It’s nearly 4 years now. I’ve made really good progress when I didn’t work. Work and exercise seems to cause my problems.
Hi Berendje and rest of BL community,
I have some input on your comment that I think aligns with something I woke up wanting to say and hopefully can be helpful to some of the other folks out there.
So yesterday, after 2 of my best weeks, I woke up with some of the worst anxiety I've had to date. It had been building over the course of a couple of days actually and I was experiencing so much adrenal fatigue, I thought about calling in to work and staying in bed all day. You all know the feeling. Exhausted beyond exhausted. Also, just felt really depressed because after doing great for so long, a setback was a real kick in the gut. I lied in bed for about a half hour before I said "nope, I'm not playing this game with you." I FORCED myself out of bed. I didn't know that energy even existed but I did it. As I got into the shower, the "LTC" sank it's claws in even deeper. The thought of my busy day and all the things I had to do while feeling like absolute death was overwhelming. Something different happened this time though. Where before I would bow down, I felt a certain aggression build inside of me. Out of nowhere, I warrior screamed, "NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKER!". Keep in mind, I'm usually a very reserved guy. Thing is, I wasn't going to have it. I looked "LTC" right back in it's evil little eyes and told it it can take me down tomorrow, but no matter what it was not going to win today.
And guess what I realized? The "LTC" is completely powerless. It's pathetic. Even at it's absolute most goddamn worst, it couldn't even stop some ordinary guy from living life exactly how he wanted to. I worked the entire day along side it. It tried time and time again to fuck my world up and it simply couldn't. Did the day suck? You bet it did, but I never stopped, in fact I tried harder just to spite of it. After work, I did dog training lessons, went grocery shopping, and went to the gym. I worked out harder than I probably ever had. I was actually on the verge of tears at the end because I was so physically and emotionally drained. When I was driving back all these emotions bubbled up. The "LTC" was going to come in for the kill. Again, I don't know where it came from as I've never done it before, but I could do nothing but scream, "NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKER." Maybe tomorrow I'll quit. Maybe tomorrow you'll get the best of me, but NO MATTER WHAT, you are not going to win today. I let out several more cathartic screams. Months of built up emotions poured out of me (honestly I probably looked insane to the people in traffic next to me lol). But once again the sad, pathetic, weak "LTC" could do absolutely nothing.
You know why it's pathetic? Because it only derives it's power by preying on compromised minds. Understandably, we are vulnerable right now, and that's why most of the time it wins. It won over me when I stopped going on dates. It won over me when I didn't go on that camping trip. It won over me when I said no to the once in a lifetime job promotion I had been working at for years (in the city I wanted to live in) came up. That's why it wins over people for years and they continue to be sick. But what we have to understand is that even at our absolute lowest point, we are still infinitely more powerful than it. You have the energy within. Your weakness and fatigue is just a trick of your mind and the terror you have of this condition.
So yeah, yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. Who cares? I know I'm going to have a lot more on my road to recovery. But now today, even though I still feel sorta crappy, feels like a breeze. I feel like if I could live my life exactly how I wanted to yesterday, what's stopping me every single day? Yeah, I'm still going to treat my body and mind kindly and give them all the rest they need for my nervous system to heal, but now it's personal when it comes to the "LTC". I've given it everything and now I'm going to start slowly taking those things back.
I read the same mantra to myself every day, and the last words are "I WILL RECOVER". I am going to conquer it or if it's not beatable, we are going to answer the age old question of what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object.
So who else here is with me? I want to hear more "NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKER" stories. I know I'm new here and maybe it's not my place, but I'm already sick of reading about how scary "LTC" is, and how debilitating it can be. We all know that. This place is the only one I know of on the internet where we can talk to one another. Nobody else can understand what this is like and we need eachother. So instead of freaking our anxious minds out more, why not share our victories (no matter how small). Change the attitude a little bit. If some regular ol guy on the west coast of the US can take down "LTC" even for just a day, can you imagine how powerful we'd be collectively? If instead of scaring eachother we empowered eachother?
Anyway, just a thought. Sorry for the long rant.
Have a great day everyone.
-Josh