MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 3)

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Jiraiya

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Aug 20, 2013
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Melbourne, Australia.
Hi everyone.

Just wanted to check in to give some advice to people here. I considered myself recovered after 6 months, and life gradually returned to normal for me. I had a second chance and it was great. The second half of last year was good, just completely normal with the occasional anxiety attack at work. I even traveled to Europe for my OE. However when I returned, the anxiety to a certain degree returned. I decided to jump back on google, big mistake!!!

I managed to bring my fears about brain damage back, not just fear of brain damage from MDMA, but also fear of brain damage from stress/anxiety. I kept this google search up for about a month until my spirit literally felt crushed, and now I am in a state of severe anxiety/severe depression pretty much all of the time, with this obsessive fear of brain damage. I have no cognitive issues, all my problems are of the anxiety/depression nature. Life is hell, and I can see where I went wrong. If I never actually went on the internet looking for scary shit and actually got the right help, I can imagine I would be in a much better place right now. This time last week I wasn't in a great place, however I wasn't as bad as I am now because I started to google again. I'm so bad that I feel like I would rather not be alive, however I don't have the intention of ever ending my life because 1) I'm too fucking scared too lol, and 2) because I can't bare the thought of the emotional pain that my family and friends would suffer.

The point of this post is to show that alot of the time, this shit we are experiencing can be very much psychological. For me it most likely is, however I can't convince my anxious mind that it is. I can read this shit on Wikipedia and believe it you know.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is learn from my mistakes. I feel very hopeless that I will recover, however I will do everything in my power to get to a level where life is at least bearable.

Also, if anyone has any advice for me I'd love that. I'm in such a deep dark place and it's just horrible. Anything that I can try. I wish I could enjoy my life again.
 

Cotcha Yankinov

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Just keep remembering that you were fine after the MDMA for a while and that you've had problems before the MDMA as well, it'll take some time to get your thought patterns back to normal but remember that medication can help you with this. I personally think you more than deserve some medication at this point and that you should find a psychiatrist to help you.
 

Dawglaw

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Hey man, it's ok to reach out for professional help for anxiety. If you are having a tough time managing it on your own, reach out. Therapy and medication can be incredibly helpful.

Therapy helped me through my mdma induced anxiety spell.
 

zachthorp

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Joined
Feb 10, 2016
Messages
17
Hey im in month 8 now and not really any better. Still really struggling with the brain fog, even know my anxiety has disappeared a little bit. alsp have the dissociation issues but the fog is the worst issue. Also big fatigue, anyone else struggle with this!
 

martainnn

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Joined
Dec 16, 2014
Messages
165
Location
Nottingham
I told myself I wouldn't do this but now I need help. I've read through all the posts, read through all the success stories and horror stories and looked carefully at the advice given by members of this forum. I told myself I was going to work at it and beat it and I was somewhat positive but now I'm desperate.

So on the 7th of January this year, I ended up taking around 150mg of pure MDMA (tested), nitrous, a few lines of what was supposed to be ketamine but I and others who consumed it assumed it might have been MXE (not sure though) due to the weird effects, and 5mg of valium.

I started off by taking around 100mg of md, then over the next few hours snorting a few bumps which probably came to around 50mg. Nitrous was consumed during this period. After around 4 hours, we started snorting the ketamine (or MXE?). After my third bump, I started to feel a little bit anxious and got a little bit hot and I wasn't consuming much fluids. Bare in mind we was just sat at my house and we wasn't dancing or anything so I'm assuming I didn't overheat.But after around 10 minutes, a wave of terror consumed me and I felt like my brain was literally melting in my head, what I felt is pretty hard to describe in detail. I started shouting for an ambulance and that I was going to die, my heart rate was through the roof, I started hallucinating slightly (nothing crazy, just distored vision) and I felt like I was burning up. My friend sat me in the bathroom and put a cold towel over my neck and after about 20 minutes, I calmed down, got into bed and chilled with my mates for an hour before consuming 5mg of valium and went to sleep.

The next day I wasn't too bad, just a standard comedown and I actually had a really good day and ended up going for a meal. Over the next few days, I felt somewhat normal, but noticed I was a little off-balance and had a bit of an annoying headache. A week later I had an exam at uni and I felt pretty much normal. After the exam had finished, when I went to get on the bus home, I noticed I felt quite anxious and dizzy.

Since then I've felt far from normal, suffering with the following issues; intense vertigo, blurred vision, difficulty concentrating and focusing on things, quite bad anxiety, depression that started about 2 weeks later, randomally bursting into tears, feeling a little bit retarded, headaches, restless leg and feeling like im going to panic but not actually had a full blown panic attack yet (fingers crossed), feeling distant and like Im not actually experiencing anything and that things are dream-like. What scares me the most is my vision. When I look at walls it looks as if they are moving around and breathing and throbing like what you experience on a mushroom trip. I've looked through all 3 recovery threads and I haven't seen anything like this really, which scares me. Am I suffering with an LTC, or HPPD, or did I suffer serotinin syndrome?

Its been nearly 2 months since that night and as I said at the beginning I was somewhat positive but now I've slipped into a deep depression, with suicidal thoughts and crippling anxiety that has me mostly bedridden and unable to leave the house. I keep crying because I feel like I've fucked myself up for the rest of my life, for the first few weeks I was able to continue going to uni and I even got a high grade on a test that I did 2 weeks after the night, but now I feel retarded and unable to do any work. My anxiety is from morning till night. I feel hollow and empty and weak.

I've also had a brief periods where I feel somewhat normal, not 100% or even 70% but bareable enough that I could continue living normally. But it usually disappears and I'm back to day 1 again.

I went to the doctors around 3 weeks ago and said my dizziness could just be a virus and told me to come back if it persisted, so I did and he's arranged for me to have a brain scan, which I assume will come back normal as other people have stated, but I think it would put me at ease.

Are these symtoms standard with an LTC? Has anyone else suffered from the weird vision problems where walls are breathing and shit. It's almost as if I'm drunk 24/7 and I feel off balance constantly. I just need some advice or help, I don't how much longer I can go on living like this, it scares this shit out me :/

Around 2 weeks into this, I started taking st johns wort for around a week but stopped taking them because I felt like I should try and recover naturally, but I'm not considering taking them again to help lift my depression. Has anyone else had any luck with st johns wort at all out of interest?

I've started running and it does help somewhat, but I do notice when I get home from my run, I'm extremely dizzy and require 20 minutes of sitting down just to feel at a balance I can cope with.

For the record, I'm 24 and a healthy weight. Ive used MDMA since I was 16, mostly carefully, with the general rule with no more than once a month but it was usually less than that Id say, and I had a 2 year break when my son was born so in total it has been around 6 years of use probably totalling around 40 times but can't say for sure.

Cheers
 

Cotcha Yankinov

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Jul 21, 2015
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How has your sleep been?

2 months is still really early on. MDMA causes some acute effects that are entirely temporary like bloodflow changes to the brain that last 3 months at least, so it's important to remember that many of the things that contribute to an LTC are temporary. The brain can have trouble making serotonin for many months after MDMA and I think a lot of people have troubles with this, but once again it's entirely temporary and will disappear completely if you give it enough time.

It doesn't sound like a classic LTC because of the periods of time where you were still doing so well, it sounds very anxiety based. With that in mind, I recommend mindfulness meditation, the goal is to essentially become thoughtless by focusing your attention on the way your breathing feels.

Also, definitely keep running as often as you can, it will help keep the blood flowing through your brain and supply it with nutrients. It also causes your brain to generate new serotonin brain cells in a very important area.
 

Dawglaw

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Jul 28, 2012
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The moon
Below is a response to a pm (their box is full) but contains relevant advice to those suffering:

I dealt with all of those symptoms. You just have to keep moving forward.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling.

I do not think you have damaged your brain. Weekly use is a lot but there are people who have used way more and had no problems.

MDMA is one of the most popular drugs in the world. I am of the opinion that if it could cause measurable brain damage, there would be concrete scientific evidence of it by now.

You gave yourself anxiety after a difficult traumatic experience. A LTC seems to be a mixture of ptsd, general anxiety and hypochondria. All manifest very real physical symptoms but all can be treated and will go away in time.

Best of luck.
 

ShortTermExpert

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Joined
Jan 20, 2015
Messages
54
I told myself I wouldn't do this but now I need help. I've read through all the posts, read through all the success stories and horror stories and looked carefully at the advice given by members of this forum. I told myself I was going to work at it and beat it and I was somewhat positive but now I'm desperate.

So on the 7th of January this year, I ended up taking around 150mg of pure MDMA (tested), nitrous, a few lines of what was supposed to be ketamine but I and others who consumed it assumed it might have been MXE (not sure though) due to the weird effects, and 5mg of valium.

I started off by taking around 100mg of md, then over the next few hours snorting a few bumps which probably came to around 50mg. Nitrous was consumed during this period. After around 4 hours, we started snorting the ketamine (or MXE?). After my third bump, I started to feel a little bit anxious and got a little bit hot and I wasn't consuming much fluids. Bare in mind we was just sat at my house and we wasn't dancing or anything so I'm assuming I didn't overheat.But after around 10 minutes, a wave of terror consumed me and I felt like my brain was literally melting in my head, what I felt is pretty hard to describe in detail. I started shouting for an ambulance and that I was going to die, my heart rate was through the roof, I started hallucinating slightly (nothing crazy, just distored vision) and I felt like I was burning up. My friend sat me in the bathroom and put a cold towel over my neck and after about 20 minutes, I calmed down, got into bed and chilled with my mates for an hour before consuming 5mg of valium and went to sleep.

The next day I wasn't too bad, just a standard comedown and I actually had a really good day and ended up going for a meal. Over the next few days, I felt somewhat normal, but noticed I was a little off-balance and had a bit of an annoying headache. A week later I had an exam at uni and I felt pretty much normal. After the exam had finished, when I went to get on the bus home, I noticed I felt quite anxious and dizzy.

Since then I've felt far from normal, suffering with the following issues; intense vertigo, blurred vision, difficulty concentrating and focusing on things, quite bad anxiety, depression that started about 2 weeks later, randomally bursting into tears, feeling a little bit retarded, headaches, restless leg and feeling like im going to panic but not actually had a full blown panic attack yet (fingers crossed), feeling distant and like Im not actually experiencing anything and that things are dream-like. What scares me the most is my vision. When I look at walls it looks as if they are moving around and breathing and throbing like what you experience on a mushroom trip. I've looked through all 3 recovery threads and I haven't seen anything like this really, which scares me. Am I suffering with an LTC, or HPPD, or did I suffer serotinin syndrome?

Its been nearly 2 months since that night and as I said at the beginning I was somewhat positive but now I've slipped into a deep depression, with suicidal thoughts and crippling anxiety that has me mostly bedridden and unable to leave the house. I keep crying because I feel like I've fucked myself up for the rest of my life, for the first few weeks I was able to continue going to uni and I even got a high grade on a test that I did 2 weeks after the night, but now I feel retarded and unable to do any work. My anxiety is from morning till night. I feel hollow and empty and weak.

I've also had a brief periods where I feel somewhat normal, not 100% or even 70% but bareable enough that I could continue living normally. But it usually disappears and I'm back to day 1 again.

I went to the doctors around 3 weeks ago and said my dizziness could just be a virus and told me to come back if it persisted, so I did and he's arranged for me to have a brain scan, which I assume will come back normal as other people have stated, but I think it would put me at ease.

Are these symtoms standard with an LTC? Has anyone else suffered from the weird vision problems where walls are breathing and shit. It's almost as if I'm drunk 24/7 and I feel off balance constantly. I just need some advice or help, I don't how much longer I can go on living like this, it scares this shit out me :/

Around 2 weeks into this, I started taking st johns wort for around a week but stopped taking them because I felt like I should try and recover naturally, but I'm not considering taking them again to help lift my depression. Has anyone else had any luck with st johns wort at all out of interest?

I've started running and it does help somewhat, but I do notice when I get home from my run, I'm extremely dizzy and require 20 minutes of sitting down just to feel at a balance I can cope with.

For the record, I'm 24 and a healthy weight. Ive used MDMA since I was 16, mostly carefully, with the general rule with no more than once a month but it was usually less than that Id say, and I had a 2 year break when my son was born so in total it has been around 6 years of use probably totalling around 40 times but can't say for sure.

Cheers
Hey man, just lurking this thread for the first time in many weeks and thought I'd reply to help you out.

Firstly, the multi drug experience you had on the 7th of January was a hugely stressful event on your body. It sounds obvious, but it's worth being objective. I had an experience similar to yours in August 2014, and intense anxiety when you're really high is like hell but worse. It's logical to assume you're going to experience some negative side effects from it.
You should assume that the negative physical effects you are currently experiencing are a result of that stressful experience, much in the same way that your body would be in a bad way after 5 days without sleep, no food for a week, or something along those lines. Realise that the temptation is to make something really special and scary out of your drug use, but the reality is, there are many activities out there that can mess you up, drugs being one of them. And fortunately, the human body evolved with this is mind, and it is much, much stronger than you might think. So bare this is mind if you find yourself fearful of the "what have I done to myself" thought. Don't jump to conclusions :)

Secondly, realise the one thing that will hamper your recovery more than anything else is your own mind. Your mind is going to come up with some horrible stories about how much you've messed yourself up, the consequences of your perceived foolish mistakes, doubts and fears about when or even if you will recover, among others. So the next thing you need to do is master the mind. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and meditation are a must.

Trust me, in late 2014 I would of done something very drastic without those two things. I am of the firm opinion that ANYONE suffering from the negative effects of drug use will benefit HUGELY from doing work on their mental processes and cognition. Its honestly amazing how much of the world, and yourself, you are unaware of prior to taking up meditation and mindfulness.

You are no doubt obsessing over your physical symptoms, and this will make them far, far worse. You need to catch yourself when you're thinking about things you currently have no power over, and refocus. That's what the meditation is for, to practice doing that. I personally think that MDMA triggers psychosomatic symptoms in many people. In other words, the physical symptoms what people are experiencing during an LTC are not "real" as such, hence the lack of the ability of medical tests to find anything objectively "wrong" with people. However, all because something is mind produced does not necessarily make it "imaginary" to the sufferer, as I know from experience. If it feels real to you, it's real. The trick therefore, is to pull the carpet out from under the illusion, as it were. Acquiring a measure of mastery over the mind is essential in order to do that.

Thirdly, and lastly, don't put a timescale on it. The process of recovery is inevitable provided you do the common sense things (diet, exercise, sleep, abstaining from research chemicals) and will be sped up if you do some consciousness work, but you can't rush it. And it might take a very long time. I still occasionally get some illogical anxiety even now, and I've not touched MDMA since December 31st 2014. However, my life is of a very good quality now, and I rarely think about the dark stuff that was constantly on my mind even less than a year ago. It's amazing how problems fade away when you don't empower them with thought and attention. I try to keep my attention in the present moment, and away from thought, as much as possible. When I do this, I'm joyful and feel powerful. If I dwell on past or future, or become enbroiled in thought, I become fearful and weak.

I wouldn't bother with St Johns wort. I also tried it as one of the many "remedies" that was supposed to fix my broken mind in the early days. Had no effect from what I could tell. Neither did 5HTP. Best thing you can put into your body is a balanced diet. It's tempting to think there's something you can take that's going to sort you out. We have the medical model that is dominant in society to thank for that. However, it's not the case for those with an LTC unfortunately. Some have reported success with prescribed SSRIs, but as many others have reported becoming worse. So it's not worth it

So best thing to do is to relax. Easier said than done I know. But you will eventually get used to it, and before you know it, you're just doing normal things again, and feeling normal.

All the best mate.
 

martainnn

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Joined
Dec 16, 2014
Messages
165
Location
Nottingham
Thank you Cotcha and Shorttermexpert for your replies, and to dawglaw if that was aimed at me!

What you are both saying makes complete sense as I've struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety since I was 15 years old but it's always been managable and I've been able to continue my life through it. It just seems that now I'm struggling with what's happened to me I'm making the situation 10 times worse in my head than it needs to be and I think that night did something evil to me but I've just got to work on it.

After reading your posts, I got out of bed this morning and went and ran 5k and althought I don't feel close to normal, I feel a lot better for it and I guess I just need to keep at it and things will improve.

Cotcha - My sleep has been mostly fine actually up until the last week or 2, I only had one night where my anxiety was that bad I couldn't sleep but apart from that it's just been broken sleep and having some really weird vivid dreams. Last night I slept for 9 hours straight and I felt so much better for it. So at least I can be thankful that I don't have insomnia.

Im not touching any drugs atm and don't plan to ever again. I'm seeing this as a wake up call and time that I moved on from using drugs. Obviously I'll probably enjoy a drink every now and again when I'm recovered but I've never been much of a drinker anyway so that doesn't bother me.

My diet is pretty much on point I'd say, as I'm currently studying nutrition, so I'd like to think that amounts to something haha! Is there anything you'd guys would recommend to add in to my diet, or any specific diets (e.g. vegan, paleo etc) that you guys have had success with?

I'm currently supplementing with vitamin C, magnesium, vitamin D, Vitamin B complex, L-theanine, L-taurine, flaxseed powder, hemp protein and psylium husk powder. I know these things probably don't make a difference but I assume they can't do much damange either.

Again, thanks for your repsonses and I keep updating my progress every few weeks or so.
 

Cotcha Yankinov

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Messages
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Vitamin D is important, and do make sure you get some protein in your diet in some way. It's how you will get L-tryptophan to make serotonin out of.

This definitely sounds very anxiety based, if you are still able to sleep I can assure you that no actual damage has been done :)
 

Halfdome

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 27, 2015
Messages
2
Hey guys,

I'm 10 months in. My only remaining symptom is a strange head-ache around the Trigeminal nerve (primarily Maxillary nerve area, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maxillary_nerve) and some floaters, it gets worse if I focus on small text and when I get tired. As I've been hoping that it is mostly psychological issues remaining so I did try alcohol in small amounts this weekend for the first time in 10 months, but unfortunately felt that the symptoms got a bit worse.. which unfortunately makes sense due to alcohols effect on the central nervous system.

Anyone else with these specific symptoms?

Reading on the topic it seems there are specific treatments for this type of neuropathic pain, e.g. Carbamazepine (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carbamazepine).
Has any one tried that one or any other? If so please share your experiences.
 

Cotcha Yankinov

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 21, 2015
Messages
2,917
Halfdome, be aware you could certainly be experiencing eye strain headaches instead of musculoskeletal headaches. Carbamazepine is a pretty serious medication and would probably slow recovery.
 

Go Easy

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
48
Thanks to those who have helped with their responses and PMs so far.

As a question to those who suffered from a large dose LTC, in what order did your symptoms fade?

My panic attacks were first to go, after about a month
General anxiety now seems to have cleared up for the most part at month 2, although some slight social/situational anxiety remains
Speech problems appear to have resolved around the same time

Still remaining are (in no particular order)
* Depression
* HPPD
* Tinnitus
* Head pressure / headaches
* Memory issues
* Overheating/sweating (although on the improve)
* Dizziness / lightheadedness

I know people will probably be different from case to case, but I feel having a goal of being able to tick off each of these symptoms as they go would really help my outlook, so having an idea about what order people knocked these over may help.

Thinking about having a few drinks this weekend for the first time in ages. A bit scared to be honest that I'll set back my recovery, but at the same time thinking that doing something a bit "normal" may take the focus off the LTC a bit - something I'm essentially thinking of at every waking hour.
 

Go Easy

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
48
As a quick follow-up to the above - had 3 x bottles of 3.8% beer last night. Felt great at the time, woke up at 1.30am in a panicked sweat and feel like I've been hit by a bus this morning with zero motivation. Don't think I'll be trying booze again until things are much better....
 

skeeto222

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 3, 2015
Messages
62
So guys I only want to said something is sad to see some people just trying to get better or normal to keep using mdma.. now I would share what had helped me in. My recovery 1) eat papaya apples bananas 2 )avoid sodas 3) this tea uña de gato 4) tea hierba luisa this is before bed but not to much sometimes only 5) cervical pillow and a support for the back and if anything that helps me I will always post because the symptoms are awful or better to describe horrific but now there's hope take care guys and I wish the best for the recovery.
Will check this out.

For the record it's been exactly six months for me. Finally starting to feel better. Sexual activity has returned. I can jerk off if I want. I feel like I'm not getting as hard as I normally would but at least it works. This has done a lot to help alleviate my anxiety. Nothing freaked me out more than thinking I wouldn't really be able to have sex or have good sex anymore.

So that's improved.

Sleep is still off, but I quit my job and it's getting better. Hard to fall asleep but I am sleeping.

Cognitive things still feel kind of off. I still misspell words sometimes which did not happen before this.

Anxiety has reduced, but still kind of present.

Also I can smoke weed again. For a while smoking weed made me very paranoid and anxious.

All in all I feel about 20 or 30% of how I used to feel, but that's a lot better than feeling 0%.

I still have not taken mushrooms but I plan to in the near future to see if that speeds up recovery.
 

PillsAndKills

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Joined
Mar 6, 2016
Messages
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Manchester, UK
Dawglaw I've read some of your previous responses to other users who've been suffering a LTC and I've got to say we all massively appreciate you helping us all out. Its a pretty noble thing to come back and help once you've gotten through it as I'd imagine most people would just get on with lives after having recovered.

I've just reached the 2 month mark and I'm coping with all my symptoms which have diminished slightly since I started suffering this. The only thing thats really getting me down is memory problems. I will have trouble remembering when I did things in the past week and yesterday will sometimes feel like a week ago. Does this ever improve? I'm generally comfortable with all my symptoms but when I think about how bad my memory has gotten recently it can spur up more anxiety inside me.

All my other symptoms which are getting better but are still present are the usual: mild/moderate anxiety(was severe at first), derealisation, slight cognitive deficits.

I've only used in total 5 times in my life and my last dose was a particularly heavy one which I carelessly took without measuring at any point. Either way after having this problem I've come to the conclusion that my mental health is too precious to even consider trying class A's again.
 
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giovanni557

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Joined
Jun 16, 2015
Messages
94
Will check this out.

For the record it's been exactly six months for me. Finally starting to feel better. Sexual activity has returned. I can jerk off if I want. I feel like I'm not getting as hard as I normally would but at least it works. This has done a lot to help alleviate my anxiety. Nothing freaked me out more than thinking I wouldn't really be able to have sex or have good sex anymore.

So that's improved.

Sleep is still off, but I quit my job and it's getting better. Hard to fall asleep but I am sleeping.

Cognitive things still feel kind of off. I still misspell words sometimes which did not happen before this.

Anxiety has reduced, but still kind of present.

Also I can smoke weed again. For a while smoking weed made me very paranoid and anxious.

All in all I feel about 20 or 30% of how I used to feel, but that's a lot better than feeling 0%.

I still have not taken mushrooms but I plan to in the near future to see if that speeds up recovery.
that's the worst part of it affecting the work.
 

skeeto222

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Joined
Oct 3, 2015
Messages
62
Yeah, it didn't force me to quit my job.

To be frank, I absolutely hated my job before this happened. Had I not been so depressed and looking for release, I probably wouldn't have gotten so fucked up that weekend.

My work was easy...sort of. I was in a call center, and it was stressing me out for a while.

For me the sleep problems have been the most severe symptom of my damage. I was working 8 hour days and only managing to get 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night, and I couldn't nap when I got home. Because of that I left my job as it was just too tiring for me.

I'm going to go on a road trip soon and do some camping. I'm hoping that being out in nature will stimulate my body to heal itself, and also am thinking of taking mushrooms and seeing if that helps. I can smoke weed again, and that is promising, last time I smoked I even almost felt normal for a minute.

Sometimes...sometimes I think what we are dealing with regarding the LTC is an extreme response to stress. I don't mean to say there isn't brain damage, because there very well may be, but there are also others who have taken much more MDMA than we have and have been perfectly fine. I just, I know the brain is incredibly complex, but it baffles me that what is apparently a very small minority of users, has these LTC problems, and most users do not. I know people who have abused mdma far more heavily than I have and they seem perfectly fine. Perhaps with some kind of hard reset we can get back to our normal productive selves. tbh I'm basically devoting my life to figuring out how to do that. This new way of living since that weekend is so not enjoyable.
 

Budal202

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Joined
Nov 13, 2015
Messages
65
Skeeto 222, as always we are in the same line of reasoning. I also believe that all this may be a response to extreme stress. I'm finally starting to improve, but I think it all started long before my abuse of MDMA and other substances. In fact, I believe the abuse itself was a product of my previous problems.

Since I started with self-therapy discovered many things about myself, I realized that because of my childhood I developed a disorganized attachment system, which made me a narcissistic and egocentric person, addicted to influence others, wanting to control everything, imagining all possible future developments in relations with other people, usually negative, seeking acceptance, destroying myself. The theory I'm building shows that it was probably because I had a mother who loved me more than anything in the world, but also had constant emotional problems, as if in a moment she was super loving and made me feel safe, and in another she was simply depressed and angry and I did not know why, and thought it was my fault. To make matters worse my father was a jerk, he used to cheat on her and was a drug user, which caused a lot of stress for the family. Also, my sister was chubby and constantly bullied, she was 4 years older than me, and used to take all the anger and stress on me, then we'd fight, and my mother would be more stressed and have "reactions" that just me traumatized in several ways. My father was always traveling, so my childhood came down on me, my sister and my mother. My mother was overprotective, which hindered my relationship with others.

All this made me avoid my own basic needs of human being, and stay constantly focused on my mother's needs. I did not interact with other people, I just thought if my mother was fine or not. If she was fine, i was fine. Also, my love for my mother was very strong, and hers for me. She used to give me a lot of affection when she was not in a bad day, but was in love with my father, which made the Oedipus complex theory developed by Sigmund Freud happen exactly as he said himself.

This happened at the time when my brain was developing, so I grew as a person who is continuously thinking about how other people will react to what I speak when I do, and seeking to act in ways that will be accepted. Since 15 years I started to smoke marijuana, and find that it was possible to pleasure myself, so I used it as a valve of escape from the reality of pleasing others which was submitted for a long time and started to walk away from my family.

Until the age of 18 when I met a girl and felt in love. She was like my mother, gave me all the love I needed (without the problems of depression), and for two years I was extremely happy. I was completely in love with that girl, and she for me, it was the most beautiful time of my life. (Note: The feeling of love I felt for her was basically the same feeling I had when I used MDMA later). I stoped seeking for acceptance because I had all the love I needed, but it made me start to reveal a side of me that until recently I never realized. I wanted her just for me, I wanted her to devote all the time to me, I was extremely jealous, I was afraid of losing her as I lost my mother to my father. As I've always been a smart person, and she loved me, I could manipulate her to devote all the time for me. This generated a lot of stress, Until, after numerous fights, we broke up.

It was horrible, the sense of feeling alone made me go into a depression for long months. With self-esteem down there, returning to society, gradually I started to look for acceptance of others again, and began to build basically the same image of my father, I fed my ego with that image and felt good, I found refuge in MDMA. I remember the first time I used had the same feeling when I was in love with my ex girlfriend. Everything was perfect, I went out, going to parties, had built a jerk image, I got on well with women, but these problems were hidden, repressed, waiting ... until on a beautiful evening, I abused the substance. After 7 untested pills in one night, mixed with large amounts of alcohol, I messed with my serotonin system.

The next day serotonin was still upstairs, I smoked a joint, everything was great. The other day, during the comedown, my serotonin levels probably got lower to an extreme level, and then I smoked a joint, and after only a few minutes, this was the recipe for the most horrible panic attack of my story. This one panic attack was the trigger for my depersonalization. All these anxiety problems have joined a new horrible trauma. Weed panic attacks are the worst because you really are in an altered state of reality, and I thought I had damaged my brain and I was going crazy.

What do i think today? I think it happened because it should happen. Before all that I had tried to quit smoking marijuana more than 50 times without success. I finally succeeded, I finally began to dedicate myself to exercise, I finally started to leave my ego aside, finally began to seek to satisfy my own needs in a healthy way, look for ways to develop my brain, study, and mainly treat myself.

Do I think that MDMA damaged my brain? It's possible, as well as alcohol. But I found that my LTC is actually a state of depersonalization caused by all of this that i just told you, and a few things more.

Today I can say that I solved almost 100% of my problems like erectile dysfunction, low libido, anxiety and palpitations, fatigue, brain fog. I had hard times with insomnia, and now, under treatment and follow-up of a psychiatrist/psychotherapist, I can sleep. I'm still at the beginning of my recovery, but I finally see the possibility of a better future. Through meditation I accept my reality and develop areas of the brain that involve sincere empathy, through the exercises I can create and stimulate new neurons, through my self-therapy I can stop worrying so much about things.

If there was an damage, it was probably in my memory system, but since I started sleeping better my memory improved a lot, and my cognitive and learning functions, but if I stop to think, since I was 15 when I started smoking pot I didn't devoted time in this regard. If anyone relate to any of these events, please feel free to share information.
 

CashCash

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2016
Messages
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Hello Mates!, im new here just wondering if anybody has any experience with the lowered brain function (for lack of a better word) which comes with extensive MDMA usage
my main concern being weather or not its permanent, thanks!
-Hard time understanding and learning
-Feel really slow
-hard to think almost as if theres a barrier between point a to b
 
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