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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

catsonlymeow

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
8
Its been 2 years. The constant DP/DR cleared up about month 10 for me. The extreme symptoms cleared up at like 4-5 month. The emotional numbness cleared up around month 12-14 for me.

The lingering issues are still there but I doubt most people would even notice them unless they were sensitive to anxiety. and after having gone through anxiety for my whole life, and 2 years of extreme anxiety/LTC, i can grantee that I am hyper sensitive to anxiety and can feel even the smallest twinges of anxiety within my body.

The issues I deal with are what I consider to be normal levels. I don't get depression, and in general my health is rock solid, however I still do get episodes of anxiety from time to time. And if I smoke weed, drink caffeine, and miss sleep (like a weekend of heavy partying) the odds of getting a panic attack or dissociation go way up.

I got a new job about 10 months ago that is in customer service, so I talk to 50-100 people a day on average. And from what I can see, I am doing pretty fucking well. My health is strong and in many ways I am ahead of a huge percentage of the population. The anxiety still lingers, yes, so I'm not like in the top 1% or 5% or even 10% of healthy people, but, I am really far up there and my health is amazing. Like I said, its just the anxiety that lingers.

---

Anytime you get a huge worry like that, a worry that just doesn't go away. That is symptom of a severe anxiety wave. The thoughts about damage, or long term issues, or anything like that. Its just a flare up of anxiety. Learn to do some deep belly breathing and calm your nervous system down, it will help with the other symptoms that flare up.

anxiety is the root issue that causes everything else to cascade. That is why when you deal with anxiety, all the other symptoms go away too.

and contrary to popular belief, it IS possible for anxiety to cause the severe and long lasting issues that we have all dealt with. acute anxiety is the anxiety that most people talk about when they say anxiety. And they fail to understand or recognize that chronic anxiety, anxiety that just doesnt go away for hours or weeks or months on end, is something that people also deal with.

so many fucking people gas light me about my anxiety, saying shit like "it cant be that bad, I HAVE ANXIETY AND ITS NOT THAT BAD" and I want to just punch them in the fucking face. lol. honestly, it does get me wiled up but its whatever, I just ignore people like that.

truth is most people have never deal with chronic, severe, and persistent anxiety like many of us here have.

and that is what the LTC is, a severe, chronic persistent anxiety disorder.

deal with the anxiety, beat the LTC.
This is great! I agree with everything you said lionheart. Chronic anxiety is a completely different beast then the quick episodes of anxiety we are used to hearing about.
 

Dcoqo

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2019
Messages
33
He guys!
I think I really fucked up.

I had been feeling completely fine for three weeks. Last Friday I went out with my friends and took half an xtc pill. I know it was such a stupid thing to do after what I went through. But since I was feeling fine and it was over 3 months since the last time I had taken any I thought I would be fine. All my friends were taking and I could not resist the temptation.

Huge mistake. Anxiety has comed back. I have been feeling this way since Saturday, so third day already. And I can not stand to be at work.

Has any one being through a relapse after being fine? Fuck I feeel so stupid man, I was doing so fine. I hope I can get over this soon.

do not roll again no matter how fine you are feeling!
 

rinzzlerr

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
62
He guys!
I think I really fucked up.

I had been feeling completely fine for three weeks. Last Friday I went out with my friends and took half an xtc pill. I know it was such a stupid thing to do after what I went through. But since I was feeling fine and it was over 3 months since the last time I had taken any I thought I would be fine. All my friends were taking and I could not resist the temptation.

Huge mistake. Anxiety has comed back. I have been feeling this way since Saturday, so third day already. And I can not stand to be at work.

Has any one being through a relapse after being fine? Fuck I feeel so stupid man, I was doing so fine. I hope I can get over this soon.

do not roll again no matter how fine you are feeling!
Just remember how you got out of it the first time, don’t ruminate, keep yourself busy, diet, exercise, etc..
 

Dcoqo

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2019
Messages
33
Just remember how you got out of it the first time, don’t ruminate, keep yourself busy, diet, exercise, etc..
yeah, at the gym at the moment. But it’s so hard to think that I’ll have to go though all this again.
What if this time I don’t get better? Fuck I’m so stupid.
 

lionheart90

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 24, 2018
Messages
229
yeah, at the gym at the moment. But it’s so hard to think that I’ll have to go though all this again.
What if this time I don’t get better? Fuck I’m so stupid.
You can't give in to the constant "what if".

focus on healing and take baby steps. It doesn't do any good to worry about the negatives, that is just going to make everything harder and not help you. Instead focus on what you can do to get better, and do it as much as possible.

honestly it was a stupid move, but I've had friends who fall back into a LTC and it doesnt last as long the second time. Especially if they get serious about it early on and tackle the anxiety quickly before it consumes their whole life.
 

HopingForChange

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2020
Messages
5
First time poster. Very fucking scared. I really, really, really need some advice/help. I had been using MDMA 1 time a weekend for the last 2 years. There were breaks in between, but we'll say out of 104 weeks in the last 2 years, I rolled 60 of them. Never anything more than .2 or .3. A few nights I redosed, and a 3 or 4 times total, I rolled back to back. Also on some of the occasions I would drink.

I realized in October I had a serious problem. I blacked out and made the absolute hugest mistake of my life and slept with another woman. I wasnt in control, and would never do that in a sober state. I was so deep into using I ignored the signs. My dad just passed away in July and I didnt want to face the pain.

I slowly started to cut back. January 10th was the last time i did any. I've been dealing with LTC since before then and didnt quite understand it. Since the 10th, things do nothing but get worse it feels like. Panic attacks. Depression which brings on crippling anxiety and the complete inability to focus on my normal life.

I've started taking Lions Mane Mush Extract, NAC, and a slew of other supplements that I've read helped others, but nothing seems to be working. A good friend of mine who went thru a similar experience told me that I for sure did damage but I would better within the next few months as long as I dont touch the shit ever. He said he did MDMA for every day solid for quite a few months, and his ltc recovery was 3 months.

It's been 3 weeks (as noted) since the last time I've taken any MDMA and it doesnt feel like this is getting any better. I obsess over my mistake from cheating and throws me into panic attacks so hard that I feel like I will pass out. This morning I woke up and litterally couldnt breath for an hour straight.

I started taking Kratom to help, but when I'm not on it I feel like it may be giving me some type of withdraw symptoms which only makes everything worse.

I've been trying so fucking hard. I dont want to feel like this ever again. I just want it to be over, and after nearly 1 month I'm not seeing any light at the end of my tunnel. I read and read and read, and I see stories of people saying they got 6 month ltc from just one use.... I'm scared I'll never get out of this.

I have a friend that wants me to see a psychiatrist but I'm nervous to do that. I dont want to get put on pills because I fear my body will become dependent on the meds. I'm in such a bad place right now.

I have 2 kids and my amazing wife who I just want to be normal for again. Will I ever be normal again? I'm so scared and in search for whatever answers I can find. What should I do? Should I see the psychiatrist? Should I continue doing the supplements and focus on pushing forward?

It's so hard. I know I need patience but I really need some type of gratification. Some visible light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to feel like me again. Im tired of sitting and crying as asking God "Why me? Why did I do this? When will I get better?". 3 months. 6 months. They all feel so fucking far away and I dont know if I have the strength. Like.... I'm so mentally exhausted from beating myself up daily. Then after that not being able to go to bed even though I'm fucking exhausted.

Someone... anyone.... please. Help me.
UPDATE: I confessed to my wife about everything. It appears on the surface that she has forgiven me. She has been very understanding through all of this some how, and has vowed that this will make us stronger and promises to stay by my side. As relieving as this is, I am still feeling this constant sadness. She has been the most supportive person I could ever ask for. She has been my coach and my councilor. She's done it all with a smile and a hug. I know that she is the support group that alot of people have lacked in the LTC community and cant put into words how truly grateful I am that she has chosen to stand by me.

So with all that being said, I am hoping the healing can truly begin. I dont know if its anxiety or depression that's keeping me in this state of mind but I am attempting even further than before to pull myself out. I have a meeting with a Therapist on February 14th to do a Blood and DNA test on me to see if they can pinpoint any chemical deficiencies. I'm also going to the YMCA tomorrow to get a Gym membership.

Thanks for all the advice @lionheart90 - I will attempt to put it all into motion. As said though I dont know if its anxiety, depression, or both, but I'm gonna try to physically wreck my body to exhaust this shit out of it. I want this cloud of negativity to lift from me. If my wife can forgive me and move on, I need to as well. It's just hard for me to forgive myself after all the pain I've caused not only her, but myself.

I thought that alot of my LTC was due to guilt, but after coming clean I'm not really feeling any better. I've stopped having panic attacks but I'm still constantly talking to myself (inner monologue), trying to figure out what I need to do to make things right. I'm still feeling the sense of doom. It's still crippling.

Hopefully by the end of the month, things will have gotten better. I've booked me and my family plane tickets to see my wife's mom and Dad in Florida in April, so I'm hoping that by then I'll be feeling halfway better. I dont want to go there feeling like this.

Until then I'm taking Lions Mane Mush Cap Extract, NAC, Ashwagandha w/ L-Theanine, Green Tea Extract, Rhodiola Extract, Acetyl L-Carbitine, and Alpha Lipoic Acid. I also smoke weed daily. I have been taking them daily for 3 weeks straight. As said... not really noticing much of a difference but I am hoping to see some improvement.

If anyone has any additional advice, please feel free to throw it my way. I'm really hoping to get back to my old self sooner than later. I've never been a person who was "depressed". All this constant negative emotion is completely new to me. I've never been so damn upset 24/7 to where I couldn't pay attention to my wife telling me a wonderful story, or my kids sharing their day with me and it's really scary. Like... it so loud in my head, but no noise is being made.

Idk. Sorry. I'm just ranting at this point. Thanks to whoever reads and throws me some help. Seriously. I appreciate you.
 
Last edited:

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
38
Hey guys ,I took MDMA for the first time in my life for 3 consecutive days on the 24th,25th,26th of December, on the first day I had half a pill ,on the second day I had 2 pills and on the 3rd day I had two pills.

I felt some effects on the first day,the second I fell effects but it was a bad high I wasn't happy at all and on the third day I wasn't high at all ,I had absolutely no effects at all even after the second pill I took.

The 3 day MDMA taking stopped ,on the 27th of December was the first day into withdrawal but I felt no withdrawal effects at all ,everything was normal until I tried to sleep that day ,I got brain zaps couldn't sleep ,I probably slept for 3 or 4 hours ,and it was at one go it was in between sleep and being awake.

The following couple of days was a nightmare ,also no sleep ,no appetite I didn't want to go out ,my heart beat raced ,anxiety peaked and I was anti social, but as the days furthered sleep became better .

A month and 2 weeks into it now .My concentration is all over the place ,I get these moments of staring into space blankly ,my neck twitches/jerks when I'm focused on a task,I have sever head pressure it feels like a headache but its not painful at all ,the roof of my mouth and gums become numb and feel weird,they feel like their swollen but are not.

i don't know if I'm experiencing different effects from everyone else because I'm epileptic but the last time I had a seizure was 5 years ago ,I don't know if the head jerks and lapses in attention and swollen gum like sensation is caused by ,unusual brain activity triggered by that first time MDMA use.

Sometimes I wake up positive but these days I'm contemplating why am I even alive ,I feel like going through a day is torture ,going to bed has become a celebration now.

please guys help a stranger.

N/B :English is not my mother tongue sorry for the inconvenience.
 

ZeroLuck

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2017
Messages
307
I just see so many awesome and super strong people here, you're all incredibly smart and compassionate. Feeling like what everyone need is just to practice their faith. Been on a trip with my best buddy and feeling fantastic, can't stop laughing and my biggest concern... The memory isn't as an issue or at least I don't pay attention to it.

Overcomplicating is just a thing we liked to indulge into this masochistic game. Yes it's scary and no has the right answers.

It's fine to try to live as healthy as possible, both mentally and physically, but having faith could be the most important in the end.
 

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
38
could we be going through this? It says that it can take several months to heal, but that it does heal afterall.
[/QUOTE]

Yeah i think eventually it does heal ,but you have to help your brain out by excercising, try being social and going out and being busy ..your brain will become better..
 

Dcoqo

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2019
Messages
33
could we be going through this? It says that it can take several months to heal, but that it does heal afterall.
Yeah i think eventually it does heal ,but you have to help your brain out by excercising, try being social and going out and being busy ..your brain will become better..
[/QUOTE]

How long have you had LTC? What are your symptoms?
 

Macenroe

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 6, 2013
Messages
72
Anybody feels better on the evening night? And worst in the mornings?
Every night I feel 90% and wake up back to 40 %.
Very frustrating.
 

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
38
Yeah i think eventually it does heal ,but you have to help your brain out by excercising, try being social and going out and being busy ..your brain will become better..
How long have you had LTC? What are your symptoms?
[/QUOTE]

I did it for the first time on the 24th ,25th and 26th of December it was 3 consecutive days ,last year December and my symptoms are quite complicated because for me I'm epileptic although I haven't had a seizure in 5 years ,so back to the point when I try to concentrate my concentration is trash I get these head jerks now my mouth and gums feel swollen but aren't ,mood swings are frequent ,and I feel like I'm not excited anymore about anything..but some days are better some days are crap
 

Dcoqo

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2019
Messages
33
How long have you had LTC? What are your symptoms?
I did it for the first time on the 24th ,25th and 26th of December it was 3 consecutive days ,last year December and my symptoms are quite complicated because for me I'm epileptic although I haven't had a seizure in 5 years ,so back to the point when I try to concentrate my concentration is trash I get these head jerks now my mouth and gums feel swollen but aren't ,mood swings are frequent ,and I feel like I'm not excited anymore about anything..but some days are better some days are crap
[/QUOTE]

If you did it in December is pretty soon still. I had the same symptoms after I over did in october. Specially mood swings and that. I felt fine after two months.
 

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
38
I did it for the first time on the 24th ,25th and 26th of December it was 3 consecutive days ,last year December and my symptoms are quite complicated because for me I'm epileptic although I haven't had a seizure in 5 years ,so back to the point when I try to concentrate my concentration is trash I get these head jerks now my mouth and gums feel swollen but aren't ,mood swings are frequent ,and I feel like I'm not excited anymore about anything..but some days are better some days are crap
If you did it in December is pretty soon still. I had the same symptoms after I over did in october. Specially mood swings and that. I felt fine after two months.
[/QUOTE]

Yeah I'm backing on that too , its gonna take time but I'm gonna be better eventually ,you know I also learned that half the battle is just trying not to get those down thoughts their the dangerous ones ,cause if you start thinking about those you think about everything and start being anxious.If anything this whole thing taught me that you have to be mentally strong to get through it..
 

lionheart90

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 24, 2018
Messages
229
Has any one ever thought that we could be going through something like this? At least at the beginning. Some of the symptoms seem to match.

Most of us here are not on anti-depressants lol. Nor were we on antidepressants before this happened, nor did we recently quick them.

"And I think mdma affects serotonin the same way antidepressants do." it doesn't dude, it's way different.

Instead of trying to guess your way through this, how about you just take the advice of the people who are years into it and the advice they learned from people who had recovered before them?

Most of us played the guessing game for months before we just admitted it was a severe anxiety disorder. Might want to consider that before you fall down that rabbit hole too far as well.
 

Dcoqo

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2019
Messages
33
Most of us here are not on anti-depressants lol. Nor were we on antidepressants before this happened, nor did we recently quick them.

"And I think mdma affects serotonin the same way antidepressants do." it doesn't dude, it's way different.

Instead of trying to guess your way through this, how about you just take the advice of the people who are years into it and the advice they learned from people who had recovered before them?

Most of us played the guessing game for months before we just admitted it was a severe anxiety disorder. Might want to consider that before you fall down that rabbit hole too far as well.
Thank you man! I know, but it says that this syndrom also causes anxiety. And all the brain zaps and that... idk . I guess it’s better to forget about it your right.

Im already feeling better I think. Its hard to know though, because tbh I don’t really know what I’m feeling. When I forget about it im fine. Maybe now I’m just paranoid.
 
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