Good to hear shouldvestayedhome becuz you were so desparate
What do you still have like symptoms
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What do you still have like symptoms
Good to hear shouldvestayedhome becuz you were so desparate
What do you still have like symptoms
andman1326
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2021
- Messages
- 15
One of my orders, which contains seroquel, arrived today.
This is a standard <<snip>>
What was in this package
The seroquel, 100mg and 25mg tablets.
There's limits on what you can get, there is still a lot of medications available though.
Hopefully I don't have to take the seroquel much longer, insomnia seems to be the only real lingering symptom without the medication. As for dose I take 50-100mg and it works very well.
<<snip>>
This is a standard <<snip>>
What was in this package
The seroquel, 100mg and 25mg tablets.
There's limits on what you can get, there is still a lot of medications available though.
Hopefully I don't have to take the seroquel much longer, insomnia seems to be the only real lingering symptom without the medication. As for dose I take 50-100mg and it works very well.
<<snip>>
Last edited by a moderator:
andman1326
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2021
- Messages
- 15
I don't know why I'd post my herpes medication 
But... every drug I've ordered through them has been legit. I use Dutas (Dutasteride) and it wound the clock back on my hair to 18 years old. So any guys out there wondering... and it also apparently works on females.
Maybe not directly related to ltc but hell, if you can get things that improve your self-image, I think it's worth mentioning!
But... every drug I've ordered through them has been legit. I use Dutas (Dutasteride) and it wound the clock back on my hair to 18 years old. So any guys out there wondering... and it also apparently works on females.
Maybe not directly related to ltc but hell, if you can get things that improve your self-image, I think it's worth mentioning!
Needhelp123
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2018
- Messages
- 140
How often did you use valtrex?Back from vacation with the folks.
Things continue to improve in cycles ebbs and flows. Tinnitus continues to get milder and quieter. Sometimes it feels like I have a mild tinnitus in the middle of my brain. All symptoms continue to improve with time.
A little over 9 weeks in, hopefully I'm cleared by month 4-5.
I still take seroquel to fall asleep and get close to 8 hours. Weird thing is I don't get sleepy at all anymore during the day, so kinda positive good
Again, this whole thing completely made me rethink my entire life.
Off topic:
I've seen posts where people thought they had Multiple Sclerosis
If anyone on here actually gets diagnosed with MS or has been, you can take Zidovudine (AZT). It was the first FDA approved drug for HIV but works potently on EBV and KSHV both Gamma Herpes viruses and the likely cause (EBV) of multiple sclerosis.
You can get Zidovudine as a mono-therapy on a site like "safegenericpharmarcy" as Zidovir.
Other than posting my slightly milder ltc journey figured I'd post something to help a few that may run into MS.
It amazes me how some decisions can just "F" the fuck out of you, but they help you to reconsider things you otherwise hadn't.
Could antiretrovirals be treating EBV in MS? A case report
We present the case of an HIV-negative patient clinically diagnosed with relapsing-remitting MS who achieved significant disease improvement on Combiv…www.sciencedirect.com
Keep that in the back of your mind for yourself or a friend. A few of the topic experts know. It's not a conspiracy, industrial incentives prevent it from happening. I know because I came down with ME/CFS from a herpes virus infection 4 years ago and slowly got back to health with the help of Valacyclovir.
Needhelp how are you doing
Hello guys,
I've read several recovery stories here and I am very positive and happy to know some of you fully recovered and some of you are on the right path to recover. I wish best of luck for all of us here who knows this is a real struggle!
I know many are just reading and doesn't want or have the energy to post his symptoms, recovery stories or what worked for him to fully recover, but I want some help right now because I don't know what is happening.
I took an supposed mdma pill (not tested) about 6 months ago. I smoked a lot of weed and drink alchool. I didn't knew if it was cut with something else or how much to take, it was a stupid decision right then. ( I want to mention that I didn't take any drugs before that, just smoked weed from time to time on rare occasions ).
I was extremely social and happy for about 10-15 minutes but after that my heart was racing so fast, I couldn't breath properly (so I took big air breaths for about 1-2 hours) and I almost lost my minds on it. I though that I will pass out or even die but I tried to keep myself calm, drink water and relax.
After 8 hours I could "sleep" for a little bit and then my jaw was shaking so badly for some time and I was so depressed and scared to do anything. I couldn't even sleep because I was afraid anything could happened and no one could take proper care of me. After staying up and just walking like a zombie to keep myself calm and alert, I could sleep that night for several hours and it was a really good nap to be honest. I showered, eat and it was pretty good. I wasn't anyway in a good mental health but I though that it will take some time to heal.
Thing is that the next night I went to sleep and after 2 hours I woke up with a racing heart again and I though that I will die again because I couldn't stay up on my feets, I was very dizzy and couldn't speak. I went into the ER, they did some tests and said that I have some virus in my body and I should not be concerned so much because my body is fighting with it. I puked all night and after that I went home. I slept for like 2 whole days without eating or drinking much water and after that I could say that I was kinda recovered. I could finally talk, walk, eat, drink and carry on with my life but I was in a very weird mood and I had the urge to smoke weed or take any possible drug.
Those symptoms were for about 2 weeks and I knew I was in the withdrawal phase so I just tried to resist so much to this urge with watching movies, speaking with friends, eating, playing games, etc. Anything that could distract me from this.
For the next 1.5 months I was just in a little bit of a depressed phase (nothing to much or serious) but it was something visible there. I can't say I had any other symptoms then, just a little depressed phase and a weird mood like I knew something is off and I'm not like before taking that pill in that night.
Something weird happened in one night. I was just chilling and trying to focus on a project and I felt that my feets and hands are very cold. I plugged in an electric heater and went straight up in bed with some blankets over me. Over 1 hour I was really really cold and I couldn't even feel the heat from the electric heater with my hands which was extremely weird and then my heart was racing again. I really think it was not a pannick attack or anything like that because I was very calm, I didn't thinked that I would die or anything like that and my breaths were normal. That episode was for about 1 hour and then I felt kinda normal. And this is where my journey begins..
For about 1 month I experienced all the symptoms you guys are relating here. I dreamed so much and weird, woke up and felt very dizzy and like my vision was spinning, very fatigue and I was barely eating. I always felt something bitter in my mouth and I couldn't focus on anything. I had brain fog very very bad. I couldn't leave my house for about one week.
After that, everytime I was waking up I immediately left my house and went on a walking for 2-3 hours everyday and tried to calm down myself. I felt like I was living in a dream, coudln't think about my future, everything was so bad and I just wanted to go away.
So after a month of living with all weird symptoms I did some blood test which came up fine. I went home and tried to eat better and sleep better and I felt like I was getting back to normal because I was left with only hard depression ( thinking of life, thinking that nothing is real, thinking that everything we do is in vain because we all die, etc ). I was so depressed and I was only thinking that I need to struggle with this the rest of my life because I will not get better! I googled my symptoms and everytime I though that I have brain damage, ruined my life and I can't do anything about it because the healthy lifestyle doesn't work, the blood tests are fine so only my brain is fried.
But I promise you, you'll get better as I did! This depression calmed down a little bit, day by day by itself. Eating better, sleeping, walking and just doing this you enjoy. I know it's very hard but you need to focus on things you did before all this happened.
Then, I though that I was on the recovery path and everything will be fine in a few weeks or maybe months but I started to have this feeling that my arms are very light and I didn't even felt them. I was playing and I couldn't do anything with my mouse cause I had this feeling of very light hands and then my entire body felt very very weird. I though that this is another response given by my brain and maybe I did something wrong the whole time.
Now, everything was worse. I couldn't sleep for 2 days ( insomnia ), I had depression and depersonalization and everything you could imagine for about a whole month (even earworms with stupid songs). I didn't take anything, just tried my best to keep in a positive mindset the whole time but it was just the worst period of this LTC.
It all went back to normal and today I can sleep almost normally, still having some pretty scary vivid dreams but at least I can sleep for 7-8 hours for almost 2 days.
I want to ask you guys if you have this light body feeling the whole day or it's just me. And if you took anti-depressive or benzos and felt any better. I went to a psyc these days and said that maybe it's from my anxiety this feeling and prescribed me some meds but I'm pretty much scared that those would make those symptoms way way worse. I know it's a 50/50 bet because some people get better, some get worse, some doesn't even get affected from them. I wouldn't take them more than 3-4 weeks because of the withdrawals symptoms and in a low dosage but I'm still a little bit afraid because those can knock you up and make you fatigue which I already am and not feeling so good my hands at all.
Did anyone experienced this? I was only reading that you guys are waiting on the natural way to heal and taking just some supplements which I tried in the past month but I can't say I saw some benefits at all. I know there's no magic pill but at least I want to know what should I do.
See another psyc? Or get some specific blood tests? Because I don't see anyone here having this hands issues like me.
Take care guys!
I've read several recovery stories here and I am very positive and happy to know some of you fully recovered and some of you are on the right path to recover. I wish best of luck for all of us here who knows this is a real struggle!
I know many are just reading and doesn't want or have the energy to post his symptoms, recovery stories or what worked for him to fully recover, but I want some help right now because I don't know what is happening.
I took an supposed mdma pill (not tested) about 6 months ago. I smoked a lot of weed and drink alchool. I didn't knew if it was cut with something else or how much to take, it was a stupid decision right then. ( I want to mention that I didn't take any drugs before that, just smoked weed from time to time on rare occasions ).
I was extremely social and happy for about 10-15 minutes but after that my heart was racing so fast, I couldn't breath properly (so I took big air breaths for about 1-2 hours) and I almost lost my minds on it. I though that I will pass out or even die but I tried to keep myself calm, drink water and relax.
After 8 hours I could "sleep" for a little bit and then my jaw was shaking so badly for some time and I was so depressed and scared to do anything. I couldn't even sleep because I was afraid anything could happened and no one could take proper care of me. After staying up and just walking like a zombie to keep myself calm and alert, I could sleep that night for several hours and it was a really good nap to be honest. I showered, eat and it was pretty good. I wasn't anyway in a good mental health but I though that it will take some time to heal.
Thing is that the next night I went to sleep and after 2 hours I woke up with a racing heart again and I though that I will die again because I couldn't stay up on my feets, I was very dizzy and couldn't speak. I went into the ER, they did some tests and said that I have some virus in my body and I should not be concerned so much because my body is fighting with it. I puked all night and after that I went home. I slept for like 2 whole days without eating or drinking much water and after that I could say that I was kinda recovered. I could finally talk, walk, eat, drink and carry on with my life but I was in a very weird mood and I had the urge to smoke weed or take any possible drug.
Those symptoms were for about 2 weeks and I knew I was in the withdrawal phase so I just tried to resist so much to this urge with watching movies, speaking with friends, eating, playing games, etc. Anything that could distract me from this.
For the next 1.5 months I was just in a little bit of a depressed phase (nothing to much or serious) but it was something visible there. I can't say I had any other symptoms then, just a little depressed phase and a weird mood like I knew something is off and I'm not like before taking that pill in that night.
Something weird happened in one night. I was just chilling and trying to focus on a project and I felt that my feets and hands are very cold. I plugged in an electric heater and went straight up in bed with some blankets over me. Over 1 hour I was really really cold and I couldn't even feel the heat from the electric heater with my hands which was extremely weird and then my heart was racing again. I really think it was not a pannick attack or anything like that because I was very calm, I didn't thinked that I would die or anything like that and my breaths were normal. That episode was for about 1 hour and then I felt kinda normal. And this is where my journey begins..
For about 1 month I experienced all the symptoms you guys are relating here. I dreamed so much and weird, woke up and felt very dizzy and like my vision was spinning, very fatigue and I was barely eating. I always felt something bitter in my mouth and I couldn't focus on anything. I had brain fog very very bad. I couldn't leave my house for about one week.
After that, everytime I was waking up I immediately left my house and went on a walking for 2-3 hours everyday and tried to calm down myself. I felt like I was living in a dream, coudln't think about my future, everything was so bad and I just wanted to go away.
So after a month of living with all weird symptoms I did some blood test which came up fine. I went home and tried to eat better and sleep better and I felt like I was getting back to normal because I was left with only hard depression ( thinking of life, thinking that nothing is real, thinking that everything we do is in vain because we all die, etc ). I was so depressed and I was only thinking that I need to struggle with this the rest of my life because I will not get better! I googled my symptoms and everytime I though that I have brain damage, ruined my life and I can't do anything about it because the healthy lifestyle doesn't work, the blood tests are fine so only my brain is fried.
But I promise you, you'll get better as I did! This depression calmed down a little bit, day by day by itself. Eating better, sleeping, walking and just doing this you enjoy. I know it's very hard but you need to focus on things you did before all this happened.
Then, I though that I was on the recovery path and everything will be fine in a few weeks or maybe months but I started to have this feeling that my arms are very light and I didn't even felt them. I was playing and I couldn't do anything with my mouse cause I had this feeling of very light hands and then my entire body felt very very weird. I though that this is another response given by my brain and maybe I did something wrong the whole time.
Now, everything was worse. I couldn't sleep for 2 days ( insomnia ), I had depression and depersonalization and everything you could imagine for about a whole month (even earworms with stupid songs). I didn't take anything, just tried my best to keep in a positive mindset the whole time but it was just the worst period of this LTC.
It all went back to normal and today I can sleep almost normally, still having some pretty scary vivid dreams but at least I can sleep for 7-8 hours for almost 2 days.
I want to ask you guys if you have this light body feeling the whole day or it's just me. And if you took anti-depressive or benzos and felt any better. I went to a psyc these days and said that maybe it's from my anxiety this feeling and prescribed me some meds but I'm pretty much scared that those would make those symptoms way way worse. I know it's a 50/50 bet because some people get better, some get worse, some doesn't even get affected from them. I wouldn't take them more than 3-4 weeks because of the withdrawals symptoms and in a low dosage but I'm still a little bit afraid because those can knock you up and make you fatigue which I already am and not feeling so good my hands at all.
Did anyone experienced this? I was only reading that you guys are waiting on the natural way to heal and taking just some supplements which I tried in the past month but I can't say I saw some benefits at all. I know there's no magic pill but at least I want to know what should I do.
See another psyc? Or get some specific blood tests? Because I don't see anyone here having this hands issues like me.
Take care guys!
SaintSoleil
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2021
- Messages
- 6
Hey man, sorry to hear what you're going through.
Supplement doesnt work for me as well. I had all the symptoms you described during my LTC, except DRDP, so I dont know how to deal with DRDP. But as for other symptoms you can try seeing another psyc if you feel the need. I consulted with 2 psyc as well. But I don't think you should do anymore tests, because it is super likely that all the test results will come out fine. (it was like this more me) And that will only add to your anxiety/stress/frustration. A lot of people who actually healed, I am one of them, agreed that LTC is mainly your stress & anxiety. Stress is extremely detrimental to the brain and can cause all kinds of crazy stuff to happen. I used to blame everything all the headaches and insomnia on MDMA until one day I accepted that it was my anxiety, so I learned to managed it and eventually successfully got off the anxiety train I started to recover. However, the path to recovery is nowhere near linear, it goes in circle but the good days will slowly last longer.
My best advice is to try your best to chill (Its brutal and difficult i know), relax and stay healthy. Try to do some exercise (cardio) daily, eat healthy and sleep (if you need to take sleeping pill then do it, i was on sleeping med for 3 months until my sleeping pattern returned). And let your body do its part, time will heal you I promise you this.
Hey man,
Thank you for taking time and write back! I really appreciate your support.
My DPDR is almost gone, time and healthy lifestyle really helps.
I went from a big stress factor to somewhere chill where I could stay and eat more better and that really helps over time, if I would compare how I was 3 weeks ago.
This psyc prescribed me 3 meds but I’m taking only one because I’m pretty good with sleep right now and tbh I don’t wanna touch benzos, only in extreme cases. I took yesterday an antidepressive pill and I was so relaxed and pretty happy for the first time in last several months, but I wasn’t like real healed with them ( so take care guys ). Anyway, it was the first day and I need to take them the whole month.
I’ trying like the rest of us eating better, no sugar, meditation, brain exercises, etc. I know it’s a long process but I really hope one day I’ll be back to normal or even better and live the real life.
Btw, you said you had the same symptoms as me. Did you had this weird “ numb “ or weak feeing in your hands? I still have the same force on them, they are not weak or something like that in that way but I feel them very light and at some point maybe numb like they are weird. That feeling extend in my whole body and I can’t really do any cardio because it makes my symptoms worse. Like if I would try to do something I would end up back in my bed and just lay there the whole day.
SaintSoleil
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2021
- Messages
- 6
Hey man!
yeah I was on several SSRIs during the early months of my LTC, for my case I didn't help me as a matter of fact it made my condition worse. (However, I have read many positive results from members of the thread) So I followed what a lot of people here did, stay offline and live healthy. But I did not went cold turkey, I still drank soda and smoked cig, I only made sure I had balanced diet and exercise (30 mins of jogging daily).
Yes I had this weird feeling in my left arm-hand as well, I wouldn't call it numb, more like weak feeling, it's difficult to explain like somehow my muscles shrink. It lasted weeks and it went away. I strongly believe it was stress and anxiety. I used to blame everything on LTC! lol . During my second and third months I started having really bad headache that lasted for months. I also developed hearing sensitivity and every high pitch sound hurt my ears. I later found out this was because I was so stressed out that when I was sleeping, I was clenching my teeth so hard that caused my tension headache and earache.
Try to live a normal life! find something to distract yourself and stop symptom-checking, I understand it's brutal, you'd feel damaged and it seems like it will never end, but once again I can promise you without a doubt you will recover ! If you need to talk feel free to DM me !
Take care !
MDMA RECOVERY GUIDE
I've decided to write a recovery guide after reading all stories from this forum, reddit, etc. I've been there, reading every time what to do, what to take, who to ask for help just to get better. I've been searching for the "magic pill" to be better, for a certain disease to be discovered from my blood tests, anything that could help, and the most important part: PROVE ME THAT I DON'T HAVE PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE.
I've been there, searching any symptoms that would appear, every article about MDMA inducing brain damage, worrying about the fact that I would not be back to "normal" again, back to myself before that day I took a pill just to have fun and enjoy the life for a few moments.
I know that you struggle so much but please, acknowledge RIGHT NOW that you will get better with time, and please take my advice and promise me this would be the last post you will ever read about MDMA and you'll not search for any symptom or something related.
My first thought was to create a 1-month journey to keep track of how I feel after trying what I will list down below but I know that maybe for some it will work faster, for some it will work slower, what is certain is that YOU need to take ACTION and do exactly what I say. Also, I think it's time for myself to stop reading and searching for anything related and I'll tell you why.
MY SYMPTOMS
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Depersonalization
- Insomnia
- Vivid dreams
- Earworms
- Fatigue
- Brain Fog
- Short and long term memory problems
- Dizziness
- A weak feeling in my hands (numbness or something)
MY STORY
I took one night a whole untested pill after drinking and smoking a lot. I almost went to an ER but I've tried to calm myself. I was in a bad situation for almost 48h and when I tried to sleep I had another episode and went to the ER. My blood test said that I have something in my body and it tries to fight with it ( I never said what I took ) and after many tests they let me go home. The first 2 days I've just dreamed, not eating or drinking almost anything. Then 2 weeks were like hell for me because the withdrawal was SO bad that I needed to lock myself up so I knew I would not get anything from anyone. For almost 1.5 months I was just depressed, emotionally numb but everything was fine, like I could sleep good and take care of my life ( at this point I thought that I just depleted my serotonin levels and they need to go back to normal ). One night I couldn't feel heat whatever I did (clothes, more blankets over me, electric heater, etc). My heart was racing so fast but I was calm and relaxed in some way so that was for sure not a pannick attack. Everything went fine after one hour and I felt all the heat in the room that I needed to open the windows because it was way too hot lol. From this day, my hell began.
My anxiety levels were so high that it caused GERD and I couldn't eat properly (nothing at all). I was feeling very weird, after some days I started to have some sleep problems ( I could get to the point to sleep but I couldn't wake up properly ). Very fatigue, I would just sit there for hours to wake up and do little to no work. Then it came to the point I would wake up and leave immediately from my house and just walk for long periods of time ( 4-5 hours, doing at least 12-15 km ). I was so dizzy, depressed and this is where a little depersonalization kicked in. This all started in December and in January (one month later) I went to do some general tests and all came back just fine. I was so obsessed to find something related to anything than my brain because I was afraid that I can't find a fast cure for my brain or even no cure because it's all permanent damaged. I was just thinking something like " Please, let's find I have some virus, disease, any problems with the organs, even something that needs a surgery!! Let's just find something and hope it's not related to my brain, to that pill. " It took me to the point that I would wish to have a surgery done and feel fine after that ( because maybe this is related with my stomach, liver, kidney, etc ) than find out I have absolutely nothing and I just need to keep suffering from those symptoms my entire life.
Then is when my depression kicked so hard that I could barely do something. Sleeping quality was the worst thing ever, I couldn't enjoy anything I would normally enjoy. Even if I was going for a walk or talking with a friend would mean absolutely zero to me. Nothing was helping to bring me just a little joy. All my future plans were ruined, I couldn't think where I would be in the next 5 years, I was just completely depressed and hopeless that I got suicidal thoughts. I never thought to do it, but it was in my mind. I just thought that there's no way to get back, to feel normal. My life is ruined, I can't change this as it's permanent. I can't enjoy simple things, not even being lazy and watching movies all day and sleep. The life quality was below zero and that ruined every day. I didn't know what I was waiting because day after day was exactly the same and maybe worse. But please, if you are reading this, JUST HOLD IT. It's a stupid thought and deep down in myself, I found the strength which all of us, these warrior who knows how it is to suffer from this (because I don't wish on my worst enemy to have one day like this and we have whole weeks, months or even years, so yeah, WE ARE WARRIORS) to hold back and keep trying to get BETTER. I couldn't think about anything, I had the worst brain fog ever and if back then I was thinking about what a wonderful life I would have in 5 years and what places I would visit, what foods I would eat, what movies and tv series I'm waiting to come out to watch, what girls I would spend time with and anything that would make me work for my dream, those didn't work because the depression was so hard I couldn't think on them and when I've remembered some of these thoughts..they meant nothing to me. But I was strong and I've tried every day to keep lying that I'm fine and happy and it's induced only by me and work with myself.
So for almost 1 month I thought I was on the recovery process finally because I could play games, watch movies, get out, listen to podcasts, read, etc. Not like before, very depressed but at least I was working with myself to DO something and I saw little improvements each day. But..I started slowly to feel imbalanced when I walk. I started to have a weird feeling, looking in front of my eyes and couldn't keep a fixed point and I would gone crazy. And one day I woke up so weak, I felt my hands so light and numb to a point I went again in the ER. All blood tests came fine and I couldn't understand why this is happening to me, because I've changed my mindset, I'm eating and everything it's okay with me, what could that substance possible do to me after so many months? I get I had all the symptoms listed after taking it and slowly being left only with a hard depression which I could try to fix it with some help. But now this? And I was at my worst. Insomnia kicked in (couldn't sleep for 2 days, and when I did..just for a few hours and very scary vivid dreams, weird and scary), the worst depression (suicidal thoughts again), the worst depersonalization ever (I had this before but it was something I could work with, now it was so awful to the point that it gave me another suicidal thoughts), anxiety (with GERD), extreme fatigue ( I couldn't do anything ), dizziness to the point I thought I would fall or pass out. It was the worst feeling ever, my worst period of time. If I could handle day by day 2 or 3 symptoms..now they were ALL together, creating new ones and stronger than before.
But that was the last month! That's why I want to tell you to KEEP FIGHTING because now I feel so much better and that's why I want to end this story in a positive way.
WHAT TO DO? WHEN I WILL GET RECOVERED?
The first thing to do is to acknowledge that you only have a depressive-anxiety disorder caused by a traumatic event (if you reacted badly) and the pill. THAT'S THE PROBLEM YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. That's the name for it. Now, please stop searching for anything else, stop searching for your symptoms. Anything you do is just to keep feeding your anxiety and depression more and more. I know how you feel, there's nothing worse than I felt and I can guarantee you that. You may have the same symptoms and same intensity, nothing higher than what I had.
It's time to stop worrying about yourself. If you want to do something in this way, just find the proper medical care. If you think it will comfort you, take any blood tests you need, brain scans, etc. It will only feed your anger that you don't find anything, lose your time and money, and feed your anxiety that if everything is fine, it MUST BE a permanent brain damage which is untreatable and unrecoverable (which is not true).
I was at my worst as I mentioned, but I took baby steps and I've started to feel better. My memory is improving, I can enjoy the life in some way, I can walk now, I can eat better, I'm not so emotionally numb like before. The sleep is so good lately and I stopped having vivid dreams! Those were all naturally (not taking any drugs). I've started recently to take an SSRI (anti-depressant like Cipralex) and I say that they make me sleepy, something like numb and I don't really care about my symptoms so much. They pretty much work but I don't plan to use them more than a month.
Now, what I exactly did and what I'm telling you to do after you've quit this crazy hunt for " omg, what do I have? is it permanent? how do I get better? " is this: WORK WITH YOURSELF TO IMPROVE.
Yeah, you heard it right. I know you're struggling there and you're like " but I'm already doing this! ", but in fact, even if you think you're fine, your brain is not. The brain is so stupid and not updated with these ages, because take this simple example: your brain releases the same amount of cortisol ( which gives you stress and can transform into anxiety and depression ) if you have a stupid deadline at work/college or if you are alone, at night in the jungle and you are seeing a lion next to you. So yeah, in fact, anytime you notice something is wrong with you, even if you are not really thinking there and don't care, your brain is full alert and it can intensify that thing. So, in conclusion, the best thing to do is WAIT! Time will heal you, but you can do some things to speed the process and get better for these reactions. Learn to control them and then be full recovered as you wish.
What I'm going to list is what I've seen in the successful recovery stories, what I've tried myself and what I've been reading and searching over and over again on the internet, articles, books, podcasts, etc.
HEALTHY LIFESTYLE
Cut anything bad from your life. Quit smoking anything, quit coffee, quit sodas, quit fast-food. Hope I don't need to mentions drugs, lol.
Do baby steps and try to eat more healthy. You don't need to start eating only vegetables and fruits daily on large amounts or start a body-builder meal plan. Just start little by little and change what you eat and when you eat! It's very important to have 3 meals a day and cut anything sugar-related.
Some people said that after they stopped masturbating they've seen some improvements in mood aswell. This was true even before you took anything, so yeah, it definitely helps.
Try to get quality sleep as much as you can. You need to sleep in average 8 hours to be fully functional, because the brain when you sleep can repair itself faster. That's why insomnia it's just holding us back. Try taking some sleep pills (valerian, melatonin, or something prescribed).
TRY TO ELIMINATE ALL THE STRESS FROM YOUR LIFE! By that I mean, start thinking what can stress you. Me personally from depression and because I couldn't really do anything beside staying in bed all time I moved out from town! I didn't took care of myself anymore, my entire apartment was a total mess, the space was so tiny, some things were broken and I couldn't really live anymore there. So I started to be stress-free when I moved out. Quit work if you think that is a stress! Your life is more important than a stupid job. Yeah, it brings money but maybe you can rely on some friends or family for some time. 1-2 months before you are better to handle stress again.
Start and think what causes stress in your life and CUT EVERYTHING.
Meditation (mindfulness) - at least 5/10 minutes a day. You can do it anywhere, there are many apps or tutorials on youtube. After you learn how to properly do a meditation, if you do it daily, you'll see with time the improvements.
Some examples:
Breath tutorials:
Supplements: Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamine B Complex, Magnesium, NAC, Lion's Mane, OMEGA 3, Zync, Selenium, Citicoline, L-Tyrosine , L-Theanine
Brain games - they can improve your skills and cognitive functions a little bit and some can improve your decision making and make you a little bit smarter. I'll link down below some articles where you can take for yourself some hobbies, games and activities.
Brain Exercises to Boost Memory | Everyday Health
Physical exercise is a crucial part of staying healthy, but exercising your brain is just as essential to help keep your mind sharp and prevent memory loss. Here are some great brain exercises for memory improvement.
www.everydayhealth.com
10 Proven Ways to Keep the Mind Sharp as You Age
Learn 10 brain-boosting activities for seniors. Simple activities can stimulate the brain and improve memory for you or your older loved one, studies show.
13 Games for Brain Injury Patients to Enhance Recovery | Flint Rehab
These games for brain injury patients offer fun ways to enhance your cognitive skills and speed up your recovery. Unlike normal cognitive exercises, brain games keep people more engaged, which means the skills you develop in the game are more likely to stick with you in other areas of your life...
www.flintrehab.com
9 Great Brain Training Websites and Games
Sudoku, crosswords, and online brain games and apps may improve your mental function. Explore the best ways to train your brain.
10 Best Brain Training Apps : Train your mind - Educational App Store
Here is a list of the best brain training apps and games that will challenge your working memory and improve your mental fitness.
www.educationalappstore.com
200 activities for brain injury survivors and their families!
COVID-19 stay at home neurological occupational therapy approved activities for brain injury survivors and their families.
www.krysalisconsultancy.co.uk
CARDIO - Have you heard about runner's high? It's a deeply relaxing state of euphoria, where your brain releases some chemicals and you feel pure joy and less anxiety. So yeah, better gen your jogging shoes and start running little by little. Or just start with some home exercises (plenty youtube videos and apps for your phone). When you feel ready, hit the gym!
Psychologist / Psychiatrist - They can actually help you understand that everything it's fine and make you feel better with their techniques and meds. Stop looking around for help, they are professionals who can actually help you.
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Let's sum it up. You don't have permanent brain damage and you'll never search for your symptoms again. You'll start with baby steps to be not normal and BETTER than before! Eliminate any stress you have, eat healthier, try to read and play some games to relax, socialize as much as you can, do things that can entertain you ( movies / tv-series / etc ), try some brain games, meditate, hit the gym and for sure try to seek for a psyc (professional help). As much for supplements, I've listed what I've seen people were taking. DO NOT TAKE THEM ALL. Personally, I've only with Magnesium and vitamin B Complex (it was also recommended by my psyc). Talk to a specialist what you can take. I see people saying 5-HTP also works, some say it doesn't. Some recommends CBD, some doesn't. Others says you should try NAC and Lion's Mane both in combination, other says they don't feel anything. Try to start with some multi-vitamins, B Complex and Magnesium. Nothing more, don't take 10-20 pills and every possible supplement because it can make it bad for your body than better. Also, don't rely too much on anti depressants, benzos, etc. Try to talk with your psyc about this. I only go with an anti depressant right now, I don't feel I need anything else because some meds can make you gain weight and some meds can give you a hard withdrawal.
I would have wanted to make this a 30-day journey just to keep you guys up with my progress and to see for myself how much I improve over time but I'll just try to start a journal, which I advise you as well (it can help with memory as well). What I know is that if I'm starting a journal, I would visit this forum every day and maybe I'll feed even you guys with anxiety that if I do X and Y it works for me, but for you, it doesn't or at least you don't see results as fast as me. That's why I didn't really said what I'm doing from all that list because YOU need to try everything and really try, not just give it a try and then quit. See what works for you and think what can! Buy some board games and play with your friends, listen to relaxing music, read books, start a new hobby, play chess on a daily basis, create a project by yourself and work on it!
Guys, believe me, you'll get better with time. You'll wake up one day 100% recovered and just laugh about this day. And yeah, I said laugh because myself I don't see this "LTC" a bad thing and actually a good thing because I've changed my lifestyle so much and not only I'm recovering but I'm also becoming a better version of myself and I don't think I would ever had the strength and the willpower to do this for myself.
TAKE CARE GUYS AND STAY STRONG!
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howlowhowlstheowl
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 18, 2017
- Messages
- 70
I can finally say I've improved too. My case has been quite extreme so yes it took a few years to even start seeing improvements, but where I am at now is that I can go out and about and people can't really tell anything is wrong from the outside. I was quite desperate at some point so hm, yeah, thought I'd drop by.
There are some things that will probably stay as permanent scars, but honestly, that's not even such a problem. It has taught me humility and sort of letting go of perfectionism. Life is much about learning to deal with these difficulties. Sometimes you're stuck in a dreadful job or toxic people, all of us will face some health issues, or family problems etc, difficulties of various nature. That's life. My vision probably won't return to normal but eh, what's a little grainy vision going to do, or slight tinnitus. I still have small involuntary movements but I can mostly hide it, it never really catches any attention. And the recovery is still going on.
I haven't kept up with the thread any longer. If there are still those going on that it's all just anxiety - no. Just. No.
Maybe for you. It's a spectrum and not a one universal experience we've had here and yeah an excessive trip can of course trigger anxiety stuff as well, no question about it. But for some of us there has been some neurological malfunctioning going on. This is some hope for those people. TIME. Sometimes a long ass fucking time.
Closing in on 4 years. NEVER again.
Wishing you all the best!
There are some things that will probably stay as permanent scars, but honestly, that's not even such a problem. It has taught me humility and sort of letting go of perfectionism. Life is much about learning to deal with these difficulties. Sometimes you're stuck in a dreadful job or toxic people, all of us will face some health issues, or family problems etc, difficulties of various nature. That's life. My vision probably won't return to normal but eh, what's a little grainy vision going to do, or slight tinnitus. I still have small involuntary movements but I can mostly hide it, it never really catches any attention. And the recovery is still going on.
I haven't kept up with the thread any longer. If there are still those going on that it's all just anxiety - no. Just. No.
Maybe for you. It's a spectrum and not a one universal experience we've had here and yeah an excessive trip can of course trigger anxiety stuff as well, no question about it. But for some of us there has been some neurological malfunctioning going on. This is some hope for those people. TIME. Sometimes a long ass fucking time.
Closing in on 4 years. NEVER again.
Wishing you all the best!
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Needhelp123
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2018
- Messages
- 140
Thanks for coming back! Can you describe what you had and what got better? Any vision issues get better?
Tell us what about you how much time you suffered and what subsided and whats still remain?
Hey guys,
Incoming wall of text, long time lurker first time poster here. I just wanted to come back to this forum to share my LTC recovery story. About 2/3 years ago I would obsessively trawl over this forum for stories of people suffering from LTC just to be reassured that:
a) I wasn't the only one suffering from LTC
b) People had been through something similar to what I had gone through and had fully recovered, in order to give myself hope that I would get better too
c) To learn how people who recovered recovered in order to help myself get better.
Unfortunately at the time there were few if any real recovery stories, which led me to the conclusion that I was permanently fucked and brain damaged for life. During my LTC I constantly thought of committing suicide. Since then however and especially over the past couple of months I've improved so substantially I can confidently say I'm well on my way to recovery and now I actually believe that I can not only fully recover but recover to 110% of what I was before. Of course this recovery process will take a lot of hard work but given the nightmare I've gone through the previous couple of years it's a process I'm happy to go through. This is my story along with some thoughts I have around the nature of depersonalisation/LTC.
My Story
Almost 4 years ago when I was 22/23 y.o. I moved out of home for the first time during my second last year of uni. My background is that I went to one of the top high schools and studied in one of the top courses in one of the top unis in Australia. After I moved out I tried drugs for the first time, just smoking weed once every few weeks. Around Sep 2017 I went to a festival with some friends and did MDMA. That experience was super fun, however after that I started noticing that I had some strange symptoms. When I took MDMA during the festival I had gurning (normal) and also rolling eyes, where it felt good to squeeze my eyes together and let them roll back into my head (I'm not sure whether this is normal). After the MDMA experience I would frequently feel the need to clench my jaw and grind my teeth everyday. Also, I started having head pressure and I felt that I needed to squeeze my eyes together or squeeze one side of my face to relieve that pressure. If you search up hemifacial spasm you can have a rough understanding of what I felt. At the time I thought those symptoms would subside in a few weeks at most, but it turned out I had residual symptoms for years after. After giving myself a 3 month break from MDMA, I did it again in Dec 2017. Then a week later, despite knowing I should probably give myself another 3 month break I did MDMA again around NYE. This experience was unenjoyable, I didn't feel much of a high. After this experience is when I started experiencing full blown LTC symptoms. About half a year later in June 2018 I did MDMA one last time. That time I felt pretty much nothing from doing MDMA only distorted visuals/senses. Every time I did MDMA I took 2 caps (about 160mg) and I'm reasonably sure what I took was pretty much pure MDMA.
Symptoms
Depersonalisation/Derealisation - This was the biggest thing for me. DP/DR has been described by other people as seeing reality from behind a glass panel, I don't think thats exactly what I experienced. The way I experienced DP/DR was that I felt extremely disconnected from reality and other people. I felt that I wasn't really in my body, and that I wasn't experiencing all my senses correctly. My vision was affected, and I felt that my surroundings weren't exactly real. Everything around me was blurry/out of focus and everything seemed slightly darker. I felt 'out of it' all the time. The closest analogy I can give to what I felt was imagine when you're normal you are part of your body. When you have DP/DR you're not quite part of your body but you're more a part of your head which is a part of your body. Fundamentally my perception of reality was just different. I find DP/DR extremely hard to describe and the better I'm getting the harder it is to describe.
Emotional Numbness - I couldn't feel any emotion at all. One of my close relatives could have died and I would've felt nothing.
Sensory Numbness - I felt disconnected from my body and as I result I felt my senses were muted and numb. Whilst hearing I felt like everything was far away and almost behind an invisible wall. My sense of touch was much muted and as a result I probably had higher pain tolerance.
Visual Disturbances - I felt like I couldn't see properly out of my right eye, and there was almost a diagonal line across my field of vision. Everything was darker and blurry.
Lack of Motivation - Normally when you're not motivated you still see the point of doing something, it's just that the effort required is too much at the moment or you can't be bothered. When I had LTC I didn't see the point of doing anything, and nothing really mattered.
Headaches/Head Pressure - I had extremely odd headaches/head pressure which I felt like don't fall into the standard medical categories of headaches (cluster, tension etc). My headaches felt like I had something pushing out from behind one eye, sometimes it would be my left eye other times it would be my right. I also felt like there was a diagonal slash in my head, imagine if your brain got cut diagonally top to bottom and someone tried to stick it back together but now the pieces are slightly disjointed that's kind of what I felt.
Gurning/Eye Face Spasms - As described before. The gurning continued for almost a year after I stopped MDMA (went away early/mid 2019). The eye/face spams I had still continue even now but have gotten substantially better and continue to get better.
Cognitive Dysfunction - There are several parts to this. Because of DP/DR I felt I was not within my body, as a result it was difficult to 'feel' if the decisions I were making were correct or not. It's almost as if your intuition has turned off. Normally 1 + 1 = 2 makes sense intuitively. When I had extreme DP/DR I knew 1 + 1 = 2 only because I remembered it, not because it intuitively made sense. Also my concentration/memory/awareness of things going around me was affected. Previously thinking would be clear. During LTC things seemed 'fuzzy'. I would try to remember things and be unable to. Previously if something happened around me or someone said something to me I would be able to remember it without actually trying. During LTC if I wanted to remember anything I would have to consciously tell myself to pay attention and remember that, and even then I would forget things 90% of the time. Also, I felt like my thoughts frequently got 'stuck', and I couldn't think through issues without encountering a mental block. This 'mental block' was also connected to my headache.
Extremely Poor Sleep Quality - I felt as if I was tired but not tired and could never sleep properly. When I slept I always felt I was felt semi awake, and I never had any dreams.
Extreme Fatigue - I was always tired no matter how much I slept or what I did or even if I didn't do anything that day.
Sexual Dysfunction - I had no morning wood, I couldn't get hard. (I'm a guy)
Tinnitus
Ear Pressure - I felt pressure in my right ear only like when you descend in a plane quickly and your ears havent popped.
Social Anxiety - I found it hard to connect with anybody around me and over time I almost became fearful of other people.
Brain Storm - Normally your brain is meant to be clear, but during my LTC experience I felt everything was 'fuzzy', almost as if there was a lightning storm inside my head. I believe this experience was described by Andrew Solomon in Noonday Demon which talks about depression and I found it quite apt.
Rumination - Ruminating on LTC symptoms.
This is a non-exhaustive list of the symptoms I had. With LTC my whole perception of reality changed, and I felt like personality-wise I was a completely different person. Also, in case you haven't noticed, a lot of the symptoms of LTC are actually very similar to depression. Also, I believe that a lot of these symptoms are very much related, e.g. cognitive dysfunction, lack of motivation, DP/DR, emotional numbness. Our brain's reward/motivation system works by doing something, getting a result, getting excited about the result then wanting to do whatever we did to get that result again. If you can't get excited about a result (emotion) you don't see the point of doing it therefore there is a lack of motivation. With DP/DR if you can't actually feel yourself making a decision and feel the results of what the decision will lead to its becomes hard to accurately judge whether the decision you're making is correct or not hence the cognitive dysfunction. I have a lot of personal theories behind what leads to these symptoms and how they are related and I discuss these later on.
Downward Spiral
After doing MDMA in Dec 2017 and getting LTC symptoms, I started becoming convinced I was brain damaged and that it was caused by MDMA. The eye/face spasms, jaw clenching, head pressure were similar to the physical sensations whilst on MDMA so wouldn't that make sense? After I took MDMA in Sep 2017 for the first time I started taking 5 HTP and St John's Wort in an effort to 'upregulate' my serotonin receptors so that the next time I rolled I would re-experience the full magic of taking MDMA. I knew how St John's Wort was hypothesised to be a MAOI and there was a possible risk of harmful interactions with MDMA such as causing serotonin syndrome. I stopped taking it about 1-2 weeks prior to my MDMA experiences in Dec 2019 to avoid this. However, after taking MDMA and getting LTC I started to get convinced that my symptoms were possibly related to the interaction of MDMA and St John's Wort/5 HTP. The much less potent roll I had a week later and the virtually flat roll in June 2018 convinced me that my serotonin receptors were damaged and reading literature and seeing photos of how serotonin axons become much less dense after doing MDMA (I think we've all seen that photo of serotonin axons in rats) made me absolutely sure this was an MDMA problem. In addition, because I rolled twice in one week between in Dec 2017 I thought I had fucked my brain, not giving my 'receptors' enough time to replenish. As a result and in order to 'fix' myself throughout most of 2018 and first half of 2019 I became a hypochondriac. I ordered 'dopamine boosters' such as acetylcholine supplements, more 'serotonin boosters' such as 5 HTP, vitamin supplements, ZMA supplements to increase testosterone (I thought I was low testosterone because of my sexual dysfunction) and sleep supplements. I turned to buying ketamine off the dark web (I started to have an inking that some of my symptoms were depression related, and I had read how ket was being used in clinical trials with good results along with it possibly increasing neurogenesis). Thinking my symptoms were possibly testosterone-related I went to my doctor to have a T test, which came back in the upper range of blood T levels for my age. Unconvinced I ordered DHT analogues off the dark web thinking they would improve my symptoms, they didn't. With the head pressure I experienced I went to the doctor and ordered a CT scan as I thought I had a brain tumor due to my headaches and head pressure, also negative. I tried meditation to hopefully be more 'present'. That also didn't work. Around September 2018 I had my first panic attack, unrelated to LTC/MDMA but related to my mental state at the time and I almost committed suicide. Then I started seeing a psychologist for depression, she taught me CBT techniques and common depressive thinking patterns and how to change them, that also didn't work. She told me to exercise, which I was doing very frequently (5 times a week basketball/gym) but I found it increasingly more difficult to exercise due to social anxiety/lack of motivation/lack of energy and also because it didn't help me with my LTC. During this entire time from beginning 2018 - end 2019 I spent a lot of time on this forum and reddit searching for people who recovered, I didn't really find anybody and any 'recovery stories' were unconvincing. I wanted to be fully recovered and not 70% or 80% functional. Many posts on this forum delved into the neurochemistry of LTC and taking XYZ experimental drug/supplement to help LTC which I honestly found inaccessible and not helpful. This whole experience made me convinced that I wouldn't get better. As someone who had previously prided myself on being 'smart' and now being unable to think and function in everyday life, combined with the indescribably painful experience of going through each day, and believing I had no prospect of getting better I constantly thought about suicide. For the second half of 2019 because of some nuances with the way I did my uni degree doing a lot of it part time whilst working I had the opportunity to go on exchange. I went thinking that a change of scenery might be helpful for me, and I quit my part time job. Unfortunately this was excruciating experience for me - I was half a world away from friends and family. My social anxiety from LTC made it super difficult to connect with others, and cognitive difficulties made it hard to even take care of myself in everyday life. It was such a lonely and painful experience and not at all what I hoped or expected. After coming back I decided to stay home, not find work or finish my degree and focus on recovering.
Upward Spiral
Late 2019 whilst I was on exchange I had a few interesting moments. One of them was lying in bed at night and listening to some songs I used to like back in high school. Whilst listening to those songs I started crying thinking about how I became such different person to who I once was and how my life turned out so far from what I had imagined back then. Another experience was trying magic mushrooms. I had read about how some unis were running clinical trials on mushrooms for depression. When I tried mushrooms I honestly hoped that I would have a life changing trip that would suddenly clear up my DP/DR symptoms and return me back to normality, I'm sad to say that didn't happen. My odd headaches and DP/DR symptoms remained even whilst under the influence but I gained some interesting ideas on how experiences when we're young and over time can accumulate and completely change the trajectory of one's life. After coming back to my home city I started to read more about DP/DR, depression, trauma, mental illness and think deeply about the circumstances in my life during the time my LTC started and also events/experiences in life going back all the way to primary school. Once upon a time when I was much younger I would've thought that I'd be the last person to have any kind of mental illness much less such a devastating one. I realised that around the beginning of my LTC I was extremely stressed out probably working/studying 70-80 hrs per week. My attitude towards work/study had somehow over time become less about enjoying it and doing it just to make money, and making money had almost become a do/die thing for me further increasing my stress. Once upon a time when I was in high school I loved being around people and having lots of friends, but there were certain things that happened and certain thinking patterns I had developed which caused me to repress my need to be around other people and the feeling that I wanted to socialise with others. Over time repressing these emotions caused me to feel distant with others and be unable to connect with others, and caused me social anxiety. I realised that over time I had lost that feeling of wanting to be around others and preferred to be alone. I did mushrooms a couple of times during this time (2020) and one mushroom experience stood out to me. I felt like my mind had been kind of 'rebooted' although I still felt DP/DR symptoms after. During that trip I questioned why do I have these headaches, and I realised that the headaches were caused by repressing my innate desire to connect with others. After that trip my headaches improved substantially. Over time I started to think about every aspect of my life which made me who I am today and starting realising which aspects of my life I needed to change because those thinking patterns/behaviours led to the circumstances in my life surrounding the times I did MDMA which led to my LTC.
The Current Thinking and Academic Literature Around DP/DR
So the current thinking around DP/DR is that it's an evolutionary mechanism from our caveman days designed to protect us in times of danger. When a caveman/animal encounters a stressful situation such as a potential predator the body produces cortisol which forces us into a flight/fight reaction. During that time, your breathing quickens, body becomes more tense, you become hypervigilant to potential danger around you, you stop being able to do higher order thinking and you become numb to pain/body sensations. After the danger passes, normally your stress response goes back to baseline. We've probably all read how DP/DR is a consequence of the stress response gone wrong, how either extended periods of stress causes our brains and bodies to be stuck in that flight/fight response OR a sudden trauma causes DP/DR because we're never able to fully come down from the flight/fight state. I believe just like many on this forum that this is correct. I've thought about it and I'm still not sure how MDMA triggers the LTC response but if I were to guess I would say that for a lot of people either:
a) There are stressful factors in your life that you're actually unaware of that have happened for a long time and MDMA pushed you over the edge causing your LTC. Or even possibly you're aware of this but don't realise there are other hidden stressful factors in your life. I think it's possible that if these factors are removed/addressed your LTC symptoms will subside.
b) There were traumatic circumstances in your life around the time for instance maybe a breakup which led to you taking MDMA because you wanted to escape that feeling causing LTC.
If you search up PTSD I think you'd be surprised to find out a lot of PTSD sufferers go through similar DP/DR experiences.
Also, I would like to add that emotional avoidance/repression was a huge factor for me which led me to feel DP/DR. I had started repressing the way I felt for so long I lost my ability to feel contributing to emotional numbness. I actually believe that emotional repression is actually a huge factor in a lot of mental illnesses such as depression and somewhere down the line maybe 50-100 years later researchers/mental health practitioners will address this.
My current life narrative around why MDMA caused me to develop LTC
Starting from my childhood, during primary school when I was 11-12 I was bullied. After that I went to high school, and I resolved to be friends with everyone and make my friends feel good so nobody else would have to go through what I experienced, even at the expense of self-deprecating jokes/being the class clown. However later on in HS, I developed a crush on a girl, and thought that girls were into bad boys (emotionally unavailable, alpha male), not guys like me who goofed around. After reading certain pick up artist blue pill/red pill books I thought I had to become this alpha male, be superior to others, repress my emotions, make a lot of money to be attractive to women, despite my gut feeling telling me I wasn't this kind of person and going against everything I had previously stood for. In addition, because of the environment I was brought up in (lower socioeconomic background) and the fact I lived far away from friends, grew up as an only child and my parents worked night shifts which essentially meant I was the only one at home after school, I was actually extremely lonely growing up. I told myself as a guy I shouldn't rely on others, to do everything myself and only count on myself, and repressed that need to connect with others. Over time going through uni whilst working I made money but felt an increasing distance from others. For years I felt my energy levels slowly dropping without realising why and that something was wrong with my life but I couldn't put a finger on why. Fast forward to 2017 I was working/studying 70-80+ hr weeks and investing a significant amount of money I saved up. Then I lost that money and developed attitudes towards work (I have to do extra to get promoted to make it back up, its a life or death situation) and this attitude was causing me stress. Then I did MDMA and developed LTC. 2018-2019 I believed that my LTC was a result of MDMA damaging my brain and also possibly stress from work. In 2020 I slowly came to realise that there was an additional factor - other people. Because of the toxic mindset I developed since high school, it became increasingly hard for me to connect with others and being around other people was stressful for me.
What you might be able to do to help you with your LTC
I can't speak for those of you who have abused MDMA (i.e every week for years) but I know that for possibly the majority of you you might be in a situation similar to myself and have LTC symptoms from doing MDMA only a few times, in which case brain damage is very unlikely and your issues are more likely mental illness related.
1. Seek help from a mental health professional. I know I haven't had good experiences with mental health practitioners, but not all psychologists are made equal. Some do it because its a stable job and aren't really passionate about what they do. Some have gone through mental illnesses themselves and that's why they practice. I think it might be good to find someone who specialises in DP/DR or trauma and to keep trying to find someone who you click with and is actually good.
2. Reframe your perspective on life. Throughout this whole ordeal I've had to change my entire perspective on life. I've had to examine every experience I've had since childhood, what thinking patterns and behaviours I learned from those experiences at that time, and how those thought patterns and behaviours led me to my life path. I've had to think about the good thought patterns and behaviours I developed and the bad ones, then think about how to change the bad ones to improve my life. This process took years for me and is still ongoing so don't expect a quick fix. This was huge for me and in a way I performed psychotherapy on myself.
3. Step back from stressors in life. Are you in a job you think you want to do but if you were really really honest with yourself you don't actually want to do it? Are you trapped within a relationship you don't want to be in? What's your family situation? Now after identifying the stressor, what can I do to change it?
4. The realisation that many people have gone through worse than you and still survived, recovered and thrived afterwards. I know it's probably difficult to imagine for you right now but people do recover from LTC. Then there are stories of where people have actual brain damage from an accident/illness and recover to lead a fulfilling life after. You can either think I'm stuck in this situation for life and I'll kill myself soon or you can think other people have recovered from LTC so it might be possible for me. Then you can start thinking of things you can do to recover. Then you can take baby steps forward.
5. Being ready to reset your life and having a growth mindset. People go through shit all the time in their lives, whether it be life changing illness, spouses dying, fired from their jobs when their family needs it most with a mortgage/debt/kids. I think people who fail to overcome these obstacles fail because they are stuck on a version of who they think they are. Taking an extreme example someone gets into a car accident and becomes a paraplegic. Some of these paraplegics might think I used to be able to use my legs, now I can't live without them. These are the people who fail to adapt and reset their life. Then there are others who think ok right now I can't use my legs, but is it possible to relearn how to walk with proper PT? If so let me try. Then some walk again and some don't. Then those who are still unable to talk think ok how can I relearn to live my life without using my legs? Then lastly the rare subset of people who thrive might say I've had this experience, how can I use this to my advantage? They might think let me use my experience to help others in a similar situation, and become a disability campaigner/researcher. This might be a bit of a contrived example but I believe it's extremely important to accept your situation right now, let go of the idealised vision of who you think you are and be ready to change. Throughout our whole lives we are learning, forgetting then relearning things and adapting to change.
In addition, with regards to exercise, if I could be really honest, whilst I was in the depths of LTC exercise did absolutely nothing for me. However, now that I'm starting to recover I've picked up yoga and I've found it to be quite beneficial. Yoga is helping me to reconnect with my body and regain my senses. Holding those difficult poses and transitions have helped me practice being more 'present' and focusing on breathwork has helped me with some of my anxiety symptoms. With anxiety and especially extended periods of anxiety your body becomes tense and your breathing patterns erratic. Yoga has helped me slowly restore my breathing patterns to their natural state and to relax the tension within the body. With psychedelics (mushrooms LSD) they have been useful for me but I'm still sitting on the fence as to whether I'd recommend them. On one hand there's an increasing body of research regarding its use in mental health problems, and personally I've found them to be useful in identifying the root cause of some of my thinking patterns/feelings. I've realised that a lot of the thinking patterns we develop at first require effort, then they become subconscious and form our intuition. Once you have an intuition or feeling you can make judgements on a subject without going through the original thinking pattern. This is a bit like riding a bike, without going through the steps we originally took to learn how to ride a bike. However over time if we have problem feelings/intuition oftentimes we forget or don't know how it started, and I've used psychedelics to understand where my feelings/intuition started. On the other hand, I'm hesitant to recommend psychedelics because its illegal, probably not well studied enough and may have unforeseen side effects on people with DP/DR/LTC. Also I've had a lot of dud experiences. Lastly, I think it goes without saying to stay well away from MDMA and other drugs, and also I don't think supplements are really necessary unless you're deficient in certain vitamins/minerals.
Last Comments
I honestly think that the vast majority of people who recover forget about this experience or choose to put it behind them and move forward in life, which is why previously there was a real lack of recovery stories although I am seeing more now. A lot don't come back to this forum to write their story because writing takes a lot of effort (this took me an entire day). As I'm recovering my mental state is improving so much that sometimes I can scarcely imagine that I was once suicidal, and I feel like a completely different person. Just like how it's impossible for someone who has never experienced LTC to understand what it feels like, its becoming harder and harder for me to describe what I felt and easier for me to put this experience behind me as I get better.
For those who are interested, there are quite a few good books which I found helped me, namely:
a) Lost Connections by Johann Hari
b) The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge
c) The Deepest Well by Nadine Harris
d) The neuroscientist who lost her mind by Barbara Lipska
For those who are looking at XYZ supplement or dopamine/serotonin booster or nootropic I think you're looking in the wrong place for a magic pill, I think LTC is mostly mental illness related and how the brain works is still so poorly understood that it's going to be a long time if ever till we discover a pharmaceutical cure. Also because imo LTC is experience/thought related, and experiences and thoughts are likely to be only imprinted in certain parts of the brain through our neural network, and the fact that no pill is ever going to be able to target a specific area of the brain in a specific way, that just adds to my belief that looking for pills and drugs won't help solve LTC.
In a perverse kind of way I believe that this experience has actually been beneficial for me and made me realise the importance of friends, family and relationships and the importance of mental fitness. I'll probably try to avoid this forum from now except maybe to check in every few weeks to answer any questions, until I'm fully recovered at which time I'll be looking to put this behind me. Hopefully this helps someone else.
Incoming wall of text, long time lurker first time poster here. I just wanted to come back to this forum to share my LTC recovery story. About 2/3 years ago I would obsessively trawl over this forum for stories of people suffering from LTC just to be reassured that:
a) I wasn't the only one suffering from LTC
b) People had been through something similar to what I had gone through and had fully recovered, in order to give myself hope that I would get better too
c) To learn how people who recovered recovered in order to help myself get better.
Unfortunately at the time there were few if any real recovery stories, which led me to the conclusion that I was permanently fucked and brain damaged for life. During my LTC I constantly thought of committing suicide. Since then however and especially over the past couple of months I've improved so substantially I can confidently say I'm well on my way to recovery and now I actually believe that I can not only fully recover but recover to 110% of what I was before. Of course this recovery process will take a lot of hard work but given the nightmare I've gone through the previous couple of years it's a process I'm happy to go through. This is my story along with some thoughts I have around the nature of depersonalisation/LTC.
My Story
Almost 4 years ago when I was 22/23 y.o. I moved out of home for the first time during my second last year of uni. My background is that I went to one of the top high schools and studied in one of the top courses in one of the top unis in Australia. After I moved out I tried drugs for the first time, just smoking weed once every few weeks. Around Sep 2017 I went to a festival with some friends and did MDMA. That experience was super fun, however after that I started noticing that I had some strange symptoms. When I took MDMA during the festival I had gurning (normal) and also rolling eyes, where it felt good to squeeze my eyes together and let them roll back into my head (I'm not sure whether this is normal). After the MDMA experience I would frequently feel the need to clench my jaw and grind my teeth everyday. Also, I started having head pressure and I felt that I needed to squeeze my eyes together or squeeze one side of my face to relieve that pressure. If you search up hemifacial spasm you can have a rough understanding of what I felt. At the time I thought those symptoms would subside in a few weeks at most, but it turned out I had residual symptoms for years after. After giving myself a 3 month break from MDMA, I did it again in Dec 2017. Then a week later, despite knowing I should probably give myself another 3 month break I did MDMA again around NYE. This experience was unenjoyable, I didn't feel much of a high. After this experience is when I started experiencing full blown LTC symptoms. About half a year later in June 2018 I did MDMA one last time. That time I felt pretty much nothing from doing MDMA only distorted visuals/senses. Every time I did MDMA I took 2 caps (about 160mg) and I'm reasonably sure what I took was pretty much pure MDMA.
Symptoms
Depersonalisation/Derealisation - This was the biggest thing for me. DP/DR has been described by other people as seeing reality from behind a glass panel, I don't think thats exactly what I experienced. The way I experienced DP/DR was that I felt extremely disconnected from reality and other people. I felt that I wasn't really in my body, and that I wasn't experiencing all my senses correctly. My vision was affected, and I felt that my surroundings weren't exactly real. Everything around me was blurry/out of focus and everything seemed slightly darker. I felt 'out of it' all the time. The closest analogy I can give to what I felt was imagine when you're normal you are part of your body. When you have DP/DR you're not quite part of your body but you're more a part of your head which is a part of your body. Fundamentally my perception of reality was just different. I find DP/DR extremely hard to describe and the better I'm getting the harder it is to describe.
Emotional Numbness - I couldn't feel any emotion at all. One of my close relatives could have died and I would've felt nothing.
Sensory Numbness - I felt disconnected from my body and as I result I felt my senses were muted and numb. Whilst hearing I felt like everything was far away and almost behind an invisible wall. My sense of touch was much muted and as a result I probably had higher pain tolerance.
Visual Disturbances - I felt like I couldn't see properly out of my right eye, and there was almost a diagonal line across my field of vision. Everything was darker and blurry.
Lack of Motivation - Normally when you're not motivated you still see the point of doing something, it's just that the effort required is too much at the moment or you can't be bothered. When I had LTC I didn't see the point of doing anything, and nothing really mattered.
Headaches/Head Pressure - I had extremely odd headaches/head pressure which I felt like don't fall into the standard medical categories of headaches (cluster, tension etc). My headaches felt like I had something pushing out from behind one eye, sometimes it would be my left eye other times it would be my right. I also felt like there was a diagonal slash in my head, imagine if your brain got cut diagonally top to bottom and someone tried to stick it back together but now the pieces are slightly disjointed that's kind of what I felt.
Gurning/Eye Face Spasms - As described before. The gurning continued for almost a year after I stopped MDMA (went away early/mid 2019). The eye/face spams I had still continue even now but have gotten substantially better and continue to get better.
Cognitive Dysfunction - There are several parts to this. Because of DP/DR I felt I was not within my body, as a result it was difficult to 'feel' if the decisions I were making were correct or not. It's almost as if your intuition has turned off. Normally 1 + 1 = 2 makes sense intuitively. When I had extreme DP/DR I knew 1 + 1 = 2 only because I remembered it, not because it intuitively made sense. Also my concentration/memory/awareness of things going around me was affected. Previously thinking would be clear. During LTC things seemed 'fuzzy'. I would try to remember things and be unable to. Previously if something happened around me or someone said something to me I would be able to remember it without actually trying. During LTC if I wanted to remember anything I would have to consciously tell myself to pay attention and remember that, and even then I would forget things 90% of the time. Also, I felt like my thoughts frequently got 'stuck', and I couldn't think through issues without encountering a mental block. This 'mental block' was also connected to my headache.
Extremely Poor Sleep Quality - I felt as if I was tired but not tired and could never sleep properly. When I slept I always felt I was felt semi awake, and I never had any dreams.
Extreme Fatigue - I was always tired no matter how much I slept or what I did or even if I didn't do anything that day.
Sexual Dysfunction - I had no morning wood, I couldn't get hard. (I'm a guy)
Tinnitus
Ear Pressure - I felt pressure in my right ear only like when you descend in a plane quickly and your ears havent popped.
Social Anxiety - I found it hard to connect with anybody around me and over time I almost became fearful of other people.
Brain Storm - Normally your brain is meant to be clear, but during my LTC experience I felt everything was 'fuzzy', almost as if there was a lightning storm inside my head. I believe this experience was described by Andrew Solomon in Noonday Demon which talks about depression and I found it quite apt.
Rumination - Ruminating on LTC symptoms.
This is a non-exhaustive list of the symptoms I had. With LTC my whole perception of reality changed, and I felt like personality-wise I was a completely different person. Also, in case you haven't noticed, a lot of the symptoms of LTC are actually very similar to depression. Also, I believe that a lot of these symptoms are very much related, e.g. cognitive dysfunction, lack of motivation, DP/DR, emotional numbness. Our brain's reward/motivation system works by doing something, getting a result, getting excited about the result then wanting to do whatever we did to get that result again. If you can't get excited about a result (emotion) you don't see the point of doing it therefore there is a lack of motivation. With DP/DR if you can't actually feel yourself making a decision and feel the results of what the decision will lead to its becomes hard to accurately judge whether the decision you're making is correct or not hence the cognitive dysfunction. I have a lot of personal theories behind what leads to these symptoms and how they are related and I discuss these later on.
Downward Spiral
After doing MDMA in Dec 2017 and getting LTC symptoms, I started becoming convinced I was brain damaged and that it was caused by MDMA. The eye/face spasms, jaw clenching, head pressure were similar to the physical sensations whilst on MDMA so wouldn't that make sense? After I took MDMA in Sep 2017 for the first time I started taking 5 HTP and St John's Wort in an effort to 'upregulate' my serotonin receptors so that the next time I rolled I would re-experience the full magic of taking MDMA. I knew how St John's Wort was hypothesised to be a MAOI and there was a possible risk of harmful interactions with MDMA such as causing serotonin syndrome. I stopped taking it about 1-2 weeks prior to my MDMA experiences in Dec 2019 to avoid this. However, after taking MDMA and getting LTC I started to get convinced that my symptoms were possibly related to the interaction of MDMA and St John's Wort/5 HTP. The much less potent roll I had a week later and the virtually flat roll in June 2018 convinced me that my serotonin receptors were damaged and reading literature and seeing photos of how serotonin axons become much less dense after doing MDMA (I think we've all seen that photo of serotonin axons in rats) made me absolutely sure this was an MDMA problem. In addition, because I rolled twice in one week between in Dec 2017 I thought I had fucked my brain, not giving my 'receptors' enough time to replenish. As a result and in order to 'fix' myself throughout most of 2018 and first half of 2019 I became a hypochondriac. I ordered 'dopamine boosters' such as acetylcholine supplements, more 'serotonin boosters' such as 5 HTP, vitamin supplements, ZMA supplements to increase testosterone (I thought I was low testosterone because of my sexual dysfunction) and sleep supplements. I turned to buying ketamine off the dark web (I started to have an inking that some of my symptoms were depression related, and I had read how ket was being used in clinical trials with good results along with it possibly increasing neurogenesis). Thinking my symptoms were possibly testosterone-related I went to my doctor to have a T test, which came back in the upper range of blood T levels for my age. Unconvinced I ordered DHT analogues off the dark web thinking they would improve my symptoms, they didn't. With the head pressure I experienced I went to the doctor and ordered a CT scan as I thought I had a brain tumor due to my headaches and head pressure, also negative. I tried meditation to hopefully be more 'present'. That also didn't work. Around September 2018 I had my first panic attack, unrelated to LTC/MDMA but related to my mental state at the time and I almost committed suicide. Then I started seeing a psychologist for depression, she taught me CBT techniques and common depressive thinking patterns and how to change them, that also didn't work. She told me to exercise, which I was doing very frequently (5 times a week basketball/gym) but I found it increasingly more difficult to exercise due to social anxiety/lack of motivation/lack of energy and also because it didn't help me with my LTC. During this entire time from beginning 2018 - end 2019 I spent a lot of time on this forum and reddit searching for people who recovered, I didn't really find anybody and any 'recovery stories' were unconvincing. I wanted to be fully recovered and not 70% or 80% functional. Many posts on this forum delved into the neurochemistry of LTC and taking XYZ experimental drug/supplement to help LTC which I honestly found inaccessible and not helpful. This whole experience made me convinced that I wouldn't get better. As someone who had previously prided myself on being 'smart' and now being unable to think and function in everyday life, combined with the indescribably painful experience of going through each day, and believing I had no prospect of getting better I constantly thought about suicide. For the second half of 2019 because of some nuances with the way I did my uni degree doing a lot of it part time whilst working I had the opportunity to go on exchange. I went thinking that a change of scenery might be helpful for me, and I quit my part time job. Unfortunately this was excruciating experience for me - I was half a world away from friends and family. My social anxiety from LTC made it super difficult to connect with others, and cognitive difficulties made it hard to even take care of myself in everyday life. It was such a lonely and painful experience and not at all what I hoped or expected. After coming back I decided to stay home, not find work or finish my degree and focus on recovering.
Upward Spiral
Late 2019 whilst I was on exchange I had a few interesting moments. One of them was lying in bed at night and listening to some songs I used to like back in high school. Whilst listening to those songs I started crying thinking about how I became such different person to who I once was and how my life turned out so far from what I had imagined back then. Another experience was trying magic mushrooms. I had read about how some unis were running clinical trials on mushrooms for depression. When I tried mushrooms I honestly hoped that I would have a life changing trip that would suddenly clear up my DP/DR symptoms and return me back to normality, I'm sad to say that didn't happen. My odd headaches and DP/DR symptoms remained even whilst under the influence but I gained some interesting ideas on how experiences when we're young and over time can accumulate and completely change the trajectory of one's life. After coming back to my home city I started to read more about DP/DR, depression, trauma, mental illness and think deeply about the circumstances in my life during the time my LTC started and also events/experiences in life going back all the way to primary school. Once upon a time when I was much younger I would've thought that I'd be the last person to have any kind of mental illness much less such a devastating one. I realised that around the beginning of my LTC I was extremely stressed out probably working/studying 70-80 hrs per week. My attitude towards work/study had somehow over time become less about enjoying it and doing it just to make money, and making money had almost become a do/die thing for me further increasing my stress. Once upon a time when I was in high school I loved being around people and having lots of friends, but there were certain things that happened and certain thinking patterns I had developed which caused me to repress my need to be around other people and the feeling that I wanted to socialise with others. Over time repressing these emotions caused me to feel distant with others and be unable to connect with others, and caused me social anxiety. I realised that over time I had lost that feeling of wanting to be around others and preferred to be alone. I did mushrooms a couple of times during this time (2020) and one mushroom experience stood out to me. I felt like my mind had been kind of 'rebooted' although I still felt DP/DR symptoms after. During that trip I questioned why do I have these headaches, and I realised that the headaches were caused by repressing my innate desire to connect with others. After that trip my headaches improved substantially. Over time I started to think about every aspect of my life which made me who I am today and starting realising which aspects of my life I needed to change because those thinking patterns/behaviours led to the circumstances in my life surrounding the times I did MDMA which led to my LTC.
The Current Thinking and Academic Literature Around DP/DR
So the current thinking around DP/DR is that it's an evolutionary mechanism from our caveman days designed to protect us in times of danger. When a caveman/animal encounters a stressful situation such as a potential predator the body produces cortisol which forces us into a flight/fight reaction. During that time, your breathing quickens, body becomes more tense, you become hypervigilant to potential danger around you, you stop being able to do higher order thinking and you become numb to pain/body sensations. After the danger passes, normally your stress response goes back to baseline. We've probably all read how DP/DR is a consequence of the stress response gone wrong, how either extended periods of stress causes our brains and bodies to be stuck in that flight/fight response OR a sudden trauma causes DP/DR because we're never able to fully come down from the flight/fight state. I believe just like many on this forum that this is correct. I've thought about it and I'm still not sure how MDMA triggers the LTC response but if I were to guess I would say that for a lot of people either:
a) There are stressful factors in your life that you're actually unaware of that have happened for a long time and MDMA pushed you over the edge causing your LTC. Or even possibly you're aware of this but don't realise there are other hidden stressful factors in your life. I think it's possible that if these factors are removed/addressed your LTC symptoms will subside.
b) There were traumatic circumstances in your life around the time for instance maybe a breakup which led to you taking MDMA because you wanted to escape that feeling causing LTC.
If you search up PTSD I think you'd be surprised to find out a lot of PTSD sufferers go through similar DP/DR experiences.
Also, I would like to add that emotional avoidance/repression was a huge factor for me which led me to feel DP/DR. I had started repressing the way I felt for so long I lost my ability to feel contributing to emotional numbness. I actually believe that emotional repression is actually a huge factor in a lot of mental illnesses such as depression and somewhere down the line maybe 50-100 years later researchers/mental health practitioners will address this.
My current life narrative around why MDMA caused me to develop LTC
Starting from my childhood, during primary school when I was 11-12 I was bullied. After that I went to high school, and I resolved to be friends with everyone and make my friends feel good so nobody else would have to go through what I experienced, even at the expense of self-deprecating jokes/being the class clown. However later on in HS, I developed a crush on a girl, and thought that girls were into bad boys (emotionally unavailable, alpha male), not guys like me who goofed around. After reading certain pick up artist blue pill/red pill books I thought I had to become this alpha male, be superior to others, repress my emotions, make a lot of money to be attractive to women, despite my gut feeling telling me I wasn't this kind of person and going against everything I had previously stood for. In addition, because of the environment I was brought up in (lower socioeconomic background) and the fact I lived far away from friends, grew up as an only child and my parents worked night shifts which essentially meant I was the only one at home after school, I was actually extremely lonely growing up. I told myself as a guy I shouldn't rely on others, to do everything myself and only count on myself, and repressed that need to connect with others. Over time going through uni whilst working I made money but felt an increasing distance from others. For years I felt my energy levels slowly dropping without realising why and that something was wrong with my life but I couldn't put a finger on why. Fast forward to 2017 I was working/studying 70-80+ hr weeks and investing a significant amount of money I saved up. Then I lost that money and developed attitudes towards work (I have to do extra to get promoted to make it back up, its a life or death situation) and this attitude was causing me stress. Then I did MDMA and developed LTC. 2018-2019 I believed that my LTC was a result of MDMA damaging my brain and also possibly stress from work. In 2020 I slowly came to realise that there was an additional factor - other people. Because of the toxic mindset I developed since high school, it became increasingly hard for me to connect with others and being around other people was stressful for me.
What you might be able to do to help you with your LTC
I can't speak for those of you who have abused MDMA (i.e every week for years) but I know that for possibly the majority of you you might be in a situation similar to myself and have LTC symptoms from doing MDMA only a few times, in which case brain damage is very unlikely and your issues are more likely mental illness related.
1. Seek help from a mental health professional. I know I haven't had good experiences with mental health practitioners, but not all psychologists are made equal. Some do it because its a stable job and aren't really passionate about what they do. Some have gone through mental illnesses themselves and that's why they practice. I think it might be good to find someone who specialises in DP/DR or trauma and to keep trying to find someone who you click with and is actually good.
2. Reframe your perspective on life. Throughout this whole ordeal I've had to change my entire perspective on life. I've had to examine every experience I've had since childhood, what thinking patterns and behaviours I learned from those experiences at that time, and how those thought patterns and behaviours led me to my life path. I've had to think about the good thought patterns and behaviours I developed and the bad ones, then think about how to change the bad ones to improve my life. This process took years for me and is still ongoing so don't expect a quick fix. This was huge for me and in a way I performed psychotherapy on myself.
3. Step back from stressors in life. Are you in a job you think you want to do but if you were really really honest with yourself you don't actually want to do it? Are you trapped within a relationship you don't want to be in? What's your family situation? Now after identifying the stressor, what can I do to change it?
4. The realisation that many people have gone through worse than you and still survived, recovered and thrived afterwards. I know it's probably difficult to imagine for you right now but people do recover from LTC. Then there are stories of where people have actual brain damage from an accident/illness and recover to lead a fulfilling life after. You can either think I'm stuck in this situation for life and I'll kill myself soon or you can think other people have recovered from LTC so it might be possible for me. Then you can start thinking of things you can do to recover. Then you can take baby steps forward.
5. Being ready to reset your life and having a growth mindset. People go through shit all the time in their lives, whether it be life changing illness, spouses dying, fired from their jobs when their family needs it most with a mortgage/debt/kids. I think people who fail to overcome these obstacles fail because they are stuck on a version of who they think they are. Taking an extreme example someone gets into a car accident and becomes a paraplegic. Some of these paraplegics might think I used to be able to use my legs, now I can't live without them. These are the people who fail to adapt and reset their life. Then there are others who think ok right now I can't use my legs, but is it possible to relearn how to walk with proper PT? If so let me try. Then some walk again and some don't. Then those who are still unable to talk think ok how can I relearn to live my life without using my legs? Then lastly the rare subset of people who thrive might say I've had this experience, how can I use this to my advantage? They might think let me use my experience to help others in a similar situation, and become a disability campaigner/researcher. This might be a bit of a contrived example but I believe it's extremely important to accept your situation right now, let go of the idealised vision of who you think you are and be ready to change. Throughout our whole lives we are learning, forgetting then relearning things and adapting to change.
In addition, with regards to exercise, if I could be really honest, whilst I was in the depths of LTC exercise did absolutely nothing for me. However, now that I'm starting to recover I've picked up yoga and I've found it to be quite beneficial. Yoga is helping me to reconnect with my body and regain my senses. Holding those difficult poses and transitions have helped me practice being more 'present' and focusing on breathwork has helped me with some of my anxiety symptoms. With anxiety and especially extended periods of anxiety your body becomes tense and your breathing patterns erratic. Yoga has helped me slowly restore my breathing patterns to their natural state and to relax the tension within the body. With psychedelics (mushrooms LSD) they have been useful for me but I'm still sitting on the fence as to whether I'd recommend them. On one hand there's an increasing body of research regarding its use in mental health problems, and personally I've found them to be useful in identifying the root cause of some of my thinking patterns/feelings. I've realised that a lot of the thinking patterns we develop at first require effort, then they become subconscious and form our intuition. Once you have an intuition or feeling you can make judgements on a subject without going through the original thinking pattern. This is a bit like riding a bike, without going through the steps we originally took to learn how to ride a bike. However over time if we have problem feelings/intuition oftentimes we forget or don't know how it started, and I've used psychedelics to understand where my feelings/intuition started. On the other hand, I'm hesitant to recommend psychedelics because its illegal, probably not well studied enough and may have unforeseen side effects on people with DP/DR/LTC. Also I've had a lot of dud experiences. Lastly, I think it goes without saying to stay well away from MDMA and other drugs, and also I don't think supplements are really necessary unless you're deficient in certain vitamins/minerals.
Last Comments
I honestly think that the vast majority of people who recover forget about this experience or choose to put it behind them and move forward in life, which is why previously there was a real lack of recovery stories although I am seeing more now. A lot don't come back to this forum to write their story because writing takes a lot of effort (this took me an entire day). As I'm recovering my mental state is improving so much that sometimes I can scarcely imagine that I was once suicidal, and I feel like a completely different person. Just like how it's impossible for someone who has never experienced LTC to understand what it feels like, its becoming harder and harder for me to describe what I felt and easier for me to put this experience behind me as I get better.
For those who are interested, there are quite a few good books which I found helped me, namely:
a) Lost Connections by Johann Hari
b) The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge
c) The Deepest Well by Nadine Harris
d) The neuroscientist who lost her mind by Barbara Lipska
For those who are looking at XYZ supplement or dopamine/serotonin booster or nootropic I think you're looking in the wrong place for a magic pill, I think LTC is mostly mental illness related and how the brain works is still so poorly understood that it's going to be a long time if ever till we discover a pharmaceutical cure. Also because imo LTC is experience/thought related, and experiences and thoughts are likely to be only imprinted in certain parts of the brain through our neural network, and the fact that no pill is ever going to be able to target a specific area of the brain in a specific way, that just adds to my belief that looking for pills and drugs won't help solve LTC.
In a perverse kind of way I believe that this experience has actually been beneficial for me and made me realise the importance of friends, family and relationships and the importance of mental fitness. I'll probably try to avoid this forum from now except maybe to check in every few weeks to answer any questions, until I'm fully recovered at which time I'll be looking to put this behind me. Hopefully this helps someone else.
moonstone210
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2021
- Messages
- 2
Hi all, here’s a very worry-filled introduction for me. I’m a 19F
In early February of this year, my friend and I each took 1.5 pills of ecstasy. It was so stupid, I was listening to her advice that it was a good dose and stupid me didn’t bother to check online. It was a fine trip but for the following 2 weeks I had extreme anxiety, light sensitivity and headaches, and insomnia where I would wake up every one on the dot, not getting a lot of sleep.
Then, the HPPD set in after trying Trazodone for the insomnia. I have every single visual snow symptom and they kick my ass: floaters, tracers, static, etc.
A few weeks after that, muscle twitching set in and shortly after I started feeling parasthesias and itching all over my body. The insomnia kind of went away, and now is back with a vengeance. The only things that have improved since all of this has started have been the headaches and light sensitivity.
In all, I have these symptoms:
-severe insomnia, fatigue
-HPPD
-muscle twitching
-itching/stinging/buzzing feelings
-anxiety, depression, anhedonia
-tinnitus, hyperacusis
-can’t focus, cognitive impairments
These all are draining me. I read stories of people not improving after months and months and I genuinely believe that I have damaged my brain, especially because of the sleep. I’ll sleep for 2 hours, then I’ll go through 30-min dream/wake periods. It’s not natural. My REM and other sleep patterns are clearly disrupted and destroyed. I’m so fatigued throughout the day because of it.
Not gonna lie, I wrote a suicide note the other day. I can’t believe I destroyed my health, my life with this. I feel awful
In early February of this year, my friend and I each took 1.5 pills of ecstasy. It was so stupid, I was listening to her advice that it was a good dose and stupid me didn’t bother to check online. It was a fine trip but for the following 2 weeks I had extreme anxiety, light sensitivity and headaches, and insomnia where I would wake up every one on the dot, not getting a lot of sleep.
Then, the HPPD set in after trying Trazodone for the insomnia. I have every single visual snow symptom and they kick my ass: floaters, tracers, static, etc.
A few weeks after that, muscle twitching set in and shortly after I started feeling parasthesias and itching all over my body. The insomnia kind of went away, and now is back with a vengeance. The only things that have improved since all of this has started have been the headaches and light sensitivity.
In all, I have these symptoms:
-severe insomnia, fatigue
-HPPD
-muscle twitching
-itching/stinging/buzzing feelings
-anxiety, depression, anhedonia
-tinnitus, hyperacusis
-can’t focus, cognitive impairments
These all are draining me. I read stories of people not improving after months and months and I genuinely believe that I have damaged my brain, especially because of the sleep. I’ll sleep for 2 hours, then I’ll go through 30-min dream/wake periods. It’s not natural. My REM and other sleep patterns are clearly disrupted and destroyed. I’m so fatigued throughout the day because of it.
Not gonna lie, I wrote a suicide note the other day. I can’t believe I destroyed my health, my life with this. I feel awful
We’ve al been there. It’s awful but you WILL improve. I had all that and worse and I’m now fully recovered ~9 months later. Don’t let the scary stories on here freak you out. It might take a while, but nearly everyone gets significantly better. If you want, we have a support chat group on Reddit where you can chat with other recovered folks and people in the same state as you. It’s really helpful early on to talk to others, ask questions, and reassure your mind that you’ll be OK. If you are interested send me a PM and I’ll get you invited.
Hey,
I get notifications on my email about new posts here and after I've read it I knew I need to respond immediately.
I want to assure you that YOU will get better. Don't get scared about the posts that you will never recover or it will be a slow recovery process. Go to a psyc and get something prescribed for your symptoms.
I had my worst 6 months of insomnia, nightmares, extreme fatigue, couldn't eat or leave the house. I could not even talk or watch a movie/play games. Even if I tried to sleep I just saw random images, very hard to "fall asleep" and only for 1-2h and the worst nightmares.
Now I'm for almost 2 weeks on an SSRI (anti-depressive med) and I thought that it will give me a worse state of mind after reading that you will get bad reactions, withdrawals after you quit it, etc..but I must say that every day I see an improvement and today I feel like 80% recovered.
Just go and take magnesium, an SSRI, and something for sleep from a local psyc and after 2-3 weeks you should see some improvements. Try to stay healthy, read my guide because it really helps. 2 weeks ago I couldn't even remember with who I was in high school or even what I did yesterday and now I feel like I remember everything. I can go outside again, I can play games and I even started to binge some movies and series.
I must say that I was not in the mood for any meditation or breath exercises but I will begin with that asap because they really help. I just took my meds, read a little bit, and did everything that I would enjoy. I try to ignore every negative thought I would have ( yesterday was a very rough and depressive day and that's how SSRI works, someday you will feel so happy and drugged, some days you will feel depressed, but eventually you'll see all the benefits in 2-3 weeks! ).
Please, don't even think about suicide. I was in the worst mental state for 5 entire months and it's awful, I know, it's like so shitty but you're only 19. I'm pretty close to your age as well and before taking that one pill I knew what my future would look like but on this LTC I just didn't know if tomorrow I would open my eyes, if I could enjoy just a few hours of sleep...I thought there's no happiness in tomorrow! But then I realized I'm so young and I have all my future in my hands and I will see that bright day very soon, my LTC will be gone and I will be so happy that I am good now and I can enjoy everything.
If you need someone to talk with, any advice, anything, any hour, please PM me. We can talk everywhere you want, I think it will help you talk with someone who went through this. I don't want anyone from here to take the suicide way because there's so much more in life, even if you are 50 and you feel like you lived yours. Don't take it that way because you will lose so much more. You don't even know it!
I was in that same way, just thinking that I need to end this somehow and that I permanently damaged my brain because I couldn't even think straight but now I feel so much better and it's only 2 weeks on meds and living so much better. I know that after I will end with my pills, doing exercises, meditation, yoga, etc, I will be 10x better than before taking the pill. The quarantine will end soon and we can do so much more outside. We can meet with our friends again in pubs or clubs. We can stay late nights in parks and just have a good time. I really think that the quarantine makes this LTC much harder because even if we feel a little bit good, it still sucks being home.
Everyone that really needs help, PM me. We can talk here or somewhere else. I'm online pretty much anytime.
Stay there! You will get over this and you will enjoy life much more. I feel that I find much more meaning in life right now and I can see with my own eyes and perspective something that I couldn't see before. I feel much more happy with myself right now.
moonstone210
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2021
- Messages
- 2
Thank you so much for the reply!!! So, you didn’t get any better before the SSRI is what I’m hearing ? I’m a little scared to take one bc of my HPPD, but I might need to
They helped me, I did got better. Not only from them, I pushed myself and worked with me to get better.
They might work or not for you, try different meds if you don’t see any results within 2-3 weeks. They will rise and lower your mood, for me yesterday was the 13 day on them and it was the worst. I thought that they made my symtoms worse but in the end, today, I felt amaizing for the first time. They need time to work and they can make your symtoms worse sometime but have patience.
If anyone needs to speak or ask something, feel free to PM me. I try to write as much as I can here and share my whole experience to help others. If anyone have some good questions, post them here.
If you need someone to talk or anything else, PM me.