• MDMA &
    Empathogenic
    Drugs

    Welcome Guest!
  • MDMA Moderators: andyturbo | BlueBull | scatterday | steewith2ees
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

lionheart90

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 24, 2018
Messages
186
I need some help guys... I'm in this negative anxiety loop where I keep worrying that my anxiety is causing more stress on myself which is making my symptoms worse. How can I deal with this and rationalize it :/
the number one battle to win is the thoguth battle about "I can I deal with this"

you don't need to deal with it mentally, you need to deal with it physically!!

my number one problem solver is jogging. My usually limit was about 4-5x runs around the block. And i would probably run around the block 10 times, and only 4-5 would be full sprint. For that one in 10 times I was too busy to run, I would either do burpees or situ ups or pushups. Either way, I was doing something physical and that was the only way I could deal with the issue. I had tried meditation, trance, mantra, etc. I had tried it all for many years but eventually physical workout is the only thing that worked for me.

so yeah. sprints is my number one exercise. sit ups or burpees is my second. push ups, sit ups, dumbells, resistance bands, general freeweights, these are my fallbacks for anxiety.
 

Macenroe

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 6, 2013
Messages
68
Meditation, yoga, qi gong, hiking/walking, dancing, swimming, push ups and crunches, hot shower, weighted blanket, cuddling/hugging/sex. Find a way to consistently bring yourself into your parasympathetic nervous system and your mind will naturally calm. Laying on the ground and shaking your body like an animal that was just chased by a lion and is shaking off nervous system energy is EXTREMELY effective as well. It's actually an entire practice developed by a Marine called tremoring.
I have been on Cipralex for 2 mont
the number one battle to win is the thoguth battle about "I can I deal with this"

you don't need to deal with it mentally, you need to deal with it physically!!

my number one problem solver is jogging. My usually limit was about 4-5x runs around the block. And i would probably run around the block 10 times, and only 4-5 would be full sprint. For that one in 10 times I was too busy to run, I would either do burpees or situ ups or pushups. Either way, I was doing something physical and that was the only way I could deal with the issue. I had tried meditation, trance, mantra, etc. I had tried it all for many years but eventually physical workout is the only thing that worked for me.

so yeah. sprints is my number one exercise. sit ups or burpees is my second. push ups, sit ups, dumbells, resistance bands, general freeweights, these are my fallbacks for anxiety.
how long have you been suffering? Have you fully recovered? How bad were your symptoms? Have you tried any medication?
 

psy997

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 9, 2012
Messages
2,414
Location
noitacoL
The idea of tremoring sounds really good. Reminds of me about the thesis in "zebras dont have ulcers".

would you mind summarizing it for me real quick please?
I put them in order. The first one explains why, the second one is really informative in a deeper way, etc.


:)
 

Elleker

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 16, 2018
Messages
8
I really appreciate your post because of the honesty. I feel I can relate to most of your post.

I have one question about your experience with exercise. How long have you consistently exercised for more than 4x days a week at over 40 min a day (150 BPM or "vigorous exercise").

I'm coming up to 2 years and have most symtoms trumped except for unexplained panic attacks. haha. if you could call them unexplained haha. I usually am drug free for the week, then smoke weed or drink alcohol for the weekend, which usually results in anxiety at the least and an anxiety attack at the worst.
Thanks for that lionheart. I do a lot of exercise also, and totally agree that it’s one of the best things there is for recovery in our situation. I go for a bike ride or a surf for at least an hour every day, and throw in some push ups and chin-ups most days too. I always feel better after any exercise.

In regards to the weed and alcohol, I actually decided two years ago that the good times on them just weren’t worth the bad times afterwards, and I also figured that if I was going to put so much effort into recovering from LTC and then set myself back by drinking or smoking then that was just counterproductive, so I just stopped doing them completely. They both definitely greatly increased my anxiety like you said. I don’t miss them or even think about them any more, although I admit the weed was harder to ignore than the alcohol. Anyway, just letting you know my thoughts on that subject, completely up to you whether you would want to consider the same
 

AntoniDimitrov

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 25, 2018
Messages
43
the number one battle to win is the thoguth battle about "I can I deal with this"

you don't need to deal with it mentally, you need to deal with it physically!!

my number one problem solver is jogging. My usually limit was about 4-5x runs around the block. And i would probably run around the block 10 times, and only 4-5 would be full sprint. For that one in 10 times I was too busy to run, I would either do burpees or situ ups or pushups. Either way, I was doing something physical and that was the only way I could deal with the issue. I had tried meditation, trance, mantra, etc. I had tried it all for many years but eventually physical workout is the only thing that worked for me.

so yeah. sprints is my number one exercise. sit ups or burpees is my second. push ups, sit ups, dumbells, resistance bands, general freeweights, these are my fallbacks for anxiety.
@lionheart90 how you feel after stopping the SSRI,or you are still on them?
Did you stop drinking coffee?
Any problems?
How you feel at all?
 

Macenroe

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 6, 2013
Messages
68
Antoni how are you feeling after discontinuation of SSRI? 100% recovered or some lingering symptoms are still persisting?
How long were you on SSRI? Was it escitalopram?
 

AntoniDimitrov

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 25, 2018
Messages
43
Antoni how are you feeling after discontinuation of SSRI? 100% recovered or some lingering symptoms are still persisting?
How long were you on SSRI? Was it escitalopram?
I was feeling 99% recovered,but one week ago drank a coffee and had some problems and received mild panic attack.Some of the symptoms went back,but manageable.
Now I’m back to Klonareks for about a month to calm the system.
My SSRI was Seropram.I was on it for about year and a half.
 

lionheart90

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 24, 2018
Messages
186
I have been on Cipralex for 2 mont

how long have you been suffering? Have you fully recovered? How bad were your symptoms? Have you tried any medication?
I have suffered with anxiety, depression, and other illnesses for the vast majority of my life.

As for the LTC, mine really got bad about 2 years ago. Dec 4, 2017.

Full recovery is hard to define. Even if we get back to where we were before, thats not good because we were fucked up before. So a full recovery to me means not only getting back to where you were, but getting ahead of that and being even better.

Yes I am better than before. Stronger, wiser, more stable, more rational. I am better than before but I still have some lingering issues like my emotions are still sensetive and a lot of the time they don't want to come out. I get regular spikes of emotion though so I know healing and recover is taking place.

my symptoms were bad enough for me to want to kill myself every single day for 3 months straight. So they were pretty much as bad as they can possibly get.

medications I tried, buspar and mirtazipine. neither worked very well but I also dont have much interest in medication.
 

lionheart90

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 24, 2018
Messages
186
Thanks for that lionheart. I do a lot of exercise also, and totally agree that it’s one of the best things there is for recovery in our situation. I go for a bike ride or a surf for at least an hour every day, and throw in some push ups and chin-ups most days too. I always feel better after any exercise.

In regards to the weed and alcohol, I actually decided two years ago that the good times on them just weren’t worth the bad times afterwards, and I also figured that if I was going to put so much effort into recovering from LTC and then set myself back by drinking or smoking then that was just counterproductive, so I just stopped doing them completely. They both definitely greatly increased my anxiety like you said. I don’t miss them or even think about them any more, although I admit the weed was harder to ignore than the alcohol. Anyway, just letting you know my thoughts on that subject, completely up to you whether you would want to consider the same
I did quit them both. I picked up weed again about 3 months ago after close to 18 off it. I wanted to see the effect it would have on me. I smoked weed everyday and almost all day for close to 12 years so that weed fog is the state of mind I know best/know well. These last couple of months have been really helpful in a fucked up kind of way.

I guess you could say they have a couple more lessons left to teach me.
 

lionheart90

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 24, 2018
Messages
186
@lionheart90 how you feel after stopping the SSRI,or you are still on them?
Did you stop drinking coffee?
Any problems?
How you feel at all?
I never did an SSRI while on the LTC. The only time I tried an SSRI was like 7 years ago and my LTC was for the last 2 years.

I don't use medication, I go the old fashioned way with healing. Connect with others, stay disciplined, workout, eat good, etc. The closest thing I have tried to medication has been CBD oil. A normal dose in the morning (zero THC content) has been pretty helpful.

I stopped drinking coffee a couple of times. It was pretty nice. I drink coffee/drink caffine fairly regularly right now. It doesn't make me feel that good, but also doesn't induce anxiety unless I'm in a bad state of mind. Like if I miss sleep for the entire week and try to get by with tons of caffine, I will feel pretty fucking shitty. Not shitty enough for anybody else to notice, and not shitty enough to miss work, but still I feel shitty so I don't use it like that anymore. From what I've been able to find, usually just like 1/4th or 1/2 of a cup of coffee is all I need. Small doses of caffine is OK, but regular or high doses of caffine makes me feel blehhhh.

Problems still remaining
Lots of free-standing anxiety. It's 1/100th of what it used to be, but its still there and needs to be confronted and dealt with.
Panic attacks if I get too crazy with the partying, alcohol, missing sleep, etc. (basically once I lose discipline)
sometimes I zone out. brain goes blank, vision goes blurry, feeling of safety and security in my gut, etc. Dissociation, etc.

All issues are minor and nobody else notices them until I tell them. Also some people might not even consider these to be remaining issues. I feel like I did before but I was pretty fucked up before, so to me I still have more recovery to go because I have my sights set on total transformation and evolution. Just getting back to where I was doesn't interest me, and I already am back to where I was, evolution and transformation are the goals I'm working towards.
 

TripSitterNZ

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
1,111
Location
Middle Earth
Been like 7 weeks since LTC started for me... Still have brain fog and head pressure, though they do seem to be improving ever so slightly.

I'm just wondering if you guys also get eye strain? Whenever I'm on the computer or play video games I notice that my eyes strain and my head pressure / brain fog actually worsens. Anyone have to deal with this too?
yeah i get bad eye strain aswell. My abuse was heavy so my headaches are 24/7 and feel very very cooked. Staying out in nature seems to help a little bit but nothing makes these headaches go away expect for LSD.
 

rinzzlerr

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
54
Hey guys! It’s been about 7 months since my abuse, I started feeling normal after about 3, and I started slacking on the healthy stuff which could be why I’m feeling the way I do. I still feel normal, so for those suffering don’t stress I’m completely fine. The only thing bothering me (which seems to be normal with MDMA use) is I think I have adrenal fatigue. My body gets sore very easily, and any strenuous physical activity makes me very tired and sore. I’m not super groggy or anything, but it does make me feel like I’m 10-15 years older than I am, and I’m pretty young. Does anyone have some tips for adrenal fatigue or could possibly know how to resolve this? Thank you everyone, and I’m glad the worst is behind me. For those suffering stay hopeful!
 

manimessedup

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
2
Haven't seen this mentioned too much, but if you guys are having sleeping troubles, what helped me out was buying a weighted blanket.
 

Macenroe

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 6, 2013
Messages
68
How are you doing Macenroe?
Im better now, but still not 100%
Hi Dcoqo, I am stuck on a weird cycle. Feeling spaced out and anxious in the morning and then improving around 4 PM everyday feeling 95% recovered at night. I am on 20 mg Cipralex now and feel like it has helped me to be functional but not recovered.
What are your symptoms? Any medications?
 

Dcoqo

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2019
Messages
25
Hi Dcoqo, I am stuck on a weird cycle. Feeling spaced out and anxious in the morning and then improving around 4 PM everyday feeling 95% recovered at night. I am on 20 mg Cipralex now and feel like it has helped me to be functional but not recovered.
What are your symptoms? Any medications?
You have been going through this for a long time right? How much xtc did you take?

Right now I’m feeling ocasional anxiety, it comes and goes. Unlike you it is usually worse during the evenings. Also I have tinnitus.

The rest of my symptoms have mostly subsided.

Im not taking any medications, although for some weeks I had to take 2mg of melatonin to sleep. Not anymore though.
 

lionheart90

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 24, 2018
Messages
186
I haven't recovered entirely in the aspect of never getting anxiety. I have learned that anxiety is normal, and that my level of anxiety (although higher than what I was used to) is not as high as most other peoples. I still get anxiety attacks and shit, but usually only if I miss sleep for multiple nights a week or if I smoke weed heavily for multiple nights a week.

so its not like I just get anxiety without reason. I get the anxiety and depression and lowness when i fuck up, which is totally normal for most people and i don't give any pushback about that.

I know now that the fucked up things that I want to do, lack of sleep, self-sabotage, excessive caffine and weed, excessive alcohol. All of those things have a powerful negative effect on me that they didnt have before. or i didnt notice before.

when I look at other people, its pretty clear that they avoid such things for the same reason. perhaps they have already learned the lessons that we are learning now.

so yeah, I have recovered to a place that many people dream about. However i still see around me that so many peopel (who never even experienced drugs or LTC) are still in anxiety 10x worse than mine. so I don;t give many fucks aboout the anxiety that i do face. I just recognize that my bad habits are what breed the anxiety and shit.

I've tried to get rid of the bad habits but they just keep finding their way back in. I get off the drugs then feel super powerful so I drink or smoke some more, then I feel fucked up again so I go sober for a while.then the cycle begins again.

itslike Godis telling me "i want you to be clean and sober. I have High hopes for you. and this low balling, scum rolling shit you are doing (drugs) is just not the destiny I had for you, so I wont reward it for you. if you want to live well, if you want to live the euphoria I have chosen for you (this is god speaking) then you have to live the way I want you to". and in my own way, I take that to mean "Live well, share your story with others, help others, put pthers before yourself".
 

catsonlymeow

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
6
Happy 2020,
I'd like to share my LTC story in case it can be of help to anyone suffering from these awful symptoms. Sorry it's long but I desperately wanted this information when I first started going through this.
My LTC started in May 2018, after a weekend of raving. It began with panic attacks and feeling anxious 24/7, which lead into severe and constant DP/DR. Some of my other symptoms included excruciating headaches, feeling lightheaded, depression, feeling suicidal, no memory, lack of concentration, nightmares, insomnia, blurred vision, foggy vision, sensitivity to light and sound, afterimages, tracers, feeling numb, the world looked different/unreal...etc...etc.....I think I was pretty severe as I had just about every symptom listed on the forum. It took about 4-6 months of the worst of it, before I started to make any progress towards recovery. Once I hit the 6 month mark, I was making progress but it was very slow and I had to be super patient. Now about a year and 7 months later, I am so much better. I work full-time (although I did make myself go to work the entire LTC), spend time with friends, I go on trips (I have one planned to London in April), snowboard, spend time with my boyfriend, pets, and family. Basically I do everything I would have done prior to the LTC.

The only reason I cannot say I'm 100% recovered is that I still have some anxiety from time to time and I do have to be careful with my caffeine intake these days. I know with time I will completely recover and eventually will be even better than before the LTC. I've started to see my LTC as a blessing in disguise because it's made me face my fears, prove to myself that I'm so much stronger than I thought I was, and now I have much better coping mechanisms all around for dealing with life's stress. I do still get mild symptoms/vision issues with stress but I've learned not to worry about them, I know they are just a temporary nuisance.

These are my own opinions and beliefs based on what I went through, but I am fully convinced that this is 100% an anxiety-based condition. Now maybe rolling does throw-off our neurotransmitters (TEMPORARILY) leading to the initial panic attacks, which in turn can trigger the anxiety loop. After a few days, weeks, or maybe a few months (at absolute most), our neurotransmitters normalize (just like they would getting off an SSRI) and what we are left dealing with is just severe anxiety. The good news is when you start to truly believe this, and treat the symptoms the same way you'd treat severe anxiety, you will start to recover slowly with time. Many people experience the exact same symptoms as us for an extended period of time without having taken substances. They had a stressful life event, trauma, or panic attack trigger it, and not a drug.

While I kept on believing that molly messed me up for life, I was never going to recover. I had to step away from all forums, live my life, and allow my nervous system to recover. The reason I had a hard time believing that it was all just anxiety in the beginning was two-fold: 1) anxiety makes you fixate on the worst case scenario, instead of the most logical/rational one -and- 2) the physiological symptoms are so dang intense and scary that you keep telling yourself "this cannot be from something so simple as anxiety, there must be something else causing this." But TRUST, anxiety can do some crazy shit to us.

The other issue is that the vast majority of doctors and even psychiatrists/psychologists are not familiar with severe anxiety and how to treat it. So who can you turn to? In my experience, while it is good to see your doctor to rule out any health related causes and for piece of mind, do not expect them to fix it if they cannot find an organic cause. What helped me was to use the resources created by individuals who actually went through it themselves, recovered, and then came back to help others. Some excellent resources for recovery include books "At Last A Life" by Paul David, "Hope and Help for your Nerves" by Claire Weekes, "Anxiety Rebalance" by Carl Verno. For a free resource, I love the youtube channel called "In Peace With Reality." Another great service is www.healing-anxiety.com. Lastly, I recommend looking up the Depersonalization Manual. These all gave me a much better understanding of the condition, why I was having these symptoms, and how to start recovering.
I hope all this information helps. Take it day by day and I promise you things will get better. You just need to push yourself to live your life as normal as possible without stressing about how strange, awful and distant you feel. I'll try to log back in if anyone has any questions about my story and what I've learned in my own recovery. Take care :)
 
Last edited:

catsonlymeow

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
6
I haven't recovered entirely in the aspect of never getting anxiety. I have learned that anxiety is normal, and that my level of anxiety (although higher than what I was used to) is not as high as most other peoples. I still get anxiety attacks and shit, but usually only if I miss sleep for multiple nights a week or if I smoke weed heavily for multiple nights a week.

so its not like I just get anxiety without reason. I get the anxiety and depression and lowness when i fuck up, which is totally normal for most people and i don't give any pushback about that.

I know now that the fucked up things that I want to do, lack of sleep, self-sabotage, excessive caffine and weed, excessive alcohol. All of those things have a powerful negative effect on me that they didnt have before. or i didnt notice before.

when I look at other people, its pretty clear that they avoid such things for the same reason. perhaps they have already learned the lessons that we are learning now.

so yeah, I have recovered to a place that many people dream about. However i still see around me that so many peopel (who never even experienced drugs or LTC) are still in anxiety 10x worse than mine. so I don;t give many fucks aboout the anxiety that i do face. I just recognize that my bad habits are what breed the anxiety and shit.

I've tried to get rid of the bad habits but they just keep finding their way back in. I get off the drugs then feel super powerful so I drink or smoke some more, then I feel fucked up again so I go sober for a while.then the cycle begins again.

itslike Godis telling me "i want you to be clean and sober. I have High hopes for you. and this low balling, scum rolling shit you are doing (drugs) is just not the destiny I had for you, so I wont reward it for you. if you want to live well, if you want to live the euphoria I have chosen for you (this is god speaking) then you have to live the way I want you to". and in my own way, I take that to mean "Live well, share your story with others, help others, put pthers before yourself".

Thanks for your share, I really relate to a lot of this. I don't do drugs or smoke weed anymore, however, when I start to intake too much caffeine, allow my sleep to get f'd up, or drink it really hits me a lot harder then it used to. Not sure if, like you said, I'm just more aware of it now. I even notice how crappy I feel when my diet is not clean (i.e. too much sugar) compared to before. I think we are just very sensitive and aware of our bodies after a LTC so we need to be more mindful on how we treat it. I think it's a good thing in the long run, a hard lesson but a good lesson. Not saying we will always be so hyper-aware of our bodies, I'm sure that diminishes with time but for now I guess I'm just taking those lessons in.
 
Top