say I feel better mood wise. No more mood swings or break down crying. I Still have head pressure and sometimes a pressure behind my right eye which does bother me. I made an appointment to see a neurologist next wk. I haven't been exercising. I just have been praying, thinking positive, and taking vitamins. I'm still scared at times and need peace of mind which I hope to obtain from the neurologist. I know everyone says time but I can't deal with these worries. I work in a hospital emergency room which makes shit worse because I'm seeing traumatizing things daily. Guys I need some recovery help. I am not going to antidepressants or anything. Just fish oil, magnesium, vitamin b12, and one a day multivitamin. I'm trying to beat this thing. I was not a frequent roller. I just need reassurance and support I guess and to hear of some success stories. I've heard people being 7 months in and shit. Freaks me out.
 

ShytK

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 6, 2013
Messages
71
to badroll:

You'll be alright don't worry. If you feel bad and not getting better go to a psychiatrist and get an SSRI such as Lexapro. Thta's what I'm on. I'm on 10mg of Lexapro daily and it is a huge difference and feel a whole lot better on it. It takes about a month to fully work though and first few days on it may be worse.

Otherwise if you are getting better naturally then you don't need Lexapro. I'm a hypochondriac so I needed meds to get better.
 

Dawglaw

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 28, 2012
Messages
954
Location
The moon
Like cope and finished, when my shit flared last year, there were no positive stories on BL, which absolutely scared the shit out of me. That's why I stuck around even after I recovered.

It seems that there are more and more comedown problems lately. I wonder if they are triggered by a new adulterant that has made its way into the scene? Could it be possible that we all took the same shit that has a possibility to set off some serious anxiety, DP, dr, head pressure etc in a small percentage of users?
 

Nambo

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2013
Messages
193
Location
SE England, UK
I too drank heavyly the night before, the night of and the day after my first and ever MDMA use. I'm now just over 3 months of my long term come down...... :(
 

Nambo

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2013
Messages
193
Location
SE England, UK
Just to add that my friends did the same amount of drinking and in fact took MDMA on the same 3 consecutive days but they are all fine. The only difference being that they they were 'regular' MDMA users and I was not. I think some people are just more susceptible to the adverse effects when abusing the substance. Needless to say I did not realise I was abusing it as my experience of MDMA was through my friends who had always mixed it with Alcohol.
 

Nambo

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2013
Messages
193
Location
SE England, UK
Nambo, how are you feeling these days? Any improvement? Did you get married?

Yes I did get Married but the build up was tough to say the least. We probably would have postponed it if it wasn't a destination wedding and too close to postpone. As for how I'm feeling I have gone the medication route and am on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds although I know some BL users suggest to go the natural route. I feel better on these bit will be tapering off them soonish. My main symptom is my poor night vision, sensitivity to bright light, and things seeming a bit off. I also feel I have lost that part of me which was fun and am struggling to connect emotionally to the world around me. I still have the buzzing in my head. Am I improving - not sure but if anything i am just getting used to this new reality. The true test will be when I come off the meds. My psychiatrist says I should give my recovery a year. How are you doing? Any improvement?
 

MagickalKat777

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 4, 2004
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7,030
Location
Denver, CO
If I can recover after what I did with MDMA, anyone can.

I started abusing MDxx in 2004. Around that time, all that was going around the Denver area were MDA and caffeine and MDA, caffeine, and methamphetamine pills. In general I rolled every single weekend and I would start rolling around 9 o'clock and eat pills until 4 or 5 in the morning. The most pills that I ever ate in a single night is unknown but on my 20th birthday, I had in my possession a total of 20 pills throughout the night and I gave away two that I know of. I'm fairly sure that I didn't drop any of them but the last count that anyone who was with me at the club that night specifically knew about was 14. These pills were high dose MDA/MDMA combo pills. We are just saying that each pill had 70mg of MDA/MDMA combo but more than likely they were closer to 100mg if not a bit higher. At best, I ate 980mg, at worst... a lot more, around 2 grams. I had my first panic attack that night after taking a single hit of white widow. That was the start of the downwards spiral.

My average pill usage was around 20-30 pills a month, sometimes more when we had MDE pills, less when I didn't have a party to go to (although in that case I usually ended up at a friend's house) and this continued from 2004 through 2007. I slowed down after that (by this time I had full-blown panic disorder and couldn't handle pills anymore - I was so fried that all I could really handle was alcohol so I did that, a lot of it, and I was also prescribed benzos for daily use because of the panic disorder I had developed) and pretty much stopped using it altogether with a few exceptions until 2010. By 2010, I seemed to be turning my life around. I finally had a great job again, I was out of the abusive relationship that I had been in, my anxiety levels were becoming more manageable, my alcohol consumption was lower, and even with all the legal trouble I got myself into in 2009, I was actually pretty happy with my life overall.

Then I came across a source for moon rock Molly. I would get it between 7 and 21 grams at a time. At first I started using it in 100mg bombs, just using two a night but soon that turned into 125mg, then 150mg, then I started going through grams in a night. At the worst, I went through around 7 grams in a 36 hour period with a buddy of mine. We were just eating it non-stop chasing the high. I crashed so hard that I don't even remember the crash. I was completely fried. I didn't think my brain would ever recover. In this time I had also stumbled on large amounts of methylone and the highest quality mephedrone available as well. Long story short, I ended up losing my job, losing my home, losing a lot of friends, I set my panic disorder off all over again, was drinking heavily both to stem off the comedown and to calm down the brain zaps, stopped responding completely to my benzos and had to switch over to Valium because the Klonopin that worked for so long just stopped, and the cycle started over.

Now its near the end of 2013 and I stopped smoking cigarettes and drinking cold turkey on 9/14 as well as starting a taper off my Valium. I haven't done any drugs other than alcohol since late 2011 or early 2012 (mescaline and 2C-T-7 were the only things that I did at the end) and I am now down to 8.75mg of Valium a day (at my worst, I was on 8mg of Xanax a day, then 6mg of Klonopin a day then 60mg of Valium a day), my insomnia is gone, my depression is gone, in fact I don't even seem to be bipolar anymore, I haven't had a panic attack in years (I am plagued by constant anxiety, however, but that could be a consequence of being on benzos for so long), and my brain is finally de-clouding.

I just need to focus on not screwing it up again LOL

People that know me around here can attest to just how far I've gone with drugs... But when I started rolling, I pretty much dropped everything else. I tripped here and there but nothing like I used to. I was tripping at least 5 times a week at one point way before I started rolling. More than any other drug class, the amphetamines absolutely decimated me. The point is that I'm recovering and you can too.
 
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Nambo

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2013
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193
Location
SE England, UK
Thank you for your story and words of encouragement regarding the ability to recover which I'm sure (pray) I will!
 

MagickalKat777

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 4, 2004
Messages
7,030
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Thank you for your story and words of encouragement regarding the ability to recover which I'm sure (pray) I will!

You have no idea how hard it was, while simultaneously very relieving, to post my story here and admit just how far I took it.

On that last part of my benders, I was on MDMA two days out of the week, and methylone and mephedrone the rest... It was really bad.

Over time though, your brain will compensate and recover. It varies per person as to the duration - and I remember that feeling of "this is never going to end, I'm so fucked up, I'm going to see shadow people for the rest of my life and have brain zaps and my brain is mush" but trust me, it goes away.
 

Badroll7

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 21, 2013
Messages
99
Location
FL
Damn congrats magickAt thank you for sharing that. We are all here to support each other and get through this recovery together.

I've been taking the natural route. Just vitamins and eating more fruit. I also just focus on positive things now. This happening actually may have made me realize what's important and what's not. I was partying every wknd and drinking all the time. I only rolled like 4 times but the last time idk wtf happened only did .2 but almost over heated and have had head pressure ever since. Every now and then I get anxious but when I do I take a deep breath and relax. We are young and have a whole great life ahead of us. Let's be real, we would have died if God didn't want us here. People die everyday from overdose I work in the emergency room trust me I know. The fact that we made it means we are going to win this battle. Stay up guys. I've even had to cut some friends out of my life because they take my recovery as a joke and try and shove alcohol and more mdma every chance they get. They even joke about it saying I fried my brain. All I have to say is that karma is a beast.
 

Nambo

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2013
Messages
193
Location
SE England, UK
Congrats on your marriage. It must have been tough with everything you are going through.

I have decided to go the natural route but it has been tough. I still get morning anxiety but not as bad as in the beginning. I also have some problems with night vision but this seems to be getting better too. I feel depressed only some of the time.

My memory isn't too bad. What is killing me though is my lack of concentration/attention. I just can't seem to be able to concentrate at all. That is most scary for me because it affects my work. I also have that annoying buzzing in my head.

I've been dealing with this for 5 months now. I just need this to improve at least to some degree so that I can be functional again. How has your concentration been ? Do you think the meds are hurting/helping it?

I have no anxiety now but I put this down to the meds. I also now sleep incredibly if not too well which I also believe is med related. My ability to work has however been massively hampered but this is primarily due to my eyesight problems as I am struggling to focus on my computer and BB. I also have this continuous sub-dialog in my mind saying I am damaged and am unable to perform properly. I am definately processing this more slowly than I used too. I really just need my eyesight to improve and my mild DR to go away. The real test will be when I come off the meds. I also need to somehow stop beating myself up that I made one stupid decision which I feel has ruined the person I used to be.
 

jethro1000

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 13, 2013
Messages
47
Goodday bluelighters
Its almost 4 months for me now and i can honestly say im about 99% recoverd.
1st 2 months were the worst.
-On the 1st week i had 3 major panic attacks wc eventually made me agoraphobic.
-2nd week i had major confusion, brain fog, ocd, racing thoughts, intrussive thoughts, like me thinking what if i commit suicide, what if i hurt people around me, and worst i super get irritated when i hear laughter wich is so scary.
-3rd week headache and symptoms still persist like im floating 247 depression because i thought i would not feel my old self again.
-On my 2nd month nightmares, depression and some of the symptoms
-3rd month i did force myself to join the company of my friends and live my life normally even though i was not feeling good. 3 weeks of vacation with my friends and i was surprised that i came to a point were i forget my anxiety.

-And present, i sometimes still feel anxiety but i dont care anymore. I feel like its fading more and more.
I can now go out, laugh, have fun etc.
But i still dont drink caffeine and alcohol i guess ill wait for a year to make sure that ill be 100% fine before drinking caffeine.
On those 4 months i occasionally drink alcohol but for some reason beers makes me feel bad the whole week after. But vodka is fine. Lol it was weird but anyway i stopped all those to give my brain chance to heal.
What most helped me was........

Acceptance! Acceptance! Acceptance!
I forced my self to do the things i normally do. Even though i felt bad i know that i wont go retarded, die etc. I strolled around the city alone. Rode airplanes. Travel. Etc

My doctor diagnosed me with agoraphobia and anxiety/panic disorder and gave me med.

But did not go ssri route. I battled this on my own. I remember what my friend said "if you want to be normal again just do the normal things you do" and he was right eventually i realized that the anxiety, symptoms has no power to control me. But believing this thoughts can actually make u paralized. So be strong. Its just a thought dont fight it let it flow, dont be scared it is just a thought.
"I WILL BE LIKE THIS FOREVER..., I SCREW UP MY BRAIN, IM GOING CRAZY, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY BRAIN, I WILL BE DEPRESSED FOR LIFE, I WILL NOT HEAL. ETC"

YOU SHOULD NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO FIGHT THIS THOUGHTS YOU WILL JUST LOSE THE BATTLE. INSTEAD CHANGE THE WAY YOU REACT TO IT. CHANGE THE WAY HOW YOU REACT TO YOUR SYMPTOMS. THIS FEELINGS/THOUGHT WONT BE AROUND WHEN YOU HEAL. I PROMISE YOU.

Its like living on hell i know, but the cure is you yourself. Stop finding cure, majic pill etc or even reading post here about comedowns.

For me top "a" Psychiatrist didnt help me. They want me to take medication and scared me.
I went to a public psych wich i dont have to pay anything and for the first time i got an honest advice. He told me that i was the only one who can heal myself. I guess he was right. There wer no money involve etc..

Anyway thanks bl..
Sorry for my english
 

jethro1000

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 13, 2013
Messages
47
And fyi i took a very dirty molly capsule. Howd i know? It was on pillreport and tested it and contains other adulterants and molly.
Thanks to dawglaw, futura, cope, bemonn recovery posts it did help me alot.

This symptoms are anxiety fueled. Anxieties are really bad thoughts and you can't control your thoughts however you can control how you react to them and from that you will see the start of your recovery.
When you start to recover there will be bad days and good days, dont let your bad days make you go back to loops of anxiety. Again this symptoms are anxiety fueld. Let this thought flow but change how you react to it. Youll notice that days will pass and the fear of it will fade. Thoughts without fear will just be a memory and memories can be forgoten. You will have anxiety forever if you fear it duh.. lol
 
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pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
548
does anyone thing they will be comfortable enough to trip again? either shrooms or LSD? or have tripped and was fine?
 

Folley

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2011
Messages
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Sitting on a crystal throne in a castle made of LS
^ Mushrooms actually directly turned my life around following MDMA abuse. Before that I had been depressed and suicidal for months... there were several times I held a loaded gun to my head and just wondered what would happen :\



I had a truly life changing trip that completely set me on the right track, however. I feel that was what really set me back on the road to "normalcy" however. I feel it does have the potential to go quite wrong.. but, for myself it was one of the most beneficial things I've ever done. Almost all signs of depression/anxiety are gone as long as I'm being responsible with my usage
 

dpd_mnk92

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 5, 2012
Messages
181
does anyone thing they will be comfortable enough to trip again? either shrooms or LSD? or have tripped and was fine?

Tripped hard on shrooms recently and redosed heavily near the end of the shroom trip as well. First half of the trip was beautiful, second was still nice but came with more side-effects. Pretty reckless in light of all the issues I have been through. All symptoms intensified directly afterwards and are still a little more prominent today - around 3 weeks after - especially cognitive issues, tinnitus and hppd. I would not recommend shrooms to anyone going through a bad long comedown, but low dose trips may be okay from what I hear. I just got a little greedy and the fiend in me took over that night. I don't know if you can generalise from my experience though since I firmly believe my long term comedown is one of the shittier ones out there due to the sheer range of symptoms I'm experiencing (all of them).
 

dpd_mnk92

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 5, 2012
Messages
181
oh, and this trip happened exactly 10 months after my long term comedown began. Looks like I have a bad habit of now knowing when to stop when there is an unlimited supply of something around me. Like some sort of self-destruct button, encoded into my genes, which surfaces as soon as I begin to take some sort of drug. If you are a sensible person, I think infrequent light trips shouldn't do to much harm, but if some sort of damage/ down regulation has occurred, tripping can only interfere with recovery - like picking at a scab. I would wait 2 years to be absolutely safe, probably longer, if you have had a very bad reaction to MDMA/ an MDMA mix and want to be as safe as possible.
 
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