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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

Go Easy

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
48
Bummer about the old thread - ah well.

I haven't posted in ages but thought I may as well chime in now given the lack of content on the new thread.

In short, I'm a bit more than 2.5yrs in. As I'm sure you all would know, it has been a nightmare - one that for a long time I thought I'd just wake up from one day and vow to change my ways, but I long since gave up hope that there'd be a magical day that I just went back to normal.

The good news is, I'm definitely getting better with time. I have really good days where I think to myself that, if I felt like that every day, I could be satisfied with life. On the flip side, I have some really bad days - where conversation with friends is nigh on impossible because I have shocking verbal fluency and terrible information recall. I have to really concentrate to get the right words out - I can't trust my brain and often I'll be swapping the first letters of consecutive words or merging words together to speak total nonsense (I might be thinking of "small" and "little" and I'd say "smittle", for example).

I also find I have really big swings over 2 week periods. I might have 5-6 days of standard LTC, followed by 3-4 days of a plunge down, followed by 3-4 days of feeling better than I ever have during this ordeal. It's like my brain is going through construction cycles which is difficult whilst occurring but better when done. Weird.

I still have tinnitus and floaters but have learned to live with them and really are the least of my concerns.

Anyway, the general vibe I wanted to put out there is that I feel that recovery is absolutely possible as I do get a taste of it every now and again. The frustrating thing is that it feels like the recovery rate slows the further I go on. The first 3 months of the LTC I recovered a huge amount, these days 3 month time gaps are indistinguishable.

I did a big job on myself, 950mg or so, so if anyone should be prepared for the long haul, it is me. I try to stay off here as much as possible so apologies if you have any questions - I'll chime in again down the track when I have more recovery to document.

Keep fighting, everyone.
 

Tranced

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Mar 25, 2003
Messages
9,652
Location
Newcastle, UK
If anybody is confused by the thread start date/year, I've merged in an old post of mine so that I can merge older threads in here if necessary.
 

shouldvestayedhome

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 19, 2017
Messages
107
@Go Easy

I am right there with you man. I surprisingly have symptoms of a long term user although I only used the drug less around 4 times. Alot of the anguish is self created because I did/do have a mental illness prior to the most current use. I am just now accepting the fact that the use made my symptoms worse. Also, I suffer from of brain dysfunction you mention i.e. verbal fluency and recall.

I am only 15 months in but I think I will never be the same person I was prior to this event. I dont know if it is a good or bad thing whatever the case recovery is possible but everyone has different definitions of it and I am still finding mine.
 

ZeroLuck

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2017
Messages
349
Isn't there a way to tell if we're damaged? Scans, tests? Isn't there an answer what's damaged?

What the hell is the situation we're in guys? Really pissed.
 

shouldvestayedhome

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 19, 2017
Messages
107
@Zeroluck

I dont think there any type of scan or test we can do to measure any amount of damage that done. The only thing we can do is hope that one day we can be better.

I think we took a different form of MDMA and that changed the brain in a fundamental way how the brain works. But the real question is will it go back to normal after prolonged period of abstinence.

It's just terrible to think that a couple uses of this drug can change a person's life this dramatically.
 

Hilopsilo

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2016
Messages
572
Not sure if this is the right place to ask, but as someone who hasn't experienced LTC and doesn't know much about it, I'm quite interested in the level of MDMA use that caused the LTC, if other drugs were involved, onset of the LTC, pre-existing conditions, etc. Reading through the old thread it was always hard to tell whether someones LTC was caused by a single pill one night, or if it entailed longterm/excessive use.

If this place is purely for support and no probing questions, say so and I'll delete this!
 

ZeroLuck

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2017
Messages
349
I've been relapsing... I feel so spaced out... Like having Alzheimer right now. What the fuck :(

Maybe because I've stopped my healthy habits after I've felt fine... f*ck!
 
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Whateverittakes90

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 22, 2018
Messages
17
Took 1 and a half pressed pill for the first time. Untested but my friends had used multiple times from same dealer. Also drank while on it and smoked weed at the end which gave me a bad trip.

Slowly turning back around.
 

ZeroLuck

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2017
Messages
349
Not sure if this is the right place to ask, but as someone who hasn't experienced LTC and doesn't know much about it, I'm quite interested in the level of MDMA use that caused the LTC, if other drugs were involved, onset of the LTC, pre-existing conditions, etc. Reading through the old thread it was always hard to tell whether someones LTC was caused by a single pill one night, or if it entailed longterm/excessive use.

If this place is purely for support and no probing questions, say so and I'll delete this!
So, my first time I've tried MDMA was 0.7G, I was planning 0.17 + 0.7 redose, but felt so good that I've binged impulsively to 0.7g. Next days I've felt with horrible short-term memory, but didn't know about LTC and 10 days later I've took another 0.3g. This was my only use of MDMA and caused my symptoms that some of them last till nearly 2 years later.

I'm so angry that I can't find any information if that kind of dose is possible to cause irreversible damage and/or any answer at all about the topic. :( Feels horrible that NO one knows anything, like we're living in the stone age.
 

ZeroLuck

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2017
Messages
349
https://www.memorylosstest.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/stress-anxiet
y-cortisol.png

That's all my issues in one picture... so how the hell can I tell if the symptoms are from STRESS or MDMA damage??? I'm so pissed. :(

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effects_of_stress_on_memory

Another great link explaining my possible cognitive decline... I don't have any other symptoms. Just isn't it a coincidence I had them in the first 2-3 months after MDMA rightaway? Both Stress and MDMA fucks up the hippocampus. :/

Exercise can keep your brain sharp as you age. A new study has shown that a program of exercise can, over the course of a year, increase the size of yourhippocampus, a part of the brain key to memory and spatial navigation. Thehippocampus often shrinks in late adulthood, leading to memory impairment.Mar 7, 2011


In other words if I eliminate stress and do exercise after 5-6 months if my cognition doesn't come back then it's from the MDMA. F*CK.




 
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Brucey85

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 29, 2018
Messages
27
I was quite hopefull to begin with as I read stories of people saying 8 weeks, 3 months 6 months etc. Now I've past 9 months with no change and I'm reading posts from people who are over 2 years etc. I suppose I'm finally starting to realise this shits not going anywhere fast and I'm probably stuck with it. Im permanently fucked, but its just time to just get on with it
 

Needhelp123

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 25, 2018
Messages
136
I was quite hopefull to begin with as I read stories of people saying 8 weeks, 3 months 6 months etc. Now I've past 9 months with no change and I'm reading posts from people who are over 2 years etc. I suppose I'm finally starting to realise this shits not going anywhere fast and I'm probably stuck with it. Im permanently fucked, but its just time to just get on with it

What are your most bothersome symptoms?
 

ZeroLuck

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2017
Messages
349
I've just mentioned that my symptoms are only cognitive and they're indentical from symtoms caused of a lot of stress, anxiety and or depression.

So maybe mdma just gave me ptsd from worrying too much, causing no direct permanent harm.

Also with healthy lifestyle you can have normal and barrable life with its ups and downs as everyone else out there!
 

Needhelp123

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 25, 2018
Messages
136
I've just mentioned that my symptoms are only cognitive and they're indentical from symtoms caused of a lot of stress, anxiety and or depression.

So maybe mdma just gave me ptsd from worrying too much, causing no direct permanent harm.

Also with healthy lifestyle you can have normal and barrable life with its ups and downs as everyone else out there!
was talking to brucey, but glad you think there hasn’t been direct harm! I’m hoping for us all
 

Stupidk

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 16, 2018
Messages
17
I’m really scared that I am one day going to develop HPPD. I have very mild floaters (I only see them in certain lighting) they are not there all the time. If I look at a light I feel like that light stays in my eyes longer than it should. At night if I look around my room before bed I can see purple sparkles and I see visual noise. I do not have visual snow as my vision is fine, I just notice visual noise a little more depending on lighting. My vision is clear for the most part no grainy ness.... the floaters are what really scare me I’ve never had them before. It’s the only reminder of my one time MDMA use... 3 months in I feel like myself besides the constant worry about if my eyes are fucked up. Occasional anxiety. I can concentrate in school but then again the worry takes over my mind sometimes. I enjoy things and love going out on the weekends. I sometimes want to cry because of how shitty the last 3 months have been and how I’m afraid I’m not out of the woods yet. If anyone has ever had floaters from MDMA did they go away? Did you have them all the time or just depending on the lighting? Why do floaters form from mdma?
 

ZeroLuck

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2017
Messages
349
@Stupidk

Let me tell you this straight, everything is fine with you, that's all just developing obsession over minor things... don't read bs anymore, you're just feeding your OCD.
 

Brucey85

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 29, 2018
Messages
27
My symptoms are depression, insomnia, big eye floaters plus this weird dizzy light headed feeling almost like a kind of pressure in my head. Hard to explain, its like a chunk of my head is mising or like gettin off a spinning fairground ride. I had the light headed feeling many years ago after some pills but it went away after a couple of weeks or so. I'm not sure which one bothers me most, all of them are driving me nuts I guess.
 

district9

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 7, 2013
Messages
48
I'm going to a MICA facility. It's a rehab sort of clinic where they help you if your mind has been harmed by chemical abuse. MICA programs are substance abuse treatment centers. Hopefully they can assist me. They informed me they have helped people in my situation before and have helped them to successfully recover.

Wish me luck!
 
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