MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 4)

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BlueBull

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This is the fourth version of the MDMA recovery thread. It serves the purpose of bringing together people who suffer from adverse effects after MDMA use to share stories and support each other. Remember that in case you feel really bad and you think there is a real issue, you should not only follow guidance offered on a forum. In cases where the things you're feeling last longer than is considered normal or you feel that there is something seriously wrong you should also consult a medical professional, be it for psychological guidance or physical problems. Seek out their opinion and follow their guidance first and foremost, certainly when it comes to things like medication

Here you will find personal experiences, which are valuable as well because they mostly come from the perspective of the drug users themselves. This can offer certain insights and perhaps help you with recovery

Previous thread here

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Question for anyone on here that has recovered.

Now, post-recovery, when you get anxiety from a normal situation where anxiety would typically occur in a healthy person (like a student about to take an exam for example). Are you able to experience this anxiety without becoming focused on the anxiety itself? I worry that after having the first panic attack which triggered my anxiety I will always perceive it much more strongly and become focused on how I feel rather than the cause of the anxiety.
I'm pretty certain my anxiety stems from the fact that I fear the anxiety and worry that it won't subside. Although I've learnt to cope I generally find any stressful task or social situation involving new people to be a lot more uncomfortable than before I got my LTC.

Currently I'm two and a half months in and I'm having some good days and some bad days, very uppy-downy in terms of progress.
Haven't posted in about a year.. Thought I'd share my progress and trials.

It's been about a year plus since my ltc or whatever you want to call it. Been to every doctor all said I was fine.

The symptoms I was having. Blurred vision. Constant dry mouth constant back pain have all but gone now.

What I do get are a lot of panic attacks. I've concluded I get this from smoking marijuana and have decided to quit it for good. I started smoking again after about 10 months because I thought I felt better and I could. For awhile it was great but My body is telling me no more times then it says yes. I still have fears of heart attacks once in awhile but I've been mentally telling my self it hasn't happened in over a year and it won't happen.

The one thing I wanted to ask anyone willing to help is. I've been constantly having to swallow or cough and clear my throat. It's literally stressing me out so much. I went to the ent and they told me the back of my throat is dry so they put me on meds but none of them helped. I hear this is also a symptom of anxiety. Any one have suggestions on this?


For anyone who is new to the suffering. I will assure you. It's been a long year and a half for me but I have gotten better. Not 100% normal but I'm so much better then I was when I first started posting here. Do not give up guys. We all made mistakes and are paying for it but in the end, we're all going to make it. I truly believe this and everyone else needs to as well. I've read some negative posts on here and would like to tell those guys to gtfo. To everyone who's helped me with kind words and your stories of pain and recovery. You don't know how much of a mental help it was for me.
Having good days then reverting back is all part of the process my friend. I have way more good then bad days now. Within time it'll be an after thought. I know it's a lot of money but... When I'm feeling super stressed out I either work out run then go get a massage. It has really helped me on my bad days.
I just had a major setback as of last night. Since the first few weeks, I haven't had a single panic attack and more of a lingering anxiety. Last night when I was trying to sleep, I psyched myself out and felt a rush of panic spread over me and it felt like I gone back to square one again. From what I've read this is not unusual and I'm convinced I'm not back at square one. It was horrible though, I can actually cope with the lingering anxiety but panic attacks are the worst thing I've ever experienced and the very thought of having another one is sometimes enough to trigger one again.

I'm working out more than ever and while it definitely calms the anxiety I always feel more spaced out from the derealisation which more of a annoyance than a distress at this point.
I've undeniably had some good days, even days where I've felt my original confident self return and be able to socialise and work a group of friends with ease. But anxiety always comes creeping back. I just hope in time this will just be an after thought like you suggest and I will no longer be able to feel anxiety just by thinking about anxiety.
3 months in now. It's weird, the 3 months feels both like it's flown past and taken forever at the same time, if that makes any sense. I think it feels fast because the LTC is so all-engrossing that it's all that's on your mind, all day every day, that there's nothing else you're experiencing that's giving you a time marker or a sense of those days being filled. Then again, it feels like I can't remember what it's like to be normal it feels so long ago.... My sense of time has certainly been skewed.

Progress is slow, and there are some days I wonder whether there is progress at all - but I'm definitely improved from where I was a month ago.

Anxiety is for the most part gone, but sometimes an overbearing feeling of depression takes hold. Probably twice a month I'll break down into an uncontrollable crying spree, which interestingly enough actually feels a bit cathartic and it's almost like the final thing I need to do to "level up" and feel slightly better in my recovery.

Tinnitus remains, but may be getting better, it may be that I'm just getting used to it more. Probably a bit of both.

HPPD (in particular visual snow), eye floaters (which seem to have got more noticable in the past weeks) and huge faint/dizzy spells whenever I move from a sitting to a standing position are a continual reminder that all is not well, and in a lot of cases they actually trigger the depressive feelings I have. I'm also finding that my thermostat is still out of whack, however it is getting a little cooler here in the southern hemisphere now which is helping me deal with that a lot better. I'm really hoping these symptoms start to abate soon.

I've been doing all the right things excercise & diet wise, and have been taking a 5htp/EGCG combo for the past month (reduced from 200mg down to 100mg of 5htp a night, as started to get serious brain fog again... hopefully this means the tryptophan hydroxylase is kicking back into gear). Had a bit of a withdrawal when kicking the 5htp down from 200 to 100 (just a day of feeling really low), so bear that in mind if anyone is looking to do the same.

Have been doing the CBT with a psychologist, but question its worth. Actually, I question her dedication to me as a patient and my specific circumstances. At our first meeting, she suggested that "all drugs are out of your system after 3 weeks so what you're feeling is all psychological now." Actually, no, I think you'll find taking somewhere in the realms of 12mg/kg of MDMA is actually going to cause some long lasting trauma to the brain which is going to require at least 6 months+ of healing. I'm thinking of printing out a medical study on the abuse of MDMA so I can get her on the same page and so we may be able to work on some effective CBT techniques as opposed to the "you're depressed because you're worried about what person XYZ will think, why don't you think about it from another perspective." For $180 a session I would hope she would have at least googled about the effects of an MDMA overdose.

Alcohol is a tough one for me... Really tough. On one hand I want to get back into it and drink, have fun and just get back to some normality which will hopefully allow me to think less and less about this LTC. Then on the other hand, my symptoms did flare when I had a couple of beers a few weeks ago and I do know that alcohol will hinder the brain's recovery from a purely scientific view... My wife thinks I'm overthinking it... probably true. I'd probably look at vaping a little weed sometime over the coming months, but (in a spectacular case of bad timing) we're also trying to conceive... So weed is out for the time being.

Anyways, there's the 3 month update. Thanks to those who have replied and PM'd me so far... I'm going to try to come back here less and less often to speed the recovery, but will give updates along the way.
Hey Go Easy, if you're having dizziness upon standing I highly recommend cardio - amphetamines are notorious for causing deconditioning and this could honestly be causing many of your symptoms. Also your psychologist is very naive - I don't know if I would waste much more money - you can learn meditation through an app called headspace.
 

Drunkdancer

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7 and half months into recovering from consuming 9 bombs of brown crystal mdma in a night (probs around 0.5g?). Still got Got awful visual snow, eye wobbles when you look at en edge, halos around lights, afterimages from everything, constant flickering and wall breathing, tinnitus, fatigue, never feel like im in the room anymore when im talking to someone? Guessing this is dp/dr, it's like you have no soul when you look in the mirror. I am also quite shakey, chattering teeth and lips and hands feel weak and shakey. I am definitely a lot slower than I was, cognitive function is impaired massively and my memory is shocking. I literally struggle to enjoy anything in life anymore. On top of this about a month back my nose started going extremely numb with tingling and burning, this hasn't subsided so I am extremely worried this is the start of MS. I've been referred to a neurologist but I haven't heard anything from them yet and it's been 2 weeks. I just don't know when or if this nightmare will be over, one thing I know is I can't live like this the rest of my life, feel like a shadow of my former self. I've been working out a lot, taking multi vits, cod liver oil etc not working in any way. I'm just a mess tbf, could use some words of encouragement. One thing I will say is if I this ever sorts itself I will never take feeling good for granted again. I literally feel like im never sober.
 

Badroll7

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Glad to see the forum still going strong. Hope to hear more success stories
 

zachthorp

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oright everyone. Few things.

On month 8 (i think) and things are getting better then getting worse haha. i have all the usual symptoms but the cognitive aspect being the most frustrating. but i think ive come to a conclusion to those suffering.

Ignore the shite about serotonin damage, axonal damage - that shit is more than likely incorrect and extremely objective. personally i think a LTC is attributed to stress and the body/brain shutting down. Reasons why i think this:

when i first started my meds, and they started to kick in, around 2 weeks later my symptoms improved dramatically. i then stressed about UNI work and the foggyness returned - my improvement of memory and clearness was gone. now its also not that great but that due to drinking and stress and this site haha.

the more i look at this forum, the worse my symptoms become. people posting on here are often very incorrect and very anecdotal, and everyone is in the same position as we are, and its fucking hell it really is - and people (like me) couldn't think anything other than damage. The more you research the worse it becomes, but breaking this cycle is very very hard, ive not mastered this yet - hence my symptoms persisting.

also - these symptoms usually come from bad experiences and trauma. I had an awful reaction and the symptoms came after my initial strong anxiety. These symptoms are here to protect our brain from more stress. Its a coping mechanism and this doesn't mean damage at all. i for one am going to try and leave this site and see how things improve.

Good luck to everyone and try and stop researching. Its a safety behaviour and it fuels anxiety!
 

PillsAndKills

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Ignore the shite about serotonin damage, axonal damage - that shit is more than likely incorrect and extremely objective. personally i think a LTC is attributed to stress and the body/brain shutting down.
I think this is an important point. I'm coming up to 3 months now and I'm just starting to accept that I could be in this state for a lot longer than I hoped. I've frequented bluelight and many other sites for success stories and they all suggest to not try and research what is wrong with you as you will just fuel your anxiety more. Its a nasty cycle, and I think most people who suffer a LTC will undoubtedly research their symptoms in the early stages regardless of what anyone tells them. Thats how most of us stumble across BL in the first place. Once they have got over those fuck awful early stages and learn to cope with their symptoms, just getting on with life and not frequenting BL and endlessly searching their symptoms online is a step towards recovery. I'm going to start by only visiting once every 3/4 weeks soon in order to focus my attention on more important things in my life.

I still suffer from bad memory and slightly impaired cognitive function, and sometimes just by thinking about it can bring on some anxiety, which in turn makes it worse. Its difficult to compare it from how it was in the early stages but I feel like it has improved slightly. I guess only time will tell if it continues to do so.
 

zachthorp

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I think this is an important point. I'm coming up to 3 months now and I'm just starting to accept that I could be in this state for a lot longer than I hoped. I've frequented bluelight and many other sites for success stories and they all suggest to not try and research what is wrong with you as you will just fuel your anxiety more. Its a nasty cycle, and I think most people who suffer a LTC will undoubtedly research their symptoms in the early stages regardless of what anyone tells them. Thats how most of us stumble across BL in the first place. Once they have got over those fuck awful early stages and learn to cope with their symptoms, just getting on with life and not frequenting BL and endlessly searching their symptoms online is a step towards recovery. I'm going to start by only visiting once every 3/4 weeks soon in order to focus my attention on more important things in my life.

I still suffer from bad memory and slightly impaired cognitive function, and sometimes just by thinking about it can bring on some anxiety, which in turn makes it worse. Its difficult to compare it from how it was in the early stages but I feel like it has improved slightly. I guess only time will tell if it continues to do so.
If you need advice Cotcha is very educated. It's very hard but try and ignore the shit about serotonin damage etc. you're not damaged, it's an anxiety disorder. I have it my self and a whole load of regret aswell. (I took it again around when my symptoms were getting worse and ive been traumatised by guilt of thinking ive 'damaged' my self even further, this guilt has set me back hugely, more so than the actual expereinces).

It can be PTSD, health anxiety and more combined and stress will fuck you up. Big time. It's ruined me and that's down to anacdotal theories that are more than likely a load of crap. Research had me suicidal at one point, this long term comedown or just simply DR/DP isn't damage. It can be caused by any sort of trigger and stress. Truth is, people on LTC have a set personality and tend to stress more and maybe tend to be more outgoing. You've probably been slightly anxious all your life.

if I didnt take it the second time (after my initial experience) I would be over it by now. The guilt and stress has really messed ME up. I'm still not over it and I'm not ready to recover yet until I learn to deal with it, and get over taking it this second time. It was also awful because my secondary anxiety symptoms came after the second time taking it, so I attributed to 'further damage' when in reality, it will be to do with too much stress on the body and brain. Brain fog causes memory issues. Depersonalisation and you're symptoms causes brain fog, the body shuts down to do with stress. It's a coping mechanism. The evidence for this being anxiety is these symptoms are all explained with anxiety and chronic stress. Internalised thoughts creates an internalised world and you're body thinks 'right I can't handle the stress anymore, I'm shutting down.' We can get over this and if you want to discuss then anyone is free to message because keeping off threads is very important and will slow your recovery down so much.
 

alfredosauce

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Used to do MDMA a bit too much, once every 2-4 weeks at around 150-200 mg. Just did a bunch of 6-APB and 4-FA this weekend and feeling real down. I know the cause of my old anxiety and depression now. I never really thought rolling was causing my symptoms, but now I know it was mostly due to serotonin depletion. Last 4 days since my 6-APB+4-FA binge this weekend have felt like eternity of worrying, depression and anger. I can't wait to be back to baseline, I am slowly coming back to normal :)
 

yar0nin

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Oct 12, 2011
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Hi eveyone,

Its been more than 2 years since i last been here. When i was at my worse and even when i was recovering i use to go here every single day just to have a sense of understanding of what is happening. My recovery took years (sadly). Almost 6 years to be exact to be 100% back to where im happy with my life again. Funny that writing this brings back so much if how fucked up it all felt, Goes to show how much our minds actually plays a strong role in our recovery.

Ive posted some things here and there before but mainly it was an act of desperation. i couldn't find a way out. There were many days where i wanted to end it, and if you knew me i was the last thing from suicidal. Before the whole affliction with my LTC i was the happiest person you will ever meet. I was always the life of the party, loud and obnoxious. But nonetheless i was happy. I suffered from everything LTC had to give. Depersonalization, derealization, HPPD, vertigo, floaters, deep depression, feeling nothing whatsoever, anxiety, panic attacks throughout the day. Just all the shit i wouldnt wish on my worst enemies, i fucking sucked and no one around me understood what was happening and no one can, unless they took massive amounts of untested mdma. Some days i just stood in the noose i made in my garage, but i always told myself that the only time i will jump is if im completely certain that i would never get better.

What did i do? Everything that everyone said on this forum. Mainly exercise and healthy diet. I've tried all other routes also like st johns wort, 5htc, piracetam, mutlitamins, and ssri. not sure if any of them helped, probably to a degree but takind care of your body and having a good mindset is honestly all you need. Also study about adrenal fatigue because i think that is one of the things that happens when you get hit with LTC.

How am i now? I effin great. i love life again all emotions fully functional, none of the symptoms from the LTC exist. time is your friend and i just want to say that if you are going through this that everything will be ok. Im sorry but you will come out of this a stronger person. I have, and in a sense Im actually grateful that it happened to me. There is a knowledge in being that close to the edge and not falling off. The fact that youre here and reading this means that there is no way that youre going to fall off.

Keep your head up my brothers and sisters. Everything will be ok =)
 

TrulyBlessed87

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Hey Yaronin

I'm glad you came back for a reply. You have confirmed what I have thought the whole time that this might take me some more time I am 3.5 years clean still have symptoms but better hopefully I will be fine in 2 years that's what the trajectory is looking like. Thanks man for your post
 

Future94

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Ay trulyblessed! If you were a person that havent gone through ltc would you stop doing E forever? I do it once every three months and never had a problem, but still i get spooked out when i read people going through ltcs and its not neccesery abuse of the drug that got them there. Feel like its russian roulette..
 

ScaredFirstTimer

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Dec 15, 2013
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Hi eveyone,

Its been more than 2 years since i last been here....
Hi yar0nin, thanks for the update. For those of us suffering in our second, third, fourth year it's always interesting to see a longer term recovery story. Could you elaborate on your experience with SSRI treatment?
 

PillsAndKills

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Just over 3 months in, and as I'm writing this I'm feeling really relaxed. No ruminating about anxiety or DP/DR. I've no doubt it will return at some point as it seems the symptoms do tend to fluctuate during recovery. But surely this means its getting better?
 

nightElf

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I was doing EXCELLENT, almost no signs, no temblors, sleeping fine, nothing wrong, and them, boom, I drink a couple of drinks with vodka and juice, and I'm back to the worst times.

My myoclonus are getting triggered by alcohol, and not by MDMA, it seems, because I have consumed twice during the year (1 pill, low dose) without ANY issues. Anyone heard something like that?

I don't have depression, depersonalization, not even brain zaps. Only trouble sleeping, and involuntary movements.

It seems to get better when I take 5HPT + EGC. Now I'm back in Clonazepan to be able to sleep :|
 

Go Easy

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Hey guys - 1 thing I'm keen to learn more about - Eye Floaters.

Does anyone understand the mechanism as to how an MDMA overdose / LTC / stress can cause these? I've got an understanding of what they are, I just don't know how they get there. I've got a dark floater patch in my left eye that has become apparent over the past couple of months.

For those who have recovered - did these fade with time, and were they one of the first or last symptoms to go?
 

d3m04517

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Jan 9, 2016
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Hi everyone!

Its been 4 months since I last posted in the Bluelight forums. I made a post about how I got severe anxiety after I took MDMA on New Years Eve. I was not a frequent user of MDMA. I took it maybe once a month or every three months starting last summer. Anyway, after New Years Eve, the anxiety hit me as hard as a truck. I started getting panic attacks, foggy vision, depersonalization, etc. I went to the doctor, and I told him all about my drug use including weed, cigarettes, and MDMA. He prescribed me a type of benzo, but he told me to use it only and ONLY if I truly needed it. Other than that, he told me to get regular exercise, and eat healthier. I did not end up taking the medication. Instead, I went to the gym at least 4 times a week and tried not to stay at home the whole day. I read a book and drank sleepy tea at night before bed (which only helped a little). After pushing through for 2 weeks, the panic attacks disappeared but I was still left with generalized anxiety disorder. I am now afraid to talk to people, I am constantly worrying about something, I am not able to sleep very well, and for some reason, I had a phase where I just stopped caring about everything. I stopped caring about school, finding a job, keeping relationships with friends and family. I just stayed home and used my computer. However, after some time passed, I felt like I was going back to my normal self. I go to the library every day with a friend to study, I go to the gym regularly, and I did find a job for the summer. Some times I still get foggy vision, anxiety, panic attacks, and depersonalization, but I've decided to accept it as it is a part of my life until I fully recover. I did stop all my drug use, including weed, shrooms, alcohol, cigarettes, and MDMA. I've been completely sober for 4 months. I guess all I can say to those who are suffering from adverse after-effects of MDMA is that it WILL get better with time, and if you are planning to use medication, please use it as a last resort. It is better for your body to heal naturally.
 

thejibberman

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I was doing EXCELLENT, almost no signs, no temblors, sleeping fine, nothing wrong, and them, boom, I drink a couple of drinks with vodka and juice, and I'm back to the worst times.

My myoclonus are getting triggered by alcohol, and not by MDMA, it seems, because I have consumed twice during the year (1 pill, low dose) without ANY issues. Anyone heard something like that?

I don't have depression, depersonalization, not even brain zaps. Only trouble sleeping, and involuntary movements.

It seems to get better when I take 5HPT + EGC. Now I'm back in Clonazepan to be able to sleep :|
It's just your anxiety man. I think you must be prone to being anxious when you're in an altered state, like when on drugs or drunk. I was too. As much as it sounds stupid, just try to drink and have fun as much as you can, then the anxiety will pass. Worked for me.
 

PillsAndKills

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Think I'm completely over the panic attacks now. Haven't had them for a few weeks and even before they only occurred occasionally if I managed to psych myself out. Anxiety only crops occasionally, and is generally only present when they're is a real reason to be anxious rather than it being there for no reason. I'm pretty sure before long it will just be normal anxiety which is related to real thoughts rather than the thought of anxiety itself.

The only thing that remains and really pisses me off is this brain fog. It's essentially a bit of lingering DP/DR but it's incredibly annoying and I find it difficult to articulate thought. I particularly notice it while I'm socialising as I struggle to have anything interesting or funny to say whereas before I was pretty good at working a conversation with my mates or other people.

Honestly I'm grateful to be at the stage I am at now as I've really had a rough few months when my anxiety was at its worse. I just don't want to be stuck in this brain dead version of my former self. It's very frustrating.
 

Go Easy

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Feb 2, 2016
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Think I'm completely over the panic attacks now. Haven't had them for a few weeks and even before they only occurred occasionally if I managed to psych myself out. Anxiety only crops occasionally, and is generally only present when they're is a real reason to be anxious rather than it being there for no reason. I'm pretty sure before long it will just be normal anxiety which is related to real thoughts rather than the thought of anxiety itself.

The only thing that remains and really pisses me off is this brain fog. It's essentially a bit of lingering DP/DR but it's incredibly annoying and I find it difficult to articulate thought. I particularly notice it while I'm socialising as I struggle to have anything interesting or funny to say whereas before I was pretty good at working a conversation with my mates or other people.

Honestly I'm grateful to be at the stage I am at now as I've really had a rough few months when my anxiety was at its worse. I just don't want to be stuck in this brain dead version of my former self. It's very frustrating.
I hear you mate. I'm exactly 4 months in after a 950mg binge and the irrational anxiety has really subsided. But I do tend to get down/depressed when I notice the symptoms (brain fog, tinnitus and floaters right now are the big ones). It's as if either the symptoms need to fade or I need to learn to accept them... easier said than done.

Have recently had a few drinks on weekends and probably overdid it a couple of times. At the time you feel a million bucks and it's like you're normal again - but I paid for it with what felt like MDMA comedown symptoms for the next 3-4 days.

I know it's only 4 months which given how much I had is really not much time, but it is really starting to grate on me.
 

PillsAndKills

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I've read more and more people with credible experience who say it takes about a year for LTC symptoms to fully subside. Suppose we just have to hang in there, thats what I've been told pretty much by everyone and I've accepted it, just like to update on here occasionally as I find it helps me a bit to get it off my chest. I'm glad the anxiety has gone for you though. And I'm the same the day after drinking. I still drink a fair bit every couple of weeks for a night out (I'm at uni and I still enjoy going out, gotta live a little) and although it doesn't help the day after I don't think it hinders your progress in anyway. I don't know that for sure but I've spoke to people who've beaten their LTCs who said they drank occasionally during recovery with seemingly no drawbacks on their progress.
 
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