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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

lionheart90 said:
I really appreciate your post because of the honesty. I feel I can relate to most of your post.

I have one question about your experience with exercise. How long have you consistently exercised for more than 4x days a week at over 40 min a day (150 BPM or "vigorous exercise").

I'm coming up to 2 years and have most symtoms trumped except for unexplained panic attacks. haha. if you could call them unexplained haha. I usually am drug free for the week, then smoke weed or drink alcohol for the weekend, which usually results in anxiety at the least and an anxiety attack at the worst.
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Thanks for that lionheart. I do a lot of exercise also, and totally agree that it’s one of the best things there is for recovery in our situation. I go for a bike ride or a surf for at least an hour every day, and throw in some push ups and chin-ups most days too. I always feel better after any exercise.

In regards to the weed and alcohol, I actually decided two years ago that the good times on them just weren’t worth the bad times afterwards, and I also figured that if I was going to put so much effort into recovering from LTC and then set myself back by drinking or smoking then that was just counterproductive, so I just stopped doing them completely. They both definitely greatly increased my anxiety like you said. I don’t miss them or even think about them any more, although I admit the weed was harder to ignore than the alcohol. Anyway, just letting you know my thoughts on that subject, completely up to you whether you would want to consider the same
 
lionheart90 said:
the number one battle to win is the thoguth battle about "I can I deal with this"

you don't need to deal with it mentally, you need to deal with it physically!!

my number one problem solver is jogging. My usually limit was about 4-5x runs around the block. And i would probably run around the block 10 times, and only 4-5 would be full sprint. For that one in 10 times I was too busy to run, I would either do burpees or situ ups or pushups. Either way, I was doing something physical and that was the only way I could deal with the issue. I had tried meditation, trance, mantra, etc. I had tried it all for many years but eventually physical workout is the only thing that worked for me.

so yeah. sprints is my number one exercise. sit ups or burpees is my second. push ups, sit ups, dumbells, resistance bands, general freeweights, these are my fallbacks for anxiety.
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@lionheart90 how you feel after stopping the SSRI,or you are still on them?
Did you stop drinking coffee?
Any problems?
How you feel at all?
 
Antoni how are you feeling after discontinuation of SSRI? 100% recovered or some lingering symptoms are still persisting?
How long were you on SSRI? Was it escitalopram?
 
Macenroe said:
Antoni how are you feeling after discontinuation of SSRI? 100% recovered or some lingering symptoms are still persisting?
How long were you on SSRI? Was it escitalopram?
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I was feeling 99% recovered,but one week ago drank a coffee and had some problems and received mild panic attack.Some of the symptoms went back,but manageable.
Now I’m back to Klonareks for about a month to calm the system.
My SSRI was Seropram.I was on it for about year and a half.
 
Macenroe said:
I have been on Cipralex for 2 mont

how long have you been suffering? Have you fully recovered? How bad were your symptoms? Have you tried any medication?
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I have suffered with anxiety, depression, and other illnesses for the vast majority of my life.

As for the LTC, mine really got bad about 2 years ago. Dec 4, 2017.

Full recovery is hard to define. Even if we get back to where we were before, thats not good because we were fucked up before. So a full recovery to me means not only getting back to where you were, but getting ahead of that and being even better.

Yes I am better than before. Stronger, wiser, more stable, more rational. I am better than before but I still have some lingering issues like my emotions are still sensetive and a lot of the time they don't want to come out. I get regular spikes of emotion though so I know healing and recover is taking place.

my symptoms were bad enough for me to want to kill myself every single day for 3 months straight. So they were pretty much as bad as they can possibly get.

medications I tried, buspar and mirtazipine. neither worked very well but I also dont have much interest in medication.
 
Elleker said:
Thanks for that lionheart. I do a lot of exercise also, and totally agree that it’s one of the best things there is for recovery in our situation. I go for a bike ride or a surf for at least an hour every day, and throw in some push ups and chin-ups most days too. I always feel better after any exercise.

In regards to the weed and alcohol, I actually decided two years ago that the good times on them just weren’t worth the bad times afterwards, and I also figured that if I was going to put so much effort into recovering from LTC and then set myself back by drinking or smoking then that was just counterproductive, so I just stopped doing them completely. They both definitely greatly increased my anxiety like you said. I don’t miss them or even think about them any more, although I admit the weed was harder to ignore than the alcohol. Anyway, just letting you know my thoughts on that subject, completely up to you whether you would want to consider the same
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I did quit them both. I picked up weed again about 3 months ago after close to 18 off it. I wanted to see the effect it would have on me. I smoked weed everyday and almost all day for close to 12 years so that weed fog is the state of mind I know best/know well. These last couple of months have been really helpful in a fucked up kind of way.

I guess you could say they have a couple more lessons left to teach me.
 
AntoniDimitrov said:
@lionheart90 how you feel after stopping the SSRI,or you are still on them?
Did you stop drinking coffee?
Any problems?
How you feel at all?
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I never did an SSRI while on the LTC. The only time I tried an SSRI was like 7 years ago and my LTC was for the last 2 years.

I don't use medication, I go the old fashioned way with healing. Connect with others, stay disciplined, workout, eat good, etc. The closest thing I have tried to medication has been CBD oil. A normal dose in the morning (zero THC content) has been pretty helpful.

I stopped drinking coffee a couple of times. It was pretty nice. I drink coffee/drink caffine fairly regularly right now. It doesn't make me feel that good, but also doesn't induce anxiety unless I'm in a bad state of mind. Like if I miss sleep for the entire week and try to get by with tons of caffine, I will feel pretty fucking shitty. Not shitty enough for anybody else to notice, and not shitty enough to miss work, but still I feel shitty so I don't use it like that anymore. From what I've been able to find, usually just like 1/4th or 1/2 of a cup of coffee is all I need. Small doses of caffine is OK, but regular or high doses of caffine makes me feel blehhhh.

Problems still remaining
Lots of free-standing anxiety. It's 1/100th of what it used to be, but its still there and needs to be confronted and dealt with.
Panic attacks if I get too crazy with the partying, alcohol, missing sleep, etc. (basically once I lose discipline)
sometimes I zone out. brain goes blank, vision goes blurry, feeling of safety and security in my gut, etc. Dissociation, etc.

All issues are minor and nobody else notices them until I tell them. Also some people might not even consider these to be remaining issues. I feel like I did before but I was pretty fucked up before, so to me I still have more recovery to go because I have my sights set on total transformation and evolution. Just getting back to where I was doesn't interest me, and I already am back to where I was, evolution and transformation are the goals I'm working towards.
 
manimessedup said:
Been like 7 weeks since LTC started for me... Still have brain fog and head pressure, though they do seem to be improving ever so slightly.

I'm just wondering if you guys also get eye strain? Whenever I'm on the computer or play video games I notice that my eyes strain and my head pressure / brain fog actually worsens. Anyone have to deal with this too?
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yeah i get bad eye strain aswell. My abuse was heavy so my headaches are 24/7 and feel very very cooked. Staying out in nature seems to help a little bit but nothing makes these headaches go away expect for LSD.
 
Hey guys! It’s been about 7 months since my abuse, I started feeling normal after about 3, and I started slacking on the healthy stuff which could be why I’m feeling the way I do. I still feel normal, so for those suffering don’t stress I’m completely fine. The only thing bothering me (which seems to be normal with MDMA use) is I think I have adrenal fatigue. My body gets sore very easily, and any strenuous physical activity makes me very tired and sore. I’m not super groggy or anything, but it does make me feel like I’m 10-15 years older than I am, and I’m pretty young. Does anyone have some tips for adrenal fatigue or could possibly know how to resolve this? Thank you everyone, and I’m glad the worst is behind me. For those suffering stay hopeful!
 
Dcoqo said:
How are you doing Macenroe?
Im better now, but still not 100%
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Hi Dcoqo, I am stuck on a weird cycle. Feeling spaced out and anxious in the morning and then improving around 4 PM everyday feeling 95% recovered at night. I am on 20 mg Cipralex now and feel like it has helped me to be functional but not recovered.
What are your symptoms? Any medications?
 
Macenroe said:
Hi Dcoqo, I am stuck on a weird cycle. Feeling spaced out and anxious in the morning and then improving around 4 PM everyday feeling 95% recovered at night. I am on 20 mg Cipralex now and feel like it has helped me to be functional but not recovered.
What are your symptoms? Any medications?
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You have been going through this for a long time right? How much xtc did you take?

Right now I’m feeling ocasional anxiety, it comes and goes. Unlike you it is usually worse during the evenings. Also I have tinnitus.

The rest of my symptoms have mostly subsided.

Im not taking any medications, although for some weeks I had to take 2mg of melatonin to sleep. Not anymore though.
 
I haven't recovered entirely in the aspect of never getting anxiety. I have learned that anxiety is normal, and that my level of anxiety (although higher than what I was used to) is not as high as most other peoples. I still get anxiety attacks and shit, but usually only if I miss sleep for multiple nights a week or if I smoke weed heavily for multiple nights a week.

so its not like I just get anxiety without reason. I get the anxiety and depression and lowness when i fuck up, which is totally normal for most people and i don't give any pushback about that.

I know now that the fucked up things that I want to do, lack of sleep, self-sabotage, excessive caffine and weed, excessive alcohol. All of those things have a powerful negative effect on me that they didnt have before. or i didnt notice before.

when I look at other people, its pretty clear that they avoid such things for the same reason. perhaps they have already learned the lessons that we are learning now.

so yeah, I have recovered to a place that many people dream about. However i still see around me that so many peopel (who never even experienced drugs or LTC) are still in anxiety 10x worse than mine. so I don;t give many fucks aboout the anxiety that i do face. I just recognize that my bad habits are what breed the anxiety and shit.

I've tried to get rid of the bad habits but they just keep finding their way back in. I get off the drugs then feel super powerful so I drink or smoke some more, then I feel fucked up again so I go sober for a while.then the cycle begins again.

itslike Godis telling me "i want you to be clean and sober. I have High hopes for you. and this low balling, scum rolling shit you are doing (drugs) is just not the destiny I had for you, so I wont reward it for you. if you want to live well, if you want to live the euphoria I have chosen for you (this is god speaking) then you have to live the way I want you to". and in my own way, I take that to mean "Live well, share your story with others, help others, put pthers before yourself".
 
Happy 2020,
I'd like to share my LTC story in case it can be of help to anyone suffering. I desperately wanted this information when I first started going through this.

My LTC started in May 2018. It began after I woke up in what felt like a fog, then came the panic attacks and feeling anxious 24/7, then the constant DP/DR. Some of my other symptoms included: ruminating all day about how I felt, excruciating headaches, feeling lightheaded, shortness of breath, depression, feeling suicidal, no memory, lack of concentration, nightmares, insomnia, blurred vision, foggy vision, sensitivity to light and sound, afterimages, tracers, feeling numb, the world looked different/unreal...etc...etc.....I think I was pretty severe as I had just about every symptom listed on the forum. It took about 6 months of the worst of it, before I started to make any progress towards recovery. Once I hit the 6 month mark, I was making progress but it was very slow and I had to be super patient. Basically I felt pretty crappy with the mentioned symptoms above for about a year and a half. At the year and a half mark, the symptoms hadn't resolved yet, however I started to get way better at accepting and not stressing about the symptoms. My whole relationship with anxiety began to change. I started living my life DESPITE the symptoms and stopped caring if I felt like crap. Now about 2 1/2 years since the beginning of my LTC, I am almost fully back to normal. I still get anxiety and its symptoms from time to time but it doesn't really bother me anymore. I have a better understanding of it now and know its only a temporary state brought on by way too much stress and a tired/overworked mind and nervous system

During my LTC, I did go to my doctor, was honest about my symptoms, got all the recommended tests done and made sure to rule everything else out. It gave me peace of mind to do so.

I've started to view my LTC as a blessing in disguise because it has made me face my fears, prove to myself that I'm so much stronger than I thought I was, and now I have much better coping mechanisms all around for dealing with life's stress.

The good news is when I started to truly accept that my issues were not permanent damage, and treated the symptoms the same way to treat severe, chronic anxiety, I started to recover slowly with time. Many people experience severe anxiety without having abused any substances. They had a stressful life event, trauma, or panic attack trigger it, and not a drug.

While I kept on believing that the X messed me up for life, I was never going to recover. I had to step away from all forums, live my life, and allow my nervous system to rest. The reason I had a hard time believing that it was all just anxiety at the beginning was two-fold: 1) anxiety made me fixate on the worst case scenario instead of focusing on the most logical/rational one -and- 2) the physiological symptoms were so intense and scary that I kept telling myself "this cannot be from something so simple as anxiety, there must be something else causing this." Anxiety did some crazy things I would not have imagined.

What helped me most were the resources by individuals who went through this themselves, recovered, and created books/videos to help others. Some excellent resources include books "At Last A Life" by Paul David, "Hope and Help for your Nerves" by Claire Weekes. For a free resource, I love the youtube channel called "In Peace With Reality." Another great service is www.healing-anxiety.com. Lastly, the Depersonalization Manual. These all gave me a much better understanding of the condition, why I was having these symptoms, and how to start recovering.
I hope sharing my story is helpful. I'll try to log back in if anyone has any questions about my story and what I've learned in my own recovery. Take care :)
 
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lionheart90 said:
I haven't recovered entirely in the aspect of never getting anxiety. I have learned that anxiety is normal, and that my level of anxiety (although higher than what I was used to) is not as high as most other peoples. I still get anxiety attacks and shit, but usually only if I miss sleep for multiple nights a week or if I smoke weed heavily for multiple nights a week.

so its not like I just get anxiety without reason. I get the anxiety and depression and lowness when i fuck up, which is totally normal for most people and i don't give any pushback about that.

I know now that the fucked up things that I want to do, lack of sleep, self-sabotage, excessive caffine and weed, excessive alcohol. All of those things have a powerful negative effect on me that they didnt have before. or i didnt notice before.

when I look at other people, its pretty clear that they avoid such things for the same reason. perhaps they have already learned the lessons that we are learning now.

so yeah, I have recovered to a place that many people dream about. However i still see around me that so many peopel (who never even experienced drugs or LTC) are still in anxiety 10x worse than mine. so I don;t give many fucks aboout the anxiety that i do face. I just recognize that my bad habits are what breed the anxiety and shit.

I've tried to get rid of the bad habits but they just keep finding their way back in. I get off the drugs then feel super powerful so I drink or smoke some more, then I feel fucked up again so I go sober for a while.then the cycle begins again.

itslike Godis telling me "i want you to be clean and sober. I have High hopes for you. and this low balling, scum rolling shit you are doing (drugs) is just not the destiny I had for you, so I wont reward it for you. if you want to live well, if you want to live the euphoria I have chosen for you (this is god speaking) then you have to live the way I want you to". and in my own way, I take that to mean "Live well, share your story with others, help others, put pthers before yourself".
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Thanks for your share, I really relate to a lot of this. I don't do drugs or smoke weed anymore, however, when I start to intake too much caffeine, allow my sleep to get f'd up, or drink it really hits me a lot harder then it used to. Not sure if, like you said, I'm just more aware of it now. I even notice how crappy I feel when my diet is not clean (i.e. too much sugar) compared to before. I think we are just very sensitive and aware of our bodies after a LTC so we need to be more mindful on how we treat it. I think it's a good thing in the long run, a hard lesson but a good lesson. Not saying we will always be so hyper-aware of our bodies, I'm sure that diminishes with time but for now I guess I'm just taking those lessons in.
 
I want to mention a post from McBird did so incredibly much for me, I am forever grateful.

The absolute worst for me was the visual stuff. I have experienced the world "looking fake" with my eyes unable to focus. Ive even felt like people's movements were blurred, kind of like tracers or after-images. It's a very lonely condition, since not many people understand. This is why I found so much relief listening to other sufferers on youtube, especially the uplifting stories of those who have recovered.

I still get the visual issues at times, but I noticed when I stop giving them so much attention they start to lose their power over me. It took a long time to get there though. I did have my eyes checked out by an optometrist and ophthalmologist to make sure there was nothing medically going on. The doctors said my eyes are healthy.

I personally feel that anxiety is mainly a mental/psychological condition. Therefore, I realized a particular diet, herb, etc. was not going to resolve it for me. Not to say that exercise, eating healthy, and abstaining from alcohol, drugs and caffeine aren't important too. I just don't think they were going to resolve it on their own without my healthy mental practices in place.

Once I was in the anxiety state, I started to fixate on every symptom I had. This stressed my nervous system more, a nervous system that was already stuck in fight or flight. Therefore, my nervous system produced more adrenaline and flight or flight hormones which kept me in the cycle for as long as I kept creating stress. So I had to reteach my nervous system that there was nothing to be afraid of. This took time and patience. I thought of it like rewiring my brain into a much calmer state.

What worked well for me was learning to acknowledge the scary, irrational thoughts and understand that they were just thoughts. THOUGHTS ARE NOT REALITY! Scary thoughts were a by-product of a tired, adrenaline filled, and over-worked mind. So every time I had one of these unpleasant thoughts, I would start to replace them with a positive or logically-based thought.

For example, if my vision felt off. I might think to myself "the world feels like it isn't real anymore." After noticing I had that thought, I would think to myself "well yes, maybe the world doesn't feel real right now, but IT IS indeed real. This is just an illusion because of the anxiety I am having. This is only temporary and I know my vision will return to normal with time so I am going to get on with my day and not worry too much about it." This was considering I had gone to the doctor first, explained my symptoms, had all the necessary tests, and my doctor said I was healthy and ruled out any medical issues with my vision. The shift in thinking didnt happen right away, and trust me, it felt like I was faking it in the beginning. But over time, these positive thoughts started to become automatic and the symptoms started to lose their power over me. Once the symptoms lost their power, my nervous system could finally relax and shitty feelings started to resolve.

I stopped worrying about how long it was taking me to recover from anxiety. Realized its a bumpy process, one day I felt great but the next day felt bad again. I welcomed the good days along with the bad, because they were all just a part of my healing process. I experienced a month of feeling good, then another month I’d feel bad again. I would try not to get discouraged, I felt I was still moving towards recovery even with those set-backs. A lot of ppl took 2-3 years to heal. Some took only 1 year. Everyone's different, so I gave myself all the time I needed.

Wishing you the best :)
 
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My memory was absolute trash too when I first had my LTC. I couldn't even remember what I did 10 mins ago.

I personally thought that my problems were from E before I started to recover. But at the time I thought to myself, the longer I stay on these forums convincing myself that it's the E, then the worse I seem to get. I also started to notice that when I took a break from all forums, all researching of the condition, and started to focus (as best I could) on normal everyday life, I felt slightly better. This correlation made me realize - what have I got to loose? I started listening to the anxiety community on how they all recovered. I applied the same techniques to my own situation, unsure if it would work, and to my excitement I started (very slowly) recovering more and more every few months. I just want to share what I've experienced. Healthy mental practices really helped me with my anxiety and not buying into the fact that “I am messed up.”

It is a WELL KNOWN thing in the anxiety community that anxiety (especially DP/DR) fucks very badly with one's memory. Anxiety is persistent af as long as the person keeps themselves in the vicious cycle. It doesn't matter if someone’s memory has been shit for 2 years or for 15 years, if they are in the DP/DR cycle, it can continue to stay that way until one gets out of the anxiety/stress cycle.

My readings taught me that the reason this happens is actually quite simple. Once my brain was triggered into "fight or flight" and stayed there for an extended period of time, I changed how my brain was wired in a sense. THIS WAS NOT PERMANENT for me. My brain wanted me to survive whatever threat it thought could harm me, so it started to divert all it's energy into my amygdala and other stress response centers of my brain.

So what do you think happens with a brain that is diverting all of its energy to its survival center?? My brain could give two fucks as to what I was able to easily remember or how well I could concentrate on a detailed task (like a math equation). All my brain wanted to do was survive that "tiger attack" (I use this analogy because this was my primitive, caveman center of my brain at work). Therefore I FELT dumber. But I was NOT actually dumber. The irony of it all is that my brain was working great, it was just doing what it thought it had to do given the situation.

My brain did not know the difference between stress triggered by a tiger about to devour me OR stress triggered by reading scary information on forums all day. For example, when watching a really scary movie, despite knowing logically that it is not real, my heart pounds and I jump and startle just as if it was real. So what this meant to me was that stress over a drug fucking me up for life was stressing my brain out the exact same way as if I was running from tigers on the daily. Therefore, my brain responded by going into survival mode and all the symptoms that followed happen because my brain was trying to divert energy into staying alive, instead of diverting energy to "normal" sensations and "normal" life. Also, I was in this chronic "fight or flight state," I couldn't calm down and relax properly like others could (say once the scary movie comes to an end). My brain had decided, through too much stress, that I needed to STAY in this state for a long time until I prove to it otherwise.

DP/DR can often mask itself as feeling calm because it's trying to numb me (and numb my emotions) so in case that tiger does get a hold of me and eat me, at least I won't feel as much of the pain and suffering. I imagine an animal "freezing" in nature when they go into shock. DP/DR for me was a form of being in shock from all the stress.

Hope my story helps. Take care my friends.
 
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The people that never recover are the people who BELIEVE they’ll never recover. The mind is a powerful thing.

-GC
 
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