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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

Hey guys ive finally realized that i just have a bad dp/dr, all of my symptoms come from dp dr too and also for the past 3 weeks or so ive started to have headaches and my jaw has alot of tension, it seems like im progressively getting worse but im trying to manage the anxiety and so far deep breaths help quite a bit and they also seem to eliminate my jaw tension, i dont understand or seem to notice any anxiety because i have anhedonia so i dont feel anything, but it seems like my body is in that state, its surreal the past 6 months have felt like ive been in a dream. Ive decided to quit smoking weed as it seems to be bad for dpdr, i only smoked weed during because it seemed like the only thing that helped with my symptoms but i have to try and get better without it to see if it makes a difference
 
ar223 said:
Hey guys ive finally realized that i just have a bad dp/dr, all of my symptoms come from dp dr too and also for the past 3 weeks or so ive started to have headaches and my jaw has alot of tension, it seems like im progressively getting worse but im trying to manage the anxiety and so far deep breaths help quite a bit and they also seem to eliminate my jaw tension, i dont understand or seem to notice any anxiety because i have anhedonia so i dont feel anything, but it seems like my body is in that state, its surreal the past 6 months have felt like ive been in a dream. Ive decided to quit smoking weed as it seems to be bad for dpdr, i only smoked weed during because it seemed like the only thing that helped with my symptoms but i have to try and get better without it to see if it makes a difference
Click to expand...
Weed not only is worsening the symptoms, it can cause itself dpdr, good news is that at least my dpdr was purely psychological, so once I've accepted it it went away
 
Hi guys,



My husband says I’m not allowed to post here anymore. Apparently it’s not good for me and I need a better lockdown hobby. So, some last words of advice:



I strongly strongly believe that this is a mental health thing. It also makes the most sense. I really like what Josh said about state specific memory. There were probably times in your adolescence when you broke up with someone and the world was shit and everything was shit and everything was always going to be shit. Then two hours later you would have a new significant other and the world would return to its former glory.



I know that there were days when I was suffering from MDMA where I was good (maybe even great) and then I would feel like shit one day and I would decide that I had been feeling like shit for months, but this was not historically accurate. Also, when you get tired your subconscious starts to wake up and take over and this would explain why you’re at your worst when you’re tired. I think possibly journaling could help to try and keep a record of your good moments.



Another thing that I forgot to mention. The only supplement that I took that I feel may have made a difference was Rhodiola. I took this because I was scared of SSRIS. I think this worked because it let me relax and enjoy life for long enough to not be scared of it. I’m a girl though and if you are a guy it might possibly make you too emotional. I don’t know, I’m not an expert, but I feel like it helped. Always approach supplements with caution.



I promise that yous will all be ok. I don’t know, but I don’t think anyone on this forum is a hardened drug user. Most of yous are just kids that made some dumb mistakes and this will pass. Not that drug addicts don’t matter, but they probably need different kinds of support and treatment.



If you look back to when this thread started to now, most of the people have changed. The people have ‘recovered’ and moved on. I think that the lack of recovery stories is because that people realise that people need to figure it out for themselves. Also, there are plenty of recovery stories. You’re pessimistic mind just doesn’t want to focus on them right now.



Here is an inspirational quote to help you feel better.



“This is life, and it is what it is. And shit is gonna happen. It’s gonna get complicated. We’re gonna relapse. We’re gonna need time-outs. We’re gonna be weak. And we’re gonna be strong. We’re gonna lose our shit and yell for people to get the fuck out of our lives. We’re gonna break down and beg some people to stay in our lives. Some days we’re gonna feel everything at once. Other days, we’re gonna feel nothing at all. We’re gonna be in some bad spaces, and we’re gonna be in some amazing ones. We’re gonna get on our knees crying and hurting and begging for help. We’re gonna get on our knees and pray just to say thanks. We’re gonna have moments when we know exactly what we want, and we’re sure. We’re gonna have moments when we legit have no fucking clue what we want, and we’re confused. This life shit and isn’t a movie, and I think sometimes, we forget that.”



I promise you will be ok. You’re going through a horrible horrible time and you’re not letting it break you. You should be proud of yourself.



Peace and Love x
 
ZeroLuck said:
Weed not only is worsening the symptoms, it can cause itself dpdr, good news is that at least my dpdr was purely psychological, so once I've accepted it it went away
Click to expand...
Yeah i realized weed makes my dpdr a little bit worse the next 2 days but when i use it, it makes the symptoms go away atleast. honestly since realizing its all dpdr and watched a few enlightening videos on it i feel like im better everyday, i just need to remove that subconciou anxiety that i get, wich is hard because i dont feel it physically like i normally would so i dont always know its there but it is. Im getting better at recognizing it and changing my mind towards the anxiety and its helping alot, changing my mindset from thinking ”when will this end, if ever” ”i cant wait another 2–6 months life just feels terrible under this condition” to ” its okay its all in my mind, anxiety is causing it and nothing else” has helped alot, and i mean alot just in a few days.

I didnt believe ever that anxiety could be the cause of LTC, simply because i never even had a panic attack, well ive never had one in my life so i guess my brain works different there, but maybe initially it was caused by chemical disturbances wich lead to anxiety wich lead to the symptoms,

i dont know, but all i know now is that most of symptoms are only here because of my mindset and changing it is the key, im confident ill get recovered before summer or during, wich was my dream anyway, and if i dont, its fine cus i know dp dr is a curable condition, just need to find your focus elsewhere and stop thinking about every single feeling in your body as a negative one especially during the ltc

i swear past few days when ive had even a headache or any sensation in my body, if i close my eyes and focus on the sensation and welcome it, accept it and think to myself that its okay and i dont worry about it, has instantly made the symptom go away, guys i cant recommend this enough, mindfulness is great but its better to be aware of your body and the sensations, put your focus on the sensation and try to enchant it with some positive feelings and acceptance, and only then, your body knows that there is no danger and no reason to output this sensation.

i hope the best to everybody whos having symptoms right now and i hope this post helps you recognize what you might have, also dont be discouraged if what i said doesnt work everytime, if you try and the sensation doesnt go away, atleast your subconcious know that you are accepting it and maybe, next week it wont come back anymore, not only this has helped me with symptoms, it has made me more positive about recovery.

Also for the men in here, you might think this is all bullcrap but i will still say this, as soon as your ejaculate, your body goes into a state where it primarily focuses on making more semen, and everything else becomes less important, its our vital energy that makes men men. Im not saying you should go 3 months without ejaculation but see if atleast every 3 days makes a difference for you, me im almost 2 months without ejaculation and my energy is through the roof, ive even gained some of my libido back, wich is essential

thank you for reading i hope someone gets something out of this comment
 
I suffered through the worst LTC of my life for 4 months I wanted to end it all I was sure my brain was damaged. But the thing is its all in your head. Ive been seeing a psyhciatrist for this past 4 weeks and started ssri treatment and for 7 days now ive been cured of my LTC (which is just anxiety disorder caused by drug use). Go see a psychiatrist and if you decide to start SSRIs they take time to work and you initially get much worse
 
ar223 said:
Yeah i realized weed makes my dpdr a little bit worse the next 2 days but when i use it, it makes the symptoms go away atleast. honestly since realizing its all dpdr and watched a few enlightening videos on it i feel like im better everyday, i just need to remove that subconciou anxiety that i get, wich is hard because i dont feel it physically like i normally would so i dont always know its there but it is. Im getting better at recognizing it and changing my mind towards the anxiety and its helping alot, changing my mindset from thinking ”when will this end, if ever” ”i cant wait another 2–6 months life just feels terrible under this condition” to ” its okay its all in my mind, anxiety is causing it and nothing else” has helped alot, and i mean alot just in a few days.

I didnt believe ever that anxiety could be the cause of LTC, simply because i never even had a panic attack, well ive never had one in my life so i guess my brain works different there, but maybe initially it was caused by chemical disturbances wich lead to anxiety wich lead to the symptoms,

i dont know, but all i know now is that most of symptoms are only here because of my mindset and changing it is the key, im confident ill get recovered before summer or during, wich was my dream anyway, and if i dont, its fine cus i know dp dr is a curable condition, just need to find your focus elsewhere and stop thinking about every single feeling in your body as a negative one especially during the ltc

i swear past few days when ive had even a headache or any sensation in my body, if i close my eyes and focus on the sensation and welcome it, accept it and think to myself that its okay and i dont worry about it, has instantly made the symptom go away, guys i cant recommend this enough, mindfulness is great but its better to be aware of your body and the sensations, put your focus on the sensation and try to enchant it with some positive feelings and acceptance, and only then, your body knows that there is no danger and no reason to output this sensation.

i hope the best to everybody whos having symptoms right now and i hope this post helps you recognize what you might have, also dont be discouraged if what i said doesnt work everytime, if you try and the sensation doesnt go away, atleast your subconcious know that you are accepting it and maybe, next week it wont come back anymore, not only this has helped me with symptoms, it has made me more positive about recovery.

Also for the men in here, you might think this is all bullcrap but i will still say this, as soon as your ejaculate, your body goes into a state where it primarily focuses on making more semen, and everything else becomes less important, its our vital energy that makes men men. Im not saying you should go 3 months without ejaculation but see if atleast every 3 days makes a difference for you, me im almost 2 months without ejaculation and my energy is through the roof, ive even gained some of my libido back, wich is essential

thank you for reading i hope someone gets something out of this comment
Click to expand...

This what literally eliminated my DPDR embracing it completely. MDMA somehow wrekt our stress defenses, but yeah I'm glad you're concentrating on the positive, I'm sure you'll get better and better.
 
I clearly have a major problem with using the site. I just want to make sure I can give yous as much help as possible along with all the other great posts from people. I’ve always had a good memory and I can remember quite clearly how terrifying it was going through what some of you guys are going through. I can even remember clearly what it was like being on MDMA (and I think this actually contributed to a lot of my problems afterwards regarding my senses).

One thing that helped me was to think in terms of what the experience might have prevented. Everything happens for a reason. Right? Most of us are not going to die of an overdose or even touch hard drugs ever again. Maybe if what happened hadn’t of happened, I would have been too cocky in the future and took too much of something and there would have been a worse outcome. Maybe hearing my story saved one of my friend’s lives who was thinking about trying ecstasy or something else? Maybe I would have went to an illegal rave and gave my gran covid? (This is unlikely- I’m old now, but you never know) Maybe I would have thought drugs are totally safe and would have been the reason for someone else dying? Maybe I would have been arrested for possession? Maybe I would never have stuck in at uni or met my husband or had my kids? We’ve all been good to our livers and kidneys for a few months at least.

For me recovery was slow. It wasn’t like one day I was bad and then the next day I was good. It started with acceptance. For me, I first started to notice progress when I realised I started to care more about other people again. Like I slowly stopped feeling sorry for myself and started thinking about other people and their problems and how I could help them. Another early sign was that I lost the sense that something bad was waiting for me. I started to dream again and have aspirations for the future. It’s like a grieving process. You won’t be the person you were before this experience, but you won’t lose yourself either, you’ll be a better version of you. For me, it was a giant wake up call.

My biggest fear was that I wasn’t going to be me anymore and that I would forget who I was. I felt so much like I had become someone else. I was terrified of change and letting go of this illusion of the person I was and who I needed to get back to. You will never be able to psych yourself into forgetting who you are. My opinion- ego death is not real- only primal fear is real. People blame ego death on them doing horrible things because they drugged themselves into a state of severe paranoia.

Let yourself be changed. Keep what you want and need and get rid of what you don’t. This is growing up. I was an idiot as a teenager. Now I’m much happier, much smarter, much more grateful. I don’t live in fear. I enjoy myself. I’m happy.
 
Tea&toast.x said:
I clearly have a major problem with using the site.
Click to expand...
Yes you do! :D:ROFLMAO: Trying to reassure us on something that happened to you a long azz tyme ago! o_O

lol. ;)

Finally starting to feel like my normal self more and more. It's been 10-11 weeks.

One unfortunate thing is I have to take seroqel to sleep. I could probably take a benadryl but the seroqel just seems to works so well and I get a full 8 hours. The insomnia is the last symptom I have, even the tinnitus is mostly gone now.

For exercise, since it's been warming up, I've been taking 3-6 mile walks and they've really helped.

When this first happened I didn't sleep for 2 days, I nearly lost my sanity when I took sleep-aid after sleep-aid and couldn't fall asleep. Then I slept for 8 hours.

Same thing happened to my appetite, I didn't eat at all, and forced my self to drink oj or milk and then didn't eat. Lost 20 pounds. Then my appetite would snap back.

I'm bringing this up as it rubber banded and then cycled. The anxiety and all that was out of control.


I've consumed lithium tablets (I'm not really sure you need these but I know lithium helps heal brain cells).

"Chronic lithium treatment increases the expression of brain-derived neurotrophic factor in the rat brain"
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Chronic lithium treatment increases the expression of brain-derived neurotrophic factor in the rat brain - PubMed

Our results suggest that the chronic administration of mood stabilizers may produce a neurotrophic effect mediated by the upregulation of BDNF in the rat brain.
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Back when I was 20 I spent 3 weeks in a psyche ward for depression, was put on lithium and healed me right up.

Don't get all excited because I posted lithium. You do need to be careful on it, and technically you should have your blood checked when on it. But I just take it temporarily.

I think probably the most potent thing (from my experience here too) is just exercise to increase brain growth factors and allow healing to take place.

Exercise what you can and just time. The time will vary between everyone here but time will heal most reading this.

God Damn I'm glad I'm on the end of all this. I've read some of the posts on here and I kinda know how hellish their plight is. I mean F#$($U# hell man! Just do what you can to prevent yourself from causing harm to yourself and allow your body to heal.
 
It's been 3 months and a half now, and I am feeling 95% now.

I have my sleeping pattern back (THANK GOD!!). The last 5% is that I still clench my jaw during sleep which is causing mild headache and earache (a lot). I got myself a night guard now.
All the LTC symptoms (dizziness, vertigo, head pressure/tension ,headache, insomnia, upset stomach, no sex drive, hyperacusis, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, cold/sweaty, eyes twitching, anxiety, suicidal thought and depression) are gone ! The jaw clenching started during the peak of my anxiety, I think it will take at least a month or maybe more to fully recover but I'm in no hurry, I am very patient and mentally prepared. I have come this far from a really dark place, I have seen hell and I'm so f***ing proud of it.

This LTC, that used to haunted and followed me every minute of the day for 3 months, is starting to feel like a distant memory.

For those who are battling please tell yourself that it is not brain damage, you will heal from this !
Stay healthy and keep yourself busy, some may take longer than others, some may feel worse than others, it sucks I know.
Just don't compare yourself to the next person, this is not a fair ride, you are healing at your own pace!

Stay positive guys ! We will beat this together.
 
If you are struggling - remember - you will recover. It has been nine (!) years since my LTC and I have 100% recovered and lived a wonderful life in the meantime. I never come onto this website anymore so I apologize for all the DMs that I have missed. Keep your heads up, work on managing the anxiety, get your body moving, and life your life. As someone who has been through the deepest depths of LTC hell, I promise you, it will get better.
 
Y’all are sexist. I bet if I was a dude writing the things I write yous would all be like ‘yes brother’. 😂 I guess even at the 11th hour boys will be boys. 🙃

I’m definitely going after this one. Swear this time. It’s brought back a lot of memories for me, but it feels good reflecting on how far I’ve came. It just popped into my head during lockdown and then hearing about the guy who killed himself really got to me. I didn’t know him personally and I don’t know what other stuff he had going on, but I just think what a waste and that he could have got better if he hadn’t listened to bullshit for years.

There is, allegedly, a known phenomenon after taking MDMA where some people cannot regulate their body temperature correctly for approximately 6 months to 9 months. I don’t know if I believe in this and there is not really any science behind it. It’s not thought to be dangerous, but it could explain why people freak out for a bit and then settle down. Please don’t start freaking out about your body temperature. There might also be something to do with a liver enzyme that some people might be missing? I don’t know, my brain was never interested in the science. Yous are not brain damaged. Some of yous have dedicated so much time to this, you could be a neuro scientist.

I was so scared after my MDMA experience that I slept next to my mum for a year. I would walk around my house saying that I wasn’t inside my body. I would come home from school and I honestly thought that I was about to die. I would ask my mum to hold my hand and tell me stories from my childhood whilst I was slipping away. I genuinely believed I was about to die. I look back and I think 1. LOL-cringe you little lunatic 2. I was so fucking brave.

I had all the symptoms without the benefit of being able to rationalise them with an adult mind. Now I have my own house, my own family, a degree and a great job. After a while the whole experience just becomes another memory. For me, it’s not even a bad memory. It gave me a zest for life. I went all over the world.

Don’t allow yourself to believe that this is anything other than anxiety. I begged my mum to let me get every scan and test even after my routine ones ended and they were all fine. When you hear that little: What if? voice. Just tell it to sit back down. It gets better. It gets so much better. Nobody can tell you how long it’s going take. Everybody is different. Nobody knows if you might need medication or not. Everybody is different. I done it without, but I don’t know if this was the right decision.

When I was growing up everybody watched Skins and it glorified things like MDMA and you get the Miley Cyrus song ‘Molly’ and probs other things now. Then at the other end of the spectrum you get horror movies about drugs that are not really realistic. There is never actually anything in the media that shows the reality of drugs. My mental health was the one thing that I didn’t consider before taking MDMA.

I hope some people got something from my posts. P.s. if you’re worried you’re going to end up crazy like me, don’t be, this is my baseline 💯

Love Tea ❤️
 
Like last 1-2 years I'm symptoms free, however kept complaining about my working memory being the only thing affected, however starting to believe I'm having unrealistic expectations because I also have ADHD, and it's normal to be imperfect. :) So maybe I should close the page completely... I'll still visit the forum tho, because true recovery means I don't care about the past as well. Cheers.
 
Hey guys. So ive skimmed through almost every page of this thread. Its been interesting seeing everyones progression. Here is my story. I need some help. Im in a dark place.

So this all started after taking M mid Feb of last year (13 months ago). Nothing crazy maybe .25-.3 the first night and a tiny little bomb the next night. Not even half a point. I had a great time, no panic attacks and had a solid couple days of after glow. However a few days after i laid down to take a nap like i usually do (was a pro sleeper) and i noticed my shoulder jerk as i was just drifting off. No problem this has happened before. But it kept happening. A shoulder, my head, my leg etc and this has not stopped since. These body jerks have completely ruined sleep for me. They happen every single night without fail. I became extremely anxious about this and have since gone on to develop muscle twitches (BFS whatever. Im not too concerned about) and strangely a VERY sensitive startle reflex. If something moves to quickly or I see somebody trip or drop something on TV my body will jolt a little bit. I also get the occasional body jerk throughout the day.
I have only seen these hypnic jerks mentioned on here a few times. I cant live with this forever however it doesnt seem to be getting better at all. I have started taking zoloft which is making me feel like garbage and I think making the symptoms worse. I have a history of anxiety before all this. I actually had a year long stint with DPDR in 2013 which I overcame.

I was taking wellbutrin at the time I took the M. I did research before to see if I would die and it seemed that most everyone thought it was "safe" seeing as they work on different systems (dopamine instead of Serotonin) and so many people take the stuff while on it. Every doc I have seen seems to think it shouldnt have been a problem. They are all kinda shocked I reacted like this and several have said it is mood based. Ive had EEG, MRI, blood, sleep study, see a naturopath. All tests were normal. M was from a trusted source and like 20 of my friends have all done the same stuff.

Ive done M maybe 5 times in my entire life. All others have been fine. I cant believe this is happening to be honest.
 
Hypnic Jerker said:
Hey guys. So ive skimmed through almost every page of this thread. Its been interesting seeing everyones progression. Here is my story. I need some help. Im in a dark place.

So this all started after taking M mid Feb of last year (13 months ago). Nothing crazy maybe .25-.3 the first night and a tiny little bomb the next night. Not even half a point. I had a great time, no panic attacks and had a solid couple days of after glow. However a few days after i laid down to take a nap like i usually do (was a pro sleeper) and i noticed my shoulder jerk as i was just drifting off. No problem this has happened before. But it kept happening. A shoulder, my head, my leg etc and this has not stopped since. These body jerks have completely ruined sleep for me. They happen every single night without fail. I became extremely anxious about this and have since gone on to develop muscle twitches (BFS whatever. Im not too concerned about) and strangely a VERY sensitive startle reflex. If something moves to quickly or I see somebody trip or drop something on TV my body will jolt a little bit. I also get the occasional body jerk throughout the day.
I have only seen these hypnic jerks mentioned on here a few times. I cant live with this forever however it doesnt seem to be getting better at all. I have started taking zoloft which is making me feel like garbage and I think making the symptoms worse. I have a history of anxiety before all this. I actually had a year long stint with DPDR in 2013 which I overcame.

I was taking wellbutrin at the time I took the M. I did research before to see if I would die and it seemed that most everyone thought it was "safe" seeing as they work on different systems (dopamine instead of Serotonin) and so many people take the stuff while on it. Every doc I have seen seems to think it shouldnt have been a problem. They are all kinda shocked I reacted like this and several have said it is mood based. Ive had EEG, MRI, blood, sleep study, see a naturopath. All tests were normal. M was from a trusted source and like 20 of my friends have all done the same stuff.

Ive done M maybe 5 times in my entire life. All others have been fine. I cant believe this is happening to be honest.
Click to expand...
hey man,
something similar happened to me in 2017 after taking about the same amount as you, haven't taken mdma since. the muscle twitching, sleep jerks, myoclonus or whatever, was one of the more persisting and bothersome symptoms, I also remember struggling with the exaggerated startle response you mentioned. together with a myriad og other symptoms tbh, some visual disturbances, mild tinnitus and manageable memory impairments is what i'm left with today, but my use was a little more extensive than yours.

anyways, the twitching slowly became less apparent over the years, they can still flare up on rare occasions when I'm very stressed or tired, but they're hardly noticeable anymore. the last time i remember them being rly bad was like 2 years ago. a friend gave me a few benzo (klonopin i think) one time and it made the twitching go away for like a month, so i know benzo is an effective treatment, but would caution against it for obvious reasons :L i also found magnesium helpful in managing them. Caffeine makes them worse, but you probably know this. I'm pretty certain they are related to anxiety and stressrespons somehow, i remember just thinking or worrying about them made worse. but if they aren't becoming worse and or impede your daily activities or functioning in any ways i wouldn't worry too much about them. mine almost went completely away 2-3 years after my last dose of mdma.
 
Thanks for answering. So you still have the sleep jerks? or they diminished after a while? What are you left with today?
 
One of my orders, which contains seroquel, arrived today.

This is a standard <<snip>>


What was in this package
KzAtzrH.jpg


The seroquel, 100mg and 25mg tablets.
eFHQhEB.jpg




There's limits on what you can get, there is still a lot of medications available though.

Hopefully I don't have to take the seroquel much longer, insomnia seems to be the only real lingering symptom without the medication. As for dose I take 50-100mg and it works very well.
<<snip>>
 
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