Hey guys
Its been a while since the day that I came across this thread, the same way and for the same reason all of us did I would guess.
Not sure why but I just thought of coming here and sharing how things are going for me in this regard.
MDMA broke my mind, broke what it felt like to be every fiber of my being.
I dont have many memories of the first hours after taking a pill on the last day of being me, the first memory that was formed was this voice in me saying how the pleasure that I was experiencing was more that I could proces, after that I could only expience what I would describe as infinite pain while I became separated from this part of me that aparently was in some sort of hedonistic heaven, and though he remained in control of my body I could only gaze into the nightmare that my life had become.
More than 4 years have passed since my, I wanna call it personal but we all kinda share it, nightmare began.
Shit started to get manageable around the 2 year mark, first 2 years were just survival basically.
I feel like a new person, though in a sense after so many deaths and rebirths there is nothing new about that newness.
Not sure if its just my way of rationalizing it all and puting positivity around it so it becomes swallowable, but it feels like, unlike what I felt back then, nothing is quite broken, and that most of the suffering that I went through was already present, it just made its way through to the surfce.
Transformation, most of the suffering Ive seen seems to come from the inability to let go, the resistance to actually feel the pain is what carries it on forever, the fear that if you keep going forward you might find that you are trully and fundamentally fucked.
There are scars that remain, my mind is kind of a mess, I could probably get diagnosed with almost every single mental disorder out there, though as I learned to accept who I was that became less and less relevant, turns out Im still me, someone worth loving, someone who is perfect in its own terms.
Turns out there is so much more to who I am, there was and there is so much to explore, to understand and to become, looking back the whole thing feels like it was more like a waking call, if that makes any sense.
I have not become free from suffering, but then again, I never was, the journey goes on and life is just what it is, what it happens to become each new day.
When this all started I craved to be back to being who I was, paradoxically enough now I realize that I wanted to go back to being the one that did this to himself on the first place. There was so much anger and resentment towards myself down there that its hard to tell wether the MDMA crash was the inception of that anger or the other way around.
Im slowly finding the forgivenes toward myself that I need, somewhere along the way I accepted that I did what I did and that now I was where I was, and thats OK.
I firmly believe that there are no mistakes, that the choices we make and the consequences they have are an outgrowth of who we are, that the world each of use lives in is carefully crafted from the self for the self, still the beauty remains when things are seen with enough perspective.
Sorrow seems to me like a harsh, yet valuable friend.
I wish you all well on this incredibly painful journey you might find yourselves in, I would promise a sweet fruit at the end, but I would say that there is something even better, its just not a goal, as I understand it the journey goes on forever and so does the joy and peace that slowly comes with it.
There is more than enough light that will shine as you move further and further upon this dimly lit path.
Everything is well
You are OK
Take care you all
