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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

yeah, at the gym at the moment. But it’s so hard to think that I’ll have to go though all this again.
What if this time I don’t get better? Fuck I’m so stupid.

You can't give in to the constant "what if".

focus on healing and take baby steps. It doesn't do any good to worry about the negatives, that is just going to make everything harder and not help you. Instead focus on what you can do to get better, and do it as much as possible.

honestly it was a stupid move, but I've had friends who fall back into a LTC and it doesnt last as long the second time. Especially if they get serious about it early on and tackle the anxiety quickly before it consumes their whole life.
 
First time poster. Very fucking scared. I really, really, really need some advice/help. I had been using MDMA 1 time a weekend for the last 2 years. There were breaks in between, but we'll say out of 104 weeks in the last 2 years, I rolled 60 of them. Never anything more than .2 or .3. A few nights I redosed, and a 3 or 4 times total, I rolled back to back. Also on some of the occasions I would drink.

I realized in October I had a serious problem. I blacked out and made the absolute hugest mistake of my life and slept with another woman. I wasnt in control, and would never do that in a sober state. I was so deep into using I ignored the signs. My dad just passed away in July and I didnt want to face the pain.

I slowly started to cut back. January 10th was the last time i did any. I've been dealing with LTC since before then and didnt quite understand it. Since the 10th, things do nothing but get worse it feels like. Panic attacks. Depression which brings on crippling anxiety and the complete inability to focus on my normal life.

I've started taking Lions Mane Mush Extract, NAC, and a slew of other supplements that I've read helped others, but nothing seems to be working. A good friend of mine who went thru a similar experience told me that I for sure did damage but I would better within the next few months as long as I dont touch the shit ever. He said he did MDMA for every day solid for quite a few months, and his ltc recovery was 3 months.

It's been 3 weeks (as noted) since the last time I've taken any MDMA and it doesnt feel like this is getting any better. I obsess over my mistake from cheating and throws me into panic attacks so hard that I feel like I will pass out. This morning I woke up and litterally couldnt breath for an hour straight.

I started taking Kratom to help, but when I'm not on it I feel like it may be giving me some type of withdraw symptoms which only makes everything worse.

I've been trying so fucking hard. I dont want to feel like this ever again. I just want it to be over, and after nearly 1 month I'm not seeing any light at the end of my tunnel. I read and read and read, and I see stories of people saying they got 6 month ltc from just one use.... I'm scared I'll never get out of this.

I have a friend that wants me to see a psychiatrist but I'm nervous to do that. I dont want to get put on pills because I fear my body will become dependent on the meds. I'm in such a bad place right now.

I have 2 kids and my amazing wife who I just want to be normal for again. Will I ever be normal again? I'm so scared and in search for whatever answers I can find. What should I do? Should I see the psychiatrist? Should I continue doing the supplements and focus on pushing forward?

It's so hard. I know I need patience but I really need some type of gratification. Some visible light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to feel like me again. Im tired of sitting and crying as asking God "Why me? Why did I do this? When will I get better?". 3 months. 6 months. They all feel so fucking far away and I dont know if I have the strength. Like.... I'm so mentally exhausted from beating myself up daily. Then after that not being able to go to bed even though I'm fucking exhausted.

Someone... anyone.... please. Help me.

UPDATE: I confessed to my wife about everything. It appears on the surface that she has forgiven me. She has been very understanding through all of this some how, and has vowed that this will make us stronger and promises to stay by my side. As relieving as this is, I am still feeling this constant sadness. She has been the most supportive person I could ever ask for. She has been my coach and my councilor. She's done it all with a smile and a hug. I know that she is the support group that alot of people have lacked in the LTC community and cant put into words how truly grateful I am that she has chosen to stand by me.

So with all that being said, I am hoping the healing can truly begin. I dont know if its anxiety or depression that's keeping me in this state of mind but I am attempting even further than before to pull myself out. I have a meeting with a Therapist on February 14th to do a Blood and DNA test on me to see if they can pinpoint any chemical deficiencies. I'm also going to the YMCA tomorrow to get a Gym membership.

Thanks for all the advice @lionheart90 - I will attempt to put it all into motion. As said though I dont know if its anxiety, depression, or both, but I'm gonna try to physically wreck my body to exhaust this shit out of it. I want this cloud of negativity to lift from me. If my wife can forgive me and move on, I need to as well. It's just hard for me to forgive myself after all the pain I've caused not only her, but myself.

I thought that alot of my LTC was due to guilt, but after coming clean I'm not really feeling any better. I've stopped having panic attacks but I'm still constantly talking to myself (inner monologue), trying to figure out what I need to do to make things right. I'm still feeling the sense of doom. It's still crippling.

Hopefully by the end of the month, things will have gotten better. I've booked me and my family plane tickets to see my wife's mom and Dad in Florida in April, so I'm hoping that by then I'll be feeling halfway better. I dont want to go there feeling like this.

Until then I'm taking Lions Mane Mush Cap Extract, NAC, Ashwagandha w/ L-Theanine, Green Tea Extract, Rhodiola Extract, Acetyl L-Carbitine, and Alpha Lipoic Acid. I also smoke weed daily. I have been taking them daily for 3 weeks straight. As said... not really noticing much of a difference but I am hoping to see some improvement.

If anyone has any additional advice, please feel free to throw it my way. I'm really hoping to get back to my old self sooner than later. I've never been a person who was "depressed". All this constant negative emotion is completely new to me. I've never been so damn upset 24/7 to where I couldn't pay attention to my wife telling me a wonderful story, or my kids sharing their day with me and it's really scary. Like... it so loud in my head, but no noise is being made.

Idk. Sorry. I'm just ranting at this point. Thanks to whoever reads and throws me some help. Seriously. I appreciate you.
 
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Hey guys ,I took MDMA for the first time in my life for 3 consecutive days on the 24th,25th,26th of December, on the first day I had half a pill ,on the second day I had 2 pills and on the 3rd day I had two pills.

I felt some effects on the first day,the second I fell effects but it was a bad high I wasn't happy at all and on the third day I wasn't high at all ,I had absolutely no effects at all even after the second pill I took.

The 3 day MDMA taking stopped ,on the 27th of December was the first day into withdrawal but I felt no withdrawal effects at all ,everything was normal until I tried to sleep that day ,I got brain zaps couldn't sleep ,I probably slept for 3 or 4 hours ,and it was at one go it was in between sleep and being awake.

The following couple of days was a nightmare ,also no sleep ,no appetite I didn't want to go out ,my heart beat raced ,anxiety peaked and I was anti social, but as the days furthered sleep became better .

A month and 2 weeks into it now .My concentration is all over the place ,I get these moments of staring into space blankly ,my neck twitches/jerks when I'm focused on a task,I have sever head pressure it feels like a headache but its not painful at all ,the roof of my mouth and gums become numb and feel weird,they feel like their swollen but are not.

i don't know if I'm experiencing different effects from everyone else because I'm epileptic but the last time I had a seizure was 5 years ago ,I don't know if the head jerks and lapses in attention and swollen gum like sensation is caused by ,unusual brain activity triggered by that first time MDMA use.

Sometimes I wake up positive but these days I'm contemplating why am I even alive ,I feel like going through a day is torture ,going to bed has become a celebration now.

please guys help a stranger.

N/B :English is not my mother tongue sorry for the inconvenience.
 
I just see so many awesome and super strong people here, you're all incredibly smart and compassionate. Feeling like what everyone need is just to practice their faith. Been on a trip with my best buddy and feeling fantastic, can't stop laughing and my biggest concern... The memory isn't as an issue or at least I don't pay attention to it.

Overcomplicating is just a thing we liked to indulge into this masochistic game. Yes it's scary and no has the right answers.

It's fine to try to live as healthy as possible, both mentally and physically, but having faith could be the most important in the end.
 
could we be going through this? It says that it can take several months to heal, but that it does heal afterall.
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Yeah i think eventually it does heal ,but you have to help your brain out by excercising, try being social and going out and being busy ..your brain will become better..
 
could we be going through this? It says that it can take several months to heal, but that it does heal afterall.

Yeah i think eventually it does heal ,but you have to help your brain out by excercising, try being social and going out and being busy ..your brain will become better..
[/QUOTE]

How long have you had LTC? What are your symptoms?
 
Anybody feels better on the evening night? And worst in the mornings?
Every night I feel 90% and wake up back to 40 %.
Very frustrating.
 
Yeah i think eventually it does heal ,but you have to help your brain out by excercising, try being social and going out and being busy ..your brain will become better..

How long have you had LTC? What are your symptoms?
[/QUOTE]

I did it for the first time on the 24th ,25th and 26th of December it was 3 consecutive days ,last year December and my symptoms are quite complicated because for me I'm epileptic although I haven't had a seizure in 5 years ,so back to the point when I try to concentrate my concentration is trash I get these head jerks now my mouth and gums feel swollen but aren't ,mood swings are frequent ,and I feel like I'm not excited anymore about anything..but some days are better some days are crap
 
How long have you had LTC? What are your symptoms?

I did it for the first time on the 24th ,25th and 26th of December it was 3 consecutive days ,last year December and my symptoms are quite complicated because for me I'm epileptic although I haven't had a seizure in 5 years ,so back to the point when I try to concentrate my concentration is trash I get these head jerks now my mouth and gums feel swollen but aren't ,mood swings are frequent ,and I feel like I'm not excited anymore about anything..but some days are better some days are crap
[/QUOTE]

If you did it in December is pretty soon still. I had the same symptoms after I over did in october. Specially mood swings and that. I felt fine after two months.
 
I did it for the first time on the 24th ,25th and 26th of December it was 3 consecutive days ,last year December and my symptoms are quite complicated because for me I'm epileptic although I haven't had a seizure in 5 years ,so back to the point when I try to concentrate my concentration is trash I get these head jerks now my mouth and gums feel swollen but aren't ,mood swings are frequent ,and I feel like I'm not excited anymore about anything..but some days are better some days are crap

If you did it in December is pretty soon still. I had the same symptoms after I over did in october. Specially mood swings and that. I felt fine after two months.
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Yeah I'm backing on that too , its gonna take time but I'm gonna be better eventually ,you know I also learned that half the battle is just trying not to get those down thoughts their the dangerous ones ,cause if you start thinking about those you think about everything and start being anxious.If anything this whole thing taught me that you have to be mentally strong to get through it..
 
Has any one ever thought that we could be going through something like this? At least at the beginning. Some of the symptoms seem to match.


Most of us here are not on anti-depressants lol. Nor were we on antidepressants before this happened, nor did we recently quick them.

"And I think mdma affects serotonin the same way antidepressants do." it doesn't dude, it's way different.

Instead of trying to guess your way through this, how about you just take the advice of the people who are years into it and the advice they learned from people who had recovered before them?

Most of us played the guessing game for months before we just admitted it was a severe anxiety disorder. Might want to consider that before you fall down that rabbit hole too far as well.
 
Most of us here are not on anti-depressants lol. Nor were we on antidepressants before this happened, nor did we recently quick them.

"And I think mdma affects serotonin the same way antidepressants do." it doesn't dude, it's way different.

Instead of trying to guess your way through this, how about you just take the advice of the people who are years into it and the advice they learned from people who had recovered before them?

Most of us played the guessing game for months before we just admitted it was a severe anxiety disorder. Might want to consider that before you fall down that rabbit hole too far as well.

Thank you man! I know, but it says that this syndrom also causes anxiety. And all the brain zaps and that... idk . I guess it’s better to forget about it your right.

Im already feeling better I think. Its hard to know though, because tbh I don’t really know what I’m feeling. When I forget about it im fine. Maybe now I’m just paranoid.
 
One other thing that helped with the anhedonia for me, it was that I had to start facing every fear I had.

Intensity and extreme emotions seemed to also open up pleasure for me again. It backfired plenty of times and I faced increased anxiety because of it, but I also began to feel intense joy and euphoria the more I faced huge fears and overcame them.

I remember at one time making a list of all my fear, and I began to conquer them all one by one. As I began to do that I began to feel more joy and love, alongside more intense anxiety and fear. The anxiety and fear would go away of course, but the love and joy and other emotions didn't go away.

Also just general emotional work also helped. I did a lot of surrendering practices, a lot of emotional unblocking techniques. pounding a pillow, screaming in the middle of a forest where nobody could hear me. The more I felt anything at all, the more I felt joy and love.

I'm still working on that, there are many things that I still fear and many of my emotions are still blocked because of all the shit I went through recently and also in my life in general. As I make progress though, I felt love more and more, and more and more intensely too. I wish I was high all the time like when I was younger and the positive emotions flowed so easily, but maybe that is just life. When I was younger I used to think so highly of the future, thinking I was destined for great things and would be rich, look great, and have a hot wife.

Then the LTC hit me and I basically lost my intelligence, ability to learn, earn, and to hope too. I lost everything pretty much. So I assume a HUGE amount of my positive emotions was based on having a bright outlook for the future, and the LTC took that away. As I work and work and work though, I'm starting to realize that my future can be bright again, but not because of hope or anything like that, but just because I am willing to work for it.

also, hope just feels euphoric as heck. When you know you can have good things by working for them, it just... idk, it just doesnt feel as good. it's like knowing you can have a 6 pack by waking up at 5 am everyday for 2 years and working out. Its a grimey feeling, but you know you can do it. Now contrast that feeling with the hope that someday you'll just decide to stop eating junk food and work out everyday. Knowing you can accomplish something through hard work, and hoping for a dream are two very different feelings.

When I was younger, I had the euphoria of hope around me all the damn time. And with the LTC, I lost that hope but gained the knowledge that I can work hard and achieve the things I always hoped for. The feeling just doesnt compare, even when I accomplish the things I always hoped for.

I guess that is just part of youth, hoping for the best and we just ride that high.

--

last thing too. The more I became self-less, the more my love and positive emotions increased.

When I re-connected with my spirituality and began to serve others, my happiness began to slowly come back. At the same time, I had to give up the desire for my joy and happiness to come back in the serving of others.

Meaning, I didn't serve others as a way for my happiness to come back or to feel joy and love. I reached the end of my rope and was like "fuck it, if I can't be happy on my own, I can at least make other people happy" and I found that as I focused on helping others, profound happiness began to return to me.

and as I became selfish after that, my happiness would shut back off or would go numb again.

Thanks again for this detailed replies Lionheart, sorry mine took so long, I don’t get on here all that often.

Once again all good advice, it builds on what I’ve already been doing/learned. I will give the NSI-189 trial a miss for now and concentrate on purely reducing anxiety for a good 6 months or so and see how that goes.

One thing that does help reduce my anxiety though is having a back up plan, ie something to move onto if what you’re currently doing ends up not working. That may be a new supplement, protocol or medical treatment, or anything really. The main thing is I seem to just need something planned to try next for peace of mind while doing whatever I’m currently doing to try and end LTC. That isn’t to say I don’t believe your theory in that anxiety is the key instigator behind LTC, in fact it very much makes a lot of sense, I just can’t vanquish the worry that my anhedonia won’t completely heal by purely doing anxiety reducing practices (I can appreciate the paradox here btw).

To this end, I was actually just wondering if anyone out there has a dream practitioner/specialist that they have been researching? Perhaps you’ve come across someone, such as a neurologist, psychiatrist, brain injury specialist or alternative practitioner that actually specialises or has experience in treating MDMA damage but lives too far away for you to visit?
I ask this because I am very fortunate in my line of work (contractor) in that I can earn a decent income in a short period of time, and have opportunity to fly anywhere in the world to meet with whoever necessary. If for example you have been researching a specific practice or practitioner but are unable to make it there to find out if it is worth it, please do let me know as I could go there and check it out, either whilst doing or after my anxiety reduction protocol. Then I could report back here if it is worth it or not.
 
Hey guys took MDMA for 3 days in a row and it was my first time in December 24,25,26 its been over a month now and I feel depressed as hell ,I get these involuntary jerks on my neck and it feels ,tight and heavy .I feel like I don't feel any pleasure the way I used to ,I have this ringing noise in my ears and my mouth and gums feel swollen but they aren't ,I dont feel like my balance is the same ,my anxiety is at an all time high ,I'm even contemplating suicide as I'm writing this ,this is my last cry of help ,does it get better and how? ..
 
Hey guys took MDMA for 3 days in a row and it was my first time in December 24,25,26 its been over a month now and I feel depressed as hell ,I get these involuntary jerks on my neck and it feels ,tight and heavy .I feel like I don't feel any pleasure the way I used to ,I have this ringing noise in my ears and my mouth and gums feel swollen but they aren't ,I dont feel like my balance is the same ,my anxiety is at an all time high ,I'm even contemplating suicide as I'm writing this ,this is my last cry of help ,does it get better and how? ..

Hey man, hang in there and don’t give in to negative thoughts. Suicide is not the answer, time heals all and it’s only been just over a month. I have recovered from what you’re going through and so have many here on the forum. There are multiple things to do to help alleviate some symptoms: 1) Eat very healthy. 2) Get some form of exercise daily. 3) Try to sleep and wake up at the same time every day, aim for 7-8 hours every night. 4) Keep yourself busy. 5) Dont let the negative thoughts consume you, what is going on is temporary and it will pass. 6) Supplements such as Magnesium, NAC, Lions Mane, a multivitamin may help, but you need to do the 5 main things as well. All of these things combined will help you feel better. The one that we can all say heals the most is time, just hang in there and if you feel like you need professional help go to a doctor or therapist. Hang in there man, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep on moving forward.
 
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