MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 3)

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PillsAndKills

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Hey CashCash. I know this isn't a specific answer to what you're asking but I found this post by Dawglaw reassuring that I hadn't done myself any permanent damage to my brain and memory. I believe time is the most important in factor in regaining normality. I'm 2 months in and I definitely feel improved from how I was in the early stages.

Anyway heres the post:
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/713036-To-TheW0rm-and-Others-w-quot-comedown-quot-issues
 

Cotcha Yankinov

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Skeeto 222, as always we are in the same line of reasoning. I also believe that all this may be a response to extreme stress. I'm finally starting to improve, but I think it all started long before my abuse of MDMA and other substances. In fact, I believe the abuse itself was a product of my previous problems.

Since I started with self-therapy discovered many things about myself, I realized that because of my childhood I developed a disorganized attachment system, which made me a narcissistic and egocentric person, addicted to influence others, wanting to control everything, imagining all possible future developments in relations with other people, usually negative, seeking acceptance, destroying myself. The theory I'm building shows that it was probably because I had a mother who loved me more than anything in the world, but also had constant emotional problems, as if in a moment she was super loving and made me feel safe, and in another she was simply depressed and angry and I did not know why, and thought it was my fault. To make matters worse my father was a jerk, he used to cheat on her and was a drug user, which caused a lot of stress for the family. Also, my sister was chubby and constantly bullied, she was 4 years older than me, and used to take all the anger and stress on me, then we'd fight, and my mother would be more stressed and have "reactions" that just me traumatized in several ways. My father was always traveling, so my childhood came down on me, my sister and my mother. My mother was overprotective, which hindered my relationship with others.

All this made me avoid my own basic needs of human being, and stay constantly focused on my mother's needs. I did not interact with other people, I just thought if my mother was fine or not. If she was fine, i was fine. Also, my love for my mother was very strong, and hers for me. She used to give me a lot of affection when she was not in a bad day, but was in love with my father, which made the Oedipus complex theory developed by Sigmund Freud happen exactly as he said himself.

This happened at the time when my brain was developing, so I grew as a person who is continuously thinking about how other people will react to what I speak when I do, and seeking to act in ways that will be accepted. Since 15 years I started to smoke marijuana, and find that it was possible to pleasure myself, so I used it as a valve of escape from the reality of pleasing others which was submitted for a long time and started to walk away from my family.

Until the age of 18 when I met a girl and felt in love. She was like my mother, gave me all the love I needed (without the problems of depression), and for two years I was extremely happy. I was completely in love with that girl, and she for me, it was the most beautiful time of my life. (Note: The feeling of love I felt for her was basically the same feeling I had when I used MDMA later). I stoped seeking for acceptance because I had all the love I needed, but it made me start to reveal a side of me that until recently I never realized. I wanted her just for me, I wanted her to devote all the time to me, I was extremely jealous, I was afraid of losing her as I lost my mother to my father. As I've always been a smart person, and she loved me, I could manipulate her to devote all the time for me. This generated a lot of stress, Until, after numerous fights, we broke up.

It was horrible, the sense of feeling alone made me go into a depression for long months. With self-esteem down there, returning to society, gradually I started to look for acceptance of others again, and began to build basically the same image of my father, I fed my ego with that image and felt good, I found refuge in MDMA. I remember the first time I used had the same feeling when I was in love with my ex girlfriend. Everything was perfect, I went out, going to parties, had built a jerk image, I got on well with women, but these problems were hidden, repressed, waiting ... until on a beautiful evening, I abused the substance. After 7 untested pills in one night, mixed with large amounts of alcohol, I messed with my serotonin system.

The next day serotonin was still upstairs, I smoked a joint, everything was great. The other day, during the comedown, my serotonin levels probably got lower to an extreme level, and then I smoked a joint, and after only a few minutes, this was the recipe for the most horrible panic attack of my story. This one panic attack was the trigger for my depersonalization. All these anxiety problems have joined a new horrible trauma. Weed panic attacks are the worst because you really are in an altered state of reality, and I thought I had damaged my brain and I was going crazy.

What do i think today? I think it happened because it should happen. Before all that I had tried to quit smoking marijuana more than 50 times without success. I finally succeeded, I finally began to dedicate myself to exercise, I finally started to leave my ego aside, finally began to seek to satisfy my own needs in a healthy way, look for ways to develop my brain, study, and mainly treat myself.

Do I think that MDMA damaged my brain? It's possible, as well as alcohol. But I found that my LTC is actually a state of depersonalization caused by all of this that i just told you, and a few things more.

Today I can say that I solved almost 100% of my problems like erectile dysfunction, low libido, anxiety and palpitations, fatigue, brain fog. I had hard times with insomnia, and now, under treatment and follow-up of a psychiatrist/psychotherapist, I can sleep. I'm still at the beginning of my recovery, but I finally see the possibility of a better future. Through meditation I accept my reality and develop areas of the brain that involve sincere empathy, through the exercises I can create and stimulate new neurons, through my self-therapy I can stop worrying so much about things.

If there was an damage, it was probably in my memory system, but since I started sleeping better my memory improved a lot, and my cognitive and learning functions, but if I stop to think, since I was 15 when I started smoking pot I didn't devoted time in this regard. If anyone relate to any of these events, please feel free to share information.
Excellent post, I definitely relate... Keep practicing meditation :)
 

me2point0

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Hey guys just checking in for those who care. Im still scared of dying but today is my 2 year mark and I just wanted to say hi. I hope everyone is living a happy life and making progress in terms of recovery.

Stay strong peeps
 

robmatch22

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I'm now on month 8 of brain zaps after a heavy mixture of drug use in late June last year, I only get them now late in the day during the week when I'm tired... Have started taking 5htp again cos it did help last time and also to help with anxiety but been taking it for 1 day and has seemed to of aggravated them quite badly... Should I continue ? I've noticed that these brain zaps seem to flare up every now and then but seem much better afterwards, it's like they have to get worse before they get better so could this be that phase? Please reply thanks !
 

thejibberman

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Hey people,

2 years ago, i posted here cause i felt crazy, everything you all "LTC"ists have/had, literally every symptom.

Quick update: I'm better, miles better. There are no symptoms to anything physical or mental, I used to have the memory of a fish, but now it's all back and working great. I also consistently had 'brain zaps' and loads and loads of twitches, they're all gone. I just occasionally have anxiety about some things that take me back to how I felt those first couple of months as it was such a hard time for me as family members were dying and all of that MDMA shit I was going through, it really sucked.

Now it's just anxiety about feeling anxiety. That's it. To all you worriers out there checking this everyday, or every two days, I really know how you feel. Things will get so much better, and you will feel amazing when it does. You're safe. Your brain is telling you you aren't, but you are, it doesn't matter what I say because your brain is still frightened like baby, until it realises through time. Try to live as much as you can during these dark days as I spent most of them in my room alone, talking to nobody, thinking death was imminent. For the whole summer of 2014. My social life crumbled, and it's built itself again. I'm not 100% but who is 100% even those who have never taken MDMA? Nobody. I went to counseling for five sessions (5 hours worth) and that helped a lot, but also it's about realising what makes you feel what you feel, and how you automatically respond to it. I still think negatively after thinking negatively for so long, but you do improve on that.

Just wanted to let you people know you're safe. Look after yourselves with self-compassion, which is crucial if you're going to get any better.
 

robmatch22

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Hey people,
2 years ago, i posted here cause i felt crazy, everything you all "LTC"ists have/had, literally every symptom.

Quick update: I'm better, miles better. There are no symptoms to anything physical or mental, I used to have the memory of a fish, but now it's all back and working great. I also consistently had 'brain zaps' and loads and loads of twitches, they're all gone. I just occasionally have anxiety about some things that take me back to how I felt those first couple of months as it was such a hard time for me as family members were dying and all of that MDMA shit I was going through, it really sucked.

Now it's just anxiety about feeling anxiety. That's it. To all you worriers out there checking this everyday, or every two days, I really know how you feel. Things will get so much better, and you will feel amazing when it does. You're safe. Your brain is telling you you aren't, but you are, it doesn't matter what I say because your brain is still frightened like baby, until it realises through time. Try to live as much as you can during these dark days as I spent most of them in my room alone, talking to nobody, thinking death was imminent. For the whole summer of 2014. My social life crumbled, and it's built itself again. I'm not 100% but who is 100% even those who have never taken MDMA? Nobody. I went to counseling for five sessions (5 hours worth) and that helped a lot, but also it's about realising what makes you feel what you feel, and how you automatically respond to it. I still think negatively after thinking negatively for so long, but you do improve on that.

Just wanted to let you people know you're safe. Look after yourselves with self-compassion, which is crucial if you're going to get any better.
Thanks mate ! How long did your brain zaps last for ? I feel like mine have just stopped healing, it's gotten to the point where they seem to get better but get worse again 2 weeks later! Going round in circles.... Cheers
 

thejibberman

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Thanks mate ! How long did your brain zaps last for ? I feel like mine have just stopped healing, it's gotten to the point where they seem to get better but get worse again 2 weeks later! Going round in circles.... Cheers
About 2 or 3 months-ish, and it wasn't like all day everyday. Although for the first 6 months they did have a couple of times coming back, for about a day or so. I think that's just stressed related. The only times I had them was when I was reaaaaaaallly stressed. Probably my brain telling me to stop worrying to much. Relax man, it's probably going round in circles because you keep thinking about it, and it's probably stressing you out, without you realising. Another thing to get better, is to accept what is going on, I know how hard it is to, but over time you'll begin to make your health (mental and physical) less of a priority than you do now, and your brain will really thank you for it. Till you do this, I found it helpful to hang around my partner a bit more, or attempt to contact my friends a lot, or people in this forum says gym helps. Anything to keep your mind off it. I did the exact opposite really and stayed in my bed for about 4 months as I was too depressed from my health, and moreover, I was bloody searching forums about my health! DO NOT DO THIS. I'd actually attribute not coming to this website as a massive step for getting better. I know it's so hard to refrain because it's comforting to see people who understand what you're going through, but it's really worth looking at yourself as opposed to reading stories that your brain will get scared over and reflect. But it does way more damage than that, your brain wants to be safe. Stop agonising it.

It's safe to say I definitely learnt this all the hard way, and I've got better! So have hope.

Hope you the best robmatch 22.
 

robmatch22

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About 2 or 3 months-ish, and it wasn't like all day everyday. Although for the first 6 months they did have a couple of times coming back, for about a day or so. I think that's just stressed related. The only times I had them was when I was reaaaaaaallly stressed. Probably my brain telling me to stop worrying to much. Relax man, it's probably going round in circles because you keep thinking about it, and it's probably stressing you out, without you realising. Another thing to get better, is to accept what is going on, I know how hard it is to, but over time you'll begin to make your health (mental and physical) less of a priority than you do now, and your brain will really thank you for it. Till you do this, I found it helpful to hang around my partner a bit more, or attempt to contact my friends a lot, or people in this forum says gym helps. Anything to keep your mind off it. I did the exact opposite really and stayed in my bed for about 4 months as I was too depressed from my health, and moreover, I was bloody searching forums about my health! DO NOT DO THIS. I'd actually attribute not coming to this website as a massive step for getting better. I know it's so hard to refrain because it's comforting to see people who understand what you're going through, but it's really worth looking at yourself as opposed to reading stories that your brain will get scared over and reflect. But it does way more damage than that, your brain wants to be safe. Stop agonising it.

It's safe to say I definitely learnt this all the hard way, and I've got better! So have hope.

Hope you the best robmatch 22.
Thanks for the response mate Im glad things worked out for you... Any other advice on how to help? Like certain foods or exercise and ect ? And did you completley cut out alcohol? Have you absused again since ? Cheers
 

thejibberman

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Thanks for the response mate Im glad things worked out for you... Any other advice on how to help? Like certain foods or exercise and ect ? And did you completley cut out alcohol? Have you absused again since ? Cheers
I went through it eating what I wanted and exercising like any average person would do. This may have slowed down the process, this may have not. I did actually drink alcohol very minimally as I didn't like how I thought whilst drinking (worrying like crazy about how I got into that position), and lastly I haven't touched the stuff since my bad night March the 8th 2014. Although, I really think the MDMA only triggered what could only be triggered, and if I were to take it again today, I'd probably just have a normal good time on it, however that one experience has just put me off being in another mindset.
 

giovanni557

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So today I had a endoscopy to be honest at first I was scared but then everything was fine and the doctor find this diffuse erythema of the mucosa was noted in the whole stomach. He recommended anti-reflux diet regimen and lifestyle modifications and prescribed a medicine .and I will always tell people or anybody the truth about this awful drug so they don't make the same mistake like I did. ok that's all for today stay clean and be safe guys take care and I wish you guys the best ..
 
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Cotcha Yankinov

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To the experts - thoughts on this to assist in LTC recovery?

http://thebrainstimulator.net/what-is-tdcs/
Usually electrical stimulation of the brain lowers brain activity and will attenuate overactive areas, what this would do to a past MDMA user (who on fMRI studies usually have over excitable brains, specifically over excitable cortexes) is up in the air but it could be beneficial. I would read lots of studies before using it myself though - go to PubMed and search around.

Now that being said If the long term comedown is because the brain isn't producing enough serotonin then this device might not do much.
 

PillsAndKills

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Question for anyone on here that has recovered.

Now, post-recovery, when you get anxiety from a normal situation where anxiety would typically occur in a healthy person (like a student about to take an exam for example). Are you able to experience this anxiety without becoming focused on the anxiety itself? I worry that after having the first panic attack which triggered my anxiety I will always perceive it much more strongly and become focused on how I feel rather than the cause of the anxiety.
I'm pretty certain my anxiety stems from the fact that I fear the anxiety and worry that it won't subside. Although I've learnt to cope I generally find any stressful task or social situation involving new people to be a lot more uncomfortable than before I got my LTC.

Currently I'm two and a half months in and I'm having some good days and some bad days, very uppy-downy in terms of progress.
 

g.real

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Haven't posted in about a year.. Thought I'd share my progress and trials.

It's been about a year plus since my ltc or whatever you want to call it. Been to every doctor all said I was fine.

The symptoms I was having. Blurred vision. Constant dry mouth constant back pain have all but gone now.

What I do get are a lot of panic attacks. I've concluded I get this from smoking marijuana and have decided to quit it for good. I started smoking again after about 10 months because I thought I felt better and I could. For awhile it was great but My body is telling me no more times then it says yes. I still have fears of heart attacks once in awhile but I've been mentally telling my self it hasn't happened in over a year and it won't happen.

The one thing I wanted to ask anyone willing to help is. I've been constantly having to swallow or cough and clear my throat. It's literally stressing me out so much. I went to the ent and they told me the back of my throat is dry so they put me on meds but none of them helped. I hear this is also a symptom of anxiety. Any one have suggestions on this?


For anyone who is new to the suffering. I will assure you. It's been a long year and a half for me but I have gotten better. Not 100% normal but I'm so much better then I was when I first started posting here. Do not give up guys. We all made mistakes and are paying for it but in the end, we're all going to make it. I truly believe this and everyone else needs to as well. I've read some negative posts on here and would like to tell those guys to gtfo. To everyone who's helped me with kind words and your stories of pain and recovery. You don't know how much of a mental help it was for me.
 

g.real

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Question for anyone on here that has recovered.

Now, post-recovery, when you get anxiety from a normal situation where anxiety would typically occur in a healthy person (like a student about to take an exam for example). Are you able to experience this anxiety without becoming focused on the anxiety itself? I worry that after having the first panic attack which triggered my anxiety I will always perceive it much more strongly and become focused on how I feel rather than the cause of the anxiety.
I'm pretty certain my anxiety stems from the fact that I fear the anxiety and worry that it won't subside. Although I've learnt to cope I generally find any stressful task or social situation involving new people to be a lot more uncomfortable than before I got my LTC.

Currently I'm two and a half months in and I'm having some good days and some bad days, very uppy-downy in terms of progress.


Having good days then reverting back is all part of the process my friend. I have way more good then bad days now. Within time it'll be an after thought. I know it's a lot of money but... When I'm feeling super stressed out I either work out run then go get a massage. It has really helped me on my bad days.
 

PillsAndKills

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I just had a major setback as of last night. Since the first few weeks, I haven't had a single panic attack and more of a lingering anxiety. Last night when I was trying to sleep, I psyched myself out and felt a rush of panic spread over me and it felt like I gone back to square one again. From what I've read this is not unusual and I'm convinced I'm not back at square one. It was horrible though, I can actually cope with the lingering anxiety but panic attacks are the worst thing I've ever experienced and the very thought of having another one is sometimes enough to trigger one again.

I'm working out more than ever and while it definitely calms the anxiety I always feel more spaced out from the derealisation which more of a annoyance than a distress at this point.
 

PillsAndKills

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Having good days then reverting back is all part of the process my friend. I have way more good then bad days now. Within time it'll be an after thought. I know it's a lot of money but... When I'm feeling super stressed out I either work out run then go get a massage. It has really helped me on my bad days.
I've undeniably had some good days, even days where I've felt my original confident self return and be able to socialise and work a group of friends with ease. But anxiety always comes creeping back. I just hope in time this will just be an after thought like you suggest and I will no longer be able to feel anxiety just by thinking about anxiety.
 

Go Easy

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3 months in now. It's weird, the 3 months feels both like it's flown past and taken forever at the same time, if that makes any sense. I think it feels fast because the LTC is so all-engrossing that it's all that's on your mind, all day every day, that there's nothing else you're experiencing that's giving you a time marker or a sense of those days being filled. Then again, it feels like I can't remember what it's like to be normal it feels so long ago.... My sense of time has certainly been skewed.

Progress is slow, and there are some days I wonder whether there is progress at all - but I'm definitely improved from where I was a month ago.

Anxiety is for the most part gone, but sometimes an overbearing feeling of depression takes hold. Probably twice a month I'll break down into an uncontrollable crying spree, which interestingly enough actually feels a bit cathartic and it's almost like the final thing I need to do to "level up" and feel slightly better in my recovery.

Tinnitus remains, but may be getting better, it may be that I'm just getting used to it more. Probably a bit of both.

HPPD (in particular visual snow), eye floaters (which seem to have got more noticable in the past weeks) and huge faint/dizzy spells whenever I move from a sitting to a standing position are a continual reminder that all is not well, and in a lot of cases they actually trigger the depressive feelings I have. I'm also finding that my thermostat is still out of whack, however it is getting a little cooler here in the southern hemisphere now which is helping me deal with that a lot better. I'm really hoping these symptoms start to abate soon.

I've been doing all the right things excercise & diet wise, and have been taking a 5htp/EGCG combo for the past month (reduced from 200mg down to 100mg of 5htp a night, as started to get serious brain fog again... hopefully this means the tryptophan hydroxylase is kicking back into gear). Had a bit of a withdrawal when kicking the 5htp down from 200 to 100 (just a day of feeling really low), so bear that in mind if anyone is looking to do the same.

Have been doing the CBT with a psychologist, but question its worth. Actually, I question her dedication to me as a patient and my specific circumstances. At our first meeting, she suggested that "all drugs are out of your system after 3 weeks so what you're feeling is all psychological now." Actually, no, I think you'll find taking somewhere in the realms of 12mg/kg of MDMA is actually going to cause some long lasting trauma to the brain which is going to require at least 6 months+ of healing. I'm thinking of printing out a medical study on the abuse of MDMA so I can get her on the same page and so we may be able to work on some effective CBT techniques as opposed to the "you're depressed because you're worried about what person XYZ will think, why don't you think about it from another perspective." For $180 a session I would hope she would have at least googled about the effects of an MDMA overdose.

Alcohol is a tough one for me... Really tough. On one hand I want to get back into it and drink, have fun and just get back to some normality which will hopefully allow me to think less and less about this LTC. Then on the other hand, my symptoms did flare when I had a couple of beers a few weeks ago and I do know that alcohol will hinder the brain's recovery from a purely scientific view... My wife thinks I'm overthinking it... probably true. I'd probably look at vaping a little weed sometime over the coming months, but (in a spectacular case of bad timing) we're also trying to conceive... So weed is out for the time being.

Anyways, there's the 3 month update. Thanks to those who have replied and PM'd me so far... I'm going to try to come back here less and less often to speed the recovery, but will give updates along the way.
 
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Cotcha Yankinov

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Hey Go Easy, if you're having dizziness upon standing I highly recommend cardio - amphetamines are notorious for causing deconditioning and this could honestly be causing many of your symptoms. Also your psychologist is very naive - I don't know if I would waste much more money - you can learn meditation through an app called headspace.
 

BlueBull

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So this thread has reached it's limit. Going to close it, create a new one and archive the old one
 
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