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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

I had been suffering from depression following the death of my mother but something changed during the summer last year and I actually went completely the other way following some good things happening in my life and for the following 3/4 months felt incredible. I was massively engaged with life, trying new hobbies, socializing, reading and I couldn't wait to get out of bed in the morning and even just very simple things like taking a walk in nature gave me incredible joy. It did feel like I may have tipped over into being manic (I had no idea what this even was till I did some reading after). Things like music would connect on an incredibly deep level and often books provided the same reaction. tbh, I couldn't remember ever feeling happier in my life and I felt like I was on a very mild dose of MDMA every day. Drugs hadn't been a part of my life for a good 3 years prior to all this but during this period I was out at a gig and was offered a pill which I took and had a great night, I rolled again less than a week later and this is when my mood dipped and never recovered.

I spent the next 6 months in absolute hell suffering from suicidal thoughts, anxiety etc but have slowly climbed out of it. Cut out all drugs, alcohol, started exercising regularly and eating well. Things improved slightly each month in a nonlinear pattern but I was feeling a good bit better by around March. I decided to take a new job in a new city in the hope that getting out of my comfort zone would facilitate breaking my mind free from the routine and patterns that facilitate staying in the same frame of mind. This has also helped massively and I am now in a much better place. It is almost exactly one year since all this started.

I am not sure though at this point where to go from here. All anxiety/suicidal thoughts have completely gone and I function day to day on a pretty high level. My concentration is back to near normal. Some days I don't even register any of this but I think that is generally down to routine and just functioning on autopilot but when I catch enough space to give myself thinking time the fact something is wrong plays on mind but I have become good at ignoring it while life overall lacks a sense of happiness.. My range/depth of emotional feeling just hasn't returned to anywhere near normal and my interest in many things is still forced. I don't find the same kind of joy in reading/music two of my favorite things in life. I still do them but they don't touch my soul in the ways they would have in the past. It sometimes feels like going through the motions than actually enjoying them. Quite a lot of life actually feels like this. A sense of disconnection and lack of presence just living in the moment.

Do I just need to give it more time or should I think about an SSRI? Will this maybe do more harm than good? What about something like St. John's wort as a middle ground? I just feel lost as I always felt like I have been taking practical steps to keep improving but life is turning now into a bit of a grind where I can't see the corners being turned anymore. Thanks for any replies.
 
JamieMolly

It's great news that you've recovered dramatically so far, and that you've been a fighter through the whole process. I really don't see the need of antidepressants on this point if you're having such a steady progress, at least not at this point. Just consider the facts that everything you've went through is an experience and it will be a part of you. Also all this time questioning your mind will leave a pattern in your very own character. Our brains are not that good at reproducing accurate memories and feelings of the past. What you consider been in the past is often possibly very inaccurate. You've mentioned you've been depressed when your mom has passed, then you had your highs and now you have your lows again. I've noticed through the years that there's a lot of people here with exactly the same symptoms, but some recover and other struggle. What's different between them is that the one who improve faster are with the better outlook on their situation. It could be that their brain architecture is just better at coping with this? I don't know, but whatever process is happening in the brain. One important step is not to lose hope and believe. If you have negative attitude, I feel like your mind just surrenders to the situation. If you lose the hope you can join in https://discord.gg/uC5cPNc there's a thread called recovery stories, I keep them updating. That's the best positive reinforcement there.
 
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Thanks, for the response ZL. I have always tried to keep a positive outlook. I guess the one thing that I am really struggling with is the emotional dampening that I feel. It makes even simple things like having a conversation with someone often difficult. I was/am someone who is really interested in the world around him and in people whom I can relate and empathize deeply when listening to their stories. Conversations would flow naturally from my curiosity about them and the topics. While I draw from these past experiences and can hold conversations I feel more like an actor in a play often with me understanding what I should say and the kind of reaction that is needed without having that huge interest or proper emotional engagement that is guttural and someone living the moment. That extends to all areas of life and I just hoped with enough time that it would at some stage flow naturally again. A year is a long time to go without a proper range and depth of emotion.
 
One thing I have found very interesting from reading other people's stories is the presence of tinnitus. This has been an ever-present thing since the beginning of my episode and used to consume me at night but I've learned to live with it. In my research, the most interesting studies from my point of view around tinnitus focused on the role found to be played by the limbic system in generating the noise which is also the same area of the brain responsible for many of the related symptoms that people report from LTC.

They propose that the limbic system—a linked network of brain structures involved in emotion, behavior, and long-term memory—acts as a gatekeeper to keep the tinnitus signal from reaching the auditory cortex, the part of the brain that mediates our conscious perception of sounds
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Using functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI), the Georgetown researchers tested 22 volunteers, half of whom had been diagnosed with chronic tinnitus. They found that moderate hyperactivity was present in the primary and posterior auditory cortices of tinnitus patients, but that the nucleus accumbens exhibited the greatest degree of hyperactivity, specifically to sounds that were matched to frequencies lost in patients.

The nucleus accumbens is part of the corticostriatal circuit, which is involved in evaluation of reward, emotion, and aversiveness, says Rauschecker. "This suggests that the corticostriatal circuit is part of a general 'appraisal network' determining which sensations are important, and ultimately affecting how or whether those sensations are experienced," he says. "In this study, we provide evidence that these limbic structures, specifically the nucleus accumbens and the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, do indeed differ in the brains of individuals with tinnitus."
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It is a really interesting link because some studies have suggested that tinnitus is the result of the brain trying, but failing, to repair itself. The structures and interacting areas of the limbic system are involved in motivation, emotion, learning, and memory. Given the link between all of those things in the symptoms of LTC and the prevalence of tinnitus in the stories it is hard to ignore that this area may not be functioning correctly in people who experience these issues post MDMA use.
 
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Hi Everyone,

i did not expect I will be here one day writing this sad post , I have been in this forum since 2017 Jun reading all the horrific stories here thinking it will not happen to me.

i have been using MDMA / KETERMINE on a weekly / twice monthly basis since 2017 , i consume average about 3 pills ( e ) + 0.5 g of ketermine ( average every sessions ).
Prior to that I have stoped using any drugs for 12 years .

it was good at first where rewards outlay benefits , I do not have any comedown our only minor nightmare / depression for less than 3 days.

On 30 & 31 aug , I did the same routine , this time when I back I got hit with a 5 days depression , after which I recovered and did another 3 pills on 7 Sep 19. This time I did not consume any ketermine but took quite a lot of beer.

The hardest comedown hit me yesterday when I was trying to sleep and almost falling a sleep , my limps ( either arm or legs ) will shake for 1 second and I will be wide awake , this repeat till now which I have not slept for more than 36 hours.
I also feeling the depression now.
I would like to ask if anyone have this experience before and is this consider brain zaps ? the closest term I managed to google is HYPNIC JERK.

Lastly i would like to ask if benzo help relieve my issue and make me fall asleep ?


thanks in advance , cheers .
 
sorry if this is not the right place to post and its not consider an LTC yet but I would really appreciate any help .

thanks
 
@kt86

I think the first thing is to stop taking MDMA or any drugs so frequently. You're only giving yourself a week or two between doses for a few years in a row? That's not good HR man.

Now that that's said, lay off for a good while. Give yourself 3 months to see how you feel. You should start feeling better after a few days. Try to maximize your sleep, eat healthy foods (very important) like vegetables, lean meats and fruits. Stay away from processed and fast foods. Try to exercise for 30mins every day. All of this is posted throughout this thread. Just read back a few pages I gave a few suggested steps to getting better. Lastly, stop ruminating on how you feel.

Unfortunately I didn't have what you have, but I did have trouble falling and staying asleep for a little while. It went away though. Everyone responds differently to drugs so don't go looking for a 1:1 comparison, you might not find it. Stay hopeful man.
 
@rinzzlerr

thanks for your reply , I managed to get some benzos and it saved me.
Had a deep sleep of 17 hours and is now feeling much better.

Indeed everyone reacts differently ; none of my friends have comedowns as bad as me but they also did not enjoyed the roll as much as I do ;p
 
I'd like to share my situation for speculation regarding prior mental health.

I took 80mg during new years this year and I am currently 19 years old. I got all the major symptoms (hppd, severe anxiety and DR, tremors, tinnitus, digestion issues, HPPD symptoms for a couple of weeks (has anyone else gotten this?) and so on.

this was my first time taking MDMA and have, relatively speaking, very little experience with drugs. Probably drank alcohol 5 times in my whole life and took shrooms 5 months prior to new years.

During 2017 I was really doing a lot of things, top grades, working weekends and working out 4 times a week.

During 2018 I got problems with my sleep which eventually became depression which partially went away. No sadness but extreme laziness, apathy, memory- and concentrationissues during the whole of 2018 leading up to new years. I drank alcohol in august once and got decently drunk yet I felt no happiness/euphoria at all, it was as if I was sober without the shyness or balance.

Do you have any guesses on if and how my prior mental health issues are related to my LTC?
 
Is there a a compilation of recovered stories?
I'm currently 8 months in and still recovering but want to see how much better I realistically can become.
Compared to two months ago I feel like my sleep has improved a lot (used to wake up several times a night and see things/start dreaming before I fell asleep). My memory and concentration is also a bit sharper, I think it is at the level pre-mdma but not the level pre-depression I had before MDMA. My anxiety is I think gone 100% now but don't want to speak to soon.
 
FugTheFog said:
Hey fellas

Been lurking for a while, decided to make an account and introduce myself. Rolled back in 2015, noticed sluggish mental performance the next day, tried to level out with coffee and weed and went to hell instead. Talking intense anxiety, severe depression, bad short-term and long-term memory, huge difficulty concentrating, tinnitus, vision problems, the whole nine yards basically. Did blood testing, MRI, Doppler scans, nothing off base except h.pylori which I treated with antibiotics.

I didn't find the right info about this condition fast enough and did a ton of stupid shit as a result. Like doing meth for big projects at my job because I wouldn't have been able to complete them otherwise, not fixing my diet, continuing to smoke weed and drink to keep my social activity going to some extent, you get the picture. So it's been almost four years of this hell and I've barely made any progress. Tried supplements, namely Omega-3, B-complex, 5-HTP, l-tyrosine, l-theanine, SAM-E, q10, and ashwaganda. No major changes from any of them.

I'm at the end of the line. I keep reading reports from folks who seemingly have gotten over this condition, and it seems like that requires effort that I'm not capable of putting in. The reason I took MDMA in the first place was to try and alleviate the depression I had had since about 2009. My problem from day 1 was being unmotivated and undisciplined. Trying to find a way to fix that ended up making the original goal 100x harder. I've come off a year long weed binge in April and found this forum in June. Got sober since the beginning of June, my only vice being nicotine from vaping. Changed up my diet, cut out sugar, still working on dairy. I don't know if I'll make it. Hanging by a thread at my job, daily suicidal thoughts, and therapy is not a developed field where I live. This post took me half an hour to write, and I write for a living. If any of you have some advice, I would greatly appreciate that.
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I am in the exact same position. Had depression for about 3 months 2018 but laziness and bad concentration persisted throughout the whole year. Took 80mg of MDMA and hell broke lose. I am currently in uni and am also hanging by a thread. Did you used to be a high performing worker/individual? You could've burned out.
 
WillYouBeMyGF said:
Do you have any guesses on if and how my prior mental health issues are related to my LTC?
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Yeah man, if you have prior mental health issues then drugs will make them worse.

Many people have never had anxiety, depression, or mental health issues, yet after abusing drugs they develop them.
 
Hey so I did mdma for the first time the 16th of August and I felt fine afterwards. I wasn’t aware of how much you should take so the 20th I went out w my friends and took it again. Only a 100-150mg both times without re-dosing at all. I think I’m having a long term comedown from it because I’m having brain fogs, I think de-realization like I think my thoughts are behind and I can’t really keep up with convos. My memory sucks too and it’s been like 3 and a half weeks. Idk what to do at this point any insight will help. I got a brain scan and they said nothing was wrong w me and I even told them I have taken mdma and it’s the reason why I’m hurting. Also have some pressure on my head as well like a headache type.
 
Hey so I did mdma for the first time the 16th of August and I felt fine afterwards. I wasn’t aware of how much you should take so the 20th I went out w my friends and took it again. Only a 100-150mg both times without re-dosing at all. I think I’m having a long term comedown from it because I’m having brain fogs, I think de-realization like I think my thoughts are behind and I can’t really keep up with convos. My memory sucks too and it’s been like 3 and a half weeks. Idk what to do at this point any insight will help. I got a brain scan and they said nothing was wrong w me and I even told them I have taken mdma and it’s the reason why I’m hurting. Also have some pressure on my head as well like a headache type. Before I’ve never had anxiety or agitation and now it’s like it’s so horrible. I just hope this goes away :( I only did it twice and didn’t know it could fuck me up this bad I was just tryna have a fun time.
 
Ckraker said:
Hey everyone,

First post here. I joined because I'm looking for support for what I'm going through.

I took 140mg (not even close to my highest dose) of untested new MDMA 2 weeks ago. I took ALCAR, ALA, and Vit C as usual... But since then i've been having headaches, difficulty concentrating, impaired memory, discomfort watching television or reading very small writing, and a general uncomfortable spacey kind of feeling in my mind. It comes and goes in intensity, but is generally constant.

I've rolled dozens of times before... but it had been 6 months or so. Never experienced anything like this after-woulds though. I'm struggling to perform work tasks.... especially communicating (a key component of my day job... even writing this is a challenge).

I'm in my 30's, generally good health, although overweight and my diet definitely could be better. Roll was good... all loved up... could have been stronger.... in fact no problems until i watched porn much later on... the headache was sudden and instant after woulds... and the following day my skull actually hurt to touch. I had also just recovered from a cold, and then caught another cold just after this happened. Its been a fucked fortnight.... generally wiped out.

My cold has gone, but the symptoms I've mentioned earlier have remained, and if I'm honest, I'm quite scared and anxious I've done some long term damage here.... LTC?

I have bothered to do some research before posting this.... but there are soooo many pages on these support threads, and concentration is an issue for me at the moment. That said, it seems my best options for recovery are;

- mindfulness practice
- exercise
- improved diet - high veg/good fats, low sugar/carb (essentially paleo)?
- supplements - vit c - turmeric - omega 3 oils - 5htp
- patience, positivity and hope?

Does that sound about right? Anything to add?

How fucked am I here on a scale of 1/10?

Any thoughts or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
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Hey everyone,

I thought i'd touch base on my progress... in case it might be helpful for someone.

So, I'm like 11 weeks in now, and I'd like to let you all know I'm feeling much better. My weird pressure headaches and spaciness have all but gone, I can communicate and remember things again, and the problems with my vision have mostly alleviated. So, that's a relief.

I wouldnt say I'm back to normal, but its a big difference.

All that said, the last month has been total fucking hell. I entered into a state of extreme anxiety and overthinking. Not so much about the LTC itself, just about everything and anything. The tiniest of stimuli would hijack the worry mechanisms in my mind, and id find myself powerless to the obsessive thinking and worrying. I even had a full blown panic attack of sorts, complete with extreme chest pain and visits to emergency to check my heart (all was fine). The resulting tension headaches were intense.....

My theory is this adventure with MDMA has triggered off some sort of physiological brain response resulting in a physical anxiety condition. I have a gut feeling that it might have happened due to being in an intense state of anxiety prior to the event... but who knows? In any event, anxiety seemed to be a central theme for me. Cruel irony considering i was actually looking for relief in the first place....

I took on all the advice given to me here. All the nutrition and supplements, the lions mane, the sunlight and exercise (albeit light exercising is all i could manage at the point in my life), the mindfulness and stretching... I removed as many stressful stimuli as i could from my daily routine... stripped things down to the essentials...

Its all helped to endured this. But its been a really, really hard month. Anxiety is no joke. And its not over..... I've gotten a mental health care plan. I'm still working on all this.

Despite all this, I'm pleased to report, that at this stage, I'm feeling a lot better than I did.
 
I haven't posted in few years but thought would come back and post recovery is full with time. It is weird that it does triggers few rare cases like us into anxiety, depression, head fog, etc. It's like those long commercials advertising pharma listing the crappy side effects and we the ones who got them. Guess we were prone to it, this drug opened it up, but with time I'm 100 percent back/same as before the dosage I took. Anyways, positive thoughts, don't overwhelm yourself with guilt, you will all get better with time, cheers!
 
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And DM me if want questions on my recovery, scary back then I thought I messed my brain up, but it's temporary
 
MrBlue13 said:
And DM me if want questions on my recovery, scary back then I thought I messed my brain up, but it's temporary
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How long did it took you to fully recover?
I feel almost perfect every night but then I relapse every morning as soon as I wake up like if something was triggered on my brain the moment I wake up. Then the day goes on, Xanax alleviates most of my symptoms and at the end of the day I feel almost fully recovered.. it’s a never ending cycle with high hopes at the end of the day to wake up in this hell again every morning. Anybody has felt the same during their recovery?
 
@Ckraker thats good to hear! Keep on doing the good things and implement those habits, it will end. This has been said by many others but it seems that those who suffer from an “LTC” had anxiety before hand, or suffered from it in the past. I myself had extreme anxiety and stress before the incident. As in, literally the days leading up to the roll. And yes, the anxiety will consume your life, IF you let it. The best defense against anxiety is mindfulness and your inner dialogue. You have to learn how to calm yourself down and tell yourself positive things.

@MrBlue13 thank you for coming back to post, I’m sure a lot of people reading will be grateful and can have an optimistic outlook seeing as this does end for everyone, albeit at a very different rate.

This is another update from me, I’m doing fucking great. I’m grateful that I’ve been so lucky. I was at a festival this weekend, and I didn’t roll but I had a great time. Seeing my friends roll and dancing made me miss good ol M, but who knows if I feel like I want to roll in the future I just might. The only thing is, now that I suffered from a mild “LTC”, I’m afraid it will happen if I roll again. Any thoughts/suggestions from people who recovered and rolled again?
 
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