The cognitive deficits in attention, motivation, vocabulary retrieval, sentence construction, reaction time, long- and short-term memory recall and, more recently, deficits in the physical act of speech production have made pregabalin absolutely not worth it.
And yet, despite all of these despondent adverse reactions, I find myself unwilling/unable to convince myself to stop taking the shit. Why?
I hadn't read through this particular thread in about a month and, in returning to it, was surprised to see that so many members of BL sound like they are in similar situations. Sans pregabalin, my vocabulary is tremendous. My IQ is in the upper quotient. My linguistic and articulatory skills in speech are comprehensive and highly reactionary. I read at a scholarly/research level. My emotions are solid, and my ability to empathize is so on-point that it borderlines being a fault, rather than a virtue. The bottom line is this: I consider myself to be quite an intelligent person all around, and pregabalin has severely compromised the foundation of who I am.
Every single item listed above has been adversely affected, to a significant degree, after six months of taking Lyrica every day. Whereas before I could hurdle cognitive obstacles with ease, I find myself trudging through psychic quicksand in order to achieve even the simplest of mental manipulations.
If I had to design a neurologic study using fMRI technology to study why this is, I would focus on the frontal and posterior regions of the brain's left hemisphere, specifically BA 44,45 (for speech production) and BA 39 (for speech comprehension), as well as hippocampal hyperpolarization - which would explain the prominent deficits in memory storage, encoding and retrieval. It makes me feel so outright *stupid* that I feel I might be capable of empathizing with moderate TBI patients' loss of cognition. And that's *really* saying something, as I've never sustained a traumatic brain injury of any clinical importance.
Two things I learned from my psychiatrist when I brought this issue to the table point-blank that I think some people might be wondering as well:
1.) Cognitive deficits, resulting from pregabalin use, are dosage-dependant. The less Lyrica one ingests on a regular basis, the less likely one's consciousness will be interrupted.
2.) Cognitive deficits, resulting from pregabalin use, are NOT permanent. If they were, I would liken Lyrica's safety profile to that of aerosol inhalants.
Despite all the trouble it's causing me... I will be honest with all of you. I need to vent this: I really, really do not want to discontinue pregabalin. There may be many reasons for this, but of the few I think I understand, relief from pain and anxiety are two of the forerunners for why I have not dumped my bottle into the toilet before dropping a perpendicular on the damn things. Of the other reasons - well, I haven't gotten a handle on why I may be feeling the way I do about discontinuing the treatment. I'm prescribed it in the United States off-label for GAD, but have Valium too. They are two different types of anxiety relief for me, which is why I can concomitantly administer them.
Could the aspects of my Lyrica "addiction" (and I'm about ready to call it that) be related to something else as well?
Most importantly, can anyone who may, after reading this post, consider themselves like-minded in this regard, offer some words of encouragement, advice, discovery, experience?
Why would I continue to take a medication whose negative "side effects" comprise 80% of the actual primary effects, whereas ~20% of the actual effect of the medication *might* be considered beneficial? It makes me feel as though I've lost the ability to judge reality properly; I know what it is to be addicted to methamphetamine, diacetylmorphine, oxymorphone, cocaine HCl - fuck, you name it. I know what pangs addiction leaves me with. Thus, Lyrica either occupies a different ballpark of addiction that I am unfamiliar with or, after six months, I have simply lost the ability to discern what is from what isn't.
Fuck man, who am I.
I sometimes find myself feeling like a multiple-stroke victim - when asked to recall something as simple as whether or not I had fucking breakfast that day.
For all that it's worth, I take between 450 and 600mg each day.
Much love, Bluelight. I've been away for a little while.
~ vaya