MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 2)

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JWills20

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Here's a place for anyone suffering to discuss their stories and provide support for each other.

Fire away.
 

Deltronpedro

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imabicycle
"
in some people it manifests as severe depression or cognitive detoriation. However in me it just manifests as extreme physical and mental anxiety. The same is the case for you probably. This usually leaves after some time I am told so don't worry too much (which is impossible with anxiety, I know)."

For me, there is no depression without anxiety i noticed, the last week, when i had a good time.

Other symptoms are still there(DP/DR, tinitus some times, insomnia...) but its good to handle without anxiety destroying your future plans and making you sooo down.
When it kicks in Im affraid of living on like that(everything belongs to studying and planing my future), when it isnt there i think to myself: Well, could be worse. I can handle that.
 

coderbrah

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What does your anxiety? Like what are your fears and thoughts and what do you feel?
 

imabicycle

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Its very physical and also Im very scared I wont get better. Also slight hypochondriac.
 

PJ2

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I'm not sure what ScaredFirstTimer's agenda is, but a large majority of people recover. I guess his own recovery has him down at the moment. As for people taking prescription drugs and recovery, I've stated many times I was having depression problems previous to this LTC and I have taken Paxil in the past. If I have to take a low dosage of Paxil or whatever SSRI forever, I don't care. It may be what I require.

All I can say, is that after the initial two weeks of taking Paxil 6 months into my LTC, virtually all my symptoms disappeared. I go days and days forgetting about the whole LTC issue. When a symptom pops up here and there, it's usually very mild and lasts a couple of hours at most. I've also gone from taking Xanax 2/3 times a week to a few times a month. Most often I take it at night if I am having trouble sleeping.

The bottom line is I'd be very surprised if I have any remaining symptoms after a handful of months from now. I'm at 8 months currently.

By the way, I am still perplexed as to why people want to suffer when there are medications that can help. I guess it is the stigma attached to some of these drugs. FYI, people that are diagnosed with physical brain damage are often treated with these drugs as well. Why? Because they relieve symptoms and help balance brain chemicals. I know two war veterans like this and they live pretty normal lives and they are much worse off than we are from what I can tell. Their neurologists can actually see the damage on scans whereas nobody in here has that problem.
 

Deltronpedro

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What does your anxiety? Like what are your fears and thoughts and what do you feel?
I will move in one week to my flat share again, was living at my parents house since the ltc started. Im afraid of not managing living on my own and passing out when beein alone and stuff like that.
When anxiety isnt there its absolutely no problem, i mean i was used to live alone before this shit. But anxiety makes me scared of future, the past and thoughts in my head, like what if i go crazy, what if i dont manage that whole shit..., etc
 

MasterMinded

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@imabicycle
In the other thread you stated that firstbadcomedown didn't recover, I can tell you that this is not true. I have had contact with firstbadcomedown several times the past year and while I won't go in to detail because of privacy he did recover (not saying 100%, but he is enjoying life again so).
 

imabicycle

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for me recovery means complete disappearance of symptoms so that's why I didn't count him. I appreciate how much better he has gotten though. And about not taking medication Rphilli, as it was quite the miracle cure for you I understand you feel frustrated about it but there are a lot of people on bluelight, especially severe cases that have really bad experiences with srri's and the likes. Also some nasty side effects can happen. So yea I will rather sit this one out. I didn't have mental issues before this so I feel like I probably won't need them if ever I get back to baseline. Cheers.
 

PJ2

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for me recovery means complete disappearance of symptoms so that's why I didn't count him. I appreciate how much better he has gotten though. And about not taking medication Rphilli, as it was quite the miracle cure for you I understand you feel frustrated about it but there are a lot of people on bluelight, especially severe cases that have really bad experiences with srri's and the likes. Also some nasty side effects can happen. So yea I will rather sit this one out. I didn't have mental issues before this so I feel like I probably won't need them if ever I get back to baseline. Cheers.

Not saying it's for everyone, but you can't knock it until you try it. I was as sick as anyone in here for 6 months or so. I was improving, but very slowly. After an initial 2 weeks during which I got sicker, I improved drastically taking ssri's. You do realize that what you are experiencing is a chemical imbalance in your brain that these drugs are designed to help? Ride it out if you wish.
 

imabicycle

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You see what it also is for me I see staying away of AD's as a way for my to finally prove myself this is by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I want to prove to myself I am strong and can fix this shit without outside help. I know this maybe sounds a bit twisted but I have suffered for seven months now and I sorta feel like it would be a waste of the efford to give in now. If ever 12 months (that means 5 more) I see no improvement I will start taking ssri's.
 

me2point0

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Mar 23, 2014
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This is probably one of my last post about the comedown itself on this thread. It's positive don't worry. It's an opinon so feel free to ignore it.

Sometimes I have chest pains that feel like someone is scraping on my thorax with some x-men claws and anxiety doesn't really cause that KIND of pain. It scares me, what's going on? Help me bluelight, help me google. My brachial artery at the level of my left elbow HURTS sometimes. I no longer have brain fog though. I have this, that, that and this, maybe this too, or that and that. I don't have this anymore, and not this either.

Stop

It have said this twice now probably and i'm posting this to reach out to newcommers too since it's a new thread. Let go. It's hard. Might take you a year or two weeks, it may require medication and help, or it may not. But even if all of this life-ruining stuff you have is proven not to be life-long. You can't change it. One of the happiest moment of your life is the moment you will be able to let go of things you can't change. That's why so many of us take alcohol, meds and drugs again to escape our condition.

When you feel a symptom rising, what's the point of fighting it off. I've never seen someone punch the flu in the face so it goes away. If you live like it's not there and you know, deep inside, that nobody can get rid of it overnight, one day you will actually TRY to feel the symptoms again and they won't be there, I promise, alright?

The only reason you feel like your cognitive abilities are gone is that when you try to do calculate something or whatever, you put your condition, your symptoms or your brain fog in the equation. Isolate the x and you'll find the answer about this thing we have.

There is part phyical and part mental about what we have. You don't deserve it, as much as I don't. I got this on my first roll. And i'm not even mad. You are young, your brain is a hunk of plastic. Science has proven over the last few years that the way you think, the way you feel and look at things, dirrectly modifies your brain, PHYSICALLY. Like some fucking playdoe.

I'm repeating myself again, saying bunch of useless stuff you probably don't believe to be true. Worked for me. If everyday you jump with bricks tied to your legs, and compare yourself to the others you will feel like crap, but if you keep doing it like there aren't anything holding you back, over and over again, the god damn day, THAT fucking day, where they won't be there, you will jump over houses, not looking back. It's your mind, your brain, your life. Not the other way around.

Go out there, struggle, live, have fun. Evolve later.

ALWAYS REMEMBER: Remember that Magikarp? This useless junk pokemon? He struggles, thats his only move. He can only "splash". But after the struggle, he evolves. Then this little garbage becomes a fucking Gyarados.

I hope this gives a little hope if you are in the dark. Good luck with yourself bluelighters, you'll be fine.

Much love,

-Félix
 

ro4eva

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ScaredFirstTimer, I read your previous post regarding your observations about people who have supposedly recovered not posting about it, and also that you do not consider those who are still using medication to be recovered.

I feel the need for a rebuttal, as I have a feeling you're thinking about me, as I happen to be on medications for other issues.

When my so-called Long Term Comedown started back in June 2005, I was experiencing about 20 symptoms which were severe in scope, and seriously affecting my ability to function whatsoever.

The symptoms in question were as follows:

- chronic cognitive impairment (or brain fog)
- chronic uncomfortable awareness of heartbeat throughout entire body (especially when sitting or laying down)
- chronic depersonalization (felt as if my body wasn't my own)
- chronic derealization (a noticeable alteration in the perception of the world around me)
- feeling of heaviness when standing (it always got temporarily worse whenever I'd be doing aerobic and/or resistance exercises)
- frequent numbness and tingling sensations (almost always in my hands and feet)
- sudden (but occasional and very short lasting) vertigo (very severe, but would last only a second or two at most)
- chronic difficulty concentrating/focusing (mainly due to the brain fog, I'm thinking)
- chronic low energy & easily fatigued upon physical exertion (perhaps due to adrenal fatigue, but not sure)
- chronic headache (it would frequently alternate from the back of my head to my forehead, and sometimes behind my eyes)
- frequent vivid dreams (frequently disturbing due to vividness)
- chronic depression (due to the circumstances which I found myself in)
- chronic anxiety (I was already suffering from severe anxiety far before this happened)
- frequent (very severe) panic attacks (I was experiencing panic attacks far before this happened, but less intense)
- chronic paranoia (began to think irrational thoughts about my LTC being the result of a curse)
- chronic insomnia (was suffering from infrequent, occasional bouts of insomnia far before this happened, but it was never chronic)
- chronic shortness of breath (was suffering from this far beforehand, but wasn't chronic until the LTC - anxiety related)
- frequent mood swings (heavily influenced by anxiety/panic issues + the LTC)
- frequent (almost chronic) tinnitus (to this day, I have no solid idea why I was experiencing this symptom, but perhaps it could have been due to hypertension due to stress/anxiety/paranoia)
- chronic digestion issues (irritable bowel, colitis, nausea - again, not sure why I was experiencing this - perhaps because there are serotonin receptors in and around the gut?)

After about 6 months of trying to recover unsuccessfully without resorting to the use of prescription medication, I became very frustrated and went the medication route.

It took 2 different antidepressants - both of which I am now off of for more than 7 years - to get the above symptoms to go away for good.

It also took the use of 1 minor tranquilizer to help with the short term mitigation of anxiety/panic/paranoia - until the antidepressant kicked in.

That said, I opted to remain on the minor tranquilizer because I also have other issues which I've been dealing with for almost my entire life, and because I found that it really helps to quickly stem any PTSD-related symptoms as well (but it's not a cure, simply a band-aid effect. As a child, I experienced things which I will not share on a public forum, but which caused me a lot of long term grief and stress, which has manifested itself into severe anxiety, Panic Disorder, and PTSD. And this is the reason why I used recreational drugs in the first place.

Just to make sure that the minor tranquilizer wasn't also having a band-aid effect upon any LTC-related symptoms, I repeatedly stopped using it for periods of 4-6 and 6-8 weeks, and the symptoms did not come back at all, I swear on a stack of Bibles.

I would have remained off of the minor tranquilizer for good, however, my PTSD-related symptoms - which are mainly vivid flashbacks combined with intrusive thoughts, and which manifest themselves into severe anxiety/panic/paranoia - unfortunately returned completely.

So, until I manage to find a way to deal with my PTSD without having to resort to the use of the minor tranquilizer, I'd much rather remain on it, at the same low dose.

I am currently engaged in sessions with a psychologist, and we are using various alternative medicine techniques such as CBT, AMSR, and Mindfulness in order to make progress. And progress has been made, but not nearly enough yet for me to consider stopping the minor tranquilizer for good.

Also, as far as others who have recovered possibly not caring about helping others, or perhaps too busy to do so goes - at least you can relate to others about this issue. And at least some of us are trying to help best we can. Not everyone is gonna stick around once they feel better. Not everyone wants to spend their time helping others - that's reality, unfortunately.

A decade ago, no one on Bluelight knew what I, or probably anyone else who was suffering from the same thing was dealing with. And the same went with many other similar sites on the net. The loneliness and hopelessness I felt after realizing that I was basically on my own with this debilitating issue was increased exponentially because I couldn't find anyone else who could relate.

I searched for about a year and nothing. The usual response I'd get would be something along the lines of, "you must be really sensitive," and that if I "couldn't deal with this shit, then I'm gonna fail at life." Very helpful and encouraging indeed.
 

imabicycle

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Jun 4, 2014
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Does it mean you made no progress in this 7 month?
Well yes. But I am a delayed onset case which means it first slowly got worse instead of hitting me just from one day to the next. Now it has been at its worst for like 5 months. I am still quite sure it is the drugs cause I don't really have other stressors in my life and I have never been anxious before. Apart from that I am not anxious about everyday things like school or sumthing. I am only intensely scared about my mental wellfare and the fear itself. Also an hypochondriac. But anyways the delayed onset means first it had to get worse before it gets better (its kinda stable now). So I guess that means the getting better starts a bit later you know. This hasn't been an upward track as for most but more of a downward track. Which is sometimes really depressing. Still if I may so myself I have handled this quite well. Being one of the worst cases (anxiety wise anyways, I doubt except maybe coder there's anyone who is as much physically fucked up from the anxiety) I have always gone to school and spend a lot of time in public transport and such. I feel like if I just keep on going one day it almost has to get better you know. Cheers mate.
 

ScaredFirstTimer

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Dec 15, 2013
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Hi Ro.

I wasn't thinking of you specifically when I wrote that post, as there are other guys currently on meds too that are considered recovered on here. And I'm not saying they're not. I'm not saying you're not. I remember posts you've written about your recovery earlier (I remember a lot from this forum) and I find your recovery very comforting. But I can't identify with your recovery completely because I've never been on medication or had any issues my entire life. I know you are currently on multiple medications, granted for unrelated issues, and because of that I can't identify completely with your story. I hope this isn't offending in any way, it's just a fact, and the standard I hold for my recovery is relative to my prior state. This will be different for everybody. I know you recovered all the LTC-related symptoms, but it's still hard for me to relate completely.

Now, regarding the post I wrote a few days ago. I realize that the point about the ratio of recovered users was uneccasary to make. However, I still believe that saying that everybody recovers no matter what is a fairy tale. Obviously there is no point to keep arguing this, so I'll let it go. I'm just the type of dude that would rather know all the facts however dim, and see what I can do from there. I don't want to turn into some of the guys from an earlier bluelight epoch that used to straight up tell guys that there wasn't any hope and that they had brain damage.

I believe there is much hope, and this is based on the stories, however few, that we've seen on this site. Including yours Ro.

It's also true that I've hit a rough patch again in my recovery, and it's got me depressed. Actually, the most depressed I've been since very early in my comedown, but it seems to be a rather rational depression. In the beginning my depression was brutal and existential. At that point I would still have been depressed despite winning the lottery. I'm not like that now. I'm just sad that I still have to keep fighting like this. Work is suddenly very hard again, and I'm thinking about how long I can actually keep fighting at work day after day after day.
 
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BlackSoCal

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Sep 29, 2014
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Horrible Ecstasy Comedown: PLEASE HELP ME

Hey Everyone,
I've been wanting to get on here for a very long time for advice but I was going through the some of the worst weeks of my life. I know this will be quite long, but if you have spare time, I will greatly appreciate if you can get back to me. PLEASE!

I'm currently 20 years old, weigh 135, and did ecstasy three days in a row from the dates June 21-23 (EDC in Vegas), since then I've been going through the worst. Some background info regarding my use: I've probably done x about a good 30+ times in the last 4-5 years. These past two years I've done it 4-5 times (1 month-4months apart). I've never had bad comedowns except ALL the past few times I've done it. Taking it back to March 2013, I had a severe panic attack after a few hours (pressed pill), I went to sleep and it was gone the next day. Late June (EDC 2013) I did it 3 days in a row and was fine ("mdma" capsules). Late September I did it again and was fine, except I would have mild anxiety for the next two weeks. Late October I used x again and had mild anxiety and felt psychotic for the next few days. I did it again the next week where I had pretty bad anxiety and psychosis, it took me two weeks to feel "normal again", and even then, I still had anxiety attacks here and there for the next four months. I remember telling my ex-gf how I felt completely "back to normal" during the first week of Feb. Well, the next week around Valentine's Day I got really drunk and did x (had never mixed), I felt normal within a few days, but the anxiety attacks were still there up until my next use (why I'm here).

So four months later on June 12, I had just finished final exams for school, so I got very little sleep a week prior due to studying. Well I got all four wisdom teeth pulled out and I got put on an anti-biotic and I took 800mg of Ibuprofen 3x a day for a 7 days. Throughout this week I hardly ate, and when I did it was only applesauce and yoghurt (I dropped 8 pounds...in a week!) On June 19th, (my head still hurt a lot from the oral surgery) I got my stitches removed, so I had two open sores on my mouth. That day I left to Vegas with friends, I felt sick the whole way (probably from not eating the past week). I felt nausea, sick, hungry, I just wanted to go home and sleep, but I had planned this trip for so long and school was finally over! My summer was just starting..

That day, I tried eating but I felt sick, so I hardly ate again. That night, I tried drinking (had one shot and one beer), but I felt WAY too tired so I went to sleep (me and some friends had rented out a house). After 10 minutes of sleeping I said "fuck that" and went to the strip with some friends, as soon as getting there I felt my body could take no more, I went to the car to sleep. We finally went home and slept.

The next day, Friday June 21, first day of EDC, I took one "mdma capsule", well some friends didn't fell anything, I felt like it was some sort of drug, but definitely not mdma, well i got really tired three hours in and left with a friend back home, where i slept fine. The next day, I took two pressed pills ( one was supposed to be speed-based and I forgot what the other one was). Well, I felt really really fucked up, but again, my luck.. it was not mdma, it was some other BS! I had really bad anxiety and i felt completely psychotic hours later. When we got home, something "hit me" and I got extreme paranoia and I wanted to call 911, but didn't and it lessened but never completely went away. All I had really been eating the past two days was applesauce and cereal. Well the last day, I didn't want to go, but did, and i bought some random "molly" that was in rock form, that I know was NOT MDMA because of effects. I was dancing and it literally hit me 15 minutes in (I was on an empty stomach), I had to sit down because I couldn't handle it (NEVER happened to me before), I felt these STRONG RUSHES, I felt like something extremely cold or hot laying with immense pressure on my heart, I thought I was going to collapse. A friend rocked my body, and I completely passed out for a few seconds, but came back. This is where I promised and made a vow to myself that I would never do drugs again. After an hour I was finally able to get up, and for the rest of the night I just felt weird.

That same day (Monday Morning) we were supposed to be out of the house by 1 PM. So I got a hotel on the strip and just slept the whole day. My friends got food but I couldn't eat, I just slept.. Tuesday morning I was heading back home but I couldn't handle driving so my friend drove. I believe my body was at a detrimental point where any type of responsibility or activity would make it give out.

Tuesday afternoon I had to go to a funeral, and that night I was finally able to eat! The next few days I felt really really great, but NOT normal, I felt good but I had no moods whatsoever, I was just eating all day literally, like I never have before. I was waking up at 3-4 AM and eating ALOT. This went on for two weeks, and then it hit me. Thank goodness I only worked Saturday and Sunday the entire Summer. Well on July 5th, I crashed HARD, AT WORK... (I'm a busser at a restaurant) I became extremely tired and I got the worst panic attack. I made it through work and at home my heart just started pounding fast it was weird and it took hours to finally calm. The next day July 6th, I got panic attack after panic attack and each one was just as bad as the first one. I though I would have to call 911 each time but somehow made it through, the next few days leading up to July 10th, it only got worser and worser. I finally went to the ER thinking I was going to die. Everyone found out about my drug usage including my parents. Well, they sent me home, and told me it was just anxiety.

The next day, I got the usual effects of ecstasy comedowns that people usually get the day after taking it, not two weeks later like in my case... I felt completely psychotic, disoriented, depersonalized, I couldn't sleep, I had bad chest pain, my vision got bad, I felt like i was just "floating" everywhere, I felt like I wasn't myself and as if my brain got shot, my head hurt sooooo bad, it literally felt like someone had layed me on the street, OPENED MY SKULL, and THEN ran over my brain a few times. The left side of my head became numb. On top of that, I was on a 24/7 anxiety attack. My digestive system was completely thrown off track, probably due to all of the anxiety. For an entire MONTH, I was like this.. I wanted to kill myself. I promised myself I would never do that though because my parents had already lost a child, so that was not an option. My schedule for that month: Wake up at 11-12 pm, eat, go back to sleep, get up exercise a little, eat, watch tv, go to sleep, and weekends I worked nights and I have no clue how I survived.

Finally, after a month, I could take it no more. SOMETHING was wrong, I was sure it was a brain tumor or aneurysm. I wanted to go to the doctor but I could barely go outside or even eat with my family, I felt like that was too much to handle. One day my mom asked me to water the trees outside. I remember thinking "what is she thinking", "I could barely eat", "why is she doing this to me" IT WAS THAT SERIOUS. Well, even though I had a bad migraines (had them at least 5 times a week) I did it and I felt like I could do stuff. I think I was able to handle going to the doctors and wait in the waiting room. The next day I went to the doctors and I was given Ativan, which I took two nights in a row, and that was the best nights sleep I had had for a long time. I was referred to a cardiologist and neurologist. Overall, I had a Chest X-rays, CT Brain Scan, Blood Tests, Ultrasound, Stress Test, but everything came back normal. I went to a homeopathic doctor and they gave me vitamins to take. FINALLY, around August 20th, I felt like "I came back to myself" the psychotic, "floating around", "just there", empty feeling went away. The headaches/migraines started to hurt less. But the Anxiety/Panic attacks are just the same.

I KILLED my summer, after that Vegas trip I WENT OUT ONE TIME, to a friends party where I got there, felt sick, and went home. Besides that, I stayed at home and went to work. I couldn't even handle going to the park, or walking around the block. Today, September 29, I still have left-head numbness (but not as much as before), bad headaches, my vision still bad, I feel psychotic at times but it goes away fast, my learning/cognitive abilities are alright, but I still have EXTREME anxiety. A week ago, I felt like I was beginning to get significantly better but the problem is I started school this past Thursday, Sep. 25, and I could barely handle being in the classroom, I don't know if I can handle the learning/tests. It's my senior year and I don't know what to do. I feel I MIGHT be able to handle it if I have Benzo's to take every day I have school. It's only Tues and Thurs from 12-10pm. But even then, I struggle to eat. I feel like I'm about to go into depression because of this situation and I don't know what to do.. Has it really come to this? To the point where I have to drop a quarter (maybe longer) cause I'm that stupidified by drugs..? How can this happen to me? I enjoy school so much and I've strived to maintain a 3.9 GPA. I used to have such a bright future and I feel that all of that is gone now.

I need advice on how I should handle this matter. If I dropped this quarter, I feel I might be able to continue on my path of "significantly getting better", but because I'm dropping, I'm scared I'll fall into depression. If I decide to continue school I WILL need an SSRI or Benzo's to keep me in school, but I am sure I will not get good grades like I'm used to. I will try my best but considering the circumstances, I'm looking at getting C's or possibly failing my classes.

Also, after seeing the neurologist, they prescribed me Depakote, but that was mainly for migraines, I took it three days in a row and started having strange feelings and thoughts, should I still take it? I can handle the headaches on my own, but I know that Depakote helps restore the normal balance of neurotransmitters.

PLEASE HELP ME.
 

Tpchan85

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 1, 2014
Messages
85
I'm afraid I can't offer much advice seeing as I am in nearly the same situation. I started to get panic attacks from my stimulant use and kept going. The result was very similar to yours, for 3 days after my last roll I felt not unhappy but emotionless and then I got heart palpitations and the panic attacks started. Over the next 4 weeks my life devolved into one gigantic panic attack, I had 4 ER trips and a trip to a cardiologist who detected arrhythmia but couldn't find a reason for it. I felt borderline psychotic, derealized, suicidal etc and spent my days playing video games barely leaving the house.

Well I'm 6 months down the road from then, I was forced to drop back a year at college but I'm finally on the upturn. The panic attacks left about month 4 and the horrible tormenting derealization about a month ago. I still have bad muscle spasms and things so am awaiting another trip to the doctor. My situation was complicated by the fact I had some signs of malnutrition and from what you say this could certainly be the case for you also. Get a copy of your bloodwork and do some research into things like Iron, vitamin B12, folate, vitamin D and magnesium; doctors often will not look at a blood test unless its flagged as not normal meaning you could be 1 point over the low range, enough to cause symptoms but the doctors will miss it (as happened to me). Since I have treated my malnutrition issues my symptoms have begun to lift. It sounds like a load of crap but B12 especially is serious shit and causes multiple sclerosis symptoms if you are deficient. Don't take these before knowing if you are deficient though.

I have come to the decision that I will take an SSRI if my symptoms remain after treating these problems. If an SSRI can help you remain active and positive about your situation then do it. Take it from me you don't recover from this by sitting inside and letting it envelop you.
 

ro4eva

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Nov 8, 2004
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Hi Ro.

I wasn't thinking of you specifically when I wrote that post, as there are other guys currently on meds too that are considered recovered on here. And I'm not saying they're not. I'm not saying you're not. I remember posts you've written about your recovery earlier (I remember a lot from this forum) and I find your recovery very comforting. But I can't identify with your recovery completely because I've never been on medication or had any issues my entire life. I know you are currently on multiple medications, granted for unrelated issues, and because of that I can't identify completely with your story. I hope this isn't offending in any way, it's just a fact, and the standard I hold for my recovery is relative to my prior state. This will be different for everybody. I know you recovered all the LTC-related symptoms, but it's still hard for me to relate completely.
Hey, thanks for the reply :)

Then I apologize for believing that you were thinking of me - I stand corrected.

And point taken: You cannot completely relate to me because we don't share a common past (pre-LTC) as you have not been on any medication or had any issues.

I don't feel offended, but thanks for touching upon that - I appreciate it.

Now, regarding the post I wrote a few days ago. I realize that the point about the ratio of recovered users was uneccasary to make. However, I still believe that saying that everybody recovers no matter what is a fairy tale. Obviously there is no point to keep arguing this, so I'll let it go. I'm just the type of dude that would rather know all the facts however dim, and see what I can do from there. I don't want to turn into some of the guys from an earlier bluelight epoch that used to straight up tell guys that there wasn't any hope and that they had brain damage.
It's true that not everyone recovers. Sadly, one individual apparently ended up committing suicide due to a long, unimproved LTC, which is very tragic in my opinion.

While not everyone may end up recovering, I absolutely - without a doubt - believe that with the right treatment plan, anyone can recover.

What is the right treatment plan? Well, considering we're all unique - or 'wired' differently - I think this also means that what worked for one individual may not for someone else.

Although I can completely understand why it's done, choosing to continue to consume recreational mind altering substances (especially those which are clandestinely synthesized) during an LTC may further deepen hole which the sufferer needs to climb out of to get back to his or her normal state.

Telling people straight up that there isn't any hope for them (even if it is - for example - regarding a terminal illness) is a little too frank in my opinion.

Did you know that people who have suffered from concussions report similar symptoms (brain fog, DP/DR, etc.) to us? AFAIK, concussions typically do result in a significant amount of brain cells being killed. I bring this up because it may eventually help you somehow (or not), who knows?

I believe there is much hope, and this is based on the stories, however few, that we've seen on this site. Including yours Ro.

It's also true that I've hit a rough patch again in my recovery, and it's got me depressed. Actually, the most depressed I've been since very early in my comedown, but it seems to be a rather rational depression. In the beginning my depression was brutal and existential. At that point I would still have been depressed despite winning the lottery. I'm not like that now. I'm just sad that I still have to keep fighting like this. Work is suddenly very hard again, and I'm thinking about how long I can actually keep fighting at work day after day after day.
You're probably feeling really stressed out, yes?

Assuming you are, and even though we're not very alike in our past, a found that a stress-free environment was pretty much essential in order for me to make progress. Even with the medication I was on, a stressful day could easily disrupt my sleep patterns, diet, exercise schedule, anxiety/depression severity, and more. It would just throw everything out of wak. It would make chaos out of whatever order I managed to scrunge together.

Now I know that you most likely can't just spontaneously stop going to work, but perhaps some doctor-approved time away from work (if possible) could help? Or not.

Furthermore, I'm not sure if you're a religious man, but there's also prayer if you feel that's an option.

I refuse to give up on you, or anyone else. There is a way out of this for you where you get back to feeling like your old self again.
 

BlackSoCal

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 29, 2014
Messages
2
Thanks for your reply, I was fearing I wrote too much for anyone to read. This really sucks, I could have never figured something like this would ever happen to me. Like it REALLY EFFIN SUCKS. I will ask for a copy of blood work and definitely look into those vitamins.

I also found that talking about it with others makes me feel better, at least for some time. For a time I was eating a lot, but due to the severe anxiety, I get really bad stomach cramps and it is constantly upset up to the point where my mouth becomes dry and I have a complete loss of appetite. But I force myself as much as I can sometimes. Worst thing about this is that I am suffering for a few days of rolling that I did not even enjoy.

Sorry to hear about you dropping back a year of college, I'm going to give it another week, depending on how I feel I might drop this quarter. Either way, I am gonna try my best to maintain myself busy and active.
 

ScaredFirstTimer

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2013
Messages
317
You're probably feeling really stressed out, yes?
I'm not feeling the stress directly, but still, yeah, I think I am. I had a long break during the summer (8 weeks), and before that I had some smaller one week breaks here and there, and I always felt very good during the breaks. During summer I felt more or less recovered on many occasions, though I had to abstain completely from alcohol and caffeine.

When I started working again I got a little stressed out, but after about a week I mellowed out, and work has been very good for about a month. I woke up and felt GOOD every day at work! It was like I had my life back for a while. I could do my job 100% and I felt so happy and invigorated every morning going to work.

Recently I feel like my state at work has deteriorated, and right now I just feel like shit every day again. What I'm starting to worry about is that I'm doomed to this kind of fluctuating state my entire life. It's probably not true though, but I'm closing in on one year and that's a long time to have some of my specific symptoms. And when they re-emerge full force out of nowhere it's easy to lose hope.

Some time off work would do me good, and it is probably possible through the medical system in my country, but I just don't want to yet. I'll see what happens. If my condition continues to deteriorate I'll have to do it.
 
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