Venting Man, I've been fucking up

[Nurse Ratched]

This has been my downfall every time. I have all the motivation and desperation to get sober, I do so and my life gets better,

Then life begins to take priority, my girlfriend, work, the gym, etc become more important than recovery. I forget where I came from quick when just months ago I was dying from withdrawal.

Some of the withdrawals I have put myself through have been nothing short of traumatic. But the brain is trained to forget pain and recall pleasure. I forget the sweats, I forget the pain, the anxiety, the insomnia, the yawning and tears…

And further and further I drift from AA and meetings and recovery as I work overtime and spend my free time fucking around with girls.

Eventually a drink sounds like a good idea, especially if women are involved, and I begin to sneak drinks and sleep out more often to avoid breathalyzers or chances of getting caught.

Once I’ve started using or drinking, there’s no stopping for me. It lights the flame that cannot be extinguished without severe resistance.

I tell everyone around me I’m good, life’s good I’m sober but deep inside I am slowly dying a spiritual death as my conscious mind struggles to justify what I’m doing.

I suppress the fact that deep down I know I’m fucked and it’s a matter of time before a needle is in my arm, my bank account is drained and I’m alone, isolated, and fucked.

And I repeat this cycle over and over and over again never recognizing that my condition is terminal and progressive and without true sobriety and constant treatment I’m fucked beyond a reasonable doubt.

Just my 2 cents.

Print this, highlight it with neon orange, and tuck it on your bedroom mirror. Or your fridge.

You just perfectly explained your addiction and all the things you hate about it. When your hate become greater than your love ( of using ) that mindset will tilt ( like a pin ball machine ) and then things don't seem so dark. You just don't hate it enough yet. You are close because your words say so. Real close. Your brain will always tells you it wants pleasure. You don't always have to give it what it wants.

Shits hard man. I get it. Just don't quit trying. Don't settle for being how you are now for the rest of your days. Fuck that. You're better than that.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Hey @deficiT, while you have not yet achieved perfection I think you have a lot to be proud of in the insights you’ve gained and the work you’ve done on yourself after that last jail stint.

From what others have posted on this thread it’s so clear that we many are all so alike in how we let our lives unravel again and again even when everything seems to be going good and we are well aware of what will happen if we have even a little drink, sniff, shot, puff or whatever.

I think about this all the time because my life is perpetually on a razors edge where losing everything seems like a 50/50 chance most days. I have absolutely nothing to complain about in life, just about all the material things I want, a great apartment, a degree of respect from people in my field of work, pretty good health, my looks (mostly), a huge amount of personal freedom. So many people must look at my life and wish they had it. And getting it was hard. I never went to prison (though I deserved to) but I was bankrupted, couch surfing, sectioned, and at total rock bottom more than once and had to fight my way back:

Yet every other day it feels pointless and worthless and I realise I just want to get high. Even if I fight the feeling every third day or so I do get high one way or another. And every time I do I put everything good in my life at risk because I’m incoherently fucked up and can’t meet any commitments or responsibilities to any one.

After cycling through this many times over 30 years I think what drives it is a lack of emotional connectedness to other people and therefore always being lonely and also never feeling that I have meaningful purpose in the world. I’m just killing time wastefully and pointlessly until my time is up.

I don’t know about your life, but I think these two things are the drivers of self-destruction for lots of us. We’ve learned that getting high takes away the feeling of being trapped and alone in a meaningless life.

If we only knew how to really connect with people in a healthy way and could find a way to feel we actually mattered in the world I think we would soon become much less self-destructive.

Excellent post.

 

[deficiT]

If we only knew how to really connect with people in a healthy way and could find a way to feel we actually mattered in the world I think we would soon become much less self-destructive.

I definitely think you're on to something here. The isolation kills so silently, and once you're in those patterns it becomes more and more difficult to escape them. But yeah, I believe if I could only form some more genuine connections with people, I'd be better off. But it doesn't seem to necessarily be working out. Idk. I made a new friend on here that I'm going to a dubstep show with tonight. Maybe that'll be a good friendship. I'm certainly open to making new friends and definitely open to having a relationship, it's just difficult to do those things in my current living situation. I can't exactly have visitors or do the things I like to do.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I definitely think you're on to something here. The isolation kills so silently, and once you're in those patterns it becomes more and more difficult to escape them. But yeah, I believe if I could only form some more genuine connections with people, I'd be better off. But it doesn't seem to necessarily be working out. Idk. I made a new friend on here that I'm going to a dubstep show with tonight. Maybe that'll be a good friendship. I'm certainly open to making new friends and definitely open to having a relationship, it's just difficult to do those things in my current living situation. I can't exactly have visitors or do the things I like to do.

I live alone and rarely talk to anyone. Partly because of Covid but mainly because I’ve become so self-isolated since my last relationship ended about 3 years ago.

Unfortunately though I’m not mentally in the right state to be trying to find a serious relationship with a woman. I’m still hugely confused about who I really am after that almost 2 year meth binge I only stopped maybe 2 months ago.

However, I have recently begun to look differently at what the casual interactions I have with people mean to me. Because of my dog I’m always bumping into strangers around my suburb. It used to annoy the fuck out of me that that they thought my dog was an invitation to intrude on my time.

For the last few months though I’ve started to cherish these small connections. Especially one’s where I pass the same person regularly at a certain time and place. It blew my mind to realise that if I smiled at these people and said hello it brightened their day and in most cases caused them to reciprocate with some small gesture of friendliness.

Like yesterday I was at the supermarket and asked a lady there if she was in the line. I was open and smiling and she started some casual banter while we waited. Then she waited until I paid so we could continue the chat as we walked to the carpark. A year ago I would have never even noticed her and probably ignored her if she’d done the same thing. Now, it really made my day and made me feel like a really normal functional person.

My point is that there is probably no need to worry too much about finding deep friendships or relationships with the opposite sex if you just approach every interaction no matter how small in an open friendly way. It’s quite amazing what comes back at you if you do.

I lack the something (energy, confidence, skill, desire - I’m not sure) to convert any of these small connections into an actual friendship, but I have the feeling that when I am ready they are where I will begin one.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

I feel ya. Sometimes it be like that. I really dont have much advice since I dont perfectly know your situation but.... FUCK GOD COMPLEX

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

yea same here - i don't have much advice to throw up on here, but you have my number if you ever feel the need to chat

we're co-commissioners

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

Not sure if I missed it if someone has already posted this, but phenibut is a subtle experience. Nothing that will get one blasted or whatever. If ya find that dose and are in public situation ya just notice that there is less angst if one is anxious by nature and able to "keep up" with what is going on in your surroundings without issues.
Subtle. Kinda like subtitles of kratom. Ya may not get "high" but ya may notice that mood isn't as "down" and pains are less. Not the same as kratom but the effects are subtle is where I was goin with this.
At any rate: I hope you are better and please be careful?
Peace

 

[deficiT]

Not sure if I missed it if someone has already posted this, but phenibut is a subtle experience. Nothing that will get one blasted or whatever. If ya find that dose and are in public situation ya just notice that there is less angst if one is anxious by nature and able to "keep up" with what is going on in your surroundings without issues.
Subtle. Kinda like subtitles of kratom. Ya may not get "high" but ya may notice that mood isn't as "down" and pains are less. Not the same as kratom but the effects are subtle is where I was goin with this.
At any rate: I hope you are better and please be careful?
Peace

Yeah, it's in my very nature to learn everything the hard way.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

it's in my very nature to learn everything the hard way.

Ditto, here.
I seem to learn more from my "mistakes" that "successes" if that makes any sense... sure it does.
Ya can tell me that jumping from the bridge would hurt me and I will be the one who say, "Me first!" and see if it is true. Kinda an extreme example but Imma weird fuck anyway.
Be easy and stay with us brother.
Always

 

[MountainTrails]

Like every addicts great obsession, it's also my dream to one day be able to use again.

But I've gone through this pattern before. I start to think I can use again, and then all of a sudden my life is in shambles once more. I don't know what to do.

The advice I took to heart worked for me, and I'm sure you've heard it from someone. Basically, be wary of euphoric recall, and try not to minimize the trainwreck moments in your drug use that landed you in your current circumstances. We like to forget painful things, and to push off to the side uncomfortable facts that get in the way of what we want to do.

 

[neversickanymore]

Deficit.. look at where you are at right fkn now. Your on paper, allowed to use pretty nice drugs that are probably paid for by your insurance, accepted back into school and have direction in your life.

WHY FUCK THIS UP??, Fuck it your being an idiot. so your not capable yet of thinking for yourself.

Do you want to return to where you were? It was so nice the first time you were going to kill yourself.. maybe they redecorated?

Do you want to return to where it got you? Fucking incarnation is awful shit and if you end up back in a pod you would trade your right nut for any of the following.. a real hamburger, a vivan, a fuck, a pillow, a paycheck or how about both nuts if I never have to talk with anyone in the criminal justice system.

if you can’t instantly scribble a gratitude list at this point your looking at everything the wrong way.

What’s wrong with the drugs your already taking? Stop fucking around until your off paper. Given the drugs you already have this should be


First step.. get successfully off paper.

if you can’t do this then..

Admitted I was terrible at controlling this drug shit.. aka I was powerless over my use.

So your in a great place and have done amazing things to get where you are. If you want to use destructive shit again wait until your off paper to make that mistake. But then again what are you hurried back to????

You have to change your thinking or your fkd

 

[slippapimp]

Is OG Black down the tent? Life is just one big fuck-show for people like us! We do all this good work, we decide to take a small toke, hit, rock, shot, whatever, and just because we live in sober houses, halfway houses, or what other recovery based scams are out there, we end up losing our ducking roof over our heads, so we get kicked out, then we say fuck it, I'm gonna need a gram in order to deal with me being back on the streets homeless, no job, no girl, and a chipper to shoulder. Mass Ave is for those who's souls are already taken by the lord of darkness. I'll be here on all fours trying to sniff dog shots, for a buzz!

 

[deficiT]

I appreciate the feedback from everyone. I don't think I'm really fucking up as bad as I felt the other day. Went to a show last night for the first time since getting sober. Didn't do anything dumb, didn't drink, just had a genuinely good time. I don't think I'm gonna toss the phenibut, definitely reserve the right to change my mind though if it becomes a problem. Its honestly been a good release for the most part.

Talked to the doctor. She doesn't think it was a seizure the other day. Didn't know what it was, but since I didn't lose control of myself or lose consciousness or anything like that she said it wasn't a seizure. Got a follow up appointment scheduled though for if it happens again.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I appreciate the feedback from everyone. I don't think I'm really fucking up as bad as I felt the other day. Went to a show last night for the first time since getting sober. Didn't do anything dumb, didn't drink, just had a genuinely good time. I don't think I'm gonna toss the phenibut, definitely reserve the right to change my mind though if it becomes a problem. Its honestly been a good release for the most part.

Talked to the doctor. She doesn't think it was a seizure the other day. Didn't know what it was, but since I didn't lose control of myself or lose consciousness or anything like that she said it wasn't a seizure. Got a follow up appointment scheduled though for if it happens again.

How did the dub step show go? Did you dance? Flirt with a pretty girl?