Looking for some advice

[Emerald Dragon]

As I am looking at what prefix to put on this post, it's hard to choose just one. I'm a combination of desperate, exhausted, hopeless, lost, and scared. I've been wanting to post this for weeks now so here goes.

I'm an iv meth addict. Started about 3.5 years ago smoking and started shooting last August. I am doing approx 300mg a day. I do take days off, but not yet at an every other day habit. Some things that I should mention - I'm 50 years old, have a wife and kids. No, they don't know, although my wife suspects something (to me I'm thinking how can they NOT know?). I'm in the IT field, although recently laid off. And ironically, I'm a senior master of a Buddhist organization (something I attained prior to my habit). I really need to quit doing this as I'm sure at some point it will kill me. I am very hesitant to even consider in-patient treatment. It would crush my wife, my son, my instructor, everyone. It's hard to explain the kind of shock wave it would cause but it would be really bad (from my viewpoint at the moment at least). Plus having a hard time seeing how Buddhism and the 12 steps can be copacetic. This is assuming there even is in-patient treatment anymore in our new COVID-19 world.

I have been seeing a therapist, but just a few times. I had trouble keeping appointments, so I stopped....but thinking maybe I should restart. The thing is, it's hard for me to ascertain exactly what's wrong with me. I'm the same old guy as always in some respects, but in others I'm very flaky - don't return phone calls, haven't really been looking for a job, and still haven't filed my 2018 taxes. What the fuck. I cannot believe I still haven't filed that. I know I should...I know I need to...but yet there's a million things to fix around the house and I choose one of them instead.

Another aspect to this is that it's a confluence between a meth and sex addiction that makes it especially difficult for me. I've probably been a sex addict for 30 years but boy you take meth and a vibrator and I am good to go for hours. And I mean hours. The sheer amount of time I've spent doing that boggles my mind. Time I could have been doing other things like look for a job, or file my taxes. And to boot my sex life with my wife has gone to 0. I want to, but can't maintain an erection at all. She sort of blames herself a little but I tell no it's not her, but haven't told her why.

About 2 years ago I got pretty sick from something involving meth, had to go to the ER. I told my wife then that I had gotten some from the dark web (which is true as I don't know anyone who does it locally). She took it and assumed I had stopped...but of course I hadn't. Last August I went for an entire week without doing it when we went on vacation, but now that we don't take vacations anymore it's easy to sit at home and find time to sneak off and do my thing.

The plan with the therapist was that I would try and taper off to every other day - to get the executive function of my brain going again. I am able to some days, other days I fully intend to abstain only to suddenly be like hey my wife is leaving for an hour, it's meth time. My question is how does recovery look from here? While I'm not working it would seem to be a really good time to take the hit and stop, even if I end up sleeping 16 hours a day, but unfortunately not working also makes it seem like a really good timer to do more meth. Looking for people who have gone down this road before and have so me advice. One thing I haven't tried (again, ironically) is meditation. This is largely because I'm not sure what to actually do. I'm really good at the zen no-mind meditation and have experience in meditations that essentially program the mind this way or the other, but I just haven't been able to muster the energy to roll my own anti-meth programming because honestly I don't know what that would look like from my current point of view.

Thanks for reading.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Hi, welcome to bluelight!

I'm not surprised you're tired, living a double life like you have been is a very tiring thing to do. The first thing I would say is that if you try to fix the problem in the same secretive way that you have created it, you're extremely unlikely to be successful in gaining a lasting and healthy recovery. The reality is that even with every advantage in your favour beating addiction is very very difficult, start making things more difficult than they need to be and that already fairly grim picture gets even worse.

I dont say that to try and scare you, of course many people do get and stay clean, but to get you to reevaluate your priorities. I understand why obviously you would not want to let your family know, but statistically you're fighting a losing battle here and you need the best chance of winning because the consequences of not winning are essentially that eventually you will die of a complication relating to drug use. In my opinion, you should very seriously consider coming clean with some people close to you that you can rely on for support, and one of those should really be your wife.

As for what your recovery looks like going forward, well that will to some extent depend on you and what works for you. To extend the last point I was making though, for most people a successful recovery will include a network of trusted people that they can turn to when things get difficult further down the line (which they will do at some point). Your wife is presumably someone you connect with on a much deeper level than most other people in your life, so to deprive yourself of that support structure is foolish to my mind. Yeah it's going to be very disturbing for them to find out what's going on, but a lot less disturbing than coming to ID your body in x number of years because you've exploded your heart injecting meth because you couldn't stay clean because you didnt have the support of those who love you most. That's the reality of your situation.

Past that recovery for most people will also include some sort of therapy to uncover what led you to this dysfunctional pattern of behaviour. Theres usually a reason people have ended up in addiction and you will need to have some understanding of what that was to give yourself the best chance of it doing continuing to have that effect on you. Routine and structure is usually missing from most drugs addicts' life, and if that is the case then reintroducing those things and learning to operate within them is usually very useful. Most people also find that caring for their physical well-being through exercise is useful because mental well-being and physical well-being have a symbiotic relationship and of you have a fit body then it will generally help improve your mental health which will give you the best chance of not relapsing. Extended contact with other recovering addicts is also usually considered beneficial as people who have had similar experiences can build strength through camaraderie, be more perceptive around situations that they may recognise from their own experiences, more easily able to empathise with behaviours and emotions, the process of helping others is considered very cathartic in itself etc.

My opinion is that it's important to not let anyone tell you that there's only one route to recovery and that people need to find what works for them, but that process has to happen within the context of having a certain level of self awareness. Your addict brain will be trying to trick you and make you believe your own bullshit to have a little use up at every turn, constantly second guess the choices you make and ask yourself whether you are really making the choice that gives you the best chance of recovery, or the choice that is easiest to make in the short term.

Good luck, keep hanging around here there's plenty of smart people with lots of useful information and experiences! Remember, even if you feel totally useless and terrible and unable to do anything worthwhile then you are helping other people in their recovery by opening your mouth and sharing your experiences. Maybe by doing that you could represent a reminder to someone about why they got clean and dont want to relapse in a moment where they were feeling weak, or someone else who is in a similar situation is cheered by the fact that they are not alone in their problems.

Whoah...bit of an essay there. Sorry!

 

[SunriseChampion]

That. ^

OP, I've been there with meth. Nowhere near to the amount you're dealing with or the situation you're dealing with so I can only imagine how rough it must be but I can tell you that it's possible to move on and that as dark and hard as things may seem they can get better. I was close to rock bottom and suicidal before I turnt it around, but turn it around I did, and how!

I just concentrated on the things I loved before I started meth use. That's what got me to the end goal.
Unfortunately, I also replaced meth with alcohol so beware of replacements, I'd say.
I got over that as well, quickly. It was just a weird rebound thing...I was also young and a lot less collected than you seem to be.

Your level of self-awareness is enough to get you there with time and work.

I hope you're able to manage a great recovery and wish you the best.